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Owl #1901678 07/09/07 08:48 AM
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Day 1 of WS's visit:

I surprised my WS last night by meeting her at the airport and was disappointed that she expressed no excitement. We didn't even hug till we had been standing at baggage claim for awhile. She did seem appreciative that I had cleaned the apartment, and that I had bought a bouquet of flowers, which I put in a vase on the coffee table.

She also said that I looked good. I hit the weights hard this week and managed to lose about 5 pounds. Most of that was due to just not eating due to the depression. I am not overweight, but since my competition is a frickn' Marine, I figured I would try and beef up a bit.

We also held hands on the way home in the cab and slept in the same bed. It felt awkward. I wasn't sure if I would be able to sleep, but fortunately I did. She is actually still sleeping now. Her show is pretty grueling, and she is worn out. I couldn't sleep much past 8am though.

I took the day off of work today, and we have a whole bunch of things planned. These are all things that have historically been a lot of fun for us together as a couple. I am looking forward to it, but I am also nervous. I am doing my best to stay or at least act happy, and I am trying to be the best man I can be.

Owl: I should have the OM's unit number in the next few days. I will let you know how it goes.


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Good luck!

PLAN A YOUR BUTT OFF RIGHT NOW!!!

Show her what she's going to be giving up by continuing on with this loser!!

Oh, and don't forget the sense of smell too. Make sure you shave everyday, wear a nice cologne or aftershave that she likes, and dress up a little. Don't overdo it, but make sure that you're looking/smelling/feeling good!!!

Don't initiate any marriage or relationship talk right now. If she does, STAY CALM, no matter what she says or does. Limit how long you stay on that...and then get things back to something upbeat and fun!

The idea is to win her back...get the picture?

Hang in there...you CAN do this.

Owl #1901680 07/10/07 09:11 AM
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Day 2 of WS's visit:

We had a wonderful time yesterday. I made her breakfast, we went to the movies, shoe shopping(I think shoe shopping is an EN for my wife!), and had a nice candlelit dinner at home.

On the down side, my taker is kicking in. She only talked about herself really and never asked many questions of me. I had to initiate every little bit of affection. The fun playful flirting that had been so present at the beginning of our relationship is still not there. Things seemed almost normal, which isn't good. (We got in this situation, because we let things become "normal" and didn't meet each others needs.) I think all the trying to meet her ENs drained some of my love bank for her, which is already dangerously low. This caused me to wake up this morning pretty angry. She could tell, but I think I was able to calm myself and smooth it over before leaving for work.


Today, we are going to meet for lunch, and we plan on going out this evening together. It is probably a good thing I went to work today. It will give me a chance to cool off. She has agreed to do the EN questionnaire tonight, so I hope this will give me some more insight into how to direct my behavior. She leaves tomorrow morning, but I will be seeing her on Friday through next Monday.

Must stay calm, confident, and happy.


BS (ME) 31 WS 28 Married 5 years D-Day 6/26 No Children
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I don't have the energy or force of will to post the final day of my WS's visit. Hopefully after work, I will.


BS (ME) 31 WS 28 Married 5 years D-Day 6/26 No Children
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I do have a question today though. I have read on the forums some people doing Plan A for as long as 16 months. If you have a Plan A with no deposits in the LB for your WS, how do you stay in love enough to not just give up and find someone else? Also, aren't you really prone due to the low LB balance to stray yourself?


BS (ME) 31 WS 28 Married 5 years D-Day 6/26 No Children
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Yes, which is when you begin to go to your plan B. When you're concerned that your lovebank is going to run out due to the massive withdrawls by your WS. And after you've completed some length of a STELLAR plan A that shows your WS what they're losing when you go to plan B.

Make sense?

Owl #1901684 07/11/07 03:31 PM
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It does. Thanks Owl. I need to figure out what I can do to make my Plan A truly stellar. I understand the concept of working on yourself, but I should write down the things I need to work on. I also need to think of the things my WS complained about and what we did when we were dating that really brought us together.


BS (ME) 31 WS 28 Married 5 years D-Day 6/26 No Children
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IM:

Before you can start worrying about 16 months in Plan A, you have to START Plan A.

You may only be there 2 months.

You have been reading jwmc95's thread. He was in plan A for a long time, but he had killed the A and his wife was home with him.

Continue reading his thread. Many excellent things in that thread.

But, just so you know, Plan A can become a way of life. You treat her better, you become a better person, and the whole life experience becomes better. That is what Plan A starts to lay the ground work for.

Eventually, the WS returns, and hopefully starts responding to your Plan A efforts and starts to learn and apply them in her behaviors to you.

That's the goal. And it happens around here. Alot. Sometimes it doesn't.

What happened during her third day with you?

Good luck.

LG

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I did an 18 month Plan A. It was too long and my lovebank did do long, dying gurgle. However, at reconciliation, it was open for filling.

Don't worry about the length of Plan A at this point. Commit to a month or 2 months, keep 6 months at the back of your mind, but renegociate with yourself if it is time to go to Plan B or not if your W has not ended the affair.


Lor

Married 1983
H's co-worker PA began 1998
Multiple separations
Marital recovery 2000

H deployment 14 mo 2004-2005
Empty nest fall 2006

Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things. Phil 4:8
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Thanks for all the great post concerning the length of Plan A. The advice is very helpful and encouraging.

Sometimes in the midst of all the pain and anger, I begin to lose hope and think that I should just end the marriage. I begin to feel that even if she does end the affair that I would somehow be the conciliation prize. I think about that fact that we don't have any kids or a mortgage, and that it would be easier to untangle our lives than to go through this pain. Then when it is quiet, and the anger has subsided. I realize that what is easiest is not always best. I love my wife, and I truly believe we can have a wonderful life together. I also believe that we can love each other like we did when we were dating and first got married. For these reasons and many others the fight must continue.

I will put a day 3 summary in the next post.


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Day 3 of WS's visit:

I sadly had to go to work on Day 3, but we met for lunch at our favorite Indian place. I only went back to work for a few hours, and then she met me at my office after work. We went to Dave & Buster's (Adult Chuckie Cheese), played some skeeball (Her favorite), and some shooting games (My favorite). We had a blast while we were there, but the mood really dropped on the way home.

When we got home she seemed depressed as was I. I think how much fun we had together really opened our eyes to what we could possibly lose. She started packing her stuff while I sat on the bed trying to help as I could. I began to get really down and felt very panicky. (Side Note: Our physician gave me a Xanax prescription after D-Day for panic attacks. I don't like drugs, and I have only taken it when I was in a very bad way. I hate to say it though, but it has helped when things were at there worst. I don't plan on refilling it though.) I had told her about the Xanax prescription before, but she asked what it was for and what symptoms it seemed to help. I then explained to her that after D-Day I could not eat, work, or sleep, that I would pace the apartment, and that the state of our marriage was all I could think about. This seemed to have a very profound effect on her. I could tell it really tore her up to know that her decisions had cause me such a deep pain.

About an hour later she went to take a bath, and I sat in the bathroom with her talking as I had done in the past. While we were talking she began weeping and asked me to hold her. She said she was so sorry for the pain she had caused me. (This isn't the first time she had apologized, but it was the first time that it felt from the heart or that I had really been able to hear it.) She said she felt like such a bad person, and I told her she wasn't a bad person but had made some bad decisions. She talked a little about how she couldn't make a decision between the OM and I right now. She said she wasn't ready. She did also tell me that the reason she had not been affectionate or shown emotion the whole time she was here was because she felt like she was going to cry every second she was with me. She said she just suppressed all her emotions instead.

I woke up this morning in an angry state, because I felt like so little had changed in the last two weeks. I guess I was expecting a quick fix where there is not one. I pushed the anger all aside as I took her to the bus station. We said our goodbyes, and I went off to work. I hate to say it, but I felt a sense of relief watching her go. I don't know how you guys do it with your WS's living in the same house. The whole time she was here it was like this 8000 pound gorilla was following us everywhere. Still though, I am looking forward to seeing her on Friday though, 8000 lb gorilla and all.


BS (ME) 31 WS 28 Married 5 years D-Day 6/26 No Children
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There is a moment you realize your totally ******. That moment for me was tonight. I made a huge mistake and vented my anger on my wife. I unfortunately chose to listen to my friends and family that were pushing me to demand some sort of decision from her. As you all can guess it did not go well and of course the slickster OM was there to pick up the pieces. I knew I had made a huge mistake and apologized to her for venting, but oddly enough my massive LB was not the moment of realization.

The moment I am talking about is when it came out that the OM is going to spend two and a half weeks with her in August. He will be staying with her in an apartment that she will be renting while her show is in a certain city for an extended time. He will be sleeping on the couch of course (My [censored] alarm hit the ceiling.)! She says she is doing this so she can make sure she is not looking at him through "rose colored glasses". She thinks that she will see the real him in that time and know if she truly "loves" him.

After this information came out I decided to take stock:

1. I have a huge LB deficit (Probably wouldn't be as bad if I had kept it together.) OM has a huge LB surplus. I have roughly, if all the days are added together, a weeks worth of face time with her before OM visits her in August. I tried to make more by saying I was going to leave work for a month and stay with her wherever she is at, but she says that isn't giving her any space.

2. OM is a very, very slick talker. They have seen each other maybe 3 times over the last year, but he has managed to radically seduce her just using the phone. I have never considered myself slick especially on the phone, but it appears to be one of the only tools available.

3. With the face time restrictions, it seems that even if I Plan A my [censored] off for the next month that my chances are brutally slim of building up enough deposits in the LB to counter act the week and a half of he will be spending in her bed.

Feels pretty over for me, and I feel utterly hopeless. I told her I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with all this information, and I needed some time to process. As you can tell by the time of day this was posted, I have been processing all night.


BS (ME) 31 WS 28 Married 5 years D-Day 6/26 No Children
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write your plan B letter...

you really in this case have no choice...

in my opinion it should come before the two week stay from he&& with the loser so that it can not be used as a knee jerk weapon over him staying there....

travelinman wrote one of the best plan B letter I have seen...I will try to find it...

there is no honor or any thing good in his or her actions..

all their words are false

take no stalk in what they say or do...

it is all shallow and empty words and actions...

I will find the lighthouse post for you my friend...

ARK

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when you go dark...

you must go pitch black....

with no slip ups....

are you able logistically to do so....?

ARK

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Do you really think it is time for Plan B, or do you think that Ter should work on stopping this meeting of the jerk and his wife from even taking place. I understand that this jerk is Military and that Ter was in the middle of finding out more info in order to contact his CO.

Since I never had to deal with this level of betrayal and fog, I don't feel I am able to advise, but my gut says stop this sick get-together from ever happening. This jerk is a number one jerk and if I recall the earlier posts, an alcoholic or at least a heavy drinker. Not that all that matters as an OP is a low life scum whether or not they are alcoholics but it just seems as though there is the ability to stop this get-together from happening.
Lake


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I agree with you, Lake. He's not done with plan A yet. He's had a setback, but that's ALL it was...a setback.

Ter-

You NEED to expose to OM's CO...TODAY. Take a few hours from work if you need to, and make those phone calls. Believe it or not, its actually VERY good that OM is in the military...because they have FAR more control over his personal life than any civilian employer could. They CAN order him to cease any and all contact with her, on threat of quite a number of things.

STEP UP AND DO THIS NOW!

And as far as your LB's with your wife...well, two thoughts. First off, the next time you do talk with her, simply be honest. She's hurting you so bad with her current behavior that its a constant battle for you to deal with all of this...and you slipped. But make it clear that when/if she gets OM out of the picture, there's no reason that this would go on. Second, work on refilling her lovebank by meeting the emotional needs that you can for now. STICK to your plan A.

Plan B isn't ready yet...you've got to rebuild the love bank up from your recent lovebusters.

Go get OM's CO engaged, now. Go back and re-read what I'd posted you about how you do this, and how to talk with his CO. Be ready...and get it done. Your wife will go BALLISTIC when she hears about this, so be ready to deal with that too. As a matter of fact, dont be afraid to call her friends and family immediately after you expose and explain what you did and why...so that she can't do damage control and put a spin on this like you're acting crazy.

Its not over yet...hang in there.

Owl #1901694 07/12/07 09:43 AM
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Owl:

Is it still viable to call his CO if he has not been recalled yet? He is supposed to be recalled for training in October, and then deployment in January. Right now the guy is just working as a waiter waiting to be recalled.


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Ter,
I am certain that Owl will tell you, YES as soon as he see this. Please do not delay--speak to the CO. Do you know who he is yet?
Lake


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I don't have the OM unit number, and I am not sure how to get it out of hiring a PI, which mighttake too long. I have done exhaustive searches all over the internet and even used Net Detective without luck. I do have a way that I think I can social engineer it out of a buddy of the OM's on MySpace. I am going to do that now, but who knows when the guy will respond.


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Ter, all states have Family Readiness Coordinators for the National Guard, usually with an internet presence and phone number. You could try calling that office to see if you can get his unit number. I don't know what information they are able to release, but it may be worth a phone call.

If they can tell you his unit, they can probably give you the name of the CO and a phone number.


Lor

Married 1983
H's co-worker PA began 1998
Multiple separations
Marital recovery 2000

H deployment 14 mo 2004-2005
Empty nest fall 2006

Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things. Phil 4:8
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