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I know wearing them wont kill me I just don't see the harm in not wearing them and that's why I haven't opted to do it more often.

I have to ask you why do you feel hopeful for my sitch when you say your exfiance reminds you of my DH yet you are glad you didn't marry him?


Me (32)
H (33)
3 DD's 9,8,2
1 DS 4
Married 4/19/99


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Looking back, I now realize that his constant criticism was his issue from his family of origin. He later met a lady that didn't take it personally, handled it much better, and they are still happy together, and have a good life. Although the issues were his, my handling of them (taking everything so personally) was poor.

I see no harm in not wearing panties, and know that lots of younger women DON'T wear them. But if it is a big deal for hubby, why not make the effort? If he continues to find you at fault, you may get more help on the Emotional Needs board. The folks there are EXCELLENT at helping with these issues.

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If it makes him happy I will be willing to do it for him to put his mind at ease. I am reluctant however because I feel like if I do this then it will just be something else etc. ect. He said that he is just having a hard week and it will get better when he gets some rest and I told him I will give him a free pass if after he gets some rest he give my lots of affection and admiration.

My DH FOO is the reason for his constant critizism of me. I don't handle it very well either. I guess I just have to change my prespective and realize it is not about me but his own issues. However how will I know when he has a geunie beef or if he is just being his good ole anal self? If I can learn how to differentiate between these to without making him think I don't listen to him I will be a lot better for it.


Me (32)
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Married 4/19/99


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My DH FOO is the reason for his constant critizism of me.

And what is your excuse for *YOUR* constant criticism of him? And what are you doing about that?? You can't control him, you can only control yourself.

*HIS* constant criticism? Are you smoking crack, girl? This whole thread has been nothing but a TIRADE against your H. It made my [censored] hurt after the 2nd post. Maybe if you would STOP crticizing him and stop with the armchair psychoanalysis [his FOO issues, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />] he might feel more loving towards you.

I think if you change your attitude and stop fault finding and start looking for the GOOD in your H and focusing ON YOURSELF, your attitude might change dramatically.

In short, it is ridiculous to demand that he accept you "as you are" when you surely don't practice that principle, DIG.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Mel is consistently boiling down what I say into two paragraghs!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

YOU BIRTHDAY GIRL, YOU!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


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mimi, I fear this gal has some FOO issues! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I know wearing them wont kill me I just don't see the harm in not wearing them


The harm is that you are offending your husband by not wearing them. You are offending him by behaving like a single girl looking for attention from men, because single girls looking for attention from men will get it pronto by not wearing panties and you know this the same way every other woman knows this.

If you cannot understand this, there won't be much we can do for you here.

You could POJA this, you know. You could go to a high-end lingerie store like Victoria's Secret or any expensive department store and buy some sexy gorgeous panties that both of you like.

Or you could just tell him he's going to Lose and you're going to Win and he'd better get over it.

Let's see - you could put on some nice sexy underwear and show your husband you respect him *and* your marriage enough to do this, or you could just leave them off and throw it in your husband's face that you'll walk around in public with no panties on if you want to 'cos he ain't gonna tell you what to do.

Which way sounds like something a grownup would do? Marriage is for grownups, DIG.
Mulan


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P.S. If you wanted to live life 100% your way and not have to consider anyone else, or make allowances for anyone else's feelings, then why on earth did you get married??
Mulan


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Ok let me start off by say this. I come on here to vent my fustrations with my DH so I won't LB him which is why I have been complaining about his treatment of me. Me critizing his treatment of me on here is not the same as me going to him and venting how about how I feel he is mistreating me. The man really does have something to say about almost everything I do. When I go out by myself I like to turn up the radio and sing and he will tell me this is not the hood you need to turn down the radio. I of course don't find anything wrong with this. ****** he does the exact same thing. One night we went out to eat they didn't have any toothpicks at the restaurant and so when we got in the card I used a corner of a piece of paper to get it out and he called me country then he turned right around and did exactly what I did.

Me not wearing panties has absolutley nothing to do with me trying to get attention from anyone. How would they know if I did or didn't. I could be wearing a thong for all they know. It's just a matter of personal preference. I know they have a lot of BSes here but everything that someone does is not because they are wayward. I know I almost went down that path but something kept me from doing something so horribley wrong to myself my kids and my DH. So with that said I do believe I deserve some credit.

You all are not even trying to see where I am coming from. I think believer was the only one that even validated my feelings. To me my DH critizing me is number one on my love buster list and when he does this I feel very detached from him.

Who said I don't make allowences for my DH feelings if I didn't I would not be venting here to all of you but I would be love busting him instead of venting and getting it all off my chest and then going to him with a different and possibly better prespective.

I was going without panties before I met him so it's not like it's something I just started to do. It's just me. I could see if he came up to me and said see baby I feel you should wear panties when you leave the house because they can signal you if somebody is about to pull out in the front of you.

It's like all of the things I have been saying to all of you is getting over looked. I don't know how I can make this any more clear. I have been doing all of the things he asked of me and yet nothing seems to be good enough. I am not trying to make excuses for anything I have or haven't been doing. I have been working really hard to give him what he wants and needs from me but he is not receiveing my gifts for whatever reason. I know in the past I was doing things that contributed to the problems we were having in our marriage now I can honestly say I have been picking up my slack. Yet my DH still for whatever reason feels it's ok to take his fustrations with his job and lack of self care on me. How is this fair?

I have to say that I had to take a long hard look at myself and the things I was doing wrong and I know sometimes I may slip and do them again once in a while but for the most part I have been doing what I know to be right by him. I talked to him again and he said that he is just tired because of work and that he has been taking it out on me. How is this my fault? I am not trying to analyze him what I say here I don't say to him. I vent here first and then go to him. It's a lot different than what he does.

Last edited by DIG; 07/02/07 12:47 AM.

Me (32)
H (33)
3 DD's 9,8,2
1 DS 4
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According to Mrs. W I am now Delightful in GA. LOL \:\)
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Ok I have to say I did some serious soul searching and I think I finally got what Mimi was asking me. I am and will continue to do the things I need to, to meet my DH EN's. I guess the answer to the question " What can I do to change my sitch?" is this. I can stop taking his judgements to heart and know they are his opinions and not about me but about him. I will determine what is a relative claim and what is just him passing judgement because I do things differently than him. Criticism is a major LB for me. As I have said before I don't take it well at out if I feel like it has no merit. I know sometimes him saying hey baby I don't like the way you just handle that situation with the kids would be something I consider with merit him say baby you are a grown woman not a kid you don't need a ringtone is something I consider criticism without merit and it's this kind that hurts me the most.

It makes me feel that he thinks something is wrong with me just because I am not like him. Different is not wrong just different. If everyone was the same the world would be one big boring place.

As far as you guys saying I do things to try and get attention like I am single is so off base. I truly have to say after being married to my DH all this time I can not even fathom wanting to be with anyone for a very long time. Just that thought to me is a scary prospect. One man obviously is to much for me to handle most days I can't even see how I could try and manage more than one. I think by nature I am flighty. When I feel like I am trying to be over powered I want to run and this is why I was venting. I felt like he was trying to over power me and make me into a clone of himself. One him is more than enough. I don't think this house could handle two.LOL


Me (32)
H (33)
3 DD's 9,8,2
1 DS 4
Married 4/19/99


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DIG:

Reread all of your threads here.

What is the constant in them?

1. What is in it for me?

2. What is wrong with your H?

Do you see that?

You can vent here about your H.

And we will even so you some sympathy, if you seem to be getting down the road in your own development.

I don't care if you wear panties. But if it pisses your H off, than wear them. OK. Sometimes, it's that simple.

And you have been here for 5 months. And you have started to grow. But, you still have a ways to go.

When Mimi wants to cut you off, with a simple request to you, you still respond with some of you and alot of H.

So, lets go in another direction:

What are your top 5 emotional needs?
What do you think your Husbands Are?


And I will recall for you your happiness when you "got" your H after the Spurs win. And how you were laughing about it in the car the next morning. That's the attitude YOU need to change. And that HAS NOTHING to do with your H.

Marriage isn't about one-upmanship. It about making your spouse happy, not unhappy.

Keep working it. Your getting it. Slowly but surely. OK?

And when were you going to introduce MB to your H?

LG

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DIG, your posts clearly reflect a bad attitude towards your H and it is very disturbing. You think we don't "get it" but we DO GET IT. Which is why we won't "validate" you. We are not going to "validate" a bad attitude, we are trying to get you to see that your whole ATTITUDE is wrong.

You have this expectation that your H should accept you how you are, but you refuse to afford him the same. You complain about his constant criticism but that is all we see you doing. And I am most alarmed that you and some silly counselor are sitting around doing armchair psychoanalysis of your H's "FOO issues." Talk about a disrespectful judgement.

The simple truth, DIG, is that you can't change the man. You can only change yourself.

Mimi and I DO have GREAT MARRIAGES, DIG, so it's not like we are talking out of our hats. It didn't come from nitpicking and fault finding, I assure you. We KNOW what it takes and we also see exactly what you are doing. But, you can choose to ignore us if you want, it makes no difference to me.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Yes, I DO HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE, NOW, DIG...

I feel CLOSER THAN CLOSE to my H...and he does to me...

IT IS SO WONDERFUL!!

What makes us close, now? One major factor is our willingness/ability/choice or whatever to be COMPLETELY OPEN AND HONEST with each other. I was sitting there watching him and LOL to myself last night 'cause he does a lot of stuff that gets on my last nerve and I just want to choke him sometimes but all that's part of what makes HIM who he is...I HAVE TO TAKE THE BITTER WITH THE SWEET...I ACCEPT HIM for who he is...and if you can't demonstrate your ACCEPTANCE of your husband..he will not feel loved by you and may not do the same in return.

As I was saying yesterday and you were not listening... IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU AND ONLY YOU..YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOURSELF!!! I can't say this any clearer. You MUST ACCEPT HIM because that is the GOOD AND RIGHT THING FOR YOU TO DO AS HIS WIFE. Focus on being the best wife that YOU CAN BE and I betcha your marriage will improve immensely. Take your focus off of him and what he needs to do. ONLY, ONLY FOCUS ON YOURSELF.

In being OPEN AND HONEST, my H now feels OK about telling me what I do that bothers him and how he wants me to change. I KNOW THAT HE DOES IT OUT OF LOVE. I RESPECT his VIEWPOINT AS A MAN and that he is trying to PROTECT ME and SHEPHERD ME. That's the job of a loving husband. My husband also gives me his opinion on my dress..if he thinks my pants are too tight or something..he also tells me to turn my music down. This is not because he is insecure. It's because he CARES about my IMAGE. HE IS HELPING ME. If he did not care about me, he would not say a word. NURTURING a WIFE like a FATHER is part of the role of a LOVING HUSBAND.

I admire your H's willingness to be HONEST with you and you are trying to SHUT HIM DOWN, IMO. Eventually, he may shutdown and give you lip service and that will be sad for you. HE IS A MAN OUT THERE IN THE WORLD. He knows how men think. I think you should listen to him because I think that he is making a very good point. He is encouraging you to act more mature, to change into the role of becoming the DOMESTIC GODDESS that you are growing to be...

We all need to CHANGE as we AGE AND MATURE.

And yes, do express your viewpoint to him but DO NOT DEVALUE HIS POINT OF VIEW as being due to his psychological issues.

Read this information from Dr. Harley which talks about it whatit takes for an effective marriage..particularly focus on THE RULE OF HONESTY.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html


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And this, Dig..you need to develop a full understanding of this policy and put it into action...

The Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse) will help you remember how much your decisions effect each other and how you must consult with each other to be sure you avoid being the cause of each other's unhappiness.&#65440; By making mutually acceptable choices, you will create a lifestyle that both of you will enjoy.&#65440;


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And I recommend that you develop a clear understanding of this policy and put it into practice.

Quote
The Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse) will help you remember how much your decisions effect each other and how you must consult with each other to be sure you avoid being the cause of each other's unhappiness.&#65440; By making mutually acceptable choices, you will create a lifestyle that both of you will enjoy.&#65440;


Get clear with him about stuff. That's what I do. That's how we've worked on developing CLOSENESS. I've taken a lot of the lead because my H is not fully knowledgeable of the MB PRINCIPALS but he sure likes them... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So you would have ASKED HIM about planting the sod and if he did not enthusiastically agree then you wouldn't have done it. I do this DAILY about stuff. Lots of time my H doesn't really care that much but he loves for me to show him the respect and consideration of ASKING.

I've learned that I am often MISTAKEN when I make ASSUMPTIONS about what he would like.

Back later...


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Ok Mel I have to ask. You say you all see what I am doing. Please tell me. I have a bad attitude against my DH because. He has been neglecting me again and criticizing everything thing I do. Because of this my love bank is either on e or close to it.

So please tell me what I am doing because even when I said that I would work on changing my prespective that still wasn't good enough so please to tell. It's not that I am ignoring anyone I just obviously don't get it. So basically what you all are saying that it is ok for my H to take out his fustrations on me even if I am not the cause of those.

As far as Mulan saying my love seems conditional. I love my DH unconditionally, however there are conditions I have and need if I choose to stay with him. If I don't feel like he is treating me well I think I deserve better than that. How is this wrong?

I am not trying to change my H. I am complaining about him because I want him to stop trying to change me. Change true change comes from self evaulation. I have to choose to do that and decide what I need to fix about myself and that is my job to do not anyone else.

For all, all of you know I could be doing everything I can to met my DH EN but because he fears being close to anyone he could be trying to do the things that he knows will make me distance myself from him to keep me at bay. If this is the case which I feel it may be because he stopped doing the things that were making me feel close to him when I told him this. Then what would all of you recommend?

What am I doing wrong? I am building resentment for him which is the cause for the bad attitude because I am really trying very hard to be a good wife to him now. It doesn't seem to be making things any better.

You all are preaching the MB methods to me but you all are forgetting all about the You should not do something unless youo are both equally enthusastic about it. Have you all taken in to consideration that me wearing panties can make me as unhappy as me not wearing them makes him? This topic should be a POJA not me wearing panties because he feels uncomfortable when I don't. Aren't my feelings equally important? This is what I think you all are not seeing.

LG first off let me say hi and welcome to the party. As far as what my DH EN are the are

DS
FC
SF
RC
Conversation

Mine are

Admiration
FC
Affection
SF
RC


Me (32)
H (33)
3 DD's 9,8,2
1 DS 4
Married 4/19/99


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I am not trying to change my H. I am complaining about him because I want him to stop trying to change me.

This is not honest, DIG. Heck, you are going to a C and trying to psychoanalyze the guy, ["FOO issues"] so don't tell me you aren't trying to change and control him. YOU ARE. I have no doubt your sessions focus on HIS FAULTS, rather than trying to change yourself.

We have given you the answer to your question, DIG, but you just don't like the answer. The solution is to focus on your behavior, stop annoying him, and stop demanding that he "accept you how you are" when you do nothing of the sort for him. Follow MB principles to the best of your ability and everything will fall into place. Not overnight, but eventually it should.

If you don't like that advice, then you can leave it. Simple as that. But if you really want what Mimi and I have, then you might oughta listen and stop arguing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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You are frustrating, DIG!

I am yelling this:

YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO GET HIM TO STOP DOING ANYTHING!! NOTHING!! YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF!!

Quote
I want him to stop trying to change me. Change true change comes from self evaulation. I have to choose to do that and decide what I need to fix about myself and that is my job to do not anyone else.


IF HE STOPS TRYING TO CHANGE YOU, THAT'S WHEN YOU SHOULD START WORRYING..because that is when has become DISHONEST and will be losing his love for you...that is the way he is showing his love for you....

Quote
For all, all of you know I could be doing everything I can to met my DH EN but because he fears being close to anyone he could be trying to do the things that he knows will make me distance myself from him to keep me at bay. If this is the case which I feel it may be because he stopped doing the things that were making me feel close to him when I told him this. Then what would all of you recommend?


WE WILL NEVER KNOW ABOUT YOUR H and won't even try to hazard a guess about your H..

This is my last word to you...really...

I RECOMMEND THAT YOU BECOME OPEN TO HIS CRITICISM OF YOU..what you perceive as being his criticism of you..because until you become OPEN AND WILLING TO HEAR what HE HAS TO SAY..he will not listen to YOU...

You are not being RATIONAL in not getting what we are saying..because we can't be any clearer...

Unfortunately, I tried again today..and this is it...

I wish you well...

I certainly wouldn't want you near my H at the soccer field without those panties..especially if you're wearing a dress..SORRY..I just had to let you know that...


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Have you all taken in to consideration that me wearing panties can make me as unhappy as me not wearing them makes him? This topic should be a POJA not me wearing panties because he feels uncomfortable when I don't. Aren't my feelings equally important? This is what I think you all are not seeing.

Yeah, I was waiting for you to say that, and you hit the target as expected.

Frankly, DIG, I don't think you have the maturity to understand anything we are saying here. If I didn't know better I'd think you were about fourteen.

As I said, marriage is for grownups, but you come across as so very, very young and babyish and selfish that you will probably have to suffer through a divorce before gaining any amount of maturity, genorosity or wisdom.

My only advice to you would be to read *His Needs, Her Needs* and try to look at it through a grown-up's eyes - that is, instead of worrying about what you can GET start thinking about what you can GIVE.

(That's the secret to being a grown-up in a relationship.)

You'd be surprised at how much your life might change.
Mulan


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OK Mimi I like your last post a lot better. I have to say this resonated with me. How is me complaining about him getting on my case about everything not being accepting of who he is?

I don't mind my H being open & honest with me. I love when he is my thing is his approach. You get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. If he were to come to me in way that didn't make me defensive I would have no problem hearing him out. However when he comes to me and blame and shame to try and get me to do what he wants me to do I don't handle this very well. I am a grown woman and he is a grown man. I would love fo him to approach me in a manner that is loving instead of one where he comes to me and makes me feel berated and belittled.

Say for instance if he were to come to me and said baby I know that you don't like to wear panties but it makes me uncomfortable for you to leave the house without any on. I would be more than happy to put them on. However when he comes to me and he says something demeaning to me because I don't have on any then he is not owning his feeling and making me feel bad because this is how he learned to get what he wants. How is this good for me or him? It is a very unhealthy way to communicate. I think what I could start to doing is when he approaches me in the demeaning manner I could say the following

DIG: Hey baby can I have a kiss I am about to go workout.

Mr DIG: Yes are you going to be gone long?

DIG: No just for an hour or two.

Mr DIG: Do you have on panties?

DIG: No I don't

Mr DIG: What kind of woman leaves the house to go workout with no panties on?

DIG: Obviously the kind of woman you married. Are you trying to say that you would feel better if I put on some panties before I left the house?

Mr DIG: Yes

DIG: Then if you really want me to then just say that instead of attacking my character. I can appreciate you telling me what you want instead belittle me a whole lot mre.

I think this would be the best soultion to the problem we are having. The way I react to what he has to say. Ask him what he really wants instead of putting me down to get what he wants. I don't do that to him and I am sure anyone here can see how the approach that he using is not a very loving one.


Me (32)
H (33)
3 DD's 9,8,2
1 DS 4
Married 4/19/99


According to Mrs. W I am now Delightful in GA. LOL \:\)
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