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I am sorry if I am frustating you Mimi that is not my intention. I am not even trying to argue. I am just trying to feel heard. I don't feel like you are understanding my point of view. I am trying to understand where I am going wrong.

Are you saying that instead of me taking what he is says to me as criticism I should try and figure out what he is really saying to me. If I do this won't that be making an assumption? Or should I try and reason with him to get him to own his feeling like the example I stated in my last post?

You are saying that he is not criticizing me but trying to show me his concern and I need to see it as such. Then it wouldn't feel to me like a LB. As far as my panties go. I do wear them when I wear dresses. I know I stated in one my post.

Last edited by DIG; 07/02/07 01:13 PM.

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Ok Mel are far as me talking to my C about my H is was not to try and change and control him but to get a better understanding of why he does the things he does so I could be more understanding of him when I felt like he was being irrational.

I thought that if she could give me a differnt prespective of him then I would stop letting his quirks that drive me nuts stop driving me as nuts. So yes when I said I was not trying to change him I was being honest.

Why does everyone think I am aruging? I swear I am not trying to debate only clarify. How am I losing that in my post?


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Mulan how is me saying that my feelings should be considerd just as much as his being immature? If I start doing something just because he wants me to and not because I agree with it isn't that bound to cause resentment?

I have read and very much understand HNHN. I also do try and give alot to my DH and not worry about what I can get from him. You don't see that my frustations are coming because I have been trying to give everything to him and I don't feel like he appreciate what I am giving because he is always finding ways that my gifts are not meeting certain standards.

If me saying that my feelings should be just as important as his was that immature then their would be no need for the POJA. Not just for us but for anyone.


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Mr DIG: Do you have on panties?

DIG: No I don't

Mr DIG: What kind of woman leaves the house to go workout with no panties on?



Interrupting....the answer to that question is...

A woman who is looking to be hit on...or picked up at the gym...pure and simple.
It can be nothing else in his mind.
(And that comment about being constrictive, restrictive, or whatever <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> is a copout).

Where I am from, if you go out without panties, there is only one word for that..and I believe it is censored on this site.

You are sending single girl signals to your husband, whether you want to acknowledge that or not.

When he calls you on it, you want to take offense...and call it criticism.

It is NOT criticism when he is trying to call your attention to inappropriate behavior.

Your idea and his idea of inappropriate is evidently not the same.

Not every comment is a criticism ya know.

I can relate...it is a demon I battle constantly.

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CALI,

I have to say that this nor have ever been the reason for me not wearing panties. I have to say the reason I don't like to wear them is not because I am trying to get male attention. I know this is a site for people who are having problems in their marriage but not everything people do is because they want something from someone. I have said this in my post if you read back a few of them I am sure you will see. That I mostly take classes when I workout and there are no men in the classes I take so how can I be doing this to get male attention? Just because there is one possible answer to a question doesn't make it the only answer.

If you all must know. I didn't state my reasons before because they are rather personal. But since everyone here thinks they know the reason I go without panties is because I am trying to get attention I feel I should state why my real reason is. I am prone to yeast infections which is why I don't like to wear them. My OBGYN told me other changing my diet that this is the best option to keep from getting them as often. Sorry if this TMI. But so there you have it. This is way I said that wearing them can make me as unhappy as me not wearing them makes him. Not the answer you were exspecting is it? I know but this is exactly why you are not to pass judgement on people because you don't know whya they do the things they do.

I wear them when I wear dresses because I have the circulation going when I do and with pants I don't. Simple as that.

This is why I take his comments about them as critcism. Just like when he fussed at me before when my Cycle came on ( it was not regular and very heavy because I have an hormonal imbalance) it was unexspected and came on when we were out furniture shopping and I had to go and bye some more pants because I messes up the ones I was wearing and he asked me how can I be a woman for as long as I have and not be better able to take care of myself. So when I made the Dr's appointment and he found out that it was a medical issue he had his answer but yet he still did not apologize for his insensitive statment. I hope this gives a better picture as to why I am sensitive to what he says about me. I am not trying to play the victim. I just don't want to be made to feel like a fool because I had an accident.

Also I don't have a problem with him telling me he finds something innappropriate. I have a problem with the way he does it. It's a difference.

Last edited by DIG; 07/02/07 01:46 PM.

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DO THIS:

The next time that he says ANYTHING that FEELS like a CRITICISM of YOU say: "Thanks for you help. I appreciate it."

Come back and tell us what happens.

Dig, take a good hard look at yourself. You do act and sound younger than your age and your H is treating you accordingly.

Just telling us all of that information is another indication of that.


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If you all must know. I didn't state my reasons before because they are rather personal. But since everyone here thinks they know the reason I go without panties is because I am trying to get attention I feel I should state why my real reason is.


I made the comment about constrictive and restrictive because I thought for sure that I had read that in one of your posts...my bad.

These are the reasons that you give:

[color:"red"] It's just a matter of personal preference [/color]

[color:"red"] If I have on a dress I will but I don't like to wear them often. It's just one of my things.

[/color]

[color:"red"] I know wearing them wont kill me I just don't see the harm in not wearing them and that's why I haven't opted to do it more often.
[/color]

[color:"red"] I was going without panties before I met him so it's not like it's something I just started to do. It's just me.[/color]

[color:"red"] Have you all taken in to consideration that me wearing panties can make me as unhappy as me not wearing them makes him? [/color]

These are the comments that makes this panties issue something other than a health issue.

You let on like this is something that you simply WANT to do. That it is just being "you".


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I know what I said. I said it because I didn't feel comfortable stating the real issue. I have had the hormonal imbalance for a while. Before I was only taking meds to control my mood swings. I didn't realize until I got a Dr. by pure coencidence that specializes in hormone problems. I went to him because I thought it was my fibriod that I found out about when I was pregnant that was causing all of the other problems I was having.

The Dr I have now did blood work to find out the extent of my imbalance and has now given me meds the regulate my cycle and help me sleep and help with the weight I gained. The only thing it helps but not to the point where it stops the completely is the yeast infections.

I have been having problems with the problem with yeast infections for years and my old OBGYN thought it was due to diet and the way I dressed and didn't investigate any further. Which is why I said that I have been doing this for years even before I met my DH and it wasn't for attention then either because before I met my DH I didn't like getting attention from men in a sexual way because of being raped in my past. This is also why I felt he was being insensitive to my issues.

Now my problems are as bad as before because of the help I am getting from my new Dr but I am still apprehensive about wearing the to often when I have on pants because of my past. I hate to air out my dirty laundry but there you have it.

So you see LG while some problems may be just that simple to solve I don't feel this applies.

It is why I prefer to go without even though it is not a nessacary as before I am still cautious in this regard.

No matter how much you compromise there seems to always end up being something you have to agree to disagree on.

Life is not black and white but many shades of gray. That's why although the MB method works for most people it doesn't work for all. I know sometimes I can be very pig headed but I have to say to most things I am very open minded.


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Life is not black and white but many shades of gray.

Do things look gray and fuzzy to you, DIG? If so, this could be the source of your problem. I usually find when things look "gray" and fuzzy to me, it is because I am lying to myself about something. I somehow suspect that is the case here.


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If you all must know. I didn't state my reasons before because they are rather personal. But since everyone here thinks they know the reason I go without panties is because I am trying to get attention I feel I should state why my real reason is. I am prone to yeast infections which is why I don't like to wear them. My OBGYN told me other changing my diet that this is the best option to keep from getting them as often.

I'm assuming that you did change your diet, then. I can recommend a book called "The Yeast Connection"-Dr William Crook, and there's a cookbook that goes with it. You definitely need to eliminate simple carbs like bread and sugar, and soft drinks from your diet completely.

If it's as bad as you say, you and your obgyn can combat it with an aggressive treatment of prescription medication (diflucan, sporanox) that is available now. It wasn't available when I was diagnosed with yeast-related illness many years ago (back in the 80s--after 4 courses of IV antibiotics, I was very imbalanced to say the least. I was able to resolve it, and keep my panties on.:)

Next, cleanliness is essential, but only topical and non-aggressive, any kind of "inner cleansing" (read this link) will work against you, by upsetting the natural balance!

Put your panties back on! They protect your cleanliness and allow your body to breathe better then jeans, because natural fiber wicks moisture away from you. Make sure you buy comfortable 100% cotton.

Add yogurt to your diet, plain is better but sugar-free is ok. There is now yogurt with acidopholus in it. Talk to your physician about adding Acidopholus to your vitamin/supplement regimen. Every time you take antibiotics make sure you get a prescription of Diflucan to go with it. Tell your physician that you have a history of candida (yeast) so that you are sure to get both medications filled at the same time.

Sometimes the husband needs to be treated as well, as he can reinfect once the infection is full-blown.

This can be resolved. If you do what I'm suggesting you'll never get another one. I never ever go without panties and it is quite the trigger for me since the MOW didn't wear them. Lingerie is much more sexy than ho-naturel, imho.

Follow the link above, and check out this link also.

Don't do things that make your husband unhappy. Especially something like this which can really be misconstrued, as you see by the reactions you've gotten. You want' your husband to think the best of you, to see the best in you, and I don't think this is a hill worth dying on.


[color:"#39395A"]***Well, it's sort of hard to still wonder if you were consolation prize in the midst of being cherished.***
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Devastation Day: Aug 26, 2004
[color:"#2964d8"]"I think we have come out on the other side... meaning that we love each other more than we ever did when we loved each other most." [/color]
[color:"#7b9af7"]
~Archibald MacLeish[/color]

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I know what I said. I said it because I didn't feel comfortable stating the real issue.

You said it quite a few times, and that is all we have to go on when making suggestions or comment.

I still find it hard to believe that it would help to go without underwear.

They provide a protective barrier to that area.

my old OBGYN thought it was due to diet and the way I dressed

As in....going commando?

100% cotton underwear...
Dreft detergent...
slacks that aren't too tight...
no bubble baths...
no scented tissue paper...

The list is endless in battling that problem, and NOT wearing underwear isn't on the list.

JMHO
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Mates 4 Life I really want to say thank you for this very helpful and informative information. I am very happy to have a soultion to both of our problems so we can both be happy. I will be way more than willing to do this. I have to never to have to worry about a yeast infection again sounds like heavan to me.

Yes I did used to douche a lot. I got this from my mom she loved to smell good and I do to. I also use to use norforms Deordarants as well.

I have changed my diet but I still eat lots of starchy foods. I think this may contribute as well. I know that yogart can be used to treat yeast but I thought it was used vaginally after dipping a tampon into it. I didn't know if I ate it it would have the same affect. That is nice to know.

As far as you saying I can see how things can be misconstrued I can definitely see how my DH can get the same idea as everyone else. However I thought that because he knew why he would be more understanding and open minded but I guess just because he knows what's going on with me he know that someone else can see me and get the wrong idea and this is what he was worried about.

Now I have to say this. Can you see if he had come to me and said this how I would have been more open to trying to find a soultion? There is a righ way and a wrong way to do everything. I can see how we were both handeling this the wrong way.

Mel as far as me saying the world is not black and white but many shades of gray. I meant that sometimes people tend to think just because there is one way to do something it's the right and only way. I feel like this. There is more than one route to get to my house but my H like this one certain route because he feels like it easier to get there the way he goes. I personally don't care which route I take as long as I get where I am going. So if I take the senic route does that make it wrong? Should I have to rely on the route he feels is the best route.


This is what I meant basically there is always more than one way to skin a cat but if you try and make me feel the way you do it is the only right and good way to do it and my way is just silly then that is a DJ.

I think I am saying this right. If they have two ways to cook a pot of rice and I like using a rice cooker because when I put it on the stove I forget to turn it off and burn the bottom. But my mom thinks I am just being stuck up because I am to high and mighty to cook rice the old fashion way like she does. Does this make me wrong because I prefer the rice cooker so I don't have to worry about forgetting to turn off the rice?

Not that I am lying to myself about anything. People who see things in black and white tend to be ridgit and resist change. I want and embrace change because I know it is inevitable.

Why do you think I am in denial or lying to myself?


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I meant that sometimes people tend to think just because there is one way to do something it's the right and only way. I feel like this. There is more than one route to get to my house but my H like this one certain route because he feels like it easier to get there the way he goes. I personally don't care which route I take as long as I get where I am going. So if I take the senic route does that make it wrong? Should I have to rely on the route he feels is the best route.


This is what I meant basically there is always more than one way to skin a cat but if you try and make me feel the way you do it is the only right and good way to do it and my way is just silly then that is a DJ.

Honestly, I don't have any idea what this all means. But if you feel that your thinking is not clear, ie: "gray areas," I would do as you are doing and ask others, who do not suffer this malady, to help you out. However, if you ask for help, don't argue with the helpers, especially when they have more maturity and more experience than you. That would not be "open minded."

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People who see things in black and white tend to be ridgit and resist change.

A baseless stereotype that is easily refuted. I see things in black and white and embrace change, so that shoots to he11 that little stereotype. Rather, they tend to be clear thinkers who manage their lives rationally and strategically. Maturity and experience brings clear thinking. It is the "gray" fuzzy thinkers who are the foggy thinkers. Saying you see lots of "gray areas" sounds cute [to highschoolers] but does not bespeak clear-headed thinking or maturity.


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CALI,

Everyone one is different. My doctor told me that not wearing panties would help with air cirulation down there so I believed her I mean she is the Dr. Who am I to question. If I did it and it helped I believed what she said. Wouldn't you. The problem didn't go away but it got better so I had no need to question this. I said that this is a problem I have been having for years they have more ways to determine what is and is not effective then they did this year alone. Imangine how much things change over a span of 15. I know back in the day they thought leechs was an effective form of medicine for different ails but you don't see people using them in the Dr's office much these days.

I know you were going on what I said because I was kind of weary of saying the real reason. However just because I didn't tell you all what it was a first my H knew. However no one tried to see my stand point. So I had no other recourse but to say what my real reluctance to wearing them in the first place because I knew it was going to be the only way that anyone would even be willing to see why I was so unwilling to give my DH something that you all found to be so minute.

I don't know if you all have ever heard of the old addage Never Judge a book by it's cover. I would have to say this certainly applies here. Just because everyone thinks it's improper they were not even willing to give me the benefit of the doubt or even hear me out. I just had to stop my improper behavior and that was final. No soultions no nothing.

I realize that I was causing tension. I think that we were having a power struggle. He didn't try and find a better way to get to ask and I wasn't trying to listen because I didn't like the way he came to me and I used this as an excuse to not hear him out instead trying to see where he was coming from.


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Well Mel,Mulan,Mims, and everyone else who tried to help me with owning my wrong doing. I have recently come to see what you were trying to get me to see.

I have to say I am very humbled now. I had to learn that pride comes before the fall the hard way.

Last night my H and I had a very long talk and I now see that even though I have been doing the things he wanted me to do. I still have lots of room for improvement.

I realized last night that I fear my H thinking less of me and because of my fear. My action were causing me to do things that would in fact make him do just that. Because I am a stay at home mom. I thought it was demeaning of me a grown [censored] woman to ask my H for premission to do things. Now I realize that me doing this would have made him think more of me and not less. I think it is amazing at how different we both think. He is the bread winner and yet before he would do or buy anything he would talk to me about it and my attitude would be I am not your mom. He did this out of respect for me. Me however I wouldn't do it because my pride wouldn't let me because if I did I thought he would not see me as his equal because I was coming from what I thought to be an inferior position. While all though he was consulting me before he did anything he would be coming from a superior position because he made the money and at anytime he could just leave me out in the cold.

What got me thinking is the fact that he came to me and said you have been chatting on the computer more than you have been talking to me. That's when I really realize that he does love me.

It's funny I didn't want him to treat me like a child and I felt like he was but in actuality I was acting like one and he responded in kind. I can't believe I put my pride before the needs of my family. I feel horrible because of this, however now I know better I can do better. We are in this together it's not about me and it's not about me but our family and what's best for everyone. Not worring about if he his going one up me.

As hard as this is for me to admit. Mulan you were absoultly right and so were you Mel. I was being immature if not about the panties but the way I was viewing my H and I was in denial. I now realize that it is time for me to stop doing thngs the hard way. To stop being stubborn and learn to listen no matter how a message is delivered. I don't know everything and I can learn alot from other people. So now I am willing to put my pride aside and say thankyou for helping me see the light even though I had a hard time accepting what you all were saying I am very glad you said it. See Mel I don't care what anyone says about you. Sometimes the pitbull is just what is needed. I can't thank you all enough.

I don't yet realize why I feel I have to prove I am not less than anyone are that them offering advice does not me they think I am incompotent. However I know this is my issue and I will not let that belief system hurt my family any longer. Even if someone feels I am not compotent why should that matter to me? If they think I am less than them why should what they think matter. If I know I am not less than them or imcompotent because I don't know everything and have to seek guidance doesn't make me weak but strong because I have put my pride aside and learned that we all need help at one time or another and that we are all here to help one another.

I feel like I have grown up over night. I now realize that everyone has to listen to someone sometimes.

I told my DH he was the first person that made me feel loved for who I am. Now I feel that way even more so because after being with me for ten years and putting up with my bullhead ways that he either really loves me or he is just as bullheaded as I am and thank you for not giving up on me. I now see I have a helluva man he is the quiet strong type and even though he drives me nuts at times like I am sure I do to him. He is just what I need. Just like my friends here who tell it like it is and don't cut corners to protect my feelings. Thank you all again.


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Good girl, DIG. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Putting down the defenses and focusing on being a partner with your H will make a world of difference, I promise you. I also am learning POJA myself and it has been the hardest part of MB for me, I won't lie to ya! But the results have been well worth it. I had to put aside old stereotypes of "asking my H for permission" and realize it is not that AT ALL. It is a partnership that takes both parties into account. Hang in there, you are doing great. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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See Mel I don't care what anyone says about you. Sometimes the pitbull is just what is needed.

I have you to thank for those assertiveness training classes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


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Mel you are to much. Thank you. I have to say I have my mom to thank for my attitude about talking things over with my H. Whenever she wants something she says I guess you have to ask your daddy for permission. Her saying this makes me feel like she doesn't think I am an adult able to make my own decsions.

However now that I think about it. That is the attitude she has with my dad and I see what that does to their R and I have to say the cost for having my own would be having a M like theirs and I have to say that cost is way to high. I feel so much better now that I am changing my prespective. I can see my H is my alli not my competition.

I think my mom does and says the things she does to sabbotage me. I remember when I told her that Mr DIG preposed to me she told me and I quote " When he sees how you are he is going to leave you." I have to say it has been ten years and he is still here. So if she is wrong about that then she can be wrong about other things.


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I thought about what I was trying to say to you the other day when I read BR's last post on that LEMON thread.

There remains many major issues that I have with my H and him with me but there's so much more about him that I TREASURE....the key now is that we can OPENLY AND HONESTLY communicate/negotiate now about those problems...


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 614
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 614
I got you Mims. I see that now to. His good outweighs his bad for certain. This morning I actually smiled when I thought about him and his overly cautious ways. Since I have changed the ways I view what he does now I can see when he tried to look out for me that was his was of showing how much he cares and not second guess me. It makes me love him even more.


Me (32)
H (33)
3 DD's 9,8,2
1 DS 4
Married 4/19/99


According to Mrs. W I am now Delightful in GA. LOL \:\)
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