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#1904243 07/05/07 12:13 PM
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Well here is my story i guess,

I called my wife from here in Iraq. And she says she has something to tell me. She at first doesnt want to tell me over the phone but i knew instantly what she was going to tell me. But I had to hear her say it. She said she did it 2 days prior to my call and doesnt know why it just happened she is currently in SC with her parents. So the only thing im led to belive is that it is someone from the gym shes been going to. Her parents are going through divorce at the moment so i know it has some bearing on why it happened. We plan on working out our problems and saving our marriage but it isnt easy to say the least. With me being in Iraq i have a hard time as is getting time to talk to her. Was recently turned on to this website by my Chaplian who suggested a slew of other things. I just have a feeling of not wanting to save the marriage and wanting to at the same time. If anyone else has had these feelings please share them with me and the outcome if possible.

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ravenklath,

You've been dealt a hard blow, especially since you are so far from home and your wife. Infidelity is said to be one of the most devestating events in a persons life. But you've been led to a place where you can get excellent help by others who are dealing with the same trauma or those that have recovered.

Please read ALL parts to this site,,not just the forums. The articles and concepts on this site are crucial to understanding what has happened to your marriage and how to overcome/survive it. Be sure to read the links at the top of this forum.

Your conflicting emotions are so very common upon discovery of infidelity. I was positive I didn't want to save my marriage after discovery of my H's affair. Afterall, I always said "Cheat on me once and you're gone," didn't it? But to actually experience it and to "walk in those shoes" brings a whole new sense of reality that doesn't always coincide with previous thoughts. Our marriage has been saved and is far better than I ever thought possible.

Give us some more information on your situation. How long have you been married? Kids? How long have you been gone and your projected return to the US? How was the marriage before you left? What do you know about the affair? Is she remorseful and does she want to work on the marriage?

We have many others here that have experienced infidelity while they were away serving. I will see if I can get a few of them to your thread to give you some ideas as to what you can do while you are gone.

Keep posting. Keep reading and know you are not alone.

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Please be careful while you are there!

We need some more information - how long you have been married, kids, how the marriage was before.

Your wife needs to have no contact with the other man. That is absolutely essential. Will she agree to that?

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Ravenklath,

I've been where you are in many ways. My best advice to you can only come once you've painted a better picture of where things are with your wife... I'd also recommend shifting this thread over to General Questions II and renaming it in a way that describes your situation a little better so more people come forward to help guide you.

I would recommend restraint in the meantime. Don't make decisions in haste and don't try too hard to "win her back" right away. It took her a while to get to the point where "it just happened" and it is up to her to find her way out. All you need to do now is patiently and gently light the way 'home' for her if you are indeed in this to reconcile. RESIST THE URGE TO FIX THIS IMMEDIATELY OR TO MAKE HER SEE THE ERROR OF HER WAYS BY OVEREXPOSING... Trust me on this one... I've been there and made that mistake.

Here is My Story. The saga continues from there once I got home, but I want you to know that you will survive and emerge a stronger man from this trial, no matter the outcome. Take a deep breath and keep your head down while you're over there. A fallen husband cannot be a reconciling husband upon redeployment. Understand the priorities?

I'm praying for you and your wife.

All I am and will become in Him,
Sbmmal


sbmmal BH 29 (Me) WW 29 M: 07-20-2001; DD Age 2 EA/PA: 5/06 - Present D-Day: 6-3-06 Deployed Since 11/05, Leave Due in 07/05 Home Forever and Out of Army 10/06... Praying for Us and Seeking God Feverishly!!!
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So sorry this had to happen to you, as you are not only far from home, but also in forward territory. Be safe out there.

While it will be difficult to manage, you will need more information from your Wayward Wife (WW), before you come to an informed decision about staying or leaving. In the end, what you really have to ask yourself is what the both of you are prepared to do in order to save the M or walk away?

Lots of luck to you.

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I found out my husband of 22 years is having an emotional affair with a member of his hiking group. A month ago he asked for a divorce as he thought we were through. He said that he wanted to get to know her better. After a week of tears, he agreed to give us another try. We had 2 pretty good weeks of connecting again. He said he loved me but needs time to get back all the way. I asked him to send her an email ( their main form of communication) but he never did.
The hiking group left for a week long hiking trip in the DR. I am scared that he will get to know her better on the trip.
We have 2 daughters 17 and 20. Should I tell them about her?
I don't want to ruin his relationship with them yet he did this.
I know he needs time to sort things out. Waiting on the sidelines is awful. He said he loves me before he left. I puts love notes in some of his clothes to remind him of us.
Help!

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Hi Ravenklath,

I'm currently in Afghanistan on my second tour. So I understand completely the pain of being separated from your family during a crisis.

I also understand your feelings of wanting to save the M and wanting to cut the strings... all at the same time. I felt this way for a long time.

My best advice to you would be to keep talking with your Chaplain and try as best you can to stay focused on your mission. Don't make ANY decisions regarding whether you want to stay or go until you re-deploy. You will have plenty of time to start rebuilding if you choose to do so when you return home.

Your phone time is precious, so If she wants to "talk" about what's happened, I would just let her know that you are hurting, but try to stay away from trying to figure all of this out on a 30 minute phone call.

Stay focused and read all of the articles here that you can. It is possible to work through this. My wonderful wife and I will celebrate our 21st anniversary this coming December.

Semper Fi,
RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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Dear Stunned,
I see that this is your first post on this site. I suggest you go to the Main Index and post under the infidelity, general questions section.

How long will your H be on this trip? Is the other woman married? Do you know who she is? You say they communicate by e-mail, is that when they are not our hiking or at a club meeting? Does he have a cell phone? Can you take a look at his phone records? How about his e-mail account? Can you access his e-mail and look at their correspondence? What about credit cards? Can you look at all credit card activity?

If this EA was just recently discovered, he will still be in a fog about the relationship. This is not the time for you to sit around and wait for him to decide what he wants. He definitely needs to establish no contact with this woman. That means he needs to withdraw from that hiking club after he writes her the No Contact letter. If he was asking you for a divorce, this is a very serious threat to your marriage.

You need to tell the people in his life who will help you with recovery of your marriage. Usually, this includes children who are capable of understanding what you are telling them--ie, tell children about the affair in words that they can understand.

There are others that also should be told--parents, siblings, the other woman's husband or boyfriend, etc.

Can you join him on the hike? It would be good if you could join him. And, Welcome to Marriage Builders.
Lake


Lake
BW-53
FWH-54
H had EA 3 weeks 06
Married 1977

N C 4-10-06
3 DSs
In Recovery
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Hey Ravenklath,

I know your computer time is limited... you can e-mail me at rif902000@yahoo.com if you have any specific questions you want to discuss...

Hope everything is going well for you. We haven't heard from you in a while.

Semper Fi,
RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
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Hey SBMMAL - I just read your story... how are you guys doing?

I've e-mailed Ravenklath and he's doing OK considering all that's going on right now...

Semper Fi,
RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!

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