Ok,here's another question.

No I haven't met D yet.But something bothered me tonight.I was checking out yahoo.com personals,not for myself but just to look and there he was.It looks like he put himself on that website too just in the past day or so.

So here's the question: should I be hurt by that or start questioning D if he is really interested in me and if so shouldn't we meet now or something like that? I know that I've been told that already but I am kind "old fashioned" and I thought he should do take that first step
( right/wrong). I'm making all kinds of assumptions because I just don't know where I stand with him.I kind of feel like if he was really interested in me romantically things would be moving along faster and other website stuff would be on hold.We still talk almost daily,I just wonder about the romantic part.I checked back to the initial time he contacted me and it's only actually been 10 days.Not sure if that's considered long or short.

Plus I know he was online a couple of hours after I sent him an e-mail on match.com and he didn't respond to that yet.He usually does the following day.Is that a bad sign? I mean,if I was interested in someone I would be talking to them all the time.But that's just me.

These things are what make online dating thoroughly disagreeable...

OK, let's get serious here... Are you really asking if it's OK for him to be on other dating sites, and are questioning his interest in you, when you haven't even met?? Have you not read any of the replies you got, that e-dating is nothing but a fantasy until you meet? Yet you haven't met him, and have said how much you enjoy the fantasy island - but you can't have it both ways, can you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Seriously, reread starving's post to you, about "keeping it real". You are refusing to make it real by meeting the guy (and don't blame it on being old fashioned and waiting for him to take the first step), so the consequences are that it is stil nothing but an e-romance. Until you meet, that is all it is, no sense questioning his interest. Why should he be exclusive with your "profile"?

Anyway, just some food for thought. I don't understand why you don't simply meet him. You are making it more convoluted than it needs to be. Online dating is only as complicated as people make it, IMO.

AGG

AB, you are so cute <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Btw, I would think the same... and we are both wrong... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It is nice to be in 'a fantasy land', and you recognized it a few posts earlier... it seems that now you are 'crossing the border'...

I wonder if it is a genre thing...
Women get sooner "emotionally" atached than men (in general)...

And somehow it reminds me of a 'saying' that I heard a long time ago - women love as much as they can and men as much as they want...
They are more pragmatical, rational (again, in general (you never know who's reading <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />))
Smarter (in this regard <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />)

AGG,

It's not so much that I don't think it's ok to be on other sites.I am.I guess in my warped way of thinking I expected if he was really interested we would be on the path to meeting by now.I've gotten over the fantasy part mostly since I realize that is not helping, of course.And yes I am reading all the replies to me.I always do intently.Ok,ok.I know I have to ask straight out but I did elude to meeting before but have yet to be asked myself.Gawd I need someone to shake some sense into me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> I'm definitely feeling messed up since I started all this.Some days I'm feeling great about this experience,the others sad.What's up with that? Just keep talking to me AGG,I need a guys advice with this.And by the way,what would you think is the reason that D hasn't asked me to meet yet?


B2M,

I've been told many times how cute,beautiful,stunning,and pretty I am,etc,etc yet,I haven't found a special someone.Maybe I'm rushing things <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I also think that women get more emotionally attached sooner.But afterall,these sites are designed to meet someone for romantic purposes right? I would be surprised to hear anyone say that those partners they choose to talk to haven't elicited some kind of emotional response.I mean,that's what makes you choose them.That's what made me choose D.Everything I would like in appearance is there.The other half is waiting to be explored and so the fear? of rejection looms too.I guess if I were to ask about meeting and he says no or I don't know then I would wish him luck and bid him fairwell since I can't keep talking with him and have it go nowhere.I really want to get to know him better but only if he feels the same.

Plus,I haven't been able to eat lately.It's like the A diet only this time it's nerves I guess.I'm dropping weight like a stone and I was already skinny.I know that isn't healthy which is why I have to figure this out.

yep,I'm a basket case.

honestly, ab, i hate dating. at our age, not that we are old, but it is like you don't know how to do it anymore. it is ok i guess once you get past that awkward stage. but it is hard. i know it shouldn't be but it is.

all that "i wonder what he is thinking" garbage. drives you nuts. but then, when you do find someone worth dating for any length of time you start letting walls down which makes you very very vulnerable. and vulnerable means you risk getting hurt. and hurt, in a nutshell, SUCKS.

so, i understand completely your feelings and questions and apprehensions.

i remember when gekko and i were talking, we talked for 5 months before we met. exchanged photos and such of course, but that fear kept us talking that long. you fear that in that one moment of meeting it could all be gone in a flash. i was so nervous i thought i would die. he was flying here from several states away to meet me. how much would that stink if we didn't like what we saw in eachother?! but, that is where i think the talking for 5 months came in handy because we had a base and we were already attracted to the insides of who we were. so there were a lot of feelings before we met face to face. and, being that we live far away from eachother, we couldn't just meet whenever we wanted.

on the other hand, with you, you are in the same town or close to it. i would initiate a date! once you meet that fear will be gone. once you have met a few, if this one doesn't pan out, it will not be uncomfortable anymore i would imagine. and his being on another site? i am not surprised. he is not putting all of his eggs in one basket yet nor should he nor should you. but i do understand how you feel. and i personally can only date one man at a time. i like to get to know one person at a time. i can usually tell pretty quickly if i want to move on with that person or not. i have my walls up and they don't come down very easily so i don't allow myself to get too attached too soon. i am just not cut from the cloth of multiple dating, too much gets in the way in my opinion.

you will be fine ab
mlhb

AB, it looks that you are too serious...
You have just started, and you don't know 'their rules' (their = site)...
I am sure that after meeting a few guys (I hope you are aware that finding 'mr. right' right away is so rear, like lottery...?), you will see that, actually, focusing so soon on just one might be great waste of time... and that is what I think is happening with him, e.g., except that people can be addicted to these sites too, you know...
Many kind there...

"If he was really interested, he would..." I do believe in this and that is true.
A question is can he be SO interested at all after 'just' 10 days talking to 'one of ladies from the site'...
And should you... (especially when you are losing your sleep and weight... although I don't think it's because of him, but because of your 'rushing your wishes come true'...)
Btw, we all know that we should watch someone actions not words, yet, I'm afraid, we never fully learn this the most valuable lesson...

"But afterall,these sites are designed to meet someone for romantic purposes right?"
Different people see romance different ways, we know that...?

"That's what made me choose D.Everything I would like in appearance is there."
Because there are not so many men on that site (and living close to you) that you like (at all), and compared to others he looks having it 'all'... you might be exaggerating...
Also, if he's longer there... well, when I was reading some of profiles, you can see a 'pattern'... and I just 'felt' that some of them are just so 'online-dating experienced', and when you are more experienced you can attract better...
Don't want to 'scary you', but you really know nothing before you meet him... And that would be my advice - meet him and see...
And if he rejects, well, he is not the last one, it will just show you that is not so easy, and it is not...

I agree, a guy's opinion on this would be very beneficial.
And we know how our AGG is a smart and a good guy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Or Wiftty's... to relax and stop 'spouse hunting', for future is uncertain <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Am not kidding.
So, I'm listening too, for I know if I ever register I will need this too...

mlhb,

I do think a lot like you in that respect.I do want to focus on only one person whereas I am sure other people might enjoy having many irons in the fire so to speak.That isn't me though and maybe we're in the minority there.And about the other website,I'm not really sure he just put himself out there,I might have read it wrong,you know,being active probably means checking in on the site or something.I am on 3 sites too so I don't expect D to be on only one either.

It is frustrating not being able to make a more accurate assessment.That is a big part of what I do as an RN.I am always assessing and making observations and "judgments" about people,their personalities,fears,reasoning,etc and I'm usually on target.I can't do that not having met and it's bothering me.

I know I got attached too soon just based on his looks.But it's not that common for that to happen to me so when it does,I usually start falling right away.You know,when I do searches for the type of person I am looking for in appearance,it's like it's a rare find.At least out where I live.So finding someone I find physically attractive is exciting to pursue.Anyway, I appreciate your support and everyone here.You all keep me from going off the deep end. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



B2M,

I know I got carried away too fast (read above).I'm not saying he's Mr.Right at all ( don't really think he exists) just that I want to pursue this more and I know I have to be the one to get going on that.I am talking to other's,don't get me wrong.It's just that if I knew D showed as much interest in me as I am feeling,then I would put everyone else on the backburner.As it is I am axing people left and right.Not to be mean or anything but I know what I want when I see it and how they talk to me is another sign if I should continue on with them.I'm not spouse hunting.That isn't even on my radar right now.And I am prepared in my mind that he could be a big jerk in person too.I don't think I am being that naive.But man,he is SO attractive......wow.I can't get over that, so when he e-mails me and I see his face/body,I get weak in the knees.

ahhhhhhhh lol It's me.*I* am making myself a basket case.The thing is,I always have been someone who needs to figure things out right away.Again going back to being an RN,I have to make rapid fire assessments all the time,like doctors do, so my mind is trained that way,to figure something out and come up with a plan.I want to figure D out and how he thinks,what he likes,like I mentioned before,I want to know everything about him now.If that doesn't scare people off I don't know what will! lol

Just ask him to meet. If he doesn't agree, move on. If he agrees, great, tell us how it went. No need for drama, heartache, pain, or weight loss <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Sheesh, I should get a commission for making things so simple for you gals <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

How's this for beating around the bush: I told D yesterday that I would love to spend some time with him...only I said it in French. lol

But I will ask him to meet,in anglais, the next e-mail and just get it over with.I promise AGG. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Honestly though,I think this whole online thing is wearing me down.I know that's probably what is accounting for the lack of sleep and poor appetite and I don't know why I'm having such a "drastic" reaction. Maybe my first foray into the mix? I have only been doing it a little over 2 weeks? now but I wonder if I shouldn't stop doing it for a while.I am not yet able to be as carefree about it as other's might be.I think back to just the beginning of July and how great I felt then.hmm

I also tend to get worn out by online dating after a month or so, and then go back to my "normal" life. It keeps things more balanced and normal.

As for D, I dunno. This should not be so hard. Either he doesn't want to meet you, in which case why waste time with him, or you two are doing some dance that seems to not be working for you... Either way, I don't understand why a simple coffee date has become so complicated. But if you want to invite him in Russian or in Hebrew instead of en francais, just let me know.

AGG

Heehee.I'll keep that in mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thing is,I don't know if D speaks French.I don't think so.I was just kidding around with him and said a few lines all in French after he said a few things to me with some sexual overtones so I guess if he figures out what I said,he will either be scared off or, not get any mixed messages about my desire to take it to the next step and look into his blue eyes.

One thing that I have always felt from the beginning is a slight chance that he is not altogether open with women or he might have some relationship skills lacking.I'm not sure why I feel that but nonetheless it's there.He's NMNK so I always wonder about them.

I guess maybe I will find out tomorrow since I am not going to check my e-mail all day.I need a break.

Oh,btw,what do you do when you need to get "back to normal" and take a break from the online dating business? Should I delete my profiles or just let them sit and not check? I have no idea what to do.

I've enjoyed reading this post. Please be suspicious of everything I write... I cross into fantasy land... 3xs in the last 7 months.

Ok, Ok

My thoughts and opinions...

-Post a pic. Not too much harm. We should be able to tell if a guy is just looking for SF anyway...right?

-Don't talk and email more than a few times... if your interest is high meet right away. Don't develop an emotional attachment prior to a first meeting.

-Meeting at a coffee shop or bookstore with coffee shop is a great way to start. Any thing more than that can be uncomfortable.

-Always meet in a public place.

-Have a few questions in mind to ask that interest you... just in case it is very early in the "coffee talk" and it goes dead.

-If there is no chemistry...it's fine to call it quits after meeting within about 40 minutes or so.

-Practice, if it helps, saying a few lines that let the other person know you want to wrap things up and end things.

-I wouldn't connect with someone who is separated and has been for more than a year.

-If your interest is low to medium... cut it off right away, you don't have to respond. (though I used to.) Don't emotionalize it.

-Don't think twice about blocking someone who continues to contact you... do it!

-If you start "seeing" someone get off match.

-Be VERY specific in what you're looking for. The more specific the better! You will be doing yourself a greatfavor and saving precious time.

-Do not fib, or accept anyone who fibs about who they are. (Great foundation to start with!)

-Remember there are many, many "fish in the sea." Take some risks, let yourself open up, be WHO you are and honest.

I'm on and off match (I take needed breaks from it.) I'm starting to think that perhaps if I just don't "work" at it something may naturally build in my life.

Eharmony and Chemistry have such a rig a ma mole. A lot of wasted time going through their "procedures."

----Oh I've wondered myself why MB doesn't have a dating site! It would be great...folks who already have some common threads...lol.

My best to all of you in your dating endeavours...
I've learned, don't put too much emphasis on it...
That way it won't discourage you too much...
We don't "need" them.
Though it might be nice to have some companionship...

Lamplight

Well,I'm 99% sure I have scared off D with my last e-mail.He didn't e-mail me yesterday and not yet today but that is the longest he's ever gone so I am going to assume the worst.There was no denying how I felt with what I said so,he must just not be that into me and/or doesn't want to meet.

Plus,I noticed his profile on yahoo.com personals is gone too.To me that either means he's taking a break,I scared him really good,or he found someone he wants to continue with.As far as I know he's still on Match.com.I do want to send him one last e-mail with a few thoughts and a good bye.Is that appropriate?


LWP,

I agree with what you say.Pictures are a must.And e-mailing for too long can be dangerous,as in my case.I looked forward to hearing from him and told him so,so that probably also helped send him packing although he seemed interested in me by his e-mails.How are you supposed to think otherwise?

I agree too about eHarmony.That has been quite a disappointment and I am not going to renew.I thought that would be the best way to meet people but I also think all the steps and so on don't really give much freedom.

One guy,the really attractive volleyball player e-mailed me the other night.There was something very wrong with him though.I had read his profile so he contacted me and wanted to IM.So,reluctantly I did.Well it was very weird,hyper sexualized at one point then I cut him off ( he was NMNK).I didn't really know where he was going with the conversation but he was so hyper and didn't seem to appreciate what it meant to be divorced (how could he?).I got rid of him.Goes to show you that looks aren't everything.

Just to inquire again,what are people doing when they take breaks? Delete your profile or just avoid it for a while? It seems a waste of time to delete your profile.I spent a lot of time making sure it was the best it could be,accurate and up to date,etc.

Hi American Beauty~

When I take a break it is one of two reasons:

1. I'm getting serious about someone. It is out of respect for that person I'm getting serious about. If I'm going to meet someone on a second "date" not coffee talk that would be serious enough for me to take my portrait down. I'm not comfortable with dating multiple guys whatsoever.

2. I could be doing any number of things... sometimes I start to put too much emphasis on finding someone and I have to keep that in pespective. Sometimes it just isn't all that to be dating.

Someone just mentioned to me it is like shopping. I'm not a great shopper and don't really enjoy it that much... however when I do go I'm sooooo picky and I could be gone all day and spend most of the next day returning to some of the same stores to return or purchase items I'd seen the day before. That is why I shop about 3 times a year. When I do... boy do I shop! This was my friends funny comment: "I'm in the car parking lot kicking the tires."

Now that I think of my analogy to shopping...brother...it has to be on sale, the right fit, color, size, fabric, quality, design, price...and if I like it a lot I'll by two in different colors. If shopping is anything like dating...oh boy! I'm in trouble...lol. OOOOhhh and every once in a while I just see an outfit I want instantly...I know it is for me. Hmmm.

Oh the fun of it. Meanwhile...laundry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I take myself off any sites when I take a break. I look at it this way: If I'm taking a break I'm not available. If I leave my picture and profile up I look available. I know I don't like to send people an email and get no response when they may just be taking a break.

nams,

If you don't mind my asking,how long have you been doing the online dating thing? I think I have been at it now for almost 3 weeks.It's already been quite a ride for me.

Do you really start fresh each time and make whole new profiles? Seems like a lot of work.

If you don't hear from someone within a few days, I don't think it is reasonable to conclude anything one way or another. Sometimes life happens (although if someone is deep into lala-land he or she will generally find a way to make communication happen).

I don't think it is inappropriate to send "a few thoughts" (such as "I enjoyed communicating with you"), but I wouldn't outright say "goodbye" unless you don't want to hear from this guy again.

If he just signed up on Match and his profile is gone from Yahoo, he may just be switching services. The memberships do cost money, and one service can provide enough activity to keep you busy, depending on location and selectivity.

AB, you can hide your profile on Match. That way you don't have to start over from scratch if you want to go back later. You can even cancel and reactivate your account without Match actually deleting your profile, at least if you don't wait too long. (I've done it, but I don't know what timeframe is involved.)

Personally, I don't like long e-mail or phone exchanges. I think a week or two is plenty long enough to decide whether an in-person meeting is desired. I also think that it is reasonable to express this opinion, and that if expressed as a matter of general principle it should not come across as desperate.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to maintain profiles and engage in communication with multiple "prospects" simultaneously, even if one has significant interest in one particular prospect. At this stage of the game, you're not even dating, per se.

AB- I agree with GDPlume on all his remarks. I think he is giving good advice.

I've been on and off match since last Thanksgiving. It is sooo easy to just turn off your portrait...you don't need to adjust your profile.

I've had guys contact me again and again. Months later asking if I'm interested, now? So don't say "goodbye" unless you don't want them to contact you again.

All I can say from my experiences is that I wonder...really wonder about this single dating scene...sometimes I how many of these guys are just looking for SF...and are honing their skills at getting a woman in bed. Predators...like match becomes a way of life instead of a service to help you find "the one."

I should talk...but it is obvious so many are lonely...and I must say I raise an eyebrow when someone hasn't been married and they're 40?

Good luck.

It feels good though to get some positive feedback from a man though...doesn't it? You're starting to make me think I want to turn my portrait back on.

Lamplight

Thanks for the info everyone.Guys keep checking in please!

Now I need help again.lol

Ok,I am sad about D not responding but something has come along to help take my mind off that.Another guy I had been talking with who also sounds great has asked to meet me and I said yes.He is 39,dark blonde hair,blue eyes,athletic and really tall ( 6'2'') and is a professor who has several degrees: BS,MS and 2 PhD's ( the more the better!),owns his own company,etc.Married for 4 years,D'd 6,no kids,big family.

Anyway,I am not flying off into la-la land with this one
(per AGG) but at least I know the conversation looks to be great.Apples and oranges compared to what I have had with D so far.

So....what to wear?? LOL Ladies? Any suggestions? Probably some heels at least since he's so tall.I guess it will depend on where we decide to meet.Also,any red flags I should watch out for? This will be the first outing with another guy since I started dating my ex!!

I am leaving for a vacation soon so the meeting won't happen until early August sometime.He lives about 2 hours away on Long Island.

I still wish D would e-mail me...sniff...Oh get over it already!



GDP, I did e-mail D with a nice response as I mentioned so I will keep my options open to him in case he is away for a short period or something is going on.But I think I am not going to concentrate on it much.I got quite attached to him,his e-mails and the way he looks way too fast.It might be best to go NC? Lol We'll see...

LWP, I know what you mean about the NMNK in their 40's.I wonder myself.And I should realize too that I think things should happen faster than they probably do.I had another guy e-mail me,didn't hear back for a few days and he e-mailed again today, it turned out he was moving into his new home and didn't have computer access yet.