My WS moved back home about two weeks ago after a year long seperation. Things seemed to go well but were both feeling very guarded. He now wonders if he made the right choice in returning home. He still works with the woman he had an affair with, but is looking for another job. I don't know if he could be going through withdrawal or if it is normal to have these feelings in the beginning of recovery.

Ani,

Withdrawal and recovery will not happen until your H has no contact and the NC needs to last for LIFE.

He is seeing her at work and that is playing on his thoughts and feelings.

"He now wonders if he made the right choice in returning home"

This is normal for him and that is why NC is so important.

The faster he changes job the faster you can recover your M.

Best wishes to you

Thank you for your response. I was so happy when he decided to move back home because I had told him not to return until he was 100% committed to our reconciliation. Now after what I thought was a good beginning he tells me he wonders if we've just changed, or he's not sure anymore about moving home. He seems confused again. I'm not sure what to do. He has an appt with Steve scheduled so maybe that will help. He said if we weren't married he probably would be with her. Ouch! Two weeks ago he said he loved me and was optimistic about the move home. Now he doesn't? I've explained about not seeing OW and he just says he has to work there and until he can get another job. He also says that the affair ended and there is nothing more between them but a work relationship. Although he has stated that he does think of her as a friend.

Ani:

Yes. He will question the choice.

So make sure he knows he made the RIGHT choice.

Plan A your butt off!!!!

Your answer when he questions whether he made the right choice or not?

YES, he did.

Make sure you feel this way and that he isn't picking up vibes from you from the other direction.

Because, right now, it is on you to make this work. Not WH. He is going to have to do the withdrawal, and step into recovery. But, at the beginning, it's up to you...

Make sure he moves forward with the job change.

That will help alot.

LG

It's so hard to plan A now. I feel like he's trying to choose between the two of us. I think he's expecting some grand recovery right away and is discouraged that we might actually have to work at this. I think he feels if we were right for each other it would come easy.

What M2L & LG Said!

It is very normal.

Don't expect to even begin to see withdrawl until after NC is really started (No "accidentally" running into the OW at work).

Stay Strong!

Like LG said - plan A. Read about it in the info above.



Best thing that he could do. Steve always has a way to work with the WS.

When is the appt?



ALL WS say things like this. They all do. It is "fog" talk. They are not thinking clearly and they say what ever comes to their mind. Mostly crap like what your H said. Please just ignore it. I know it hurts to hear, but it is your WH saying it not the man you M.



Sure he says this, but what does he know? This will all change when he no longer sees her and that will take anywhere from 2 - 6 months of NC.

My wife had an EA for about a year and "ended" it with the OM the day I busted them. Well nothing got any better between us until she found a new job. She thought she could work with him and not have mixed feelings, but that didn't happen.

trust us

I understand, but it is important to continue. Stay Strong!



He is. And he will continue this until NC is extablished and he has gone through withdrawl!



Marriage is the hardest taske I have ever undertaken. I do not regret the work that it took to get to where I am today. It has been worth every effort I have put toward it. I believe that my wife and I love each other more now than when we were first wed over 22 years ago.



Of all the truly worthwhile things in life that you have undertaken: Which of them was actually easy?

I have been in Plan A for a year!!! Do I hold a record!!! I'm probably the nicest BS you'll ever meet. My frustration lies with his inability to see that working with her is a roadblock to our recovery. He doesn't see the connection between her and our being able to restore our feelings for each other. By the way, he just told her the other day that he moved back home. I'm wondering if that triggered this whole I'm not sure I did the right thing problem. I'm growing weary of being the one trying to fix this mess. When can he step up and start working on our marriage? Maybe I should just let them have each other and move on.

Ani,

Plan A is painstakingly difficult--but you can do it!

My husband did the same thing and it drove me crazy to the point that I felt like giving up. It's so hard when your pride feels like it's being stepped on. But in the long run, you are doing the most courageous thing by saving your marriage.

Chances are when he establishes true NC, he will snap out of it. But it really does take time, and you have to be drum up every ounce of strengh you've got in you.

Read my sig, Ani. Mine was the poster child of WS Back and Forth BS. He's back. He's committed. He's actually a way better husband that I ever had before.

Hang tough. You can do this.

How do it get him to understand the importance of NC? I can't make him do it. He's looking for another job but has not had any luck. OW is his boss so basically she can have him do whatever she wants. He can't really NC her because he reports to her and works on projects with her. Until he gets another job which could be months, I guess I'll just Plan A. What if he doesn't get any offers in the next few months? How long do I let this go on?

Ani...

Have you exposed this affair? If so, to whom have you exposed? Is the OW married? You do understand that exposure is part of Plan A, correct?

Where was your WH living for the year that you were separated? I do believe that as BobPure says, you've set the admission price back into your heart too low...I don't think that your WH should have been allowed to move back in while still working with OW...Let Steve Harley talk to him, but he will eventually have to realize that he can't work with OW or otherwise remain in contact with her and still remain married to you...that will NOT fly...

Mrs. W

Ani,

this is thr hardest thing most people will ever do. You can make it. It will be so worth it in the end.



He won't see this that is why we are telling you. I want you to know what is to come and what will happen if you do this or he does that. It will get much better after he gets a new job.

Is the OW M? If so have you told her H?



How do you know he told her? Liars can't be trusted at this point. Then again, if he did tell her then maybe she is playing nice and trying to "win" him back and that is why he feels so conflicted.



this is an easy answer - after NC is established. Period

I feel your taker wanting to be feed. You have lived a year like this and you didn't get much from him, but you gave to him all you could. HARD to do I know, but you can do it a little longer.

When Is the appt with Steve?




Ok - that is enough of this. You have been in Plan A a year, but only have 26 or so posts. Lets really put the MB team behind you and bust this A up. We can do this with you.

" OW is his boss so basically she can have him do whatever she wants. He can't really NC her because he reports to her and works on projects with her. "

This helps. You need to get in touch with their CO and tell them about this A. Don't tell your H you are going to so this, just do it. Ask them what they are going to do about it. You might add that part where your H feels like there is nothing he can do about b/c she is the boss.

I bet they split those two up ASAP.

You just might be the poster child of WS back and forth. Everyone's words are so encouraging. When I left the house this morning I cried all the way to work. I just thought I can't take another day of this BS! After being on this site I found the courage to hang in there. He hasn't exactly given up on our marriage, but is very confused.

Ani...Have you exposed this affair?

Mrs. W

I have exposed the affair to a few close friends and family members. Ow is married and H knows about the affair. He continues to live in another state and comes home on the weekends. Supposedly they are working on their marriage. According to H OW is in love with him. OW director in his company. I get the feeling the office knows about the affair although I have never told anyone there. OW H works at same company and they are probably both probably more worried about their careers than they are their marriage. I've spoken to him a few times he just says he'd be surprised if anything was still going on. I don't think he really cares whats going on.

Ani, my H still works in the same complex as the FOW...ours is probably one of the very few marriages that ever made it through recovery with continued contact.

My H became the FOW supervisor and he passed off all interactions with her. I really don't think you have much chance unless your H stops working closely with her.

Since your H told OW he had moved home, you know he is having personal conversations with her, NOT just business. Even though it seems good he told her, it indicates alone time with her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Who knows what else they are chatting about?

Conversation like that is what is making him question his decision to move home.

I don't want to discourage you, but contact makes this whole process so terribly much more difficult and unlikely and you need to prepare for his waffling and backsliding.

Pray for that new job and the the contact between them is shut down!!!!

WH rented a small house while we were separated. My H wanted to surprise me and moved back home. I had made a comment to him once that one day I wish he would come to the door and say baby I'm coming home. That's what he did. It didn't really give me the opportunity to set conditions on his coming home.

Ani, the moment you let him in the door, you made a choice not to set conditions. You probably were happy he did what you hoped, but you have to realize that you did have the opportunity.

Even if you went with the moment, later that day you could have set conditions.