I have a question concerning the implimentation of plan A and Plan B. I want to be sure I have it all straight.

Plan A goes into affect after discovery. This is where you be the spouse your WS wants and needs. You show them what they would be missing out on. How do you know when to move on to plan B?

Plan B is when you write your spouse a letter telling them how the A has affected you. In plan B can you aks questions about the A or should you do that in plan A?

I finally got admittance over some txtx messages from and to OW. I have a few posts about it but to make a long story short- OW is a lesbian who has two children by my husband's cousins. She has been a lesbian and in a "married" relationship to the same woman for 5 years. She and my H had a brief relationship (3 weeks) 5 years ago before she realized she was a lesbian.

He txt messaged he and did not want me to kno thety were talking. She got mad at him and called me. He denied the txt messages. He went as far to say- after she gave me her passowrd to her account to view txt messages- that she made them all up and falsified them. I did not buy it because some of the txts were saying some things I had said to him ( he told her he and I were like roomates- I do not appreciate him- I do not show him affection. I told him previousl;y I felt like we were roommates and I was lacking affection from him. He told me if I appreciated him more and showed that I trusted him the rest would fall into place...)

Anyhow, he admitted the issue when he was a little tipsy one night. He said he did send the texts but it was just so he could see the kids. I wanted to jump in and ask if it was necassary to attempt to sleep with her in order for h9im to see the kids but I backed off. Instead I left it at that.

I asked him about it two days later and he said he never admitted that to me and that I was taking what he said out of context. He has not had anymore to do with her- I know this one fore SURE! I just want to know the details of why and why it is he made me feel like I was the one screwing (can I say that?) up our marriage. I know it takes two to tango and I have not been perfect.

Anyhow, they did not sleep together. In the texts she never attempts to make a move, she directed everything towards our marriage and made several attempts to ask him what the problems were. she even sent a txt telling him he needed to go home, kiss his wife, and tell her she is a good woman.

She is the one who called me and told me about the conversations. when I angrily told her I trusted my H and knew he would NEVER try to cheat on me I hung up on her. She called back a few days later and left the password and username on my answering machine.

I know I cannot completely let this issue go. My H has completely changed since OW called. He is receptive to my needs, hugs me, kisses me, tells me "I love you." He is back to being the husband I knew and loved so tremendously. I just dont want to mess up the progress but I also cannot just let the issue go without saying a word negatively about it.

I have remained calm cool and collected for weeks now. What would be a good plan- if one is necassary!?!

Plan A & B are methods to deal with an ongoing affair.

Plan A is meeting his Emotional Needs and no Love Busters. You can discuss his actions and how you feel about them, staying away from Angry Outbursts and Disrespectful Judgements.

Plan B is not just a letter, it is a separation and no contact between you and your spouse, so no, you can't ask any questions at that point.

At this point you can ask him to send a No Contact letter, stating that he will not read her emails or answer her calls, nor will he further contact her.

We have already done the no contact. He sent her a message stating for her to leave him and his family alone. She accepted stating she did not want anything to do with us anyhow.

So basically if the A has ended my recourse is to ask questions about what provoked him into attempting the PA, and why he felt is necessary to keep the corespondence from me.

Are there any plans that can implimented as far as ensuring he does not have a PA or Ea in the future?

I have done everything over the past few months to change all the behaviors he had problems with. I think he realizes what he would have been missing out on, but I am still a little worried. One of the things he told her after she had asked if he had been faithful to me these years why would he be unfaithful now. He responded" I was just waiting for someone worthwhile, and you are worthwhile." She answered back "having a loving and trustful wife at home taking care of your son is not worthwhile?" he responded" I am not as happy with her as I was with you." she responded " well, you are just going through something right now. You need to tell your wife the things you are telling me." he responded " why are you so concerned with my relationship? I dont worry about yours." She responded " Because you two have a child and children together. You married her so you have to make it work-make it right."

So you see these converstations are why I am sure nothing happened, I am sure she would not have done anything with him. I just worry about him finding that someone worthwhile and her not having morals as far as married men go. I just do not know why he chose her to try it with. I wonder if maybe it is because he knew she would turn him down.

He has changed a whole lot over the past few weeks. AsI said he has become much more affection. The intamacy was never lacking through it all, but there was not affection during. I know it will take time before everything fully gets back to normal. In january he was smoothering my face in kisses before he left for work. In febuary he just up and left- moved in with his mom. This is when the girl said he first started talking to her. she did say he never said anything about being more than friends until a month or so ago- her records do confirm this.

Okay, any help would be appreciated and how I can go about asking my questions without coming off as being judgemental or [email]smart@$$[/email] would be appreciated. I dont want to mess up the good things that have been coming but I know I have to have closure before I can begin re-trusting him and rebuilding the marital foundation.