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#1908380 07/12/07 06:21 PM
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For any who are interested:

Divorce is nearly final. Our attorneys have been duking it out over the marital assets, spousal support, moving date, etc. STBXH wanted me to agree to waive the house buyout and agree to use that money to pay for our son's college. I told him (STBXH) I would not agree. Much guilt trip and unpleasantness on his part. Much broken record on my part ("I'll get back to you after talking to my lawyer.") I felt like a steer being marched up the ramp to where they slice its throat. He is very good at negotiating, getting his way. I can't win in an argument; so I refuse to be drawn into one with him.

I will be moving out mid August. Found a small but pretty upper floor rental in an older building, beautifully kept up, nice neighborhood. I'm scared to death of this change. But purposely chose a building with beautiful surroundings to keep spirits up.

Having yard sale this Sunday. Ruthlessly putting things out to sell. Even selling baking pans. New kitchen is very tiny; no storage room. selling candy making equipment. Maybe I'll lose weight!

2 friends have offered to help me set up the new place - put things away & organize. Another offered to help paint (not necessary).

Have I said I'm scared? Worried too. Shaking in my sneakers.
And sad.
*sigh*

Bellevue #1908381 07/12/07 06:48 PM
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Hi {{Bellevue}},

I can sympathize with how all this feels.Change is almost always scary.I was scared too way back when.BUT,there is also a new found freedom that feels wonderful!! It will be a testament to your inner strength and fortitude,things you may have forgotten you actually had.One door closes,another opens,right? Try to look at the positives if you can.Pamper yourself and try not to forget that you can have a brighter future with just "me,myself and I".You'll get there.

We're rooting for ya!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

AmericanBeauty #1908382 07/13/07 09:38 AM
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Hang in there! Fear is the best way for me to describe the most debilitating part of my separation. But strangly I also felt a beautiful peace. I still crawl into bed in my pretty flat, in a safe neighborhood with my little dog by my side wearing a very big smile.

Take Care


Me - far from a perfect person - but trying to improve all the time
AmericanBeauty #1908383 07/13/07 10:03 AM
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Thank you American Beauty for the encouragement. You are right. Must keep a positive attitude.

Bellevue #1908384 07/13/07 10:05 AM
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hopefulcis, thank you for responding. The fear is awful. I know time will help.

Bellevue #1908385 07/13/07 03:09 PM
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Hi Bellevue-

Can I suggest a book that helped me? It's titled "When He Leaves" and it's written by two women who have been through infidelity/divorce.

It's the kind of book where you can read a chapter at a time and just let things sink in. There are also some suggestions to help you in this part of your journey.

Hang in there


johnstwin-

"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther

Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!

johnstwin #1908386 07/14/07 12:11 AM
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Bellevue,

When this is all said and done, you will stand back and say, "Damn, I did it!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Have a margarita and celebrate the strong, independent woman you are! I hope you make MUCHO bucks from the yard sale...the crap was old anyway! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good luck---

UpandRunning

Me-43, raising 2 awesome girls solo
DD's 14 and 16
WexH-44 in mid-life FOG, basically n/c with kids
M 18 years
I filed 3/04, Divorced 11/05

I'm happy!


BS married 18 years in addition to 8 years dating since HS
'04 discovered his other life w/multiple A's
'05 divorced
2 wonderful girls, 19 and 17
Phil. 4:13

johnstwin #1908387 07/17/07 05:43 PM
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john'stwin, maybe after I'm settled I can pick that book up at the library. Right now all the books I'm not keeping are going into bags to be donated to a thrift store.

upandrunning #1908388 07/17/07 05:47 PM
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upand,
Ended up giving away and donating the stuff, just to get it out of the house. National Council of Jewish Women gives you an itemized receipt for your taxes. Very glad to clear out all that space.
Burned years of old checkbooks, etc. no longer needed.

At this stage, and maybe the rest of my life, not really good at focusing, concentrating, am just working on creating empty space. My mind is spinning.

Glad to read that you are happy. Sometimes the pain just isn't worth the benefit of being married.

Bellevue #1908389 07/17/07 08:49 PM
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Here are some of my experiences - I hope they may offer some comfort. We cleared out a 4000+ square foot house - filled with stuff we never used or even looked at. I'm in a cozy 800 square foot flat. Every horizontal surface is either clear or has something simple and pretty on it. I love my simple uncluttered life! I try not to buy anything I don't need - I have to since I don't have nearly the discretionary income I used to have.

I feel free, more thoughful and clear. I go to the library since I can't afford to buy books like I used to....it's great - I learn about activities in my neighborhood, pick up books I wouldn't have thought to read.

I recylce everything I can. I also "free cycle" we have that here in SF - giving stuff to people that would otherwise end up in the landfill.

But mostly I feel PEACE. I don't worry about what he is doing, thinking, wanting etc. We had dinner last Friday - he was oogling women as usual. I told him that it was rude (never did that when we were married), but I felt so good that I didn't have to go home with him and have him expect me to be desperately hot for him...

I'm rambling but just know you are going to be fine. You will find peace and happiness. You will detach and go about your business of living a full and happy life.

Take care..


Me - far from a perfect person - but trying to improve all the time
hopefulcis #1908390 07/18/07 01:27 PM
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hopefulcis, thank you for your thoughts. The life you describe is similar to what I am thinking of. I don't know the sq. footage of our house, or of the new apt. Library visits are a definite plus in my new neighborhood, which is more upscale than where we live now.
I just signed up for freecycle, and that is a good thing.
One friend who has stored her things in my garage just left, after pulling it out & reviewing it. She and I will be driving north in a rental truck Sat. a.m. to bring all her things to her home in No. CA.
The other friends will be coming next month, I don't know exact date, to get their stuff. Now I can actually reach the stuff of my own that was waaay in back of their stuff, and go through it, sift it, donate, whatever.
I look forward to never hearing from STBXH unless it directly has to do with our son and a college function. Never having to see his office phone number display on my home or cell phone.
So painful to realize that he was the center of my life once.

Bellevue #1908391 07/18/07 08:46 PM
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Hey Bellevue,

Its me, Jo.

Like you, I was so scared when my husband moved out. I never felt that kind of fear before. And here I am doing just great, as will you honey.

I love that you found a place that is esthetically pleasing to you. Its important you take care of you. You don't need any more unnecessary hardships or hurts. Be nurturing of yourself, its time.

I'm not a bit surprised you have such good friends wanting to help you with the move and setup. Over these many years you've always been here for me and soooooo many others. You're just a giving good natured person and people want to be around someone like you.

You're going to do just fine. Cuz if a wimp like me can do it, then you'll excel.

Love,
Jo

Resilient #1908392 07/19/07 07:14 PM
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(((((((((((Jo)))))))))))))))
I sure do remember all the heck you went through. And I'm glad you got through it okay. Isn't it amazing how important this place became to us at the worst time of our lives?

I'm shopping on eBay for bedskirts & other things I'll need. There are some real bargains. Don't want to spend lots of bucks but do want to make home welcoming and bright.

*************sigh*************** sure do sigh a lot these days.

It helps me to encourage the newbies and see their success.

Bellevue #1908393 07/20/07 08:01 AM
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Hi Belle,
(hi Jo)
I was so glad to see this update, I had read some of your posts and wondered how you were doing. You are at the hardest part right now, it will get better I promise. It was such termoil with the divorcing. You are still involved with trying to deal with him. I remember my counseler asking what I would do with all the time and effort I spent dealing with my X. Turns out I could become more creative and exercise and be happy in that time.

You sound like you are moving to a great space and area. Do depend on your friends for support and caring. Sometimes I went for a massage, just to have human touch contact.

Surround yourself with people who enjoy and respect you. We have found you to be a wonderful woman and friend. Celebrate not living with someone who did not appreciate all your wonderful qualitites.


Lora
Lora #1908394 07/20/07 09:43 AM
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(((((((((((Lora))))))))))))))

I well remember the post you wrote on the Boards that resonated with me. The one about how the cruelest thing the waywards do is make you doubt your own sanity. Your post had been inactive for months, but I kept going back and reading old posts, and revived it.

With all the bad that has come from internet use, I am so grateful for all the good that I found, here on the boards. Good advice, good people.

Bellevue #1908395 07/20/07 07:13 PM
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Belle,
Turns out neither one of us was crazy. Maybe our Xs are to think that its ok to treat one you used to love in such a manner.

I think you will thrive once you recover from the trauma of divorce. I already see you being stronger and more confident.


Lora
Lora #1908396 07/29/07 10:42 AM
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Hello Jo, Lora, American, hopeful, johnstwin, and upandrunning,

Back from the SF trip. Very successful, my friend's belongings unloaded and ready to be re-loaded into a moving van to go to her new home out of state. In my foggy mind, I can't do paperwork very well, but repetitious manual labor really makes me feel better. Friend (and employer now! She gave me a pt job in sales) needed things sorted, packed, moved upstairs and downstairs, things cleaned, etc. Because I have not contributed financially to her business and because I know that the pay I receive is actually charity, I acknowledged this to her. And because of that, I was grateful for a chance to repay her generosity by doing what she cannot. She has had 13 knee surgeries in about 10 years due to an auto accident and is in constant pain. I feel I made partial payment with my work in terms of showing gratitude.

Also, new place is filled with young grad students and working professionals. Manager warned me that they are noisy. I told her I like the noise. (It is true! Having the students here and having my son's friends here is always a joy for me.)

Another great thing: Managers are a couple who attend Chabad and have invited me to join them. I have a spiritual home, something I hoped to find where I moved.

I will keep in mind the good things waiting in my new life.

Thanks guys for all your support.


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