Is it possible to follow the MB system of Plan A/B with the objective of restoring your marriage, while at the same time working on personal recovery and "getting over it"? It seems the two objectives are slightly at odds. Maybe it's situation-dependent - in my case WH has left and moved in with OW. He has absolutely no interest in saving our M right now. I'm making the transition to Plan B, but I suspect it will be a long one and I don't have much confidence that it will be successful.

But I think it's harmful for me to sit at home obsessing over it. Even though the process of executing these plans is helpful in the sense that it give me some purpose, it's also somewhat unhealthy that I am focusing my energy into getting him back. I've been to IC and I'm hoping to join a support group soon and a lot of the advise I've received from friends and family are ways to help me get over it, forget the past and move on to the future (without WH). I'm conflicted. I don't want to let go, but I can't hang on either. I'm afraid taking any step towards personal healing is also a step away from my M. And this conflict just builds more resentment in me towards WH and OW.

Can you heal and MB at the same time? What if, as you heal, you get used to separation/divorce? What if, as you heal, you get sloppy on Plan B? What if, as you heal, your feeling for WS change or diminish or die? What if it doesn't work?

Plan A became my personal recovery Tabby.

I did get used to him not being around. That, combined with the very horrible things he said and did to me just helped me to see that I do NOT deserve to be treated so cruely. I was nothing but loving throughout my entire marriage... never did a thing to make him do this.

Anyone that is willing to lie, cheat and hurt me does not deserve me IMO. If it had been a friend doing this, I would have removed them from my life, so why does he get special treatment?

He has been cruel... since the day he walked out. I am so happy now. No one is hurting me. No one is making me feel worthless. No one is lying to me.

For the most part, Plan B was started the day he left. I have not really seen him, nor spoken to him in 4 months. As far as I am concerned, that is my recovery. I feel nothing for him now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It is possible to start healing, yet keep yourself at the point where you are open to reconciliation.

Plan A is often a learning and growing experience, especially if you are in it for months.

It is quite likely as you work on yourself that you will discover that you can live quite well without the WS, and that's ok.

Because if the WS makes the changes that end the A and make rebuilding the marriage possible, you know that you will be ok either way and can make a choice out of strength instead of out of the desperate pain of early discovery or the daily hurt of loving someone who is a WS. But once again choosing the path of marriage because it is the decision you want to make.

Thanks. My Plan A was not that effective. Aside from being rushed (he was gone 2 weeks after I found out about the A), I was in such a state of shock and dispair, it never really happened. My sorry attempts at it since he's been gone have been in vain since I barely see him and even then it's just to argue over a bill or something that is completely unattractive. I did the "stick" part pretty well (though it made no difference) but not the "carrot" part. Needless to say, we are not speaking now and Plan B has pretty much gone into effect whether I want it to or not.

So now I am left to face my life alone and though I have my little triumphs now and then, I still spend way too much time and energy crying over him and wishing for this whole thing to end. I need to get past that if only for my own sanity. Is it possible to find that sort of peace?

Tabby,

I am right there with you. This daily pain is just awful and crippling some days. My WH left the night he was found out and is living with the OW. I didn't do my best as a wife and I keep hoping that G-d's will is for him to come home.

My very very humble suggestions - get close to G-d. He loves you and will help you through this. You just have to seek him and ask him. All the cliches that people say really don't mean squat when you are hurting to bad and trust me when I say I understand.

Some day are better than others - today is a horrible day for me. I wake up early and fall back asleep twice and he is in my dreams.

The only thing I can get from this situation right now is we have to learn to take care of ourselves. But that doesn't mean we are giving up at all. I am so here for you and would love to help you through this. I don't have the wisdom that other people on this board do, but I have the raw pain and care that you are hurting so deeply.

SG
skinsgal@wwdb.org

Tab,

Plan is among other things about working on becoming the best mate, person, mother, etc you can become, recognizing shortcomings and working on them. Plan B is to remove you from the drama of an outwardly WS who continues to disrespect and carry on in an adulterous relationship. This is done so that any love you may have for your WS is not completeley destroyed while waiting and hoping for an end to his affair whereby he may come out of the fog long enough to recover the marriage. Plan B is also a continuation of the work you are doing on you from Plan A.

In some respects you simply move on and accept that the next step may be D. Prepare for it all the while becoming a better you and putting the rest into God's hands and WS's free will. Plan B is no longer about winning the WS back. Move on with your life as if you would if he isn't coming back....new friends, hobbies, go to school, take trips, do things you would never have gotten to do w/ WS.

The one thing you do have to lock up until you have decided to go the D route is the affection of someone from the oppostite sex. Other than that move ahead with the new Tab becoming the best she can be. If WS gets it in time and you are still interested and have saved some of the love for him in your heart then deal with that at the appropriate time.

God bless,

I think the laws in my country make the situation a little different than what most here experience. The D route will not be my decision to make. Once you are separated for a year, they will grant you a D automatically. It only costs $50 for the application and either partner can file without even notifying the other. I will likely receive a divorce certificate in the mail one day and that will be all there is to it.

The D doesn't address division of property - that is done in a separation agreement which we have already done. The main reason for doing that so quickly is that the laws here divide everything 50-50, regardless of whether one spouse was unfaithful or even if they were abusive, unless you can come to your own agreement otherwise. In some cases, the SA is done at the same time as the D if everything goes to court but in those situations, the lawyers get all the money. The only practical use for a true, official D is to be able to get remarried.

WH was willing to leave with little more than the shirt off his back. My knee-jerk reaction was to stall on this, but then I met with OWH and together we worked out a plan. OW had signed off on next to nothing, and with WH also getting next to nothing, they had very little to finance their "new life" with. As it happened, 3 days after the papers were signed (including ownership of the house), WH suddenly regretted it (his Master Card bill came in with all the furniture he bought for his new place) and began to threaten me with court. He can still take me to court for more, but he will have a harder time with the judge since he already signed this agreement and waived legal counselling. OW is pulling the same crap on OWH but they also have a solid SA.

Slightly off topic, but I do have to say that teaming up with OWH has made all the difference in this process. If there's any advise I could give to anyone else it is find your OP's BS ASAP. Not only will you be able to find out the truth, because he/she will have different bits of information than you, but you have a lot more power as a team. We now have different ways of influencing our WS through each other and each other's WS's that has had some very interesting effects. In addition to ensuring the A is not financed, we've sown seeds of doubt and mistrust in each of them and they are both starting to show outward signs of jealousy and insecurity with each other that are surely to be destructive to the A in the long run.