I am having some trouble resolving some sex and inimacy issues. During the last year that my H and I were together, we were having a wonderfully active and intimate sex life. It turns out, during the last of that year, he was "in love" with someone else.

So now we are divorced, I still love him, but he isn't coming back. I think I am having trouble with the fact that the most sexually intimate time in my life was a lie. The time that I felt the safest and most secure was the time when I was being manipulated and deceived.

This makes me question my judgement, my idea of intimacy, my whole sense of reality when it comes to relationships.
For that last year, I was completely in love with my husband, the companionship, the partnership, the sexual and the romantic. I haven't felt like that since my first love, and I don't put much stock into that giddy, teenage experience.

So now, I feel like I am pushing 40, and have no clue what love looks like or feels like. What I thought was love was a lie. Do I just make up my own picture of love and look for that? Do I assume that my ex did love me at some point before the affair? I am looking to recreate a feeling that apparently was not based on reality. How do I learn what reality is??

Some disorganized musings in response...

Feelings and facts don't actually have much to do with each other. That's not to say that feelings aren't real, or that they shouldn't be taken seriously; but it's not wise to confuse them with facts.

I like to distinguish between love itself and the feeling of being "in love." The feeling of being "in love" is wonderful, but more often than not it is based on fantasy. It can also be nurtured, both by the behavior of the one with whom you are "in love" and by your own attitudes and perceptions.

But love itself? Love is a matter of choice - a matter of priorities. Love is about motivations and actions. The feeling of being "in love" can be a powerful motivating factor as well as a powerful filter on perceptions, but real love remains consistent even when the feelings aren't at the surface. To look for love is to look for consistency in words and actions even in the face of adversity.

I think most of us who were abandoned or betrayed by our former spouses have questioned whether the love they professed was ever real. I think the answer lies in remembering how they behaved in the tough times, when demonstrating love didn't get them anything in return.

My ex-wife loved me. I am certain of that. Now she hates me, but that doesn't turn what once was into a lie. It just means she changed.

Patterns of behavior can stay the same even as motivations change - say, from a burning desire to make someone happy to a simple desire to keep the peace. But I think it's also worth remembering that a spouse in the midst of an affair can produce some very strange and highly contradictory feelings and justifications, often to a level that would realistically qualify as psychotic. So sometimes they are manipulating and deceiving themselves as much as the spouses they are betraying, and at times their feelings and motivations may be as close to genuine as they are capable of managing under the circumstances.

I think it's also important to distinguish between feeling "in love" and feeling loved. You can be "in love" with someone without any reciprocation on their part, just as you can love someone without any reciprocation. It's more about you than about them, in my opinion. The feeling of being loved, though, is more a matter of trust than anything else. And although whether you give or withhold that trust doesn't always have much to do with whether it is deserved, the discovery that that trust has been betrayed has a profound effect.

Trust, like love, is a choice. But unlike love, which may be given freely, trust is something which really ought to be earned.

Thank you so much for your thoughts, GDP.

Your thoughts on facts vs feelings is exactly what I have been working on. I guess you would call it cognitive behavioral therapy, looking at what I perceive to be the truth, then breaking it down into facts and feelings.

I guess I am just not finished with the autopsy of my marriage. I am putting all my energy into dissecting and trying to find resolution. "People change" is just not a satisfactory answer to me. I need to learn to be satisfied with that.

Maybe that is another one of my problems, if I learn to accept "people change" as the explanation for the worst heartbreak I have ever experienced, how would I ever trust someone again?

Again, thank you so much for your thought provoking reply.

Jean, "people change" is an observation, not an explanation. How people change is a matter of choice. Choice has a lot to do with values and character.

I've always felt that it's a bit of a cop-out when I hear people say things like "It just didn't work out" or "My marriage failed." No, people made decisions and acted upon them.

Agreed!

Thanks guys for the responses. I guess my problem is this, the period of time that I felt most in love with my husband, is when he was having an affair with someone else.

That makes me wonder if my feeling in love has anything to do with my partners actions, or is it just something I choose to do. Heck, my WHex han't said a kind word to me in two years and I still feel alot of love for him.

So, if I can just decide to love someone, regardless of their treatment of me, how do I decide to unlove someone? I need to figure out the payoff for staying in love with WHex. I think it is a self efense mechanism to keep me from getting involved with anyone else and risking my heart again.

"people change" is an observation, not an explanation. How people change is a matter of choice. Choice has a lot to do with values and character.

I totally agree!

I can understand why the adulterers deep in fog mouth such lame excuses ('people change') but what worries me is why so many people in general believe that too. I honestly don't understand why anyone who believed that would EVER marry anyone!!! I mean what exactly is marriage to them then? In their minds is it just a more adult(?) form of 'going steady'? So why don't they have a different kind of marriage ceremony stating that as soon as they 'change' they will be dumping the person they're marrying and starting a new life with an OP?

I've noticed that a lot of people I know can't even answer whether or not they believe adultery is wrong! They need to know the circumstances before deciding. If somebody betrays them or somebody they care about then it's wrong... BUT if they themselves 'fall in love' with somebody new or if their friend or relative is the adulterer, then it's OK.

I'll tell you one thing: I will never ever again get involved with a man who believes that way. Of course I didn't know my WX was like that until too late. Because he sure did put on a convincing show of loving me... I truly 'felt' loved, flattered, cherished... Never did it occur to me that maybe the reason he was so good at romancing me was because he had a LOT of practice AND that he had no intention of making me his last romantic pursuit.

I don't think adulterers should even be allowed to get legally married again. What's the point anyway? People apply for and are granted marriage licenses, right? Why should known adulterers be granted another marriage license? Since they've proven it doesn't mean anything to them what would be so wrong with them being denied another marriage license? Why can't they just 'go steady' or whatever?

“I've noticed that a lot of people I know can't even answer whether or not they believe adultery is wrong! They need to know the circumstances before deciding. If somebody betrays them or somebody they care about then it's wrong... BUT if they themselves 'fall in love' with somebody new or if their friend or relative is the adulterer, then it's OK.”

I have a perfect example for this situation. My XMIL was the WS, she had an A for 9 years before XFIL found out. XFIL was an angry and bitter person for years. He even threaten to kill. But, when his own son, my XWH was having the A, all was well. I was the evil one because I was going after XWH for alimony and CS. Thank God XBIL stepped up on my behalf and told XFIL he was being a hypocrite.

Both are factors. I believe you can "just" choose to love someone, and often by choosing your attitudes and behaviors you can choose to be "in love" with someone (although it may take some time). But your partner's actions can certainly make it easier to make these kinds of choices.

Again I would like to emphasize the difference between "being in love" and love itself.

I think the cost of choosing to "unlove" someone is higher than the decision to continue to love them. Some people "get over" their ex by cultivating hatred, but hatred is self-destructive.

On the other hand, being "in love" with someone who will never reciprocate those feelings is just painful. Unfortunately, my own personal experience is that I have found only two ways to ameliorate the feelings.

The less effective of these methods is to avoid the person with whom I am "in love" and let the feelings fade. I have found that the feelings do fade, but for me even years of avoidance do not come anywhere close to eliminating the pain.

The more effective means of reducing feelings of being "in love" with someone is to "fall in love" with someone else. This of course can be quite dangerous, and may simply result in exchanging one pain for another. The surprise to me was how quickly this process of "transferring affection" can occur, and so I have learned not to be too concerned that if I still have feelings for one person I will be unable to develop a relationship with someone else. If I can truly believe that a relationship would be a good thing, I can commit to it with both my head and my heart.

Of course, this just underlines how important is choice, and how malleable and unreliable are feelings.

The bottom line here is that while for you there may be some sort of "payoff for staying in love with WHex" or you may be using it as a "self-defense mechanism," this has not been my own experience (unless of course my self-analysis is missing something). I have had to learn to accept that ongoing pain is simply part of the price I pay for opening my heart. That does not (and will not) stop me from opening my heart, but I do so with a conscious awareness of the risk, and in accepting the potential consequences I can move forward without letting fear paralyze me.

Jean 36,
I would like to ask- what would have made you turn around and see your family or at least go to counseling during your A or what did you try during his A that worked or didn't work? I think there is a huge misunderstanding in our relationship and he is getting more involved with the OW and I am not familiar with all of this (I know 2 divorced people and not one from a divorced family). I have a toddler and would like my husband to at least try counseling and if not then ok. He is so angry with me- he has rewritten history. How does he not see what he is doing? Our friends said it sounds like he has lost it. I don't want anymore time to pass w/inaction- any tips? Thank you. It has been a couple of months and we have been married over 10 years and very close (or at least I thought).

well a basic MB concept is that people depositing love units in your account leads to love. was your husband meeting your ENs during his affair? maybe sf is high on your list?

Yes, A2B2A, apparently, he was meeting all my needs even during his affair. I have come to believe that I don't have many emotional needs. Actually, I don't think that I looked to WHex to meet many needs, history had shown that he just wasn't willing. I think my happiness in that last year had more to do with my self identity than anything WHex did. I was happy to no longer be a wayward wife and had recommitted to my family. I bent over backwards to meet any of WHex's needs that I could and gave little thought to what I needed.

Even now, I know that is what I want from reconciliation. I still don't need anything from him and he still doesn't have anything for me-a perfect match!

Sahmom, check your thread on general questions.