I used to post here long long ago. Quick history. DH had sex off and on with an exGF when we were having problems. No emotional attachment, but we weren't having sex, so he was. Things ended, 3 years later about we find out she had a baby. Had heard rumors before that, but didn't follow up, etc. She filed for CS, went to court, got CS ordered and huge back support for the previous 3 years. No contact ever. OW wanted DH to just see the child, didn't want me involved, etc. He really didn't want to see the OC at all. Felt no emotional attachment toward her etc.

Now the OC will be 10 in October. We have 2 daughters, 5 and 17 months. OW called DH this week and asked if he has changed him mind about seeing OC. That OC asks about her dad and she doesn't know what to tell her, etc.

DH doesn't really want to see OC. He still says he has no feelings toward her, etc. I have always said I would support either way, but that I would be involved in her life as well. She would be part of our family, etc. OW wants him to see her alone, etc. Well, maybe she has changed her tune now, not sure. Hopefully her wants are for her daughter, not that she wants him in HER life.

I frequently think about the OC. DH is an amazing dad and I feel sad that she doesn't know him. I worry that she will show up one day and what that will do to my DDs perception of their dad. He definitely has made many mistakes, but with them, he is amazing and they adore him. I even still love the guy after all he has put me through. He is flawed, but I love him.

So, we discussed the possibilities. I worry that she will have negative ideas about me from OW. I worry that if she does bring negative attitude, etc, into our home how it will effect MY children. I also told DH that it isn't something we just go see her once and then stop. That then she will be worse off IMO than never meeting him, she will think, was I not pretty enough or good enough for him, etc.

OW asked him if she could call him again to see if he wanted to see her and he told her no, that he would call her if he decides to see her.

It kind of irritates me though that she kept telling him, what do I tell her? Simple. You say, "OC, your mom and dad made some poor decisions and that is why you do not see your dad. Maybe someday you will know your dad, but until then, be thankful for what we do have. You have a mom that loves you and uncles, aunts, grandma, etc that love you. I am sorry we made those mistakes and that they effect you, but that is our life and we have to make the best of it." Perhaps I am the optimist, but that is what I would tell my DD. And that is what I will tell her someday when she asks why she didn't know, etc. We are all human, we make mistakes and sadly our children sometimes have to live with our decisions and they aren't always right or the best.

I will ignore any flames for NC, etc. I am looking for pros/cons of starting contact so many years after N/C and how that effects both sides, OC, my DDs and our marriage.

Thanks.

Hey Happy, Other than the update, how have you been?

Now for a little advice. I think that you need to let DH decide, but keep you a part of that decision. I know you have gone through A LOT, but just remember that DH has worked to make up for his mistakes. As for the xOW and her "What do I tell her?" Well, if DH mentions it, maybe suggest to him that he tell her exactly what you wrote in your post. I think you need to continue to keep you and your girls first. Keep us posted, and hopefully Jenny will be along soon.

It's great to hear from you, and I'll keep you and yours in my prayers.

Love,

Oh shoot guys... I don't have the best perspective on this right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My H left. My life has reached new, dizzying hights of Jerry-Springer-ness. While kids and I were visiting relatives out of state, he pretended everything was fine by phone, then last week, withdrew half our savings and left. He is in email contact only and I have no idea where he is. He wants a divorce and admitted to adultery (again) but I talked to Xow/OCmama and it is not her; she was as shocked/surprised as I am. Xow and I have discussed keeping the kids in contact.

Sooooo, um, let me get back to you on this one. You might try discussing it with a marital counselor if you can find one with any experience in O-children.

Sorry,
J

{{{{Jenny}}}}},

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry. It is the biggest fear of all of us.
Are you in contact with an attorney yet to protect you and your children?
Let us know how you are doing.

FTS

Happy,

No flames about NC, that is your choice. I am NC, its what I need, we need.

We always know the OC may eventually want to know their other parent. You and your husband need to decide together. Unfortunately, I don't believe the OW has the option of dividing the two of you. If she believes that her OC should be able to have contact with her father, then she should also understand that the truth is also required.You and your children are a part of her dad's life. Her dad and her mom made huge mistakes that everyone had to suffer from. If the OC is in a good place with family and support then OW should do as you suggested if the OW thinks that contact should only be between OC and FWH. If she is truly interested in allowing OC to find her father and develop a relationship with him, then that includes every member of his family, especially you.
Simply, FWH presents all or none option to OW, if he wants contact. Your right it won't be a one time thing, it will encompass all of your family forever.

Best wishes,

FTS