A good hardcore intermeadary is critical in my opinion to a effective plan B.

I was lucky, I has an AWSOME IM, he was strong when I couldn't be. there is stuff my ww (now Ex-W) said/wrote i have never heard and will never hear. I am probaly to be gratefull for that.

Also undersatnbd SAH, (this is my opinion) Plan b is all about protecting YOU from the WS allowing you to heal and prevrent further damage. It also happens to be your best chance to save your marrage. But it is really about saving U from Him.

ok, I know a good freind who was wishy washy, didn't want to hear us didn't listen, didn't exacute a good plan B/

She has been so damaged by the WH she has now quit there M too. There is little chance for them now.

She had a text book and very saveable M. .

Ok The M may not survive mine didn't, what is Key is I survived. thewre are 2 kinds of recovery a WE recovery and an I recovery...

You need to be able to do either one.

jim

I am having a horrible day. The WS was not effected by the exposure and is pushing my buttons. What is the balance between trying to save the marriage and protecting yourself legally? How to do both? My WS sees nothing wrong in his actions and he is no longer giving us $. Help?

SAHM,


It will take while for this to really have an affect.


If he is failing to support his family and as you are a SAHM, he is in for a rude awakening. Get thyself to an attorney and insure he is providing for you and his child.

There are laws against what he is doing. This is about survival first and recovering your marriage second.

Right now, he sounds more like a loser than any kind of jusband or father.

Who

Sahmom-

WHO did you expose to??? Did you tell your Wayward husband that you were exposing?!?!?!?!?! That's what it sounds like, and if that's the case, you just undermined the whole thing.

I know how much pain you're in.....but you ARE NOT LISTENING to the advice you're being given here, and if you don't listen, we can't help.

I've heard you mentioned counseling on several occasions.......COUNSELING IS FUTILE at this stage. It will not help, and will be a monumental waste of money while he is still having the affair.

You are not ready for plan B......PLAN A is what you need to focus on. You have to do a FANTASTIC plan A before you even consider Plan B and stop speaking to him/seeing him.

You have to learn to accept that YOU are the only person you can control. You cannot control your husband, you cannot control his actions, you cannot control who supports him in his actions.

You need to stop letting yourself be controlled by fear and pain, you have to gain control of yourself, and start doing something about this.

You need to be PROACTIVE not REACTIVE in this situation and start listening to what we are telling you, because if you don't.......you don't have a prayer of saving your marriage.

I really need to know who exactly you exposed to, and also if you warned him you were going to do it.

Did you ever end up speaking to his parents?? I mean of course blood is thicker than water, so you need to approach them from the standpoint that he's hurting your child and unborn child.

Whatever your WH is telling them has his own spin on it, you need to let them know the truth.

So the other woman is married?!?!?! Even if she is separated telling her husband that the affair is damaging YOUR family may induce him to put pressure on the affair.

Does she have children??? If that's the case use them with her husband also, tell him "I just wanted to inform you what's going on" and that he should be cautious letting his child spend time with his mother since she is involved in an immoral relationship with your husband. Just plant the seed.....because "separated" is not divorced.....he could still be someone who could apply some necessary pressure to the affair.

Think of the affair as a bubble. Inside the bubble the people involved in the affair are protected from reality....it's all fantasy in the bubble. By exposing and doing the things we are telling you it begins to put the pressure of reality on the bubble.....and the weight of reality will begin to crack the bubble and and let the real world begin to seep in.

Right now everything's peachy....all they have to worry about is how good they make each other feel....the gravity of the situation hasn't hit them. That's where you come in.

Don't worry about him being "mad at you" or thinking badly of you. You have to remember, this is NOT our husband. His brain has been abducted by aliens. So stop trying to relate to him as if he's the same person you were married to....He has buried that person in affair land.

God Bless,

Caren

Terrible night. I exposed to a few close friends and my WS did not know about the exposure. I called Dr. Harley and he said it would take about 2 years for the A to die naturally. What if you can't handle waiting 2 years? I need my WS back because the WS has left me in a really bad spot due to his choices. I am getting help but still extremely sad.

SAHMOM, have you exposed to key people such as his parents, the OW's parents, etc? Is your H still paying the bills?

SAHM, his parents do not know the truth. They only know the lies their son have told them. That is all anyone knows. That means that you need to call them up and tell them that their son has left in pursuit of his adulterous affair. Ask them to help you save your marriage for the sake of their grandchildren. Call his brothers, sisters, and grandparents and tell them the same thing.

Then call up the OW's family and let them know that their D is having an affair with your husband and he has ABANDONED you and the kids for his affair. Call her HUSBAND and give him ammo for his divorce action.

Have you contacted an attorney to make sure he pays your bills?

Hon, you need to get to work here!

NOOOO, you should be in Plan A, SAHM!! Be pleasant and inviting and do not lecture him about his affair. You can talk about it, though. For example, let him know how much his affair hurts you.

Are you reading the material here and bringing yourself up to speed on Plan A?

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

--------------------

the WS's parents are upset with me and the OW's husband and family knows about the A. The WS is not paying the bills and the attorney says he should be. I thought I was doing plan B- although I didn't know it at the time I was doing a plan A before he left the house. Is it true that people who commit adultery are abandoning their loved ones? My WS is so justified in what he is doing it is defeating me. He has become a hateful person by his actions and I can't accept who he has become and am internalizing everything. My WS left me at an extremely rough time and he doesn't seem to care. Terrible night and very sad.

Have you PERSONALLY spoken to the OWH and her parents? What EXACTLY have they been told?

Why are his parents upset with you?


Then what is the attorney doing about that? He should be filing an action against your H to court order him to pay your bills. A H cannot just abandon his family to go chase sluts.


You need to educate yourself NOW about the plans. Are you reading the articles about Plan A and Plan B? Do you even know what Plan B is?


Did your husband leave you? If so, he has abandoned you.


No, he is not justified AT ALL. There is no justification for adultery and abandonment of your family. You are CHOOSING DEFEAT.


He is doing what ALL waywards do. They are hateful and selfish. But you don't have to lie down and take it. You need to get up and start protecting yourself. Stop reacting emotionally and get to work, SAHM.

The OWH knows the truth and is trying to legally pursue my H. My inlaws are upset because their son was unhappy for so long with me (news to me). They blame me for his miserable feelings. I will check back with the attorney. I called into the program and Dr. Harley told me not to communicate with the WS. I am attempting a Plan B by having no contact unless absolutely necessary with the WS. I am devestated if you couldn't tell and feel like I am offically beaten down. The WS left me at a horrible time and I don't have much in me. I hate to dissappoint but that is the truth yet I know I want to do everything to make this work. I just am too defeated- the WS really, really hurt me and have put all my values including those in God to the test. I have wondered at times what is the point to being a good, decent person? Terrible night talking...

I will ask again. Have you spoken to him yourself? Have you spoken to her parents YOURSELF?


They blame you because your H has SPUN THE STORY with you starring as the demon. This is why I suggested that YOU talk to them YOURSELF and tell them their son has dumped you for his affair. Let them know he is not supporting his family and ASK FOR THEIR ADVICE in saving this marriage for their grandchildren.

Do they know that the OW is MARRIED? And that she has abandoned her own marriage for the affair?


Isn't that because you TOLD Dr Harley you were in Plan B? Do you even know what Plan B is, SAHM? HAVE YOU SENT HIM A PLAN B LETTER?

Hon, I know you feel bad and I know this is devastating, but it is not hopeless if you sit up and do some work here.

Thks for being here. There is a lot of legal stuff going on with the OW and I don't have any personal desire to talk to anyone from that side. My inlaws have said their son is happy and the marriage is over. They know about the affair and don't seem to care. I did not send a plan B letter because he blames me for everything so I went to NC with him unless absolutely necessary. I don't think he cares about me. I will read about Plan B again I must have misunderstood it. My WS really got me with all of this. I was under the impression we were working together in our marriage and my WS lied to me. Hard to bear right now.
I will reread plan B. Thks for the advice and for listening.

sahm

You must be the one that speaks personally with the OW's H. You must be the one that goes and speaks to your H's parents.

You cannot work with information you "believe" to be true. You are working from assumptions.

Melody is giving you excellent advice and being very kind to you, in light of the fact you are in such emotional turmoil you are not DOING anything.

Hon, you are the ONLY person who can be the catalyst in bringing the affair to an end (through scorched earth exposure) and YOU are the one who must make sure all others know the truth.

Waywards will put a positive spin on everything they do. YOu need to be in charge of getting the truth out there.

YOu have been posting for a while, and getting lots of advice here, but not taking any actions. I don't want to come across as mean, but, girl, you have to stop wringing your hands and as the Nike people say, just "DO IT".

There is no magic wand or easy button. All this is hard, sometimes gut wrenching work that only you can do.

For your own sake, calm down, re-read all the advice you've been given, read "Surviving an Affair", and get busy saving your marriage. Otherwise, the affair will go and go, until it dies a natural death. See an attorney and MAKE you H care for you financially. Give him a dose of reality.

You can do this...

Sahmom:


A few comments:



No.....You DO NOT want your *WS* back......you want your HUSBAND back.

I believe Dr. Harley is referring to if the affair was just left to run it's course it would take about 2 years.....we are not trying to let it "Die naturally" we are trying to put a GIGANTIC crimp in it.



WS's for the most part DON'T care.....they're totally involved in their fantasy worlds and are justifying to themselves why it's all okay and normal.

And as I believe Melody said "EXPOSE TO EVERYONE ...BOSSES (even if you think they know)......his parents.....mad at you or not.....Not just a few close friends - people whose disapproval would have impact on the affairees.

Does her husband know that your WS is abandoning a PREGNANT wife?????

Do the OW's parents know that she is having an affair with a PREGNANT woman's husband and destroying her family????

Probably not.

AND YOU NEED TO BE IN A SUPER STRONG PLAN ******A********, be sweet as pie to him.....even when he's a... ummmm .... well......a**hole, it actually confuses them.

Do things like this:

Make him his favorite dessert and drop it off at work

Send (Or drop off)him a framed picture of the baby's ultrasound.

If you know he's going to stop over......make his favorite meal.....he'll smell it when he comes in...and perhaps you can entice him to have dinner with you.

Tell him very complimentary things like "I was always so proud to call you my husband"

Compliment him on the things he was good at when you were together.......

For example:

You were always such a good provider!

Remind him of times you had fun together....possible send him pics of vacations or fun times you had together.

MAKE SURE you look drop dead gorgeous WHENEVER you see him.

Make sure that you home is a warm and inviting place to be

In short......show him what he's missing.

Look through His Needs/Her Needs and make an educated guess on what emotional needs that you may not have been fulfilling and concentrate on the 2 most important ones.

Your aim here is to be filling his needs.....some of them....that way....you're filling some....OW is filling some....so after you done an ASTRONOMICAL plan A.....and go into Plan B......he will go into withdrawl from YOU!!!! He'll want the needs you've been meeting to be fulfilled again, and you won't be doing it....and withdrawl from you will make him a less than pleasant person for the OW to be around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(By the way....Plan A should last for a signifigant amount of time) And in Plan A....NO RELATIONSHIP TALK!!!!! NO BEGGING HIM TO COME BACK!!! And in Plan B...you have to CUT HIM OFF COMPLETELY....no correspondence, no phone calls, no seeing you.......you have to go completely dark.
(And only after a PLAN B letter (outlined in "Surviving an affair)

Trust us dear......Marriage Builders WORKS!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


God Bless,

Caren

SAHM:

[color:"red"] NO PLAN B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [/color]

You can't do Plan B without Plan A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God Bless,

Caren

Thks for the responses- been out of touch. Update- the WS has filed and not sure what to do. My lawyer is suggesting to secure finances but I do not want a D. Terrified and trying to figure out what to do. I have read Surviving an Affair and am planning to reread it. The WS is out of the house and is no longer financially supporting us. What else can I do?

1. Secure your finances IMMEDIATELY!! File for legal separation or D in order to secure your finances! Ultra important

2. Secure custody of your children and residence.

3. Worry about saving the M later. Right now you are dealing with an insane WS who is bent on destroying your family. Will you let him?

L.

You can and frankly must listen to your lawyer. You may not be able to stop your WH from divorcing you, whether you want it or not, but you can insure that you are financially taken care of.

The fact is that you can live without your WH if you need to and you will recover from this.

You can't, however, live with no income.

Who