SAHM,

You call, I answer. Here is the deal. You need to learn how to be strong in the face of evil and stand up for yourself. Have no doubt, this affair is evil, and standing up for you family is a hero's task. Your WH does not care what he does to you, so it is time that you take the gloves off and start fighting back.

You need to get your exposure done right. Start with his parents. You need to sit down with them and have a detailed conversation about your side of the story. Tell them that you and WH were talking about trying again for another child while he was starting up his affair, and that all these grievances about your marriage are revisionist history used to justify his actions. Tell them how he is refusing to support you and his children, and that you would like their support to get WH to end his affair, and that you will go to counseling to work on the marriage and making him happy once the affair has ended. If they don't want to hear it, so what? You aren't married to them. You just get to ignore them once you and WH are back together and they've realized the error of their ways. Write everything you want to tell them in letter form so if they refuse to talk to you, you have something to hand them.

Then expose to everyone else your WH is close to. Explain to them the same things, how this has been going on for a long time, and WH never complained until he got caught, and you are trying to save your marriage. Expose to EVERYONE! Who cares what they think of you? That isn't your concern. Most people will probably understand even though it doesn matter. You are doing this for you, your children, and WH. Also talk to OWH. He is your ally, and you can plot ways to break WH and OW up. Make sure OW's family and friends know about this A as well. Have him do some exposing himself. Send him here.

Then get with a lawyer and file for a legal separation. Hit him for EVERYTHING. Full custody, spousal support, and child support, the house, pay for your attorney, everything. And get it all taken out of his paycheck. We'll see how much fun his affair is once he is BROKE. This is called exposing them to the consequences of their actions. If there is no consequence for bad behavior, then there is no reason to change. You see, your WH has been living in a fantasy that everything will be okay if he leaves your for OW, and he can just do as he pleases. Well, he was WRONG! He'll blame you for it, but it's not your fault. Don't apologize for it. Let him know that this isn't what you want and you are open to reconciliation, but only after NC with OW.

Finally, I would plan A and pull a little bit of a 180 right now. Pamper yourself. Go out with friends. Spend quality time with your kids. Do it for about a month or two after exposure again. After that, write him a plan B letter, and go DARK. Have someone else help with child exchanges. Let him wonder what's going on with you, and you get some reprieve from the drama of the situation. Let your lawyer do the dirty work and don't bother yourself with the details. Just let your lawyer know you want to go for everything, but drag out the D.

I guarantee that this will hurt his affair. It might not save your marriage, but it won't hurt it. It also will teach your WH to respect you and teach you how to stand up for yourself.

Orchid, Whome, jmwc95,
Thanks for all the advice. When you talk to the inlaws do you tell them about your M or just about the details of the A? The exposure didn't work as he is telling everyone he is dating someone and he is the victim. The strong part I don't have down quite yet. Legally having a problem- I know he is responsible for this mess but I hate all of our stuff being thrown out there in court records. Why is he pushing? I haven't even said antyhing as he leaves us with limited $ means? The WS is coming to pick up our child and I remain cordial. I just want to ask him how he could do this to us for someone he has known for only a few months? Who put his career in jeopardy and whose h has filed a lawsuit against my h. I feel like I am in the twilight zone. Everyone tells me to quit my M b/c he is being such a jerk but I don't know what the alternative is to believe someone could be so cruel.

Sahmom,

Reality is that he is a jerk and you ought to forget about any protocol regarding how you treat him. Figure out that part of the exposure process is letting not only the court but the utility company, his boss, neighbors, mailman, everyone who needs to know to know about his cruel acts in addition to the A.

He can't be the victim and the cause at the same time. So if he is babbling to others....don't assume they are all dumb enough to fall for it.

As for in-laws, tell them as much as you think they can handle. Let them know they can tell you when to stop telling them and you appreciate their support but understand if they feel they need to support the WS instead. However, also let them know that if they choose to support you and your H instead of the WS, that w/b greatly appreciated and may be instrumental in breaking him out of his 'jerk' mode. They may get a kick out of that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Don't hold back.... this is war!

L.

As for the inlaws, just tell them your entire story including the fact that he isn't supporting you, and let them decide. If they are too stupid or just unwilling to help you out, then you can cut them out of your lives and get the last laugh when your WS comes back. Your goal right now is to make your WS and OW's life he11 if they choose to continue their affair by subjecting them to as many consequences as possible. This includes nuclear exposure to anyone either of them knows, legal means to get a BIG chunk of money coming directly out of your WS's paycheck for spousal and child support, and anything else you can think of. Don't take this laying down.

Sahm-

You said "Exposure didn't work" because he's already telling everyone he has a GF.

THEY ARE GETTING HIS TWISTED FOGGY side of the story.....you need to tell them THE REAL STORY!!!!!!!!!!

Don't worry about what they'll think of you....you're simply giving them the truthful information. That he has abandoned you, your child, and your unborn child, that he is not supporting you monetarily.

ANYTHING TO CRACK THE AFFAIR FANTASY BUBBLE!!!!

And I still think Plan A is in order....as I said before, it confuses them. They are acting like complete idiots and you are being sweet as pie.

Then after a great plan a...........Plan B him.....I guarantee that will put an enormous strain on the affair!!!!

God Bless,

Caren

God Bless,

Caren

Thks to all of you. Having a sad day. We worked so hard to get where we are and the WS is throwing it all away. I don't know why God is letting this happen. I stress out that anything I do or say is going to get twisted and the WS is just allowed to lie. Our mutual friends don't believe me that he is having an A. I could sue the OW but that costs $. I feel like there is no justice. The WS brings our child back this weekend and his story has been that he hasn't been able to see him b/c of me (lie). How can you be a good person through all of this and think about the values of the world? I am getting creamed even when I don't try. I am saying my feelings of sadness and he will now probably be able to use them. How fair is that?

I am sorry you are in this mess. TAsk the WS if he is buying his own babble (blaming you). Let him know you and others can see he is babbling. Yep....tell him just like that. He will ask who the 'others' are..... just nod and don't tell.

Expect him to spew.... so say it and step away. He needs to spew when the wind is blowing so it will..... well... you know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Thks Orchid. I miss my H and I don't know how he could be so evil. I wonder if my H ever existed. I know people are trying to be helpful but is that all that is left to be sad. It makes me so hurt that he doesn't have the opportunity to think about what he has done b/c the OW is in the picture. The WS is telling everyone how I am better off w/out him and I was the one who left the marriage. The fog talk really gets me. I reread your reverse babble all the time. I wish I was better at it. Thanks for being here.

Sahmom,

Practice the RB.... I did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

As for him accusing you of leaving the M....

RB back: WS, you had to when he decided to have an A. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

He has many opportunities.... don't let him convince you or anyone else otherwise.

Btw, you are better off without a WS..... you want your H back... so for once go agree with him.... it'll make his WS head spin! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Sahm-

I just noticed that your thread heading says 'final attempts'......you're far from the 'final attempts'.

You have to fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Find out every piece of of evidence about the affair you can, no matter how insignificant it may seem.

Find out OWH's info so that you can contact you, I guarandamntee you that he doesn't know as much as you think!!!

Tell EVERYONE even if you know he's already told them. As several posters before have stated, he will put his own spin on everything so he doesn't look like a low-life for leaving his pregnant wife!!!!!!

You are just trying to get the true information out there....not look for allies. These people will form their own opinions, and they'll generally think less of your husband.

Did you expose to his work????? Did you expose to her work??? Do they work at the same place???? That would put a SERIOUS dent in the affair bubble.

I wrote a letter to the OW's employer. I waited about a week and then I called the personnel director (whom I had sent the letter to) and she stated "This is a personal matter, and we choose not to get involved" .....that's okay, because they informed her I did it, and it because part of her "permanant record" and they then knew what a heinous slut they had working for them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I moved out of our marital home after the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech (I hadn't found marriage builders at the time). But I snuck into my WH's house (our old house) and put a voice activated tape recorder on his phone line (He kept telling me I was crazy...nothing was going on.)

I proceeded to then find out EVERYTHING about the OW....EVERYTHING. I knew more about that girl than her mother did.

I had her scared to death....wondering if this whole affair was even worth it....what with her boyfriend's wife being completely out of her mind and causing her ALL kinds of trouble!!!

I was continuing to have SF with my WH even while the affair was in full swing, which a lot on here disagree with, for various reasons. But it was part of my way of showing him how good "home" was. (This was, of course, after exposure....and he was HOPPING mad about that...but he got over it quickly).

And after I'd provided some of the emotional needs that were going unfilled, for a good long while, that's when I ripped the carpet out from under him, and he went into withdrawl from ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I always gave in too soon, in my Plan B's.....I'm not good at the advice portion of Plan B, because I'm bad at it)

But I DO know plan A!!!!!!

Don't give up. I know that every decision you make right now seems like 'life or death', it's not, it only seems that way. Just calm down, and listen to our advice.....MB REALLY DOES WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God Bless,

Caren

Haven't written in a while. Very upset- the WS has filed. I am encouraged to take action but I don't want to be D. I don't have the option of going totally dark but I am remaining cordial. I feel that this is becoming hopeless. I don't know what is left. I have exposed to everyone that has come to mind and still not a thing changes.

SAHM,

Well if your WH has filed, at the very least, you need to insure that you allow your legal rep. to do what needs to be done to protect you and your child financially.

The only thing worse than being divorced, is divorced and homeless.

Who

I have not posted in a while because things are in the pits. I have been asked to protect myself legally and I can't seem to have the ability to do it. I want to have my life back. I could use a major swift kick in the *** or I will be creamed in court when it is all the WS fault. Thanks.

sahmom,

Consider this a swift kick......now act. If you can't do so on your own behalf, do it for your child. You need to do something fast, or OW might just end up raising your child as a step mom.

Who

Thanks Whome. I don't know how he can be so hateful. It is awful. I definitely don't want the OW raising my child. I am waiting to hear from Lawyer- nothing has moved in a while. Thanks for the response and your advice.

SAHM, how are you doing? I wrote this the other day but have edited it after reading more of your thread:

Sahmom, when no one is around, I want you to do something for me. Walk into your bedroom. Grab a pillow off the bed. Now start beating the heck out of that pillow. Hang on to it tight and slam it down on your bed as hard as you can. Let the feathers (or foam) fly. Let out all of your sadness (which can really be anger turned inward). Yell. Holler. Cry. Let it all out. Oh, and when you're letting it all out. Cry out to God. Tell Him how you feel. He can handle it. But don't forget to thank Him for what you have. The air you breathe, your beautiful child, etc.

Now. Put the pillow down. Go wash your face. Catch your breath. Get out your Yellow Pages. Walk over to the phone and start calling attorneys until you find one that will fight for you. Today.

Start fighting for you and your child. You deserve better. Your child deserves better. Quit being a quitter. Stop the pity party. Show your child that he/she's worth it. Forget WH and OW for now. Focus and you and your child. Do a 180. Get on track.

Then come back and start working further on your plans.

(((SAHM)))