Hi all, well it's been 8 months of ****** since D-Day.After being with my W for 23 years Jan 07 I found out she was having a 14 month affair witha mutual friend of ours.
I ( we ) tried, and maybe there is still a sliver of hope but all her remarks drove me to a breaking point. Some of the things she said:

I haven't been sexually attracted to you in 11 years
I had everything, you as a companion and friend, and my lover as my best friend who fullfilled my SN's
I know you want me to hate him, but I don't
I want to be an independant women
I don't regret the affair at all, I regret huting you.
and so much more.

So I told her yesterday, my heart can't take it any more. I love you more than life itself and I'd lay my life down for you, that's why I have to leave.

We talked about some financial obligations and she agreed. Talked about her being in the house for 2 weeks then she would leave and I'd stay for 2 weeks and keep rotating.

I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and now I know it really wasn't about the OM. I doubt he'll still be in her life but who knows.

For me, it's another day and the Lord is carrying me and my Mom who passed 4 years ago this month is right there. Funny how when you least expect it, true friends and angels are all around to carry you through.

Peace,
Michael

sounds like you made a good decision for you.

I am assuming you did the exposure things...right?

If you are that close to calling it quits, I would give Plan B a try. Of course the affair will never last - it has been going on 14 months, which is very close to the end of the average affair.

Plan B would give you some peace and relief. It also gives your wife a chance to see what life would be WITHOUT you. I think she needs a good dose of that.

B...I hope you are well... I know the conventional wisdom around here is that affairs NEVER last...but they do...just maybe at a low percentage. I know couples that have been together for years that started off as affairs(I never know them too long though)...I even have a relative that has been with an affair partner for 10 plus years. I am sure almost everyone here knows someone that started off their illegitimate relationship int hat fashion.
I agree that Plan B might be a good option...but believing that an affair will always end could well be folly.

Unfortunately I think MEDC is right. Every BS wants to believe that they do end, but I have to admit that they all don't. When I think about it, I know quite a few who have stood the test of time. My own brother lasted over 10 years with the AP that he married. My old boss has been M to his AP for well over 15 (total of 7 grown kids in that deal).

Do what you need to do for yourself. I would give Plan B a try though. Don't give up until you know that you did all that you could. You'll leave in a better state of mind and with no regrets that way.

Being married does not equal being in a healthy, fulfilling, and mutually respectful and loving relationship. Being married is a legal document for affair marriages and that's all it is (God will not bless one imo). I would be that there are affair marriages that last for years but are not fulfilling or healthy. See once you give up everything (kids, home, finances, self respect, reputation, career, etc) for someone the motivation to make it work is huge otherwise you leave yourself open to all the bleacher bums who would cry out "told you so, idiot". WS's don't want this and will do anything to avoid it including staying in marriages with AP that are not fulfilling. I know of a case know where an AM took place and the H in three years of M has already cheated ont he W over 5 times, beaten her, sleeps in separate rooms, is verbally abusive, etc but she will not leave him. She can't otherwise, the bleacher bums get to come out of the woodwork and she's made a fool. Truth is she is already made a fool she just tries to hide and deceive others with it by staying married to this man and occassionally pretending to the happy family they both dreamed it would be when they chose to cheat on their spouses with each other.

Married does not equal happy, fulfilled, healthy.

I know 3 people who have won a sizeable amount in the California lottery too, but I don't count on winning for my retirement. Just like affairs lasting, the odds are overwhelmingly against it.

Michael's wife is spouting the typical babble. I think Plan B is in order.

agreed B.....although lottery odds are not even in the same universe as an affair relationship surviving.

Your WW said:

"I had everything, you as a companion and friend, and my lover as my best friend who fullfilled my SN's"
and
"I want to be an independant woman"

Do you really not hear how ridiculous and contradictory this is?

That's because it's just the same stupid crap they all say.

If you are ready to go to Plan D, then surely Plan B for a while would be easy for you. That way, you would be able to look yourself in the mirror and know for certain that you really did try everything possible, and you'd also be removed from her idiocy.

Think about it, won't you?
Mulan

I've tried so hard in the last 8 months, I've changed my work schedule,cook,clean, do as much as I can around the house. I know I need to give it what, like 2 years, but she's killing me with all her comments. See above post.

Does plan B mean no contact, even e mail ?

Michael

For plan B to be REALLY effective. You have to cut all contact. You write a plan B letter as you start plan B, to explain to her that interactions w/her while she is still involved with OM hurt you and in order to protect yourself and your love for her you can have no further contact with her.

All contact is cut off. Verbal, written, email, even visual. Any communication that needs to be done should be through an intermediary.

This is to protect yourself. She will say this is childish, how can you work on your M if you won't talk to her. She won't like it. She will try to get you to talk to her. RESIST. This will show her what her life would be like without you in it. Many WS have the fantasy idea that after D you will be best friends, and she'll have her lover and you whenever she feels like it.

She has spent a great deal of energy blaming all her problems on you. When you are not there to be a target things aren't so rosey. The best way to do a plan B is to have the kids at home with you. She will miss being a part of a family.

Plan B is very difficult and it is not effective if you only do it half way....it just prolongs the A and the agony. Plan B takes preparation. Mentally, logisitcally and financially.

It is what saved my M.

Sorry to hear of your situation, but I suggest that you don't move from your home! You may find she takes that opportunity to move the OM in, not to mention the possibile implications if she files for D. Instead, ask your WW to move out until she agrees to end the A and work on recovering your M.

Hey MH1,

If you love her, Plan B will heal you and provide the best chance for a recovery. It happened in my case, and I definitely can say that my wife and I are happier than ever!!!

BUT, the h e l l that took place during it was almost unbearable....

...read my story (a couple hours is needed). I am proud to share my story, and to give a boost to others. You are not alone.....we have traveled ahead of you and will guide you...juts ask away!

Take care of yourself....#1 priority
MWIL

Well, the proof is in the pudding. I just had her panties analized and they contained semem. Funny, we haven't had sex in months. Guess it'll be Plan D I feel so sad for our 2 boys who she lied to to cover her tracks.

Thanks for the support,

Michael

Don't leave your home. It will send a message to your family and others that the victim gets to take the punishment also and rewards the WS. That's called enabling the A.

Instead it w/b better to find out how you can do a plan B.

Read SAA, HNHN & LMBT. Take the EN questionnaire and then call Jennifer @ MB for a good plan. It will consist of a personal recovery plan for you and your family.

Secure your finances, create your support group and include your children. Form a bond as a family AGAINST the A.

Even if this means the WS will have a fit and may have to lower her lifestyle to accommodate the A. Make sure you and your family are NOT enabling her A in any way.

That will leave an evil taste in her life but that's the price one pays for having an A. WS pays not you and your family.

L.

don't leave the house.
I think instead of the Harley's you should have a talk with a bull dog attorney...see if you can convince your wife to leave after you confront her with the truth.
Also, see if you can get custody of your kids as she is an unfit mother as well.

The others are right, you shouldn't leave your home. Do you want some guy sleeping in your bed? She is the one who is detroying your marriage, she should be the one to leave. Besides, you are the only sane parent your children have, they need you now more than ever.

This is about UNDERSTANDING affairs and doing your best to remove the feeling of taking this personally.

If you love your wife, be in the mindset that she is ill...her brain HAS been altered...yes a poor choice by her at the time....but obviously that initial contact with the virus (OM) has been able to run rampant with in your wife.

You CAN fight the disease, but it must be done with a HEALTHY YOU!! Letting the anger and resentment build up and GET YOU means you are taking this personally, and are contracting some of the symptoms of the WS's disease.

If you know you are ready to be the best person and husband you can be, garnish energy from that SELF VALUE and use the tools provided via the MB pricipals!!

My wife was openly having an affair....at first it hurt so bad....but the key in all potential recovery is for the BS to remove themselves emotionally from the affair.....NOT EASY....BUT CAN BE DONE!!

If your wife had cancer, and it was because she smoked (HER CHOICE) would you abandon her????

My wife and I are fully recovered now.....We've learned more about ourselves and protecting our marriage than we EVER thought we could!!! And I was in your same boat. Her affair is no different. Contact the Dr. Harley's, read, and post.....anger and resentment are band-aids to cover the hurt, and IMO, are tools of evil. Fight this with love, not so much toward your wife, but toward yourself, which will project outwards and fill you wife, when she will be accepting.

This is a battle over a perceived "pride" vs. the unknown "pride" of saving your family.

Man up!
Godspeed,
MWIL

MWIL, Thanks for the advice, I mean it. My wife made the choice and I gave her 6 count them 6 chances to let go of the OM. She has made her decision and now I can't be hurt again. I agree with you about now it hurting less. I've been protecting myself and I'm pleasant when I see her at the field. Heck, I even went to the OM and said, "Take good care of her, she's 1 in a million ".

I'm filing tom. and seeking custody of the boys as now she is even lying to them about her where abouts. I'll, my boys and I will be OK. I hated to see it turn to this but when you're at the end of the line, it's time to jump off the train. For my safety and sanity.

Peace,
Michael

You have battled hard for 8+ months now, and if you have done what you consider a decent Plan A, then I suppose a Plan B or in this case filing for D is in order to protect yourself.

But don't be surprised, that down the road, that A.) Your WW will get really pissed for YOU filing.....I know it seems unjust, but most likely happen...prepare for it....not through anger, but for love and respect of yourself. Show her that it is not about HER anymore, that you are taking steps to protect YOURSELF. B.) This guy had better be near God-like stature....because your WW will be expecting something of the sort...and of course he's not...and most likely, now that their relationship can begin to evolve as a "normal, non-sinful" one, it will collapse....because the foundation of honesty and trust that ALL healthy relationships are founded upon...isn't there! And while you are away from the hel l you've been through, your healing will begin to pick up speed! You WILL find that you WW will see that you are the more attractive option, as long as you love and respect YOURSELF!!

It'll be up to you at that point.....and I'd be willing to bet that by then, she will realize her errors in judgement.

My FWW made every justification in the book, for her affair...at the time it was going on.

It hurt, and after finding this board, I developed a plan...I protected my love for my wife by removing myself from the day to day illness my WW had.

And 4 months after she moved out.....I was consoling her, about her problems with the OM. I did not judge her for her past, but was there for her, as the affair crumbled. She couldn't believe that I could do that! She knew then that I had TRULY forgiven her. And it was a few weeks later that MY W asked me out for a date. And so began our recovery.

What I found the most helpful was the removal of the source of perceived pain.....my WW. And hopefully, that will bring you peace. And as a proponent of "in good times and in bad" I hope you still have a deep profound love of your W, that transends the anger, and allows for YOU to be her soft landing spot, after her illness goes away. 27 years is a long time...it WILL weigh upon her.

Continued good luck, my friend....always strive to be a better man today, than you were yesterday!
MWIL