[disclaimer: this post is not intended to "arouse" anybody here or to create a controversy; I hope that I can get some mature insight into what is going on with my situation!]

I want to know what to make of this. Whenever my wife and I have sex, without fail she will be angry about *something* the next day. The smallest thing would annoy her the day after and I get yelled at for what I believe to be no apparant reason.

We both orgasm at the same time; I know this because her biological/internal response during (what I believe to be) orgasm is something that would be difficult for her to fake (I hope nobody takes offense for an anonymous person sharing this intimate detail; I also hope you all will trust me on this last point without having to go into sharing more info). My wife is a very straightforward person who will say what is on her mind; some have described her to be impulsive, at times abrasive, and she has a very aggressive tone of voice.

For the last 2 years (married for about 3.5 years) I have not initiated sex because she accused me 2 years ago of only giving here attention in order to get sex; realistically this might be partially true as I was not entirely emotionally available to her because of a tough financial situation early in the marriage; the honeymoon period (first 3 months) was fantastic though! Also, I'm afraid of initiating sex for fear of random arguments starting the next day. Usually things are relatively normal for us prior to sex, but then there is alot of tension after sex usually emanating from her. Our weekly average is about 2 times per week (I wish there was more...I am a male afterall). There have been occasional rare stretches of daily sex; during these times there is relative calm between us; the norm is for her to unfailingly initiate an argument over something petty the next day.

I will say again that I did make the grave mistake of being emotionally unavailable early on specifically because of our financial situatation (I was unemployed shortly after marriage and didn't have a great job; recently our combined income is high enough that money is not something that we worry about). Also, early on the sex was not so good because my wife was reserved to explore her own sexuality and she had difficulty attaining orgasm. Also, the fact that I was emotionally unavailable (and my countless other faults -- yes I know it sounds like low self-esteem on my behalf!) is something she will bring into a random argument just to win the fight.

I am hesitent to go into too many details because if she finds out I'm writing this, there will be ****** to pay -- yep, I know just how bad that sounds too!

There are indeed other issues in the marriage as well, but this specific pattern is a starting point to trying to understand everything else. Any ideas?

There have been occasional rare stretches of daily sex; during these times there is relative calm between us; the norm is for her to unfailingly initiate an argument over something petty the next day.

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sounds like she is very scared of being vulnerable w/ you.

does she resent you for some reason......is there something you once did that offended her? any affairs or other independant behavior?

No affairs at all, but I do tend to stress that she is on good terms with my friends and especially with my family. I do have close ties with my family, and I have made the mistake of overriding our plans at the last minute to go visit family because of some parental obligation; this is mainly because of our cultural background (Asian). But the overriding would constitute a courtesy "hello" and then resuming our original plans.

Recently there is plenty of friction between her and my family and I frequently feel as though she is putting me in the spot where I am forced to choose between herself and my family.

As far as offending her, she can be offended very easily. For example, she gets upset when there is a discussion and she is not asked for her opinion. Rather than participating on her own, she will expect that she gets addressed by default; she will take it personally by stating explicitly to me that she was ignored by so and so; inevitably this would translate later into, "I don't want to associate with them because they ignored me before". Whenver she would tell me this, I would try to give her another angle at viewing the situation, to which she would respond, "Don't try to tell me what happened and don't tell me how to feel about the situation."

I sometimes thinks she wants me to just listen, but at the same time I feel that she doesn't want to have anything to do with "those who ignored her"; this automatically implies that I do not have anything to do with "those who ignored her". She has a habit of taking things personally; her family and some of her friends have told me this as well.

Right, one more thing, the overriding is 100% a violation of POJA! I see that now.

Also, the vulnerability thing with her is something she is very defensive about. Before we got married, she made many remarks to the effect of, "Don't think you are going to walk all over me!" I took that as moxie, spunk, or whatever you want to call it. I never thought of pushing my spouse around in any way to begin with.

Also, in our first year of marriage, if we ever got into an argument and she would sometimes start what we could refer to as a classic AO, I would become more calm; the effect my calmness would have upon her was that she would get more enraged and she would yell, "Why aren't you getting angry at me?" On the opposite side of the spectrum, she would sometimes stonewall and not say a word.

This aspect I am quite perplexed about as well!

Ok, sorry for the triple posting....but I forgot to answer the first part.

Yes, she resents me because early on I was emotionally unavailable to her. About 6 months into the marriage, she would say stuff like, "I don't trust you anymore!" and "You ruined this marriage, now you have to take responsibility and fix it". Again, there is NO infidelity. She has accused me of flirting with women, so I have more or less broken off contact with female friends she didn't like (no big deal here at all); I have also changed the way I interact with women after about 18 months into the marriage because of her suspicion that I am flirting. I tend to joke around alot and I love to get into intellectual discussions (both ENs of mine that are not met at all), and so if I have such an interaction with other women (mind you, in a VERY public setting and in front of her as well), I suppose she interprets this as "flirting".

Prior to this, whenever she would be upset about something I did I would apologize; she would respond, "What exactly is it that you are sorry about?" This would be preceded by stonewalling on her part; sometimes for as long as 2 hours before she would say a word (this is on the opposite end of the spectrum from her yelling at times). There was also another pattern in our "arguments" (in quotes because it does take two to argue!): she would talk forever and not let me get a word in; I timed her once to go continuously for about 1.5 hours! Once she got friends involved in our problems and she went on for about 3 hours straight; our friends and I barely got in a word. I suppose when it rains it pours (especially if you live in London, like we do!).

There is more to the story, but again, I am quite afraid that if she finds out I'm posting this, then I'm toast!

Hello again Capn,

i read your posts quickly....not much time right now..... but you said several things about your wife that i identify with.....i will be back to respond later.

Post deleted by Soolee

So...she has been the initiator of sex for the last 2 years?

If you ask me, I think her confidence is shot. She may need to be reminded daily just how sexy she is to you, in settings where she knows she is safe from feeling pushed into it when she isn't ready. If you aren't initiating sex AND talking to other women - well...that pretty much would get me upset too. I'd feel quite unattractive.

Not asking for details. Nor do I want to freak you out, but orgasms can be faked pretty easily. Women can do all kinds of things with their vocals and their muscles to make their partner think they've been 'pleased.' I'm not saying she's doing this, so I was thinking something else...

She may be upset that you aren't waiting for her to finish first... She may feel that she has to orgasm quickly while you are or will miss the opportunity altogether...

I have also heard of people crying after sex - something to do with just venting and using it as a start to a catharsis of sorts. Your wife may be bottling up too many emotions in during the day. Do you have deeper conversations on a daily basis? Do you listen and validate? She may need that.

Thanks for the input Solee. I never thought of her confidence level being shot. I was always more concerned with myself as far as being accused of being insincere and that is why I stopped initiating. She would always bring it up in a fight that the only time I want to get close to her is for sex.

As for talking with other women, it would be in front of her and in my opinion very harmless chit-chat. I think the fact that I am having a conversation with somebody else and she is not asked her opinion voluntarily is a big issue; this is opposed to her finding a moment to insert her own views whenever she feels.

As far as making her feel sexy....whenever she initiates and signals to me what she would like, I take control of the situation. I do virtually everything for her but all I get in return is missionary-style love making after I've given her at least one orgasm (oral sex or manual stimulation). I'm always pleasing her and asking her what she would like, not the other way around.

She does cry after sex sometimes! I have tried to have deeper conversations with her but I feel as though she hijacks the discussion by cutting me off and just talking about something that was not even related to our original discussion. This is a HUGE EN that I am missing. Often times I do not just listen. That might be the key.

Your wife sounds like she's unhappy with you and from what you been saying on here, I don't blame her. It's only natural she's not going to be worried about pleasing you with your sex life if you're not pleasing her with in other areas of your marriage. Don't let your friends or family come first. Have you ever told your wife that you want intellectual discussions and to joke around more? If you haven't, maybe your wife can see that you are enjoying other women's company more than hers, but still not know why, and just become angry about it. Maybe you could tell your wife that you want to talk about a spacific topic and to not change the subject because it's important to you. I bet your wife really does feel like you only want her for sex because of your conversations with other women and putting your family first. Maybe you should show her that you enjoy her company too. Even if your wife isn't into conversations you could try to find a hobby or activity that you both enjoy that you could do and talk about. After you make those changes, and make your wife feel like she is the most important person in the world to you, then try to talk to your wife about what you want out of your sex life.

TLA,

Perhaps you didn't read the part where I said that I have broken off contact with my female friends...just wondering if that caught your eye or not.

I do follow your logic about not being pleased with my sex life if I do not fulfill her needs elsewhere in the marriage.

sparrow, I do not know you guys, but from what you've said it sounds like you guys don't know each other very well. Not very intimately, I mean. I mean, where a married couple is supposed to be, like best friends, telling each other our deepest secrets and knowing that that one person will always have your back and have faith in you and not criticize you. The only thing I can think is to initiate some really great soul searching...get to know each other all over again. I imagine that if you took this step, it would mean a lot to her and reinforce your marriage.

She obviously has some reservations about intimacy with you. At first, I am thinking she is just high maintenance and self-absorbed. But I trust that she is more love-worthy than that and I'm just not reading it all. Therefore, I suggest creating some getaway moments, where you try to get back to what attracted you to each other in the first place. Basically, what it seems like you really need is to just talk. With no criticism, judgement, or analysis. Just hear each other.