so my spouse and i have been separated for 3 months and i am at my wits end. HE left due to HIS affair and the fighting that happened after it and swears up and down he still loves me but is not ready to come back yet. we have been going out maybe 2-3 times a week but there is no physical contact except a hug and i am ready to throw in the towel.

i am miserable and just want to give up and move on.

i don't even know what i am fighting for anymore and he isn't fighting at all.

did anyone feel so much like giving up but still held on and it actually worked?

i guess i am losing more and more faith each day that he is going to want to come back. and i am so lonely that is just hurts.

all i am looing for is some glimmer of hope...anyone?

There's always hope.

What have you DONE?

Have you exposed the Affair? Are you in Plan A? Do you even understand what these concepts mean? Have you read the infidelity FAQ's on this site?

Welcome to MB. This site can help you save your marriage.

what does your username mean BTW??

Read, read, read!!
Look on the net for help, Divorce Busters or Divorce Remedy are excellent books.
Get info as much as you can, it'll help. Being rejected by your lover is a horrible thing.
People on forums are good too -- if they answer--sometimes there isn't any reply but try to find out info for yourself.

yes i've been on this site since the affair happened and since he was caught, by my own eyes.

i guess i am in plan A, it'a a little complicated. he no longer lives with me and has stopped wearing his ring. i like a fool still wear mine because i still believe he will come back.

usedtobelieve he was the one. now i am having serious doubts.

i just want to find someone who will be there for me because he won't and he tells me how unhappy he is yet he isn't. he is just confused and i am stressed out to the max.

as of this moment i want to just drop the whole thing on move on with my life because i see nothing to indicate he will ever come back and work to be the man i married.

i have worked on my trust issues and also with the rampant accusations but he has done nothing. but be selfish and i am tired of giving my heart and soul to someone who just tears it apart.

How long have you been married? Any children? Have you done any exposure of this affair?

Have you read 'Surviving an Affair"?

Is H and U interested in counseling? This is the start. If not then you have to do Plan B.

H is doing the wishy washy stuff cause you are letting H have his cake and eat it to. Do not do this to yourself!
I think here its called fence sitting, if I am wrong someone correct me.
If H is not willing to work on M then don't let H "hang" with you, show H what it is like or what it will be like without you.
And trust me, I don't think there is one soul here that didn't think of giving up on this, its hard, very hard. We know, ask yourself what do you really want, then work hard to be happy.

Every 2 or 3 days I feel like giving up....I just dont see a point...I mean, it would take a miracle....and I know God gives them but at the same time I dont want to be like one of those couples that go through infidelity 5-10 years just for the M to really start getting good later in the future. My WH wants to be home but yet I have to deal with his withdrawals, deal with him sneaking contact with OW, still lying, and tries only a little...now maybe my circumstances are a little better than yours but I still cant see the light at the end of the tunnel.

If only OW moved to Mars or something...i dont know, I just wish she was away....I wish my WH wasn't so tempted. My WH grew up watching his dad hurt his mom with infidelity over and over and over again.....you would think he would know better and be more empathetic to my feelings.

I just tell myself to trust God.....but boy do I hurt, I hurt.

I wouldnt be dating your H because he feels he doesnt have to make a choice....i know you say your not having sex but he can get sex from a number of different people. He dont care. But he has you too for the other needs...so he will milk this cow till its dry. If you're going to date, you are dating to work on the marriage, 15 hours a week. If you are only dating so he can see where he wants to be....cut him loose.....Seeing that you are getting fed up....I say do Plan A for one month the best you can with him not staying at home....and then go straight into plan B. And if you feel Plan A has been good already....see about going into plan B.

just an update for anyone who cares...it's over. and no it wasn't my decision. He told me he wanted to do something i felt very strongly would hurt our relationship and he decided to do it anyways. and the best part is he can't figure out why i see it as such a disrespectful thing.

i have also been given the it's not you it's me speech to end my marriage. can you believe that? he just all of a sudden no longer wants to be married.

well it looks like i am destined to walk the earth alone
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

UTB -

My WH has been involved with his OW for almost 1 1/2 yrs. I found out 4 months ago. He chose to leave and move in with her. They lived in an incredibly horrible situation with complete chaos.

Turns out she is a crack addict with hep C. A few weeks ago my H was showing up more and more and was on the fence to come home. But, the WH has taken complete control over again. He says he wants something more than to be married to his best friend. That someone is a crack addict who has been divorced twice. This hurts because I love my H so much and he considers her more than me. What am I?

Through this, I have seen levels of selfishness, cruelty and disrespect that I didn't even know existed in my H. Due to finances we needed to move from our house to an apt. He got a house with OW, and insists we are done and I should move on. Somehow he has managed to convince himself that he is the victim in all of this and he is hurting just as much as everyone else. It blows my mind how he reasons his actions and decisions as ok.

Everyone, well maybe 3 people support my desire to hang on and hold out hope. Everyone else says I am way better off without him. I don't believe that. I have glimpsed my real H inside this awful WH. I have barely survived, lost 68 1/2 lbs, got back into AA and am changing on a daily basis, though some days I don't want to go on anymore because of the pain and loneliness.

From what I have learned from all the supportive people here is that there seems to be a common pattern and language that WH's speak and someone please correct me if I am wrong, yours seems to be following suit.

If you think you can hang on, and think your marriage is worth it, keep seeking support and help from the people here. They have saved my life and helped me to continue to fight for my marriage even though letting go is as hard as they come to hope that I will be blessed.

I don't have much wisdom, just truly understand the pain and sadness and am sorry you are here, but it's a wonderful site if you use it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

UTB,

In my case, it has been almost 1 year since DDay. My WH is home with me since 5-31-07. We've been married 24 yrs & together 25. I'm still hanging in there because I think he still loves me, he just don't want to admit it right now.

Believe me when I say I've been through the ringer. Suicide, hit man, you name it. But I've held on & even though he's not really working on it right now, I believe he will as soon as he gets through the withdrawal.

My WH believes in the big bang theory -- one day I'll wake up & bang, I'll be in love with you again & every thing will be ok. I know this won't work but he has to see that for himself.

My WH told me he hasn't loved me since he lost his dream job due to company closing. That was 11 years ago.

All WS say & do the same things. I read things on here that were word for word what my WH was telling me. It's like they follow a movie script.

I did Plan B for a little over a month. He called & asked to come home. You need to do the same. He needs to see how life is without you waiting on him. Pick up & go on with your life, find new things to do that your interested in & refuse to see him. It really helps.

So keep your chin up & hang in there if you think it's worth it. You're the only one who can decide that.

What did he want to do??

I really hate to give up on this marriage because i love this man with all my heart and soul and from day one believed he was my soulmate. i just wish he would see how great we could be together but maybe i am the one that needs to see the truth.

i dunno. i won't divorce him, i could never do it. plus since he is the one who doesn't think he would be happ being married i strongly believe he should be the one to end it.

part of the reason i can't do the relationship like it is anymore is because he was willing to risk losing me three times and it just made me feel worthless.

the first time was when he had the affair
the second when he moved out
the third when he went on his trip. (i told him our relationship was not strong enough to handle the trip and that had he actually came back home to work on the marriage i would feel very differently)

one of my biggest issues with him was respect. i asked him to stop talking to the OW and he refused stating i was being crazy, and then i caught them together.

the trip was somewhat of a test. i told him that if he went there was the risk of losing me because i was not comfortable with him going. and apparently the trip was worth losing me so i guess it's over.

Then time to tell him the firm conditions you will have for being married, ie no contact, real effort, etc.

Best wishes,

UTB,
Hang in there. Its frustrating because things that seem so clear to BS are totally opposite to WS point of view. If he is still in contact w/ OW you should consider the A active. Have you done a good plan A or a doormat plan A?


You may not be the one to initiate a D but you also should not wait around and see if it happens. Protect your rights, find out about your options and finances, build your own credit rating. DO NOT wait for WS to make you feel worthy...they can't see that far. You need to value yourself, if your don't believe you are worthy then why should he? You want to present yourself as an attractive option.

I have been where you are. Check my signature line. My WH existed in our home for a long time. He wouldn't work on M and he wouldn't leave. I finally gave him a choice....I would not consider D unless we worked on M for 3 months or if he left for 3 months. He chose to leave.

He enjoyed it for awhile. Coming by at dinner time, bringing his laundry home, joining us for family events. The house was always clean, his favorite snacks and drinks available. I took care of myself started wearing more make up threw away all my sweat pants. His friends would comment to him on how great I looked. He was having his cake and enjoying every bite of it.......Then came plan B

He hated that I wouldn't see or talk to him. I would not be available when he would come to pick up the kids. He started dropping by unannounced. He used every trick he could think of to get my attention.During this time I had a very difficult time holding on to my faith and hope for my marriage. I would take my wedding ring off every night, in the morning I would ask myself "Do I want to be married today? Just for today." Most days the answer was yes and I would wear my ring, it was my choice....I was not a victim stuck in marriage. Some days I didn't put the ring on.I gave myself power, I am the only one who can decide for me. No one can force me to live an unhappy life.

Finally one day he came 3 hrs early to get the kids. He told me he called OW and ended it. I said "Thats good, how would I know for sure?" He offered to put it in writing. He wrote the NC letter, gave it to me and I sent it. That was June 2006.

We went through a family health crisis and came out stronger for it. He was trying. He was going through the motions and I believe he was in withdrawl and coming out of the fog for a long time. Real recovery (actively working on our M) didn't start until Jan 2007.

We are getting closer everyday, enjoying eachothers company, confiding in one another, seeking each others advice. We are fullfilling eachothers needs. Love bank deposits are on the rise. In Feb he told me he was happy....and so thankful to be home.

In Sept 2007 he told me "I really do love you. I need to show how much I love you everyday. If a day goes by and I don't...you need to hit me REALLY hard." I cried. I had not heard those words (I love you) in over 3 years. I said "I love you too. What took you so long?" He said "I'm a slow learner."

I'm glad I waited. We are better then ever! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

i just need to vent. i know there are people on this site that have been in plan b for months, maybe even years and i have no idea how you do it. it's been a week and i am dying inside. this is so damn hard. he totally threw me away, threw away our relationship and all i can think about is when is he going to call. how absurd is that?

it just hurts so much to know that he wasn't willing to fight for me or our marriage.

this just sucks and i want my old life back. i want to be happy again in his arms. i want to hear him say how much he loves me and how he doesn't want anyone else but me.

Ok, we know what you want but what r u wiling t/d for you and your family. NOT for the WS but for you and your family!

U need a plan. Do you have one or want one?

L.

the only plan i have right now is to work on myself. i had to break away because i was strating to hate him for all the things he said or did to me. i needed to back myself out of the situation. he says he can't be happy being married so i can't do anything but live my own life.

How long have you been married? Any kids? What is OW's situation?