I'm a 28yr old father of a 2yr old girl and have been married for 3 years. My wife and I have known each other for 2 years prior to our marriage. We are both fervently Christian which makes our situation even more difficult to stomach.

As I said, we dated for 2 years before our marriage and it was a rocky but beautiful period. She was always very affectionate with me although we didn't have sex before we married (I was a virgin, she had 2 sexually active relationships) so I was completely crushed when we finally wed. It seemed like my wife lost all sexual attraction for me over night. This led to 3 very difficult years of marriage because I felt so rejected and became resentful toward my wife. She, in turn, closed off even more to me and our marriage started a slow journey towards separation.

About 3 months ago, my wife started talking seriously about separation and encouraged me to move out. I refused saying that I would never break up our family, that I was prepared to go through ****** so as not to tear us apart. I begged and pleaded with my wife to reconsider but she was immovable. BTW, around this time, she began to spend an inordinate amount of time with a group of Brazilian men that lived next door. Long story short, I found out on July 16 that my wife was having a sexual affair with one of the Brazilian men (who is himself married but estranged from his wife and is in the country illegally) and was planning on leaving me. When I discovered the affair and confronted her with it, she was completely unapologetic (and still is) and told me she no longer loved me. She said our marriage was a mistake, that we would qualify for an annulment (we are devout Catholics), and that we should start the process of divorce.

I was beyond devestated and could never have guessed that someone with such seemingly strong religious convictions could do something like this. I managed to talk her out of getting a lawyer although I think it was the eggregious cost of a divorce and her guilt that is dissuading her from ending it at this point. She was staying home full time with our daughter but, since I found out about the affair, she has bought her own car, gotten a job, and put our daughter in daycare three times per week.

She continues to be in contact with OM even though she keeps telling me its over and, since my discovery, has slept with him twice more (she admitted this to me). However, she has been addament about remaining in our house even though she could easily stay with her parents (they live 30min away). I'm trying to implement plan A but it has been so difficult because I am extremely attracted to my wife and she treats me like dirt. I'm wondering what to do next. Should I allow her to stay in the house even though I can't stand seeing her or should I kick her out? Is this just a phase she is going through or does she have serious character flaws (selfishness) that can't be remedied? Lastly, will she ever regain her sexual attraction for me (she claims that I put to much stock in our sex life and that she felt pressure because of it and decided to shut down) or should I give up on that as well? Thanks for any comments or advice!

Well....... here's an idea...... if he's an illegal, I'd see about getting him deported for a start.

Second, I'd be exposing the affair far and wide - friends, family etc...

I looked into getting him deported but found out that there is way too much red tape to deal with and the process could take years.

I have been exposing my WW but it doesn't seem to phase her. She does have three people that she has specifically told me not to tell (her 90yr old grandparents and a friend of hers that she respects very much) and I haven't because she fears the shock will put her grandparents into an early grave. I don't want to have that on my conscience but wonder if her grandparents knowledge of the affair would force her to end it.

Her respected friend is a different matter. I haven't told her because, even if I did and the friend confronted my WS, my WS would only shut down and hate me even more. Am I wrong on this point? Should I have her respected friend confront my WS?

Move. Stop contributing to the rent/mortgage of that house.
Contact a lawyer and protect your assets.
Protect your child at all costs.
There will be no way for a recovery if they are living next door. Since they live there/contact their landlord and make him aware of the situation and the fact that they are illegal. Tell him you want them out...see what happens.

Your marriage can survive her anger; ie, shutting down at this point, more than it can survive an affair. Expose to her friend, and let her friend put some pressure on your WW, and the affair.

You are in for a long battle here. Purchase and read "Surviving an Affair". You can purchase it here on this website, or at your major local bookstore.

Also, read as many threads as you can, and see how utterly commonplace the actions of a Wayward Spouse really are. It's like they all have a script.

It's slow on these forums on the weekends, so don't expect too many responses until Monday when people are back to work <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks everyone for replying. Let me tell you why I'm up at 5am in the morning. Tonight I told my wife I was sleeping at a friends house although I was really planning on following her to see where she would go after work (she got a job at a local restaurant and works late). At 2am she comes out of the restaurant and drives away. I followed her at a distance and saw she turned down our street. Good news, right? Not quite. She parks the car down the street instead of in our driveway and proceeds to go into the neighbor's house where they were having a late night party. I start to text message her to see if she would lie to me about where she was. She didn't answer back so I text that I'm coming home because she isn't answering. 10sec later I see her coming out of the Brazilian house holding the guy's hand and kissing. I won't post what happened next but, suffice it to say, I won by a large margin. The cops showed up and broke it up. Apparently they aren't going to charge anyone so I'm off the hook, thank God. After this craziness, my wife text messaged me that she wants to move to another state with me and start over again. Is she a flippin lunatic? Funny thing is, she didn't even apologize for what she did. I'm no saint but, if I did something similar to what she did, and then continue it and lie about it, I would get on my knees and beg her to forgive me. She can't even do that! Is there any hope for us at this point or should I end everything?

You wife wants to move to another state and start over with you?!?! This IS NOT a bad thing.

You need to get as far away from the OM as humanly possible, and the fact that she was the one that suggested it is actually very surprising!!!

You need to GET HER AWAY FROM HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God Bless,

Caren

Thanks Caren. I don't know if I should take her up on her offer just yet because it seems like she changes her mind everyday about what she wants. Last week she was saying that she wishes we were never married. The very next day she talked about how she wants to start all over and will always love me. I don't know which person to believe. And the fact that by seeing the OM she put me in the position of having to physically confront him, I just don't think she's stable. I'm thinking of just severing contact (as much as possible) for a few months to see what she really wants to do. Does that sound reasonable? I just can't remain on my wife's roller coaster.

JDC,

If you physically confronted him and now she wants you again, she sounds like she likes to be fought over.

Immature, somewhat needing some drama in her life.

She is needing her emotional needs met, and she finds this OM is adding some excitement to her world.

There is a saying on MB: Plan A the spouse, and Plan B the wayward spouse. What that means is, that when your wife is acting like "normal", then use the Plan A tactics on this website. When she is acting like a wayward spouse, use reverse babble, ignore her, avoid contacting her unless necessary, etc. This is hard to do when you live together - you are in a rough predicament because OM lives next door.

Move. ASAP.

I agree - the fact that she asked to move is a good thing. It means that she understands that the affair is wrong and she WANTS out - but she is finding it hard to stop. There is an addictive quality to these things and many WS find it very hard to stop. This isn't unusual.

So, look at moving as soon as you possibly can. For now, move your wife to her parents. And tell them why she is there, so they can help her stop calling and seeing this man.

Tell her you want to start over too, but nothing can start over until she stops contact with this OM.

And you aim to help her do just that. Move her quick!

Move while you can! Things will improve if you continue to meet her ENs, avoid LBs, and she has NC with OM. Move away while you have the chance.

On another note, who cares if it takes years to get OM deported. He screwed your W, go ahead and get the process started. At least he won't be a viable option to your WW in the future.

Finally, if you are such a tough guy, I've got the address of some guy in Winchester that I wouldn't mind you beating the crap out of. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hey Jim, any time! I tell you what, I haven't experienced any justice since the beginning of this whole scenario and it felt awesome!

As far as moving is concerned, the OM doesn't live next door. He hasn't since July 16th. His friends live there but after last night's whipping, I don't think I'll ever see him again. Besides, I decided that I can't continue to make decisions based on a hope that my wife will come back. If she is serious about coming back, then I'll consider moving. If not, then I'll have to move on. I just can't be on her roller coaster any more. Does that sound unMBish? Am I not fighting for my marriage by letting her make a choice and then waiting to see if she sticks by it before taking her back?

I would let EVERYONE know that you are calling La Migra. This guy won't realize that it isn't that easy. He will no doubt disappear from your life at least.

JDC-

No, it doesn't sound very MB, but it is, of course, your choice whether you want to try the MB plan, or just scrap the marriage.

If you go the MB route, and follow it to the letter, you have a decent chance at saving your marriage, and if it doesn't work, you know you did everything humanly possible to save this marriage, and can walk away with a clear conscience.

Do you have children????? Do you still love her????

I know right now this all seems unforgivable, and it's horrendous, and cruel, but while it can't be undone, it can
be "saved".

God Bless,

Caren

You probably do have grounds for a divorce and annulment....but...you have a little daughter who would be better off with both her parents. You do have a chance to save your marriage. God hates divorce. Move.

I say you have a perfect opportunity to try to save your marriage. It isn't many on here who have a spouse say they want to move and start over so soon. I think you should take her up on it and move asap.

If you can, get the MB home study materials or read together
'His Needs Her Needs' and 'Surviving an Affair'. You have a good shot at a better marriage with a firmer foundation than before her affair.

Do it for your daughter if not for yourself and your wife.

Before the fight with the OM and your wife wanting out; you wanted help to save the marriage. Now, it sounds like you've gotten empowered to leave her and your marriage.

Think of what that would be doing to your child. You wife would likely have a string of OM enter her life and be an awful example and it'd be a sad situation for your daughter.

You have and opportunity to rise to the occasion and do the right thing for your daughter...and your wife. It is hard work to make a good marriage...it may seem easier to let it go. Be the strong head of your household.

The Bible says for husbands to love your wives...learn to understand just what that means. Love is a choice, a commitment....not just something you do if you feel it or is feels good...your wife needs to understand what it means to love too.

Start with reading this:
Four Rules for a Successful Marriage

Thanks everyone. I do still want to save my marriage but am wondering if I should begin to make decisions like moving and taking my wife back into the house so soon. I'm thinking I might take some time for separation and to see if my wife is serious about making a clean start. I don't think I can bare to have her crush me again by seeing the OM in the midst of our attempt to get back together. This is what I think will happen because, on Saturday night, they were kissing and holding hands before I put the smack-down on the OM. I know that she can't love him because she clearly doesn't know the definition of that word. However, her emotional attachment to this man and culture is deep that I'm doubting whether she is capable of being my wife. Also, I think that, if she doesn't continue with this OM, she will probably try to find another. I just don't see much hope after Saturday night.

If your wife is serious about making a clean start, then set your expectations up front...right now.

1. NC with OM...RIGHT NOW. NC letter sent to him, with your review and approval.

2. Marriage counseling with a counselor of YOUR choice.

3. Implementation of proper 'boundaries' to prevent this from happening again. (this is the openness & honesty thing that you'll need to see from her)

4. Whatever else you require from her to regain your trust and love in her.

And I agree with everyone else...start the ball moving on La Migra right now. Don't wait, don't ask anyone's permission...get it started.

Work your plan A at the moment...you've read up on plan A on this site? Work that...expose, meet her EN's, and fight to end the affair.

OK, thanks Owl. Do you think it would be ok if I told my wife to stay with her parents for a month or two before I allow her back in the house and before we go to counseling. Or, should I take both those steps right now? The problem is that she has said she is done with the affair before and really wasn't. Is it a bad move to observe whether she really is serious about saving the marriage before I take the steps you listed?

Ok, new development. Since I trounced the OM on Saturday night, my wife has been texting and e-mailing me about how sorry she is that her actions have led to this and how she wants me to take her away to another state and start over again. Today, on the phone, she reacted to me telling her that I wasn't going to speak to her for a while by saying that "divorce is off the table" for her and that if I get a lawyer and file for divorce, she will contest it. Oh, how the tables have turned! BTW, I exposed to three of her most respected Christian friends and they have agreed to have an intervention of sorts with my wife. I can't tell you how fantastic these developments are! My question is, how long should I keep up this silence with my wife. I certainly don't want to drive her into the arms of the OM but I can't put myself back on her emotional roller coaster just yet. Any recommendations?

Separation is not part of the MB plan. She needs to have NC with the neighbors. I would notify the landlord, or talk to them and tell them they need to move, or La Migra will be stopping by, and they may earn a free trip to Brazil. Most undocumented are very afraid to cause any problems.

But your wife needs to be with you to recover.

From what you have written I think you are deluding yourself. She is a player and continues to play you. She shows you utter disrespect and contempt. By the way, I hope you both have been tested for STD's. Wouldn't it be better for you in the future to be with a woman you can trust and who respects and truly loves you. I am sorry but she is a game player and playing you for a fool.