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Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2
C
Junior Member
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C
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2
My son and daughter-in-law are 22 years old and have been married for over 2 years. She has a very strong and agressive personality and and he is extremely kicked back. At times she will bark an order "I mean put that cat down now!" or some other demeaning thing right is front of me. The poor thing has no idea that that is outrageous. I guess neither one of them does. In a big way my son doesn't have to do alot of thinking and deciding but just be going along on auto-pilot or something, which could work for his personality. At other times I think he is codependent or something. He stays up into the night and goes to work with a couple hours sleep b/c he is doing something that makes her happy with those hours. She let's him or initiates it. It is like EVERYTHING is just the way she wants it all the time. I have no idea how he ended up being like this. My husband and I knew he was the "nice guy" type that would give you the shirt off his back, but we have always only had a mutually respectable relationship with him. He is one that would take the path of least resistance on many things in life, but also go way outta his way for others and be very sensitive to other's feelings.

My thing is that if he lives the rest of his life in a marriage like this, it would be way more than unhealthy. And then there is the chance that it could blow up on him somehow. But more than anything I think as time went by he would just become a pathetic old man. He thinks, I'm sure, that he is only showing love and kindness. I'm sure he misses that he demonstrates no self respect. And embarassment. They are still in the early stages of their marriage. I wondered if anyone could give me encouragement and suggestions on how to help them. I know that just running his life for him is the path of least resistance for her and that not pushing him thru life would be difficult for her. But carrying it over to his physical moves and being SO domineering ALL the time about everything really hurts me to see. I want her to take time to figure out his preferences and make sure he has those preferences some of the time. He doesn't seem to have any preferences except to be very careful to make sure she has every little thing as she wants it. Like I said, that would indicate codependency. He has always been a person that you knew you could run over. We were very careful to help him live HIS life. He NEVER stands up for himself in this marriage. It's like he doesn't have a self and this works for her.

Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,516
M
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M
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,516
Have you talked to him about your concerns? What does your son say about his M? Is he happy? How do you and your DIL get along? What do you know about her and her life before M?

Maybe he understands her reasonings, logical and hasn't shared them with you as they are private matters between them.

I understand your "mom" position oh to clearly. BTDT, but it is his life. If he hasn't asked you for advice in my opinion (and I'm NO expert) you'd be better to stay out of their marriage.

Most mom's don't want to see their kids in situations they are taken advantage of (or what we preceive are).

Hang in there, just do yourself and your son a favor don't get involved unless asked to. You'll cause more harm than good. Keep them in your prayers that God will show them the way.


EA4-7/07,Dday7/29,NC 7/30/07
ME 47 WH 48
Married 30 yrs.
2 DD,4 GC
Found out
Learning
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2
C
Junior Member
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C
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2
One vote for pray and leave them alone. Any more suggestions?

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 144
B
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 144
Leave it alone. At some point he's going to have to learn to stand up for himself. Obviously they could use some counseling, but you interfering in their marriage probably won't go over well with your daughter in law.


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