Just in case no-one's familiar with my story - in 2003, my FWW started an A with a coworker (subordinate) in her office. The EA turned PA in 2004 and ended in early 2005. She disclosed the A to me in May 2005, but the EA continued for a month or so afterwards until I discovered it. The OM and my FWW basically vowed at that time to stop contacting each other, but they still worked together until my FWW finally resigned from her job in late 2005. The OM continues to work with the company, and in fact has a managerial position now. The OM, who was engaged at the time of the A, was apparently also carrying on another A with someone else from the office at the same time.

It's now over 2 years later. My FWW and I are still on the recovery path, but I think things are certainly better than they were a year ago, and even if she decides that she no longer wants to work on the recovery, I know that I'm going to be quite all right on my own, if it comes to that.

Here's the thing: her A was never disclosed to her office. Likewise the OM's antics with at least one other W at the office (who also left, BTW), was never disclosed. AFAIK, her office never found out why she really left, or what type of person the OM really is.

I in fact supported that situation shortly after D-Day (and this was before I came across MB, by the way!) by telling them both that they should keep the whole thing under wraps and deny that anything ever happened between them if anyone asked. Of course this approach allowed my FWW to feel comfortable working with the OM at her office for several more months, which seriously damaged our recovery (hindsight is always 20/20 vision, eh?). I certainly won't recommend it now.

Here's my question: should I expose to her former bosses the real reasons my wife left the company? Part of me says that they should know, if only to know the type of person the OM really is. Also, I do know that they highly valued my FWW's input, and were very sorry to see her go, and maybe the exposure would help them understand why she had to leave. However, this is a small community, and there's a huge risk of embarrassment to my wife and family upon such exposure.

There's also the small risk that the OM may lose his job and likely his home, him being the main breadwinner and all. Unfortunately I can't seem to find any sympathy for that possibility however.

What should I do? What do you recommend?

well, the side of me that wants to see justice done says expose.
but the part of me that is concerned about your M says "let it go." This is not a spouse youa re talking about...they always have a right to know.

I would say live your life the best way you know how...and move on.

It depends on the company and their policy's on fraternization amongst employees. Some company's don't care about or want to hear about their employee's private lives.

Are you sure you want to open a can of worms like this when you are two years down the road? Is revenge your motivation more than anything? Do you secretly wish to tear apart MM's life like he did yours? I'm not questioning your right to want that, I'm just trying to get a feeling for your reasons for contemplating this.

I have lots of questions... Does MM's BW know about the OOW?

Some women will stay with a man (and vice versa) no matter how many times they get caught cheating. I worked with a couple many years ago that the H was a total alleycat. I was good friends with his wife. One of his A's with a coworker was so blatant myself and another one of our close friends told her about it. When confronted he accused the OW of lying, they all were called into HR for a meeting. Nothing really came of it all, it turned into "he said, she said". They went on to have more kids and last I heard of them they were still married. Oh, and my sister worked with him at one of his night jobs and she said he was a total alleycat there too. His wife was no dummy, she KNEW what was up, but she chose to turn the other cheek and keep her family intact I guess.

I guess the moral of my story is sometimes you can tell and it doesn't produce the desired results.

I'm not sure what their policy is. I could find out - the HR Manager is a friend of the family, but even asking her certain questions might get that can of worms opening by itself. Oh, and she thinks very highly of the OM.



Nope, hence my post <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.



I don't think so. When I think of the OM these days, the words "justice" and "compensation" rather than "revenge" come to mind. There are number of reasons that are driving me, but I don't think revenge is one of the main ones.[/quote]



He's not married yet. Still engaged. And yes, she knows about both As that I know about. I have reason to believe that there might have been others though (I've got my sources).



Yep. This is my FWW's 2nd A. The first one occurred before we were M'd. I think I will always have this nagging feeling that I should have walked away after that first time.



I'm not looking for a particular result here, apart from ensuring that the company knows about the OM's behaviour and the truth about my FWW's departure.

Thanks for answering my questions. So they are still engaged??? The poor woman! She needs to run for the hills!

I say let a sleeping DOG LIE.

I agree with you. I'm not sure of their current status, though a bit of online investigation suggests that they're still a couple. I don't think she wants to talk to me, so any opinion I give her will likely fall on deaf ears anyway.

I say make OM lose his job.

The price for fornication, there's no reason why he should win.

Why bring it up now? Stay out of it and consider yourself lucky that you got out of it at all.

MIM,

Blackmail the OM and retire earlier than planned. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Seriously folks,

""and in fact has a managerial position now.""

This lowlife has more opportunities now to be a player and strut his stuff.

""However, this is a small community, and there's a huge risk of embarrassment to my wife and family upon such exposure. ""

There is no need for any exposure. This can be done quietly with only those who need to know informed, with a huge threat of sexual harassment litigation if it gets out.

The OM's wife should know what type of man she is married to, donchya think? The scumbag was, OK I'll be polite, having SF with two different women WHILE he was engaged to her.

What does your wife think?

IMHO

kirk

I think it would mess with your recovery and that the two of you should move on, for you.

That being said, I love to see justice done and the truth be known so other unknowing individuals don't fall prey to his behavior. Maybe a little bird with a type writier? But that still leaves it open for information and embarassment for your W who is home and trying to heal, right??

Good luck

Fled

LOL - I don't think he makes enough to afford me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.



That's one of the things that troubles me. If he does take advantage of someone else at the office, I will feel indirectly responsible because I didn't speak up when I should have.



I've thought through all of the scenarios. Because this is a small community, I can't think of any possibility that does not result in my FWW's A being disclosed. The "sexual harassment" thing wouldn't fly. Not only is that not taken here as seriously at it should be, her A will likely be publicly exposed anyway, likely resulting in her humiliation. Don't forget, she was his boss, not vice-versa.



I don't think they're married, and she's well aware of the two As. She chooses to remain involved. While we can advise against that now, I have an idea of what "justification" she's giving herself to stay - I was in almost exactly the same position many years ago when my wife-to-be cheated on me for the first time.



She's likely to be annoyed that I'm even considering it now. I'm not even sure I have courage enough to show her this thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I tried the extortion bit.

He didn't believe that I'd expose him to his family on Christmas day.

I dropped by and knocked on the door and his wife answered, I handed her a package and said "Merry Christmas".

I can still hear the sound things smashing in that house.

Greatest

Day

Ever......

Is there a patricular reason to bring it to the surface?

Is OM up to some old tricks with someone else?

Does you W see OM at all that its causing problems for your recovery? is there a reason for him to lose his job?

Is it just to let work know what a scum bag OM is?

What is the outcome your looking for?

I know I screwed up by not exposing the A to their office as soon as I found out. Perhaps my M would be over, or perhaps my FWW would have realised what she was throwing away and put a more serious effort into the recovery. I should have exposed, big-time.

I don't know if he's up to his old tricks with anyone else. I think his bosses have a right to know the true circumstances surrounding my FWW's departure though. What they decide to do up to that, it's really up to them.

I think I may have come up with a suitable approach though. I think I will ask my FWW to consider doing the disclosure herself.

Did she quit two years ago? Two years is a long time... I wonder how it will be received if you do it. This should be interesting...

I hope it isn't a setback in YOUR recovery.

use ya head man/i/mo

is that manimo for short?

what on earth could you gain from this?

kinda makes me wonder-

Later

Max

MIM,

So the OM's sig other knows about it.
(So they are still "engaged"?)

It's been over 2 years ago.

Recovery is going as well as can be expected between you both.

I guess I vote to let it go, move on, look forward. Bringing it back up will only be a step, or many steps, backward.

And it will not help the obsessing about him that seems to be drawing you to do this.

Plus the W's embarrassment factor.

Plus, no matter how noble, it has the stench of REVENGE also.

IMHO

kirk

Just kick his @ss instead.