the fighting here, why am i doing this?

medc, the first thing i recall from you was a sarcastic post about how a "poor WS was complaining that her BS isn't thrilled to be married to her now". you branded me with your negative opinions and that was that. but I know that you do not know me, i doubt you even know my whole story. so why does it bother me now? i never let something like that get under my skin before. "take what can help and leave the rest behind".

same with you ML, i saw instances of how you communicate and although i will myself say you have helped many, i knew you and i would never have interactions that would be constructive or helpful. so i didn't interact with you.

now i'm letting it get to me.

i'm irritable at work.

i break out in tears at random times.

the other morning i woke up crying, i don't even know what i was dreaming.

i had lunch with my mom the other day and it was all i could do to get thru the meal without suddenly telling her how much i dislike her.

she hurts me over and over, even now. she brings up my dad over and over, how he abused her, she loves to repeat how the 4 kids are all products of rape. and how she now agrees with the middle siser that dad must have abused her. about movies from our childhood that dad took of my older sister that proves that, even if my older sister does not outwardly acknowledge it, that dad must of abused her too.

and she is so unbelieveable blind to how this upsets me. i have told her, nicely. i don't want to discuss these things. and she says ok but then she forgets and starts again.

i know i made mistakes all along the way, one look at my signature proves that. I AM NOT CRYING VICTIM HERE!!!

since late 1999 when my dad first announced he was sick, i've been falling apart. how long can a person fall apart before there is just nothing left? he's been dead since april of 2001!! i'm still falling apart.

i have no childhood memories before about 5th grade. they divorced when i was in 2nd grade but i dont even really recall those early days of just living with mom. memories start in about 5th grade.

i prayed to God the other day, that morning i woke up crying, "fine, please help me remember then, if that is what i need to do to be able to move on. i'm ready to look at it all" but it's not like i'm going to all of a sudden magically remember anything.

besides i still don't really want to. i just want to learn to be happy again in the now. DH is happy with us now, he says we are doing fine. i don't think he would say we are super close but he thinks we just need to give it time, keep letting it grow.

what is wrong with me? as days go by i feel less and less connected with no energy left now.

i think at times i almost used to be helpful on this board, now i'm look how i contribute. it's terrible.

God please help me find my way. help me find the resources i need.

I read your post,
you sound angry and a wee bit lost,

Do you have someone around you right now?

Max...

nope, home alone, with the dog. i should be going into work, just can't quite manage it yet.

well, ******, it's 1am here,

and your dog's name is?

Peace

Max

dog's name is Sophie, it's 10am here, very pretty fall day, sun is shining and the sky is bright blue, just like yesterday and just like yesterday i'm inside under a cloud.

i did manage to write out the bills earlier this morning and Sophie is whining, i'm going to walk to the post office with her, then maybe i'll be ready to tackle work.

i did at least check in with work by reading emails.

hey max, why are you up at 1am?

because it was a beautiful spring day here.

Max

and I am a little bit worried about you

FL,

I've noticed you seem a little combative lately.

First, rule out health-related issues (you aren't menopausal, are you? I am and it accounts for my pi$$y mood.) Get a full physical - tell your physician what you have been experiencing and that you want to rule out a biological cause. If nothing shows up then time to see a counselor.

I hope you can discover what this is all about and restore your equilibrium.

Peace.

i dont think i can really go out right now. don't want the neighbors to see red eyes.

next choice is to suck it up and drive to work.

max, thanks for the concern, i think the energy it took to write this post has made me too tried to fret anymore.

eagle, i suppose i am at least pre-menopausal, i've been noticing differences, some months hardly nothing, other months extremely heavy.

i generally go to my ob/gyn every year. i have a great Dr. she actually knows about what occured a few years back. i told her when i went to get tested. she was very kind. of course i have long history with her because i had some pre-cancer worries for a bit many many years ago and then there was my daughter who died after a pre-mature birth. of course most visits all i every do say is "i'm fine"

maybe you are right about a full physical. i have a thyroid that is needs watching, it's been a while since i have had that checked.

It sounds like you should pay your doctor a visit. Get yourself checked out and discuss how you've been feeling. I've been depressed before (after a death in the family) and I was an emotional wreck.

The reason some posters here have spoken out about the treatment you describe above it because it is hurtful. They don't know you, and they are making mean, unnecessary comments. Some people find it easy to say, they don't know me, screw their opinion. Others don't brush it off so easily. It's not productive, it's not helpful, yet it continues to be allowed on a "Christian" website.

Put them on ignore if you have to. Even if it's just for a month or so. I did and it works wonders!! Also, consider that this board isn't the "therapy" you need. Therapy shouldn't make you feel like this. You need professional help, IMO. You sound depressed.

I don't think you are crying "victim", you are hurting and trying to get to the bottom of it. It's a step in the right direction.

is that what you want to do

suck it up?

efff that

you said you lost a daughter,

I have a daughter-the absolute love of my life

I cannot begin to imagine your loss.

Max

hi fcf.

i know this will sound stupid but i just don't have the time to completely fall apart. i have so many depending on me.

i know i need help. a few weeks ago DH said he would find the consoler this time. since then he said he has a game plan to contact a former pastor that DH always liked and ask for a recommendation from him. to my knowledge he has not yet sent the email. (i've been looking in his outbox).

we lost Katherine in 1992. it was a very hard time. that experience brought DH and I togehter. at least i think so. we had already been distant to each other and during that time, we found a way to lean on each other. the pastor that buried her (the same one i just mentioned) talked to us about how an event like this seems to either tear a couple apart or bring them closer. in our case he was happy to see we were supporting each other. i vowed to Katherine i would not let us go distant again. i hate how much i have failed her.

we also hav 2 other children, DD 17 and she is the absolute love of my life too. and a DS 13 who i love dearly as well but am not quite as close to as DD.

madmax if you don't go to bed you won't be able to enjoy the next beautiful day. you said spring... where do you live?

ok, i'm going to try to walk to post box after all. i think i almost look normal.

I'm in

get this

Toowoomba
yup;you read that right
Toowoomba

it really is a pretty place-just Toowoomba--Australia

Katherine is a beautiful name.

Max

Man... I had no idea you had lost a child. {{{FL}}}

I know what you mean about feeling like you can't fall apart. I have three kids (two of them are toddlers still) and an H that sometimes makes me feel like I've got a 4th!

Kidding aside... they need their mom well and happy. TAKE the time to get some help. It will be well worth it in the end. Make that doctors appointment! I was so depressed after my mom passed I was barely functioning. My anxiety was rubbing off on my DD. I was on antiD's for a year and a half and went thru counseling. It helped me tremendously!! (I still tend to be a worrywart when it comes to my family, but I think that comes with the territory with you are close to them.)

I know it's not always a recipe for success for everyone, but why not try??

cool, Toowoomba Australia. sounds pretty.

my DD and I plan to take a cruise to celebrate her high school graduation, just the two of us. we hope go to to Europe. I would love to go to Greece. Maybe someday I'll even make it to Australia. No plans for that now.

thank you, i like the name Katherine too. DH choose it. She was born so unexpectedly we had not yet choosen a name and he wanted her to have one right away. She lived for just under a day. they thought she had a good chance, they transferred her to an excellent hospital but she was just too sick. DS came about 2yrs later. we were very blessed to have a smooth pregancy/birth with him.

fcf, i understand what you are saying. i was on meds for a while after dad died, actually two seperate times since then, once right after he died and then again after i confessed everything to DH. and i did some IC then. guess i didn't really deal with everything though. just enough to make me think i was going to be ok.

i am open to doing more IC again. If DH does not make any progress, i'll look for someone. i feel like i need to give him time to followup since he said he wants to find the counsoler this time.

ok, now it is 11:15 am and i'm still home. dog is begging me to go for a walk...

i'm really going to go now!!

max, thanks again and go get some sleep already!!

fcf, i'll check back in once at work.

thanks for the friendship today, it really helped.

ya know, when i mentioned the name i didn't say why Katherine as choosen, cuz i'm not sure you would know her.

The name was choosen after Katherine Hepburn because DH thought she was such a strong woman and he wanted to give our daughter a strong name to help her fight for life. I thought it was an excellent choice.

Ahhhh, get this we may come from toowoomba but my mum right now is cruising the greek thing!!

but next Tuesday

my mum and my sister will be at a grave site.

Her name is Angela.

I wish I could be there too.

Peace

Max