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#1950660 10/05/07 07:32 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 22
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Hi Everyone -

I'm back after a long hiatus from here. I found MB back in 2000 when my H had an EA/PA for four months with someone he met through work. D-Day was 1/19/00.

He was a heavy drinker when we met, which continued the two years of dating and first five years of marriage. I am pretty sure to a previous PA back in 1995, but he will never admit to it. I was of the mindset - I can change him! Yeah, okay...

H quit drinking after D-Day and we immediately went to work on getting this M on track. We did MC for six months and ten months after D-Day we renewed our vows.

Even in renewing our vows, I knew it would never be the same. The passion we felt after the A had already died down once again by this point. The chemistry between us (on my side) botched.

It has been a struggle for me. In 2002, I picked up a running habit which I feel, looking back, I was running from the marriage. (I also quit smoking, so that was the major factor in starting). H was supportive to a point with the running. He thought it would be something that would just die down after awhile. It didn't.

In 2004, H started drinking wine here and there (it used to be beer). Last year it became pretty common place to see him drinking a glass or two (or three) every time we went to dinner or out with friends. This bothered me immensely. It was the one thing the MC told us that if he started drinking again, I needed to be strong enough to walk out. I'm still here!

I've tried to discuss with him numerous times how this affects me to no avail. I feel like I've given up on this M probably around January of 2006. I've tried like the dickens to put all the past crap behind, to buck up and work hard at making this M successful.

I think in the past 18 months we've stopped caring about the relationship. We have been married 13 years, together 15. We do not have any kids. People wonder why I stayed in the first place back in 2000 with no kids.

I guess I didn't want the "what if" factor to take over my life. I didn't want to have any regrets.

So, to the subject line...I do love him. But I haven't been in love with him for a very long time. There is no-one else. I feel that we have just grown so far apart. We do not do anything together, as much as I plead with him to do so.

It's only been in the past few weeks that I've really started pulling away that he's now jumped to attention again to "do whatever it takes". I just don't know how many more of these I can go through. It's at the point where we do whatever it takes, it's okay for a couple of months, then goes right back to where we were.

I'm so saddened by this. I wanted to be one of the few that made their M work. I just don't have the strength or energy to do so anymore.

It hurts me deeply when I think about leaving, but it also hurts feeling like we are roommates.

This place helped me immensely once before. I guess I'm looking for guidance once again. He refuses MC at this point. And this would be the fourth time in the seven years since his A.

Thanks if you've gotten this far. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I've been lurking for weeks now. I feel it was time to post my story.

LL

Last edited by LillieLoo; 10/24/07 11:13 AM.

LillieLoo Long-time member...new name
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I think your counselor had it right. The problem in your marriage isn't so much your husband's behavior but rather your lack of strenght. Your husband does exactly what you allow him to do. You say your want certain behaviors to stop, but then you don't do anything about it when they don't. That needs to change.

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I agree, Broom, to an extent. I agree that I have allowed it to go on. However, I have asked and discussed it with H at nauseum to please think of where this got us seven years ago. (again thinking it would change)

I believe the loss of interest in the M was both of us. I take full responsibility on my part for giving up. But it wasn't without effort.

Thanks for your input.


LillieLoo Long-time member...new name
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My point is you have been sending conflicting messages to your husband. You tell him that his behavior (whatever it is) is unacceptable, yet when he does it you do nothing. Eventually your husband figured out that you don't mean what you say. In a sense he's not the one being duplicitious you are. Stop saying it if you don't mean it. If you really mean it then act on it. I doubt your husband has any real idea about what is going on your your marriage either.

Don't get me wrong I'm not beating you up about this. All I'm advising you to do is to follow through on something. Maybe that means you'll leave your husband, or maybe it means the two of you sit down and really figure out what is going on and what needs to change for the both of you to be happy.

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LillieLoo,

Broom is right, people will hurt you if you allow them too. I made so many mistakes in allowing my X to hurt me. Had I set some clear boundaries after her first EA, we either would have gotten divorced then or we would have made it work out forever. (I will never know).

If you drifted apart, then you can drift back together. If you feel you still feel love for him, then don't give up. Divorce is an extremly horrible experience and if you think things are bad now, go through a divorce.

Keep us posted.

Keith

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Thanks, Keith.

And, thanks again, Broom.

I feel like I've become the enabler all over again... We're discussing a lot these past couple of weeks. I'm trying to get my bearings again with MB and what my next steps are.

I know that I allow people to walk all over me. Friends and family alike. I have that and other issues I know I need to work on to be a better person. I'm slowly learning not to be stepped on, and I guess that's why this has come to such a critical juncture. I'm tired of it, and I realize I had set boundaries long ago, that I allowed to be broken. And, I realize I let it go for way to long before speaking up.

Thanks again for your responses. I appreciate the honesty.

LL


LillieLoo Long-time member...new name
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An update or not...

H and I have been talking for a few weeks now about the state of our marriage.

I almost feel like once we started talking about it, I was finally able to let my emotions out, and it's made it even worse. Is that possible? Goodness....

I feel like it's finally safe for me to feel "nothing". That doesn't sound as horrible in my head as it does looking at it in typed words. Yikes.

I just about had a major breakdown when we were watching The Break-Up with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston. I've been wanting to see it for so long...and this past weekend was NOT the time to see it... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

The ending in what she said to him, about how her feelings had changed, died somehow, was right on the money. And, my H knew exactly what he was dealing with when he saw my face after that scene.

I guess I'm just rambling. And, I guess it's not really an update, but more of the same. We have been talking about the enabling of our bad habits. We know this is something that needs to be addressed.

At least we're talking! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I feel like I don't want him to try. I feel like it'll end up the same as it always does, and that's what I'm afraid of the most. I know I have to try just as hard if not harder at this point, but that part of me is so tired and worn out. I want to want to try, but then, really, do I?

I read the posts here daily (sheesh, almost obsessively), trying desperately to find something to jump out at me to say AHA! I hope there is one...

Thanks for reading.
LL


LillieLoo Long-time member...new name

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