I posted last week in the EN forum about my story, but here is the gist of it.

H and I have been together 14 years, 2 boys, ages 7 and 3.5. Four weeks ago, he told me that he have found out stuff about me that had hurt him. He had read things I had said about him on a message board I have been posting regularly for years. He found out I had said horrible things about him behind his back AND that I had feelings for another man (no true EA, just fantasizing).

He kept it bagged up inside and decided to tell me a few weeks ago, after I prodded him because I suspected he was having an affair. Still not sure on that one btw. He has a female friend that he is very close to, so who knows? I did ask that female friend about it and she said "are you crazy?". But like I said who knows. He said at the time (4 weeks ago), that we should work on things... he was willing, then. Then last week, BAM he announced that he was leaving me.

Last night, we had a MC session (which I had to almost force him to go), our first (possibly our last) where the MC announced that separation/divorce was imminent. I totally freaked out, because H said stuff about how he was planning the future and he had never discussed that future with me. The future being we would have part time custody in a week. Scuse me? You announced you were leaving last week, and you expect custody issues to be resolved in 2 weeks? Kinda cuckoo... anyways. But yes I flipped out.

I had been so in control, working on totally eliminating the love busters while he was still in the house. Obviously, he was refusing for me to meet any EN... but that is to be expected. He was already convinced that separation was the way to go, and he had planned on being out of the house by tonight. Well, my angry outburst led to him leaving this morning instead.

Last night, after the disastrous counselling session, I came back home and was calm and serene. He FINALLY opened up to me last night. He told me EXACTLY why he was leaving... he didn't admit to an affair but he said: "I'm hurt, I need to find out who I am again and learn to live on my own. Right now, I hate everything about myself, and I'm unable to love anyone".

I did tell him that I still loved him. He answered to me that he didn't realize I was still in love with him before this week. He thought I didn't love him anymore, and is totally surprised that I'm "trying" to win him back. I told him that I'm not giving up on us, even if he has.

So, now, what do I do??? How do I proceed??? Do I give him his space and wait until he calls and begs to see the kids??? I really don't know how to handle things from here.

You were saying mean things about him on a message board? Why? Why would you say mean things about your spouse on a message board.

I have to say I don't blame him for being so hurt.

There is not more to this story than you are telling us, is there?



You have no choice, you canno keep him there against his will. Do what he asks of you, and do not make him "beg" to see the kids.

Begin Plan A.

Start trying to get proof of an affair. You really need to know for absolute certain if an affair is going on.

Normally when someone moves out we advise that you apply for temp custody immediately, and start securing the finances.

I'm not so sure in your case however. I'll let the others give their opinions on that.

Get the proof of his affair, mgm. Knowing the truth will help you bring this to a head and get him back. Once you know the true facts, we can help you deal with this. Even if you have to hire a PI, you must get the truth.

As far as custody, I would not do anything or agree to anything. Don't cooperate with any seperation schemes, make him work HARD to get anything and get a lawyer if he does.

I agree with weaver that you should secure your finances. If there are any large amounts of cash or equity lines, get it moved. Take his name off all credit cards.


Great "marriage" counselor. NOT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Most MC's are morons who haven't the slightest idea how to save a marriage. they have the highest failure rate of any of the counseling disciplines. [16% success] They have a higher divorce rate than the gen pop. if that tells you anything.

And most of all, CALM DOWN!! This is far, far from over. We have seen cases much worse than this that resulted in a happy ending.

So, he's been gone 3 days now. He's staying at his cousin's (have confirmed that).

The kids are po'd at him. They refuse to speak to him when he calls on the phone. He wanted to see them tonight, but he just wanted to "see" them, 5 minutes. I dunno, but to me that sounded more like taunting them than anything else. The kids are really fup right now. My youngest has already shown signs of regression and the oldest says he wants to live with me FT.

I really don't know how to behave when he calls. I've been polite, and did show some concern for him... asking him how he's doing, yet he has never asked ME how I'm doing... and I'm a mess. He mentionned yesterday that I sounded much better. I am, I can think more clearly with him not around.

I still firmly believe that a family should be together not apart. And I STILL don't know where to go from here.

I don't think there is an affair... he wouldn't be at his cousin's... but I'm going to try to get a hold of his cell phone records tomorrow. Or maybe hire a PI, just in case. I think he's just a lost little boy right now. He seems pretty distraught actually.

After confirming that there is in fact NO affair (which I'm pretty sure of now), what am I supposed to do????

"I'm hurt, I need to find out who I am again and learn to live on my own. Right now, I hate everything about myself, and I'm unable to love anyone".

Sure sounds like an affair to me. Do some serious checking. Don't let the affair drag on and on and on.

Ask yourself....do you want the WS back in your home or your real H and father? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

That will help you from being a mess. What you have right now is a WS. Pretty soon that will make you more angry than sad as your progress through the stages of grieving.

JMHO,
L.

Honey - no man will move out of home if he doesn't have a woman waiting in the wings. He is having an affair and you need to dig deeper.

This forum is really helpful in bringing some clarity to the situation and setting up some sort of planning.

I made an appointment for a phone consultation tomorrow with the Harley's, that'll probably help me even more. I need to find a PI now to confirm or deny the A.

My feeling is that he's not involved in an A right now. I think he might be thinking about it though.

I received an email from him this morning... I fished a bit, but this is what he sent me:

"I'm worried about you, this morning I was close to the house and wanted to stop by and help you out with the morning routine with the kids. I'm not myself right now. I'm even more lost than before I left. I don't want to show my feelings because I don't want to get pity from the person I hurt. I'm very scared for the months ahead et I miss the children very much."

Your feelings are not TRUTH, though; most especially in a situation where you have little to no objectivity. I can almost guarantee you there is a woman in the woodpile, mbm.
A person has to have a POWERFUL motivator to abandon his family and leave his home. And it is either abuse or addictive affair. In your case, I vote for the latter.


He feels VERY GUILTY and wants you to EASE HIS PAIN. But, you don't want to do that. Guilt is your FRIEND because it is what will drive him back. Reply to him that you are very hurt by his leaving and that you and the children miss him very much.

Shoot I contacted a PI this afternoon. I can't afford to hire a PI at this time! Maybe tomorrow I'll change my mind... but dang... 70$ an hour, and it can last for weeks until they find something.

I did contact the ÒW last week. She denied the affair. Maybe it's not her and someone else.

I did reply to H's email, and did tell him that I was sad that I wished to have his old self back with me by my side. I did tell him I was managing well though, under the circumstances.

He called me a bit later, very very sad voice. He says he hates to admit it, but he misses me. Misses the kids more though. He's surprised by the kids reactions. DS1 says he loves me more than him and that he wants to live with mommy and not with daddy. Doesn't want to tell him because he doesn't want to hurt his feelings. I did tell his daddy how his son felt though. Thought he needed to know.

Today, I saw the first openness towards counselling. He wasn't at all before that. We have an appointment with MC (or should I call her separation/divorce counsellor) on Thursday. But I am slowly telling him we need to have a phone counselling session with one of the Harley's.

I know you guys are telling me that I should confirm the affair. But geez... I can't get his cell phone records (although I'll scavenge through his remaining papers at home) because they are confidential and a PI can only follow him around gathering evidence. Maybe I should go the PI route after all. I just hate doing it, because what if he finds out? He'll say :"see, I told you didn't trust me". Lack of trust is obviously one of our biggest issues.

...and w all know that OWs don't lie.

You can't afford NOT to hire a PI! This is the smartest thing you have done so far.


And maybe she..............LIES?? If she is having an affair with your H, do you really think she is going to tell the wife of the man with whom she is having an affair? Dat's not how this works, my good friend!!


Don't let him think you can do just fine WITHOUT HIM, even though you can. Just be HONEST.


The kids should be enouraged to tell him EXACTLY how they feel. Kids are DEVASTATED by divorce, they should tell him the truth.


I wouldn't bother with marriage counseling unless you just want to waste some money. That money is better spent on a <MARRIAGE COACH like Steve Harley or on some nice aromatherapy candles. Most marriage counseling causes MORE DAMAGE than what was there before because they don't know how to save marriages.


If he says that, wouldn't the logical answer be: YOU ARE RIGHT, I DON'T TRUST YOU? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> It is not honest to play pretend games, so I am confused why you think it would be healthy to pretend like you trust him. I suspect he is having an affair and is NOT trustworhty AT ALL. Marriages do not fail from LACK OF TRUST, but from lack of good boundaries. You should NOT trust an untrustworthy person.

What do you mean they are confidential? As in this is a company cell and you can't get into his account?

Who is the cell phone carrier, because there is a PI that some have used who can get cell phone bills from some carriers.

Did you put that keylogger on his computer?

Don't be too sure of that. When my H announced he was leaving, I had repeatedly asked him, my family asked him if there was someone else. He denied. He stated the reason he left was b/c I was too controlling & a list of other things. He moved out & stayed at a room above a hotel. Five days later I found out that he had been seeing someone for 3 months prior to him leaving.

Do you know the passwords he uses frequently? When I checked my H's cell phone records, I had to have a password to get into his account. Luckily for me, he uses the same password on everything. I used it & got into the account. That's how I discoverd the same # coming up, called it & confirmed there was an OW.

I know that going through his cell phone is probably the easiest way to find out if something is up.

The PI I talked to this afternoon told me that they used to be able to go through cell phone carriers, but since January this year, they can't because of confidentiality laws.

I will try to go through his cell phone carrier and call them up tomorrow morning. I have no clue what kind of username or password he might be using though.

I have so many things to do that I don't really know where to start, I feel like a headless chicken running around. I have a full time job to do also... I've been non productive the last week at my job, which is not very good.

Does the coaching session with one of the Harley's sound like something reasonable? Even if I don't have proof of the affair yet????

Yes. Get the coaching. It is excellent. I have never heard of ANYONE who didn't benefit from it.

Tell us more about the female friend. How often do they communicate?

The female friend is a friend of mine. I do karate with her, her kids and my kids. He and her communicate mostly through email, at work, but recently, I know he has called her and sent her emails from home too. They might be communicating via facebook also... H likes his facebook.

Tonight he updated his "status" on facebook to saying "he is going to he!!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Whatever that may mean.

He agreed on the coaching, but only after our MC/separation counselling on Thursday... maybe I can try and convince him otherwise. I'm working on the slight opening he gave me today when he said he missed his "best friend" (meaning me).

The more I read the stuff you all wrote, and the more I think about it, the more I think you guys are right. He has to be involved with someone else. There is no way he isn't involved with someone else. I'm calling the PI guy tomorrow again after I try to get his cell phone records.

mbm, PI's can still get cell phone bills and it is legal, it just has to be done a certain way. One PI that has helped others here and is very reasonable is at: http://www.frankmusicinvestigations.net/ Call and ask for Frank.

But FIRST, see if you can get his cell phone bill online.

The coaching session with the Harleys sounds like a GREAT idea! It doens't matter if there is an affair or not. But I imagine Steve would tell you the same thing: FIND OUT if there is an affair or not.

If he is a fairly good guy, the affair is probably with your friend. It could be just an EA right now. Most decent folks don't start out to have an affair, they just kind of stumble into it. Often the affair starts out just as a friendship.

Also, often the other woman is a friend of the wife. The diabolical thing is that they use their friendship to get recon on the husband.

How did they get to be friends? I forget, is she married? Kids? Circumstances?