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Joined: Oct 2007
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Let me start with an analogy. I have heard of certain types of trees in the forest that require the immense heat of a forest fire to sweep through and scorch the earth before that seed pod will burst open to become fruitful and multiply.

In more human terms I think the bible and many other quotes have a common theme that says it is in our failures and our trials that we grow. That is where are character is formed.

You can read my story at: (Hopefully) Entering No Contact Stage, but let me say that I am the betrayed husband who has had a tough wake up call. My Dday was 7/30/07. The very next day I started praying for the first time ever. I am still praying everyday (its working!!) that the recognition of my old ways and the changes I am implementing will be enough for my F(?)WW to decide our 16 year marriage is still worth it. Her status is NC (so far 1 week), in withdrawal and seaching for herself.

During this horrific ordeal, I have had many revelations and epiphanies and answers to prayers and answers from counseling and on and on. I have realized how element A (like pornography) and element B (imprints from my father) and so many more, have produced behaviors and ways that I treated my wife that were making her unhappy. Very unhappy. In talking with many people about my situation and getting feedback, everyone is glad for me, including my wife, and they see I am a better person now because of these changes that have taken place in my character in only 10 weeks. I still don’t see her wearing her ring or saying she is committed to us again but for this topic that is not my point.

This may sound very strange for newbies here but I have thanked God for this ordeal. It has opened my eyes to the changes I needed to make in my life to become the person I need to be, the servant-leader of my family, my wife's partner and intimate soulmate and an engaged father. And let me say that I wasn't doing a terrible job: I make decent money, I am in shape, I love my kids, my parents are still together, I still talk to my sister, etc etc. But I wasn't listening, deep listening, to my gorgeous, beautiful, sexy, smart, loving wife.

In conversation with another woman who is having a difficult time too of getting her husband to see what and how she needs him, she asked me how can she get him to really GET IT?? To open his eyes and hear in his heart what she is trying to tell him that she needs?? She is trying to show him the potential!

And I don't have that answer. So thats what I hope some of you can help answer. How do you get someone to WAKE UP and smell the coffee?? How do you get them to realize the potential they are missing? My own selfish ways changed very little in 16 years of my wife trying to get me to understand her needs. And let me say that her biggest attraction to me is how smart I am (her words) so its not that I am dumb, but I certainly wasn't being smart about how to have a great marriage!! Only through this aweful terrible painful, brick in the groin, heart being ripped out, waking up in the middle of the night wailing trial have I found inspiration.

One very important point I would like to make for people on this “Oh I wish I wasn’t here” discussion forum is this: I was missing the mark with her emotional needs. I really like W. Harley’s EN principals but I do believe that for newbies, The 5 Languages of Love by Gary Smalley is much easier to digest. My wife was complaining often that I wasn’t helping her with household chores, dinner, kid’s needs, etc. In the 5 LOL, he identifies one of them as Acts Of Service. And guess what, I started doing those things and presto, my wife started to reconsider her path to divorce! In the book Gary Smalley tells how he counsels a husband who doesn't understand why it matters if he helps her do laundry. Gary says "The way you feel loved when she has sex with you is the way she feels love when you help around the house! Bingo! The husband says, "Bring on the dirty laundry." Thats the kind of epiphany that so many of us need in our marriages. Hopefully before we have to come here in pain and agony.

I have been told that this same thing happened in my in-laws marriage years ago. She was so unhappy she had an affair. He woke up, she reconsidered, still together today! I think this pattern can apply to either gender but mostly its guys ignoring the girls. But why does it take such terrible actions to produce the desired results. Why does it take an affair? Why can't we wake up and figure it out without all the pain and suffering. That would be very proactive. Something thats hard for humans to do. I guess the sharpest swords require the hottest fires no?

Let me add my list of books that have given me tremendous help:
It's (Mostly) His Fault by Robert Alter
The 5 Languages of Love by Gary Smalley
Just for Men by Jeff Feldhahn (Just For Women too by his wife)
of course HNHN by Dr Harely
For Better For Worse For Keeps Bob Moeller


God's goal for marriage: Become ONE! How? MBer methods.
Me:husband 42
wife, 40
married 1/12/1991
3 children, 1 granddaughter
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bigpicture -

Your theory is interesting, and surprising coming from a BS. I wonder if you are still in shock......

I have always hated the kitchen in my home. It is old, outdated, hard to keep clean, and the color is wrong. So perhaps I should burn down the house to make way for a new one.

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R u asking if one s/b burned to know it hurts? That's one way. The smarter way is to learn by observations or better yet, listen to the one who can help all avoid these painful encounters. After all unless a child has to endure a painful surgery to correct a medical condition, why would a parent want to intentionally inflict pain just to 'teach a lesson'? Ok.... now that doesn't mean you can't discipline a child for each child has their individual level of learning. Don't go off on a tangent here, just focus in on the 1st question. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

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BP,

Just a little warning, don't buy too much into what your WW says regarding you being responsible for her affair. I see your DDay is still somewhat fresh, so you may be in somewhat a fog yourself.

To explain myself better, when I found out about my WW's affair, I heard all the same garbage when she was trying to justify her affair. And I really believed it. But after a few months of listening to it and a lot of soul searching, I came to realize it was all BS. Maybe to her wacked out WW mindset it wasn't, but to anyone set in reality, it was BS plain and simple. We have a cleaning service, so she doesnt clean. I cook 50% of the meals in our house. I get my son ready for daycare every morning and play with him every night, all night, as soon as I walk in the door. I bathe him 50% of the time and I put him to bed/read to him 95% of the time. I take care of the entire outside of the house as well as anything needing to be fixed/painted/hanged inside the house. I also take care of all the bills.

Her only real chore is doing laundry once a week.

Do you see what I am getting at here? Even though, in reality, I do the lions share around the house, I was being told that I don't do anything. And like I said, I really started to believe it. Meanwhile I do not get ANY time to myself while she is out shopping, getting massages, getting manicures, etc.

Just let reality sink in a little before you go jumping through hoops trying to appease your WW. You will most likely find that in the mind of a WW, nothing will never be enough.

Joined: Apr 2006
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Quote
How do you get someone to WAKE UP and smell the coffee??


You can't. That is up to them. Some people refuse to wake up to see the dream they thought they were having is a nightmare fore everyone around them.

Quote
This may sound very strange for newbies here but I have thanked God for this ordeal.


Strange no masochistic yes. There is no amount of harm, grief, ignoring en's or whatever that JUSTIFIES an A.

A divorce maybe but an A no. Do not Thank GOD for your Wife sinning and breaking at least one of the ten commandments.

Quote
Why does it take an affair? Why can't we wake up and figure it out without all the pain and suffering. That would be very proactive. Something thats hard for humans to do. I guess the sharpest swords require the hottest fires no?

It doesn't. It requires courage to work through these problems or LEAVE. If it is so darn bad that you NEED to be with another person go see a Lawyer and start a D proceeding.

To be honest that would give the same wake up call without all the other crap.

Oh and by the Way a FWS or a WS always finds ways to justify their behavior.

Maximizing a BS shortcommings and minimizing their own is the norm.

My FWW told me I never asked her how her day was when I got home. and I never kissed her when I came through the door.

Early in our M I told her she calls me so much during the day we never have anything to talk about. She said she wanted to call during the day. Thus the no asking when I got home. She decided that.

Then she used it against me. Oh and she was an alcoholic that drank wine. Her breath stunk to high hevean. Kissing was not all that fun.

She pointed out I never kissed her. I told her when she drank wine her breath stunk. She kept drinking wine.

Sooooooo. Be careful before you start taking her word on it.

I am sure you have improvements that need to be made but don't go thanking anyone that your wife cheated on you.

Quite frankly that is insulting.


BS 38
FWW 35
D Day 10/03
Recovery started 11/06
3 boys 12, 8 and a new baby


When life hands you lemons make lemonade then try to find the person life hands vodka and have a party.

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