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Luis Offline OP
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****previously posted on Just Found Out and Recovery****

Hi,
I'll try to keep this short. This year I made the biggest mistake of all my life: I had an affair. My marriage has always been difficult, but this makes things much worse.

It started with me switching careers and trying my hand at auto sales. I'm an artist / geek kind of guy and this proved to be quite a challenge. That's where I met the OW, S. She started working there a little after me, was an international student and about the same age as me. She was (and is) a very seductive woman.

I tried to avoid it as much as I could. I didn't have her phone number for 3 months. I defended my marriage in emails. But she wouldn't stop. Eventually she started talking about sex through many text messages and I got tempted. I couldn't control myself... I felt like I was in a fog, like I couldn't really see things.

I kissed her twice. And then, 2 days later, I told my wife.

She was destroyed. It was such a horrible feeling. Of course, she asked me to quit but I couldn't quit. I needed the money and I felt like a failure for quitting. I stayed there.

All I needed was to know that the OW was "ok". I tried to make sure she would go on with her life, but she started lashing at me, attacking me and my marriage. I started feeling guilty - a horrible feeling and one that I'm vulnerable to. Against my wife's wishes, I decided to be "a friend" and follow her from a distance.

As soon as S. saw that I wouldn't fully block her, she started on the sex again. My marriage was hurt from the A already, so things were very complicated at home. The lies started small... I didn't tell my wife that S. was talking to me through text messages. I thought I could handle it myself. Now I know that I have a problem trusting women (I have this deep seated fear of being hurt) and that prevented me from being honest. At this point, I still thought that I would keep control and stay away from her.

I would see S almost every day at the dealership. We texted. And eventually I started seeing her after work to "talk". I swear I wanted to be a friend to her, to make sure I didn't destroy her life or something like it... But she pulled me right back and I fell for it. It's my fault, not having been honest to my wife and my fault to expose us to her again.

S. started saying that we had to have sex. I kept saying no. After a couple of weeks, my resistance faded and we had sex. I felt horrible after that, but I was also falling in love against my will. We started seeing each other about 3 times a week from then on.

While all this happened, I was lying through my teeth to my wife. I didn't know how to handle the situation; I felt cornered. I knew I loved my wife and I kept giving her all the love I had... While, at the same time, leading a double life.

Through couples counseling, my wife became a better wife than she ever was. And I felt guiltier by the minute. I started pulling away from S, trying to break it off. Of course, she didn't want me to so she would have "freak outs" over text and phone, say she was pregnant (which was a lie) and then later theaten to tell my wife. She would say "I need to talk to her and show her how horrible you are. Then I'll confort her in her pain".

Every time I tried to walk away, she'd pull me right back. Through guilt, emotional and real blackmail. And when I gave up, she would "play nice" again. I had no idea how to deal with it.

6 months later, I finally decided to leave the job. I quit on a Saturday and saw S. again, just to talk, on Monday. This was 2 weeks ago and I told her I wanted to move on and focus on my marriage and on my career.

But S. wouldn't have it. Soon the blackmail started again. She started terrorizing me with the same lies and threats. So, yesterday, I decided to come clean and give this a full break. I couldn't handle the pain, the guilt, the fear. I wanted to do what's right.

I told my wife. She was speechless and very hurt. I'm hurting like ****** too. She talks about separating, but I'm begging her not to leave me. I want to redeem myself and make it right again, whatever the cost.

Yesterday still I started a "full disclosure" process. I gave my wife all my passwords, closed the hotmail account I used to use to communicate with S. (in front of my wife), changed my cell phone number. I will give my wife full access to my life so that, hopefully, I can recover her trust.

We have an emergency session at 3 PM today. I want to rebuild this marriage... I'm not a liar and I hate to have acted like one for the last 6 months. I truly love my wife and it kills me to have hurt her like this.

Thanks for reading this (now) very long post...

Luis


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Luis,

I am not one that can say a lot to you because i am a BS and had the same feelings your wife does.

Your story sounds a lot like mine however because the OW kind of seduced my H as well. I know that he could have chose not to do anything about her advances but that did not happen.

Please just continue to tell your wife everything all of the nasty stuff and all if she askes. My D-Day was in January of this year and i am still struggling with it. We have been married for 22 years and i fully trusted him now i do not know if i will ever have that same trust or feelings for him again. Sorry to tell you that but that is what happens after an A.

Everyone here says that it takes about 2 years to get over it and i have not even hit one year yet so maybe. I am not giving up hope. But you have done the right things so far.

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Luis Offline OP
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What really pisses me off is that I thought I had learned how to avoid infidelity. I tried everything I knew... Putting the relationship in the open, telling her I loved my wife, not getting her phone number for a long time. But she kept at it and, because I didn't leave the job, I was in constant withdraw. My inexperience and MY lack of trust undermined all my efforts...


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My H felt the same way coming from a broken home (his parents split when he was 12) he said he never wanted that for himself.

I still hate the OW for seducing my H even though like i said he could have said no to her.

I think i am still mad at him because i feel like he did not give me a chance to make our M better. I was blindsided. I did not see it coming at all because i did not know things were as bad as he thought they were.

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I feel the same way as a BS. My WH was seduced by the OW. She had wanted him from the day she came to work in his plant. She really started on him when he went into a mid-life crisis. He could have said no.

I didn't know things were that bad either. Here I am, 1 year after D-Day & he has lost his job because of her, using me as his crisis manager & just now started going through withdrawal effective 10-16-07.

He says he loves me but doesn't show me that he wants it to work. He says he still doesn't know what he wants & if he's happy.

Keep doing what you're doing to show your wife you are committed to her. Eventually, she will see that you mean it & respond. I wish mine had been so repentant when he got caught. I'm still in limbo.

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Luis Offline OP
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What breaks my heart is that she says "Oh, we've been married for a little over a year. Other couples have been together for YEARS". Like it would be easier to just give up...

I was an idiot the first time, to think that I had control, but now I IMMEDIATELY took steps - and in front of her. Still, she says she doesn't feel any love for me, nada, and that hurts so much!

How much time does this initial shock lasts? I can see in her eyes that she loves me... I can also see that she's going through a "wait and see" phase.

I just hate the fact that I was so weak. Thanks for your suport...


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I think the shock for me still has not worn off. I still keep wondering how he could do this to us.

Just keep trying though if you are truly sorry for what you did and show her everyday that you are sorry she will come around.

Have her come here and read or read the books suggested by a lot of the regulars here. I have not done that but most of them say it is a good thing to do.

Your wife is hurt right now and can not think straight either. Just keep doing what you are doing and hang in there.

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Luis...I personally feel that your wife would be better off divorcing you. You place way too much blame on the OW and how she wouldn't stop. You are the one that made vows and broke them. Since you have been married a short time and have no kids (assumption) I would recommend that she leave you.

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Luis Offline OP
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We have a lot together. We wrote a book and love being in each other's company. If the marriage didn't work at all, I would agree with you but I think I still can be a decent husband.

Of course I could have said no to the OW. I did it many times. But I wasn't strong enough to just STAY AWAY from her.


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Luis,
Your W is feeling some of the worst pain that she can feel. Her head is reeling, her ideas of who you were and even who she is have been shaken to the core. She is hurt, she is angry. She can't trust what you say. Heck, she can't even trust herself for not seeing it sooner. This has rocked her world.

Take a breath and get to work.

Full disclosure
Radical honesty
Transparency...passwords, etc
NC letter to the OW

Talk and listen to your wife. The shock is brutal. You're gonna hear lots of hard words. Be a man and let her vent. She will stop after awhile. Keep telling her that you are sorry. Show your remorse and your committment to your W.

Learn about MB here. Read, read read. Buy and read Surviving an Affair. Have her read it too. Send her here if she will come. We can help her.

Learn her top emtional needs and start meeting them, and stop with love busters (LB). Read about them here if you don't know what that all means.

This is difficult. Recovery is hard. Keep the channels of communication open.

First and foremost...NO CONTACT with OW ever again. Write the NC letter and that's it. You are done. Never talk to her, or answer a call, email, anything. If she tries, tell your W. Don't hide it.

You were addicted to the feeling that you got when you were with OW. She could have been anyone.

Work on you. You have to dig deep and figure out WHY you gave yourself permission to have an A.Learn what your weaknesses are and protect them. Don't ever let your guard down. A'proof your M.

OW is not to blame for your A. YOU ARE. She did not put a gun to your head, did she? This was your choice. OWN IT.

That's a start Luis. Now get going. Good luck.


BW(me)
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DDay PA 6/05
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Luis,
I also read a lot of blaming the OW in your post. While you may rationally understand that the affair was a result of your failings and them alone, I think that the true weight of that revelation has yet to sink in.

Have you quit your job at the dealership yet? If not, you need to do that asap. Call your boss and tell him that you had an affair with the girl there, that she has harassed you and tried to blackmail you into staying with her, and the only way for you to break it off and fix your marriage is to quit.
That will be a good first step in showing your wife that you are serious. Get a job wherever you can, but you CANNOT work there if you want to recover your marriage.

Also, you have to be completely honest with her. Thats the problem I am having with my wife right now. We have been married a year, and she had a 1-month affair 6 months ago. Every time I try and speak to her, her mood just plummets and she usually starts crying. I want her to look past her own pain and try to feel what I am feeling. Even though it hurts her to talk about it, she needs to do everything she can for me. The best thing she could do right now is to speak to me matter-of-factly and not break down so that I end up feeling guilty.
I suspect your wife will want the same level of commitment and honesty from you. So be very careful about how you react to her questions and needs. You need to put her needs over your own desire to avoid your shame.


ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
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First of all, if this woman was such a good seductress, why weren't all the men at the dealership involved with her? Hmmmm, I would have to hazzard a guess that you craved the attention she was giving you, so you became her 'mark', easy prey, didn't even REALLY struggle.

This is about YOU, not OW, so stop focusing on her at all. You are responsible for your decision to conduct an affair. You can only control yourself, and YOU chose to have and emotional and physical relationship with another woman. I think you have some MAJOR work to do on yourself here, Luis, before you will even be able to trust your own decision making process.

MEDC makes a very good point, so if you want your wife to stay, you better start FIXING yourself.


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I quit the dealership about 2 weeks ago. In fact, every single employee was hitting on her - from a sales manager that has a 2-month baby with his 2nd wife to the nice Mexican guy that always seemed so traditional. She craves the attention, yes, and I was the idiot that "got" her.

It's entirely my fault. I fell for it, easy prey and now my marriage is at risk. I just went to my personal therapy and then couples therapy... I've never been in so much pain.

The girl is still trying to reach me, after being blocked on email and cell phone. I should have taken that measure MONTHS ago, but I blindly believed that:

a) I was strong enough
b) NC was "not fair" to her

I don't intend to comit the same mistake again. Since yesterday, my wife knows EVERYTHING that happens, every msg (there were 2 already, just today).

Sorry if I'm the bad guy here. Yes, I'm the idiot that cheated. I don't want to be this person anymore.


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how is she getting messages to you if you changed your number? and your email? i don't get that.

mlhb


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Quote
The girl is still trying to reach me, after being blocked on email and cell phone.


How is she reaching you then if you've changed your e-mail & cell phone #? A NC (no-contact) letter needs to be written w/your W's (wife's) approval. You can check out the site to see an example of one.

Quote
I don't want to be this person anymore.

Then doing the hard work will be mostly in your lap then. Your W has w/drawn from you. Rightly so. She probably is taking a "wait & see" attitude. She's hurt. The man she thought she could trust has just ripped her heart out. What people here would like you to focus on right now is not your OWN pain, but your W's. You keep saying "This is painful, this is painful". Well yeah. It IS painful. For both parties. However, you have GOT to put your feelings of self-pity aside right now (the guilt, the shame) & focus on your W's pain. You have to be empathetic right now.

Total transparency will gain the trust back. But, this will take time. Are you prepared for the long haul? IC & MC are essential. Communication exercises so you know how to communicate w/your W w/o committing LB's. Listening to her pain & knowing how to respond is essential. How are you working on these things?


RBW (me) FWH lostboyz
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Luis Offline OP
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I thought I had blocked her in Gmail, but I didn't. Now I have a filter in place. I'm trying to find something more drastic, but this seems to be the best alternative.

The problem with the letter is that I don't have her exact address. And my wife doesn't want to get involved either.

Yesterday, I said to the girl, on the phone "I'll tell my wife what I did and you will never hear from me again".

I intend to keep this promise.


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If she's calling the home number, you need to have it changed and unlisted. Sounds like you are dealing with the town bicycle; eventually, somebody else will take a ride.

We all understand that you are in pain; you must realize how much MORE pain your wife is dealing with, from SHOCK alone, much less the pain that lies beneath that.

Read this letter
[color:"blue"]Trueheart's Letter

Thank you for taking the time and effort to read this letter. I am writing this in hopes that your BS has brought you here in order that you might understand you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. It is intended to give you a measure of comfort and hope that you can feel safe as you come out the fog that has enveloped you so tightly over the past weeks, months, or years.

I do not know m any of you by name, nor do I know of all the details or circumstances surrounding your life, or your affair(s). What I do know is that we share two very important things in our lives and makes us somewhat connected as a WS. I am hoping that I can help you come back to the light, so that you can come back to the light that has, for so long, shielded you with that dense fog you may still be in.

The first thing that we share is the love of a person that totally, completely, and unconditionally stand by our side. Through thick and thin, for better or worse, in our darkest hours, we have someone that has always believed in us, and still does. They have put up with our lies, our anger, our accusations, and maybe in some cases verbal and/or physical abusiveness. They have watched us trash us the things they believed in more than anything in the world...our marriage, our vows, our trust and our love. In spite of it all, they see in us their hopes, their dreams, and their futures. They can't, nor do they want to, see themselves without us for the rest of their lives. They accept our imperfections and our infidelity as we have strayed from that which we know is wrong. They have continued to believe in us and want to help us right the ship and stay the course. They are willing to forgive us, grant us our mistakes, and come home to rebuild that life and make it better. They know they are not perfect, as well.

They know they have made mistakes. They need us to open up, talk to them and give them answers so that they can learn, heal, and help repair the damage. They will accept their responsibility in these things. Can you?

We, most of us, alsoe have children that look at us, and see only the love of a Mom or a Dad. They don't see us as imperfect, scared, or angry. They see us as a shelter, a safe haven where they can laugh, cry, hurt, be silly or serious, and tell us their fears or fantasies. We are their safety net when they fall. They look to us for answers in life, no matter how big or small the answers are. Our life changed, no matter much we didn't want it to when we helped create that life. We owe our children the best chance to learn from us. We owe them our unconditional, total, and complete love, so that they can start on the journey with as few bumps and bruises as possible. They look to you for truth in their lives. To deny them that chance, is a travesty.

You took an oath, in your heart and mind, to protect and defend and teach YOUR child, as soon as they were created. So, you see, you have people in your life that believe in you, love you, accept you, want you, need you, cherish you, and the list goes on and on.

I know for a fact, that many of you, when with the OP, badmouth your spouse. You tell the OP how they do all the right things, fill you up, make you feel alive, do all the things your spouse does not, or used to do. You tell this person they are everything you ever wanted. They arouse you, they make you happy...interesting how you told your spouse that at one time too. And, the truth is, if you were to search your heart, you are not letting them do that now. They want to, they beg you to let them try...you justify your A, by telling them "I just don't feel that for you anymore", "I don't know if I want to be married anymore", "I dont know what I want", and a myriad of other flimsy reasons and excuses to buy time to spend with the OP. You give justifications that are so superficial they can't hold water.

We even search our minds to think of everything that our spouse ever did, no matter how insignificant, how long ago it was, in order to make us feel better about cheating. We can find any reason to blame our spouse for US deciding and making a conscious choice to cheat and find a reason to say it is ok.

What we should be doing is finding every reason for our BS to forgive us. We should be finding every reason to stay together, to come home, to make it right, to be a family...loving and supportive, forgiving and trusting. And you know what? Those reasons are there...everyday...the smile, the laugh, the tears, the love....they are there each and everyday!! Just look!!!

The second thing we share is the fact that we are all weak!! I know full well the pain, anger, frustration, fear, embarrassment, passion, fun, laughter, love, fear, and all the rest of the wide range of emotions of having an A.

I know what is like to have that OP fill up your senses...so full and so fast you wonder how you ever made it without them. The sex is great, the passion is overwhelming, you can't wait to see them, touch them, hear them...all the while drifting further and further from your marriage...lost in the fog. NO matter how we justify it, that other person...is a cheater, as well. They know we are married and they choose to cheat with us. And in many cases, probably have before, and have told the other person they are with, all the same, exact things they tell us. "You are my soulmate" "you are the only one for me" etc etc. We have heard em all and said em all. We have been told they can make us happy "for the rest of our lives". WE have been so blinded by it all, that we give up family and friends we have had for years, in order for this OP to feel safe with us and convince them how we feel. We take all the energies that we don't use at home, and give them to someone "new". We spend money, time, and energy to build something with someone exciting, instead of spending that with someone that knows us and truly loves us.

You see, the truth is, that we, both members of the affair, are very good at one thing....telling each other exactly what we want to hear. We put together elaborate speeches, write poetry, find mushy cards, send the "perfect" gifts, say the right things...all for this other person. Both of us continue to hone our "cheating" skills to the point of perfection. What ever happened to doing that to your spouse, instead of leaving them at the side of the road with a flat tire? We have derailed their entire life and emotionally checked out...in order to make us feel better about the affair. That simply isn't right. We took years to build something. We may have taken several years to weaken the foundation of it. But in one simple night of lust, and that is what it is, lust, we tried to destroy it. If we truly "loved" this person, if we truly believed what we were doing is right, true, and good, there would be no indecision on our part. There would be no hesitancy at all.

The bottom line is that, you can trust the person you are cheating with less than you can trust yourself. It is a proven fact that only 25% of all affairs ever make it. Deep down in your heart, you still love your spouse, and you know it. You don't want to give up the excitement and passion you have found. The truth is that your marriage will never again go back to what it was. The blind faith in each other is gone....it is replaced with doubt and fear. The wonderful thing is that you now have a chance to "rediscover" your spouse, your marriage, and your family.

It is not as hard as you may think, but will take some dedication on your part. But the beauty of the whole thing is you will be stronger and more in love than you ever thought you could be. You create new memories, new routines, a new life. You re-commit, reinvest your time and energies in that which truly loves you.

The truth is most affairs end when the OP either gets what they thought they needed from you, and even more of them end when the OP finds another WS. Oddly enough, you weren't enough for them either. In the end you are left with no loving spouse, no children, no family, no friends.....and your OP that was so steadfastly dedicated to you is off romping with "the love of their life".

I know from whence I speak, my friends. I know of the pain, the sorrow, the hurt, the look in my childrens eyes when I left the house. I hear the sounds of my W crying, begging, pleading, and hurting. I now see what a fool I was.

I now spend everyday, more happy than I ever thought I could be. If the world were to end tomorrow, she would know I loved her as no other. No, she won't ever forget about the A, and along the way, there will be things that will trigger her mind, but, she has forgiven. You need to talk to your spouse to help them. YOU are the only one that can help them. They need you, much more now than ever before. You have to swallow that pride of yours, for them to heal. You have to open your life up to them, and hide nothing. You have to make it about them. The affair was making it about you, so now you owe it to them, no matter how embarrassed you are, no matter how much you don't wnat to talk about it, to make it about them. Their piece of mind, their feelings are all that matter.

They know, from being here, what they need to do in order to help meet your needs. It is now up to you, to learn what you need to do in order to meet theirs. And make no mistake about it, it will be hard work, but it is oh so worth it!! This person you married, is willing to work with you in order to show you the love you deserve!!

Are you willing to work to show them how much you truly love them??

By being here, at Marriage Builders, they have shown that they are willing to adopt the principles that it takes to put their marriage back together. They have pledged their love, and even their support, to your recovery, as well as theirs. They have accepted the crumbs you have offered them, while knowing full well you were at the buffet with the other person in your life.

You have one of the strongest, most committed, most wonderful, loving, and caring people in the world on your side. Don't expect them not be angry from time to time. Don't expect them to be perfect, let you off the hook, and not talk about it with you. They need and want to understand you and all the things surrounding what happened. It is part of the healing process.

What you can expect is love, honesty, and the rebuilding of your marriage.

They know what it takes to make things work now. They also know that they, as well as you, have to be stronger than ever before in their life, if this is going to work. That is why they are still here...they understand.

They even know, that you may backslide in the beginning, but are willing to deal with that, in order to preserve and protect that which they believe in ......YOU. I implore you, WS, burn off the fog. See the sand that is your foundation for the affair. There is no solid basis for this relationship..it is all smoke and mirrors that reflects this "love" you have found. Run, do not walk, back home and give your marriage all the energy, gifts, poems, cards, and love that you have given to the affair. The results are remarkable. But you have to be willing to be honest with yourself, first of all. You have to admit there is a problem, and you have to be willing to fix it, with your spouse, a counselor, whatever or whoever it takes to fix it. You have to be willing to want to be there in mind, body, and spirit. You will find a love more wonderful than anything you knew before.

I hope this helps, in some way, to show you what life can be after an affair. I know that I am blessed with the most wonderful person. I was given the opportunity to feel what life was like without her, and it was not what I wanted. I found the answers I sought...I found them both here, and in her arms. I can only hope, that in some small way, you find the same thing, and that I helped the fog to lift. If you ever wish to talk to someone who understands what we WS go through, then feel free to write [email]me...trueheart42@hotmail.com.[/email] There is a path back home. You need only choose it! Keep the faith!

*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*

Truehear [/color]


Me-BS-38
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Divorced April 2009
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The most difficult thing for me is that she says it's hard for her to even touch me. We are talking and comunication is good, but she is keeping her distance.

I know I sound like a whiny kid, but I have no family and very few friends in this country. The lack of physical contact KILLS ME. I'm more vulnerable than most - I have some unresolved childhood issues. That's why I keep complaining about pain, etc.

My sole strength is the fact I'm not lying anymore. I'm being a MAN for the first time in months. I'm trying my best to mend things, but I know we have a long way ahead...


By biggest mistake... How can I redeem myself?

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