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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 35
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I was involved in a brief EA this summer with my friends H. We were caught and ended it. His wife, my former friend, has a history of A's. During my EA with her H, he often questioned me about what she had told me over the many years of our friendship. I never felt comfortable sharing anything with him about it as she was still my friend.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I ran into a former mutual friend of my friend. Now we both do not consider her a friend. We discussed her and this mutual friend made mention of our former friends long term A. She assumed I knew. I did not. She went on to tell me that it went on for years and could still be going on for all she knows. I was horrified as the man was one my OM close friends. They no longer speak either over an incident this summer involving his wife.

No question, my former friend and her H, my former OM, have a horrible marriage. I feel terrible though about this news I've discovered. I want to tell him. I know how to reach him and could spill the beans. Should I? I know that I would be betraying my H by contacting my OM, but I really would do so as a friend...not to start anything. I'm done.

My OM has been my friend for many years just like his wife was. Since I've been a BS, I would want him to tell me if the tables were turned.

What should I do?

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Doesn't your loyalty lie with your husband? Why would you be willing to betray him over something that shouldn't even matter to you? You are not the OM's friend, nor is he yours. Your actions ruined that friendship and damaged your marriage. Why would you risk it?

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DO NOT CONTACT OM. He is none of your business anymore. You burned that bridge and your loyalty lies with your husband. OM does not concern you.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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I've been a BS. I wish someone, ANYONE would have told me. Don't you?

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So ask your husband to tell him for you.

Joined: Aug 2007
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Sounds like an excuse to have contact with OM. Your mutual friend or your husband can tell him.

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First, why do you refer to him has "my OM"? Shouldn't it be XOM? Second, as many others have said, you should NEVER have any contact with OM again! It is breaking your H's trust that he has been able to build up. You are using this as an excuse to have some sort of contact with the OM. The fact that you are still talking about the OM with a "friend" tells me that you aren't over the OM, coupled with the way you've chosen to refer to this man. I'm in counseling regarding my own issues and in our case, it's NOT in our(my H and my relationship) best interest to notify the spouse of the xOP. We need to concentrate on our own recovery, not worry about the OP and their M. IF she is, in fact, having a long term A, whether it's PA or EA, the truth will come out one way or another. Let this sleeping dog lie, and focus on your own M and your BH.


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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Did you and your BH ever expose YOUR affair to OM's wife? NC letter?


AKA VowsRSacred/ VRS Me 44 WH 46 dd Mar 7 06 Dday 2 Jan 19 07 EA and PA DD 19 DS 10 DS 7 DD 4
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Quote
I've been a BS. I wish someone, ANYONE would have told me. Don't you?

Sounds like a good excuse to hurt your husband and break NC. Not. Someone should tell him, just not YOU. That would definitely be a catalyst to rekindling your affair again. Is it worth risking your marriage to tell this POS OM about his wife's affair? The two of them seem meant for each other, both of them having affairs and all.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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As others have said, do not talk to OM. One thing that struck me was your user name. Misshim....Do you?


W (me) 44
H 43
Married 19 years
DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8
Joined: Oct 2000
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Did you and your BH ever expose YOUR affair to OM's wife? NC letter?



If this is directed at me, my BH actually TALKED to xom's W. We didn't have the MB support during our initial D-day, began posting in Oct of 2000, and D-day was July 2000. I told xom to leave me alone, BH even told him that if he would just leave us alone, he would see if he could get the charges dropped with the xom's command. Didn't work, xom was a psycho stalker and we were SO happy when he got kicked out of the military and sent home.

Our counseling isn't due to that, or at least not totally. It's more about the fact that the xow from my first D-day(I was the BW first, but that would NEVER excuse MY own behavior) didn't stay an "X", and my RWH(recovering wayward H) sent her an NC email and has sent to me any correspondence she has sent, and told me the one and only time she's called him. Their's was not a PA this time, but would have been had they been close enough(different coasts).

That is what we are dealing with now, something that we just swept under the rug fifteen years ago, and left till it was more than 1000 feet tall, and we'd just walk around it. Well, now we have thrown away all the "rugs" in our relationship so we have nothing to sweep things under, and things are going so much better. Do I expect it always to be this way? I can hope, but I also know that there will be bumps, pot holes, and much larger things that could come our way. We will strive to continue to deal with them in the way we are doing now. Oh, and we have NOT told xow's BH, with the recommendation from my counselor. I agree. It would just cause this xow to feel justified in further contact. There are things that I was able to do that she didn't know it was me, and when she found out(nothing illegal, just a file about MY H, including pictures that I deleted) then felt that my RWH broke the contact, and so she could email him. I've talked to my counselor, and she feels the same as I do. It would be nice to feel the vindication, and know that the xow's H knows, but I don't think it would help in MY and OUR recovery.

As for misshim, the OM is referred to, by her, as MY OM, and this A she wants to reveal to him is by HIS W, but NOT with HER H. It doesn't involve her or her recovery, other than to toss what she may have accomplished so far down the drain. I don't CARE, it is walking that fine line, and she seems more concerned with the OM than with what the contact could do to her M. This man can NEVER be her friend again, because they have crossed that line! Now, why can't this other friend that she was gossiping with about om's W let om know? Then, misshim can be satisfied. Personally, I don't think that it is any of misshim's business, or that she has totally let this guy go! If she doesn't HER H will end up like me, years down the road, with ANOTHER D-day! It's NOT fun, especially when it's something or someone you thought was long gone and buried.

So, to answer your question to me, the xom's W in my sitch was told, the xow's H in my sitch has not been told. Each situation is totally different, because every person is different. And, misshim isn't even a part of om's life anymore, according to her, but it sure doesn't seem that way. That's why I said to her what I said.

Any more questions for me, I'll be glad to answer them. I'm not ashamed to share our journey or my part in it. BUT, don't confuse that with not being ashamed with my actions. I will never try to justify what I've done, but I've asked forgiveness, and have been forgiven by the only two people who matter in my life in regard to this. I have to let the xow and xom in our situations live their own lives and make their own decisions. Things happen for a reason, some of which we'll never know. I'm happy with the way things are going and heading in our M now, and pray that we can continue with the radical honesty, and depositing into each other's love banks!


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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No Tigger, I was asking Misshim...sorry for the confusion.


AKA VowsRSacred/ VRS Me 44 WH 46 dd Mar 7 06 Dday 2 Jan 19 07 EA and PA DD 19 DS 10 DS 7 DD 4
Joined: Oct 2000
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That's ok, maybe I needed to share for someone else to read about my recent experiences and past who may be going through the same things now. No harm, no foul.


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)

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