Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 977
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 977
WAT... hope you aren't the one to pick the curtains?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Nice to "see you" and I'm jealous of the on-the-waterfront home... totally cool!



Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,473
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,473
WAT!!
So glad life is good for you.
All the best.

SS


I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 8,069
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 8,069
Hola Dave [WAT]!

Merry Christmas to you and your squeeze.

Lv,
Jo

p.s. Glad you took some time out from washing your shoe laces to visit us.

Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 5,312
_
Member
Offline
Member
_
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 5,312
This thread is a blessing to me and other newbies/rookies. Thanks to all you 'seasoned MB vets' or as K calls himself "overbaked vet" for coming out of the lurking woodwork and posting your successes.

K encouraged me to keep 'imploring the vets' to post your/their successes. A newbie just posted this morning about how that Success Story thread has helped her.

For those that have already posted, thanks for sharing. If you haven't, please do so before you wander away, even if it's the cliff notes version of your recovery.

Again, thanks,
Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 5,312
_
Member
Offline
Member
_
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 5,312
WAT....I've told Bob P., and I've told Weaver/Josie...but I haven't been able to tell you THANKS for your links on delayed exposure to OPS.

No time to elaborate now, but if you have a few moments, you can check out my 'strange story' timeline attached to my sig line. YOUR POSTS were very instrumental in helping my WH and me rebuild trust so that he's earned his F as in Former now.

THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH,

Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
Quote
Ah, er, minor correction: A "home ON the water" - not in front of the water.


Well I'll be dipped, the boy went and got himself a houseboat! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
Hey, there's NB, too.

Quote
My H and I got rid of our internet last year and it has been a GOD SEND. We play games, watch TV, and talk tons. The only time I get online is before/after work or during lunch - from my office computer. It's not that we couldn't get a computer, because we've thought of it several times, but... we don't... because the temptation to read and write(for me, especially) is too great.


Me too. Now if only my boss would follow suit and get rid of this one I have at work! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
Quote
This thread is a blessing to me and other newbies/rookies. Thanks to all you 'seasoned MB vets' or as K calls himself "overbaked vet" for coming out of the lurking woodwork and posting your successes.

Does that make them termites? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
Quote
Hey, there's NB, too.

Quote
My H and I got rid of our internet last year and it has been a GOD SEND. We play games, watch TV, and talk tons. The only time I get online is before/after work or during lunch - from my office computer. It's not that we couldn't get a computer, because we've thought of it several times, but... we don't... because the temptation to read and write(for me, especially) is too great.


Me too. Now if only my boss would follow suit and get rid of this one I have at work! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I'm really bad, then...

I have two desktops and a laptop in my office here at work, and two laptops and a desktop on my desk below my telescope at home.

My W has one laptop, and she checks her email every morning while I'm getting ready for work. I wish she wouldn't, because I have no absolute knowledge that she doesn't have inappropriate contacts there. But she doesn't know how much time I spend on M-related websites, either (arguably "safer" than having an internet affair, of course, but she doesn't know I'm not doing that, either!).

I wish we could could POJA everything and be open books 2 one another, but the simple and perhaps sad truth is that we can't, at least not yet. We do something of a POJA kind of thang in our own way, but it's not as RH as MB POJA.

I've tried 2 demand something like that in the past (last time about 5 years ago), but have always known that if she (or I) or anyone WANTS 2 hide some secret aspect of their lives, it's very easy 2 do. So, I try things that will evoke compassion and responsibility from my family members, my W in particular. And I try 2 be a responsible and moral adult myself.

-ol' 2long

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,473
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,473
And I try 2 be a responsible and moral adult myself.

You are pretty moral, but RESPONSIBLE???
SS thinks.............

OK, I think you are responsible too.
Yes, ................. that seems to fit well.

I just had to reconcile it with the image in my mind of a jolly old elf. (does lively and quick fit?)

SS


I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
Quote
at least not yet.


It's a process, I am finding out. GB and I are both very independent. He has never been married before and only lived for a very short period of time with one women, and I am pretty much the same as far as mostly living alone.

We have to tread very carefully as far as demands on the other. Demands absolutely will not work with either one of us, him even more so.

We managed to POJA a few things such as:

My MB time, and his desire to have one night at Coach's Corner for 5 cent chicken wings and beers with his buds. We have decided to allow each other that, but will let the other know if it becomes a problem for either.

It's such a process to change old habits, patterns that develop over time.

I decided with GB just to take one thing at a time that I would really like to see happen, and work on that one thing.

I am a health nut. I can't stand processed food of any kind...don't even own a microwave. Cook all my own food from scratch, including bread. He is a junk food junkie and his health is getting bad. I am also a very big believer in our bodies being governed by our mind... all alien nut speak to him. So I am slowly introducing him to my whacked out metaphysical mentality. You can see I have my work cut out for me with this one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It sounds from everything you are writing here lately that you and your wife are moving in the right direction. Identifying areas where you would like to see change in your life-style/relationship and then one thing at a time.

You've got time. Marriage is a life time work of art. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 10,060
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 10,060
Quote
WAT....I've told Bob P., and I've told Weaver/Josie...but I haven't been able to tell you THANKS for your links on delayed exposure to OPS.

Hi Ace - it warms my heart to receive your thanks. I am certain it likewise affects bob, Weave, and other MBers who have offered their advice and insights. I, like many other vets, no longer actively participate on this forum. I have several reasons for ending my participation, not the least of which is that my personal recovery requires it. It's no longer wise for me to be reminded of my painful experiences through others' stories. But while I was active, writing posts and attempts to help others was a big part of my recovery - that in itself was therapeutic. Here's why: Even though I wasn't successful in restoring my marriage, my interaction with those who were successful provided positive reinforcement that I had done the right things for my situation. I never gave up and my former wife continued to make all the decisions to end our marriage and marry her OM, my former friend, and pallbearer for our deceased child. In the end, I exited the trauma of both losing a child and losing my marriage guilt free, ready to start a new and better life - in both cases I did everything in my power to save my precious valuables. Hence, I have no regrets and I don't and can't look back - except to apply the valuable relationship skills I learned along the way to my new relationship and to appreciate life's every moments for they can be dramatically altered in an instant. I am a better man and I am busy being happy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I encourage you to help others here and when the time is right, pass along the torch to someone else to carry, and leave this place to continue your life smarter and wiser. I am convinced you need to leave to fully recover.

WAT

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,423
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,423
WAT - I want to thank you specifically for your guidance when I first came here. You are the one that I remember the most in reaching out and pulling me up. You helped me find direction, you helped me find hope, when the life as I knew it was over.

I heard you - through my pain and desperation - I heard you.

I am so glad that you came back for a drive-by, I've hoped for the opportunity to thank you.

I am so happy to hear that your life is going so well. Congratulations!

Fox/Wildhorses (formerly foxnhound1)

Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
WAT,

Every time I read your story, your loss, it about breaks my heart. And to see that you are living in joy now, with the love of a good woman, that your son is doing well and in college... is just about the most wonderful thing to read.

You seem to have made a most amazing life for yourself...the kind dreams are made of. And of course I know that it has nothing to do with any fairies.

Your story is very inspiring!

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
WAT is cool <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

That's my professional opinion.

-ol' 2long

Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,121
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,121
Ohhh myyy goodness!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

How great to hear from so many MB "oldie moldies"!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT,,a special request before you take off again for the high seas!
The links on your "Exposure 101" thread are broken. And I think the ones on your BS thread in JFO are also. I contacted JustUss and s/he said they were difficult to fix because the name on the link is not the name of the original post. Could you perhaps fix them or get ahold of JustUss so they can be fixed? Those are such valuable posts.

((((((((old MBer's))))))))) I miss you all!!

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Quote
Hi all, and Season's Greetings.

2long tiped me off to this reunion.

I and the "love of my life" are doing very well - together over five years now. I acquired my retirement "home on the water" last December and we plan to start cruising the world in spring 09. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Aloha WAT,

Good to hear from you bro'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> 5 years??!?! Where's the time gone? Wow. So when will we get more details? Do I need to bribe you to come sailing over in the big blue? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Know someone is in charge of one of the local yacht clubs on this rock. Me, I only touch the ocean where I can walk, swim or scuba in it. Maybe a little boogie boarding. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Not much of a boaty person. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Now if we can only hear from Rick37, NSR, Alberta, NB, Topie and the rest of the gang that kept me together waaaay back when. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Grateful to you all....

Good to hear from ya WAT!!

Aloha,
L.

Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 5,312
_
Member
Offline
Member
_
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 5,312
Hey Orchid,

Quote
Rick37, NSR, Alberta, NB, Topie and the rest of the gang that kept me together waaaay back when.

Thanks for more names for our K-inspired 'success story hunt through the MB archives' after RIF gets back.

A newbie, FreeToBeMe1970 was looking for LG's story but couldn't find it. If all MB Vets had their success stories linked to their sig lines (even if there was nothing else there) it could inspire newbies and rookies even more.

What's your story, Orchid? Could you please post it on the Success Stories thread and/or link it to your sig line?

Thanks to you and all MB Vets for all you do around here. It makes is soooo much easier for us VITs (MB Vets-in-training!) to developed the skills we'll need when the guard changes.

Quote
I encourage you to help others here and when the time is right, pass along the torch to someone else to carry, and leave this place to continue your life smarter and wiser. I am convinced you need to leave to fully recover.

WAT

Could you please explain that a little more, WAT? Could it true for some but possibly not for others?

Thanks,
Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 6,937
K
K Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 6,937
Quote
Could you please explain that a little more, WAT? Could it true for some but possibly not for others?

I love putting words in Dave's mouth, so I'll take a shot.

Real participating by 'old-timers' amounts to a counseling relationship (I'm not talking about party threads). You learn about your client (the poster), you get them to fill out the details, you help to teach them the material (links to MB stuff, details of past situations, etc.), try to help them to recognize the situation for themselves and formulate a plan that they're comfortable with and understand.

That's work. Especially for most of us, who are not trained in this field (or play a counselor on TV). Therapists are also trained to compartmentalize their professional life---and situation here can pull on your heartstrings, especially those that are dear and familiar to your own personal life/strife. Dave's story is heartbreaking on so many levels (as are many around here)---although I don't agree with some of his advice, I understand where it's coming from. And if I were in his shoes, I'd probably have a "Policy of Running an ex-F(r)iend through a WoodChipper" in my advice too... If you haven't learned to successfully compartmentalize your time here helping, you're not going to be able to guard yourself against old triggers. Most who stay here do so because they see the good, and throw themselves into it full stream. It's admirable, but hard. And you find as time goes on, you give shorter answers to people because it's the 375th time you've addressed this particular issue. You start to get upset at their situation And then maybe you get upset with yours. All these aspects can hinder a personal recovery.

Add on top of that, once you're in a successful relationship (a recovered marriage, a new marriage), that you're not going to have time for this board. You're supposed to spend 15 hours/week with your spouse. If you're here for 40 hours/week, and you have a day job---something is bound to suffer.

So, that's some of the philosophy behind tapering down and eventually leaving. But while you can check out---apparently you can never really leave... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,747
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,747
A gem of a thread !!!

Anyone fortunate enough to get advice and support from the folks on here should be very fortunate.

I couldn't agree more with spending so much time on here. I feel guilty at times for not giving back as much as I received...

K.... you are so wise...and your advice is stellar...you reached out to me years ago briefly...and your posts are incredibly clear and to the point. It's good to see folks getting GOOD advice.

this thread should be a sticky...some of the most respected MBers around can all be found right here.


DDAY 2/25/04
Plan A 3/1/04
Recovery started 4/14/04....still going strong
.... and quite happy.
Page 4 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (Overcomer4513), 140 guests, and 49 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,804
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5