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Joined: Nov 2004
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Took another poster here to make me a thread of my own...

I can change the title to say whatever you want.

You're in recovery...having your own thread, where you can vent, question, receive and give is terrific.

Hope you like it...kinda bare...like the beginning of recovery...great things can grow here.

You're wrestling a lot of stuff many of us FWW did...you're not alone.

LA

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*dumbfounded*

*tears still streaming down face*

Thank you so much. I will pull myself together and come back and share my tale. I need lots of help.

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Hi!! One step at a time, k? What's a hurry ever got you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

So take your time pulling yourself together...i think I saw a leg in the kitchen...

LOL..

Anyone got some duct tape??

MM...sweetie, YOU are great! you will be fine...we've all been there in some form or fashion...

Welcome to the family, sorry you here!

i'm Rin!


A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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{{{{Maggie}}}}

I've read your posts on numerous threads. It's evident you are a very smart caring woman!

It's evident "and a good thing" you are compationate toward FWS/WS, having been there done that. Me too... Your not alone.

I do see you taking general comments personal, or maybe out of context. Mostly I believe because they strike a personal nerve.

I suspect I am also guilty of reading your posts out of context, and for that I apologize. (Your "Poor woman" reply in just found out).

Welcome, -JKT

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Maggie...

If I were you, I would start my OWN THREAD...that way YOU can change the title at your whim...You are a strong woman...You can do that yourself...I would encourage you to "step out of the boat" and do just that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Maggie I agree with MrsW. You need more than just hugs OK?


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Ok guys, I'm going to try and not write a novel, just give you the basics. I will answer any and all questions honestly.

We've been married for just over 7 years. For the past 5 years, things have been rocky. I think most of that is because I went to grad school, and my H made a lot of sacrifices for me to do that, even though he has never finished his BA. I threw myself into grad school completely, honestly it's like I was having an A with grad school.

H wasn't interested in SF anymore. He started working longer hours. When I was done with school, these things didn't change, even though I was now giving my attention back to him. I even came to marriage builders and we did the questionnaires. We were not meeting each others needs at all, and promised to "work" on it...but we never really did.

After graduating I got a high-level job with good pay and became the primary wage earner. Where we live my H could not really get work in his field, but he worked his tail off anyway, often working late hours. We rarely were able to spend time together.

About 2 years of this, and I started feeling bored and neglected. I started drinking after work, waiting for him to come home (he worked a very inconsistent schedule.) I did all the housework, paid all the bills, initiated the rare SF (he claimed to just not be interested.) I started to become angry and resentful.

At about this time to OM started hanging around at my neighbors house. We would hang out there and drink almost every night. I started not caring about anything: my job, my home, or my marriage. I loved the attention form OM. Even though he was 14 years younger than me, had a GED, and had been in prison 3 times, he was meeting my ENs for admirations, and it was obvious that he was sexually attracted to me. One night we had a discussion where he asked me questions about what was going on in my marriage, and I broke down and told him "everything" (it was actually a lot of BS and revisionist history)

The next day I told my H that I was in love with someone else, that he obviously wasn't happy in the M, so why didn't we just end things. He didn't want to end things. I told him I was going to be with OM anyway.

My weird justification for a lot of what I did was that my H was "just my best friend - like a great roomate." So I treated him as such, telling him every detail of the A as it was happening. I rewrote my history to everyone and had my friends, colleagues, and family cheering me on (some of them even expressed awe at what a "cougar" I was. *shudder*)

But I never quite managed to file for D or actually leave. I cake-ate (is that the right tense?) for months on end. There was no way OM could have met my needs for intellectual conversation - I couldn't even discuss my work with him because he didn't understand it. So H was meeting those needs while OM was meeting the baser ones.

Somewhere in here my H lost his job. I was financially supporting my H and my OM, as well as the A. Things weren't so "fun" anymore. I started spending more nights at home.

Around this point I started cluing in to how much the OM was lying to me. Rumors were starting to swirl that he was actually gay, and using me as a sugarmomma (later verified as true). Strange phone calls from drug dealers with even stranger justifications for them.

I started reaching out to my husband more, and had some burts of de-fogging. H loved me for who I was, not as a fantasy or an open wallet. But I kept going on with the A, I was addicted.

In august, OM and I went out of town to go to a family function of his. He started talking to me about marriage. I remember looking him in the eye and saying, "but I'm still married." I was slowly starting to wake up. Too slowly.

The next morning, I walked in on OM and his mother doing lines of cocaine together at 9am. I packed up my things and drove the 5 hours home, alone. I did a lot of thinking, and crying on that ride home.

I came home and asked H for forgiveness. He offered it. I established NC, although it took me changing my phone number in october to get OM to stop texting me.

I am still dealing with the destruction I've caused. I still get foggy with anger at OM for using me. I still use DJs on my husband when I am left to take care of everything, get little SF, and am now left alone alot again with H's new job.

I am trying to get a job in a different region of the country where H can have better opportunity and we won't be around so much triggering stuff.

I feel tired and alone. I've been reading here voraciously for a few weeks. I want a plan. Can I plan A, even though I am the FWW?

Any suggestions, advice, clue-by-4s, etc. are welcome. I want my marriage to be awesome. I can see that it can be, just not sure how to get there.

Thank you.

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JKT, you were right to call me out on that one. That poster reminded me of my OM and so I did a knee-jerk. I'll get better at this.

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I missed you all telling me to start my own thread, because I was busy writing!

Is it ok if I stay here for now? LA's generosity really helped give me the guts to do this.

And gosh darn it, I like this thread title because it's SO Stuart Smalley! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

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I missed you all telling me to start my own thread, because I was busy writing!

Is it ok if I stay here for now? LA's generosity really helped give me the guts to do this.

And gosh darn it, I like this thread title because it's SO Stuart Smalley! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sure you can choose to stay here...I just think it would be wise for you to have your own thread...You could change the title on your own whim as I said previously AND I think that it would be a courageous thing to do...Shows you to be taking necessary steps on your own...You would only have to copy/paste your major post to the new thread...up to you...

Yes, you can certainly Plan A your husband...That would be a very wise choice Maggie...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Maggie - it's your choice of course. Just be wary of the soulspeakers a thread started by LA will be likely to attract.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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soulspeakers? clue me in, please?

As long as "best______" and "back" stay away, I'm feelin' good about my chances <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Anyhoo, started my own thread. Come visit me over there!

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Maggie - it's your choice of course. Just be wary of the soulspeakers a thread started by LA will be likely to attract.

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question left unanswered from my old thread...

Bigkahuna, wtheck are "soulspeakers"?

It's a term LA and her friends coined when they were referred to as Psychobabblers.


Maggie -- there is nothing sinister or fight-worthy about the term "soulspeakers". You can check it out to decide for yourself -- here's the page of the thread where that term started:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...art=12&vc=1
It was a quick and easy way to better identify a specific posting style than the "psycho-babble" label that some had started using. Apparently the word must bother some people, although I can't imagine why; it's harmless.

Sometimes long-time members need to warn newer people of trolls or refute specific bad advice, but I don't think that this particular warning was appropriate. Many of the people who post on LA's thread (including Mimi, SS, BR, Daze, Rin, e_o, lg .... and many more, the list got too long to name them all) are long-timers who know and follow the MB techniques and plans and who have helped many, many posters along the way.

Besides, you already know LA's style, since she's already been posting to you. So there's really no need for you to "be wary" about it. Many find it very helpful; there are lots of posters here who have and still do specifically seek out her advice. (I count myself in that group).

So I disagree with BigK and don't think there is any reason for you to "be wary" of LA or any of "her friends" "being attracted" to your thread. If anything, they would probably make a good addition -- the more input you can get from long-time established posters, the better.



Big K -- LA has been a big supporter of Maggie already. Many of the people on LA's thread ("her friends") are long time posters who have been tremendously helpful to countless people on this board. Why would Maggie need to "be wary" of those people? Do you object to something specifc that LA or someone else has said to Maggie? Or is this just a personl attack on LA and "her friends"? Your comments seemed to come out of nowhere, without provocation -- some kind of pre-emptive strike maybe? .... against what?


-AmI.


WH's A: 1/18/06 - ???? D-Days: 3/28, 4/14 (false recovery), 9/5 8/11 -- WH announces that he doesn't love me anymore. 9/5, confirmed A was renewed, PBL & re-exposure which gets him investigated. He refuses to move out and gets blatant with the A. 10/15, “Plan F-U”. Yuck. But it did start some talking. C w/OW continued until ....? MC with SH 11/24, WH says he loves me. Making progress. My own and with us.
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AmI,

I'm a critical thinker, I can separate wheat from chaff for the most part. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I appreciate people being protective, but please come visit me on my thread if you like. I need all the help I can get!

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AmI,

It's simply my contention that Maggie would recieve a broader range of advice and opinions on her own thread.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 1,372
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AmI,

It's simply my contention that Maggie would recieve a broader range of advice and opinions on her own thread.

BK, you warned Maggie to "be wary" of the people who would be attracted to a thread started by LA. If she were to discount all of those people, that pretty seriously narrows the range of advice that she would recieve, doesn't it?

Warning a newer member to "be wary" of a very long list of knowledgeable, long-time posters who really could be useful and helpful to her .... is not at all like helping her get a "broad range of advice".

Unless you have a specific reason to warn someone away from a poster or group of posters (and BK, that's exactly what you did), then isn't it just a personal attack? Shouldn't you be able to back up such a warning? You still haven't said -- did LA or any of "her friends" say something specifically objectionable? Or do you just dislike this group of people?

-AmI.


WH's A: 1/18/06 - ???? D-Days: 3/28, 4/14 (false recovery), 9/5 8/11 -- WH announces that he doesn't love me anymore. 9/5, confirmed A was renewed, PBL & re-exposure which gets him investigated. He refuses to move out and gets blatant with the A. 10/15, “Plan F-U”. Yuck. But it did start some talking. C w/OW continued until ....? MC with SH 11/24, WH says he loves me. Making progress. My own and with us.
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AmI I have no issue with "this group of people" How about you go post to Maggie now? She could use your help.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 188
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AmI,

I don't think it's worth arguing over. In general, I think people wanted me to grow a pair and post to my own thread.

I had made some hurtful comments about the way this board treats FWWs, and making my own thread was kind of like me taking that back and daring to trust people.

Please come visit me on my thread!


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