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You know what I want to know? I want to know what H wants. Is it OK for me to have (new) IM ask him that, "what do YOU want, Julie's H??" I was just thinking of this as I poured my coffee - from the letter he wrote a few weeks back, to him recently telling the kids I've slandered him, to today's more "friendly" and admitting to love me letter, WHAT does he want?? Clearly not D, but not me either?

Julie, does it matter WHAT he wants? The only thing that matters right now is if he is ready to meet the conditions in your letter. Anything outside of that is not relevant to you. If your IM asks what he wants, she will only open up the door for needless debate with a wayward person.

I would suggest that your IM contact him - TOMORROW or the next day - and say, "please pass all communications through me as Julie will not be reading your notes. The conditions for reconciliation are laid out in THIS LETTER. [attach copy] I will be happy to discuss those conditions when you are ready. Until that happens, there is no need for any direct contact. Thank you, IM"

This will send him the message that YOU ARE DEAD SERIOUS about the conditions in your letter. That is the message that needs to be continually driven by your IM.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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One of my favorite things about you, Julie, is that you NEVER feel sorry for yourself. You have every right to do so, but you never do. Instead of having a pity party, you always look for solutions. That is an ADMIRABLE trait that will greatly contribute to your path out of this dilemma. You're alright for a kid!
This is such an amazing trait to have. How do you not feel sorry for yourself every so often. I would love to learn your wisdom.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Hi Julie,

I just wrote you a long response and it disappeared. UGH! Basically I said what Mel said.

I only have a minute now so this will be short. The other book came yesterday and I shipped them to you today. The man said you should get it Thursday or Friday. I bought them used on Amazon because it turned out I was too sentimentally attached to the ones I have here. I am weird sometimes. LOL

I will not have internet service where I am going. I will surely miss that!

Hang in there. Be good to yourself and the kids.

talk to you when I get back

SOT

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Melody, thank you for what you complimented Julie on. I didn't realize how I was feeling sorry for myself and that's stupid.

Thank you for saying what you did.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Q, I am glad my comment helped you. I learned the hard way that self pity keeps me mired in misery and prevents me from focusing on a solution. Self pity makes me feel like a VICTIM, rather than a VICTOR. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Julie, not really a horse person, but I love the George Strait song that plays on one of the pages ;-)


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Huh? Hmmm...

It takes a minute to connect, but when you click on the link it takes you directly to the live feed of mom & baby; she was born this morn @8:52CST.

Unfortunately for me, I'm a total horse person, shows & all, and I really do not like country music one bit! You learn to tune it out...


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So DS, who got home from weekend w/H 3 hrs ago, just said to me, "So, Dad's really trying to get into Al-Anon, I mean Alateen, I mean AA. He just needs the address."

I was so excited! Now, of course, the "just need the address" part is crap, but I said, "Did you tell him it's in the phone book?" He said no, he forgot to.

Anyway, tonight I'm to send SIL/H's sister/current IM the "you're fired" email & I've got neighbor/on my side/new IM lined up for take-over. I'm going to (ask her to) ask H point-blank if he's ready to meet conditions of PBL...anything else? It'll have to be a phone call, since H doesn't do email, and it'll have to be tomorrow since SIL/current IM might not see email/notify H till then.

Still need to file for D or LSA, I guess, but I probably won't decide which till I have neighbor/new IM take his temperature.

Help please!!


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Maybe I DO need a new PBL, one that SPECIFICALLY states 90/90, maybe include w/it a pamphlet of AA meetings, one that says you can come home, I still love you, I'm here...

Whatcha think??


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I think that anyone who sincerely wants to find an AA meeting can.

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He is making the noises you want to hear, nothing else. Watch for actions, not excuses.

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Hopefully more folks will weigh in here. But I don't want you to get your hopes up.

Did you do the web page for the horses? My sister is all into horses and is raising miniatures. It is weird because growing up I had a horse and she had no interest at all. Now she is horse-crazy! Anything that has anything to do with horses and she is there.

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I agree with Believer.

He doesn't need anyone to find him the address of an AA meeting. You found Al-Anon, he'll find AA.

Plus, if you give him the address, make sure he has gas money, clean clothes, stand on your head, etc., etc., he might go. And if he doesn't, you may be disappointed. (I know this one-going through it with my son)

And, he has no responsibility if you or anyone else does it all for him. He can then blame the one who didn't fill up his truck, wash his clothes blah, blah, blah! (I know you are in plan B so this is just an example of how easy it is to get sucked back in.)

You don't need to tell him 90/90 either. When he hits a meeting they will tell him all that. Don't even let him know that your son told you he was looking for the address.

Wait, watch. See if he figures it out. Don't do it for him. (I know it is hard!!)

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Thanks.

Just got off the phone w/new IM & am sending her copy of PBL. Her son is currently 3 wks sober, is about our age/lives there, and she'll tell H about a program thru the county too...if he asks. I'm going to give her this newest note & then ask him if he's ready.

I won't provide any addresses or info. I'm busy here, workin' on me. Got papers to file, people to see...

B, that's not my webpage or horses - it's a friend. I've got just one horse now: the BEST (yellow) horse EVAH!! I was the little girl whose parents FINALLY gave in, got my first horse @13. Second @15, had her bred, and her foal was born when I was 17 - 2 weeks prior to the birth of DD/11! So, new baby + 3 horses = somebody's got to go. I was horse-less until just this past May when H, much like my (alcoholic! Hmmm...) dad, FINALLY gave in & let me get a horse again. That's my story!!


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I'm sure this is fine, and I need to send it tonight, but what they hay...should I press 'Send'?

(SIL),

I think I have put you in a difficult position asking you to be my intermediary. I truly appreciate all that you have done for me and the help you have offered as my intermediary. I feel like I am putting you in a awkward situation with your family and I don't want to cause any harm. Thank you again for your help; I will remember what a kind thing you did. I am asking someone else to do it from now on.

If you wouldn't mind letting (H) know the change has taken place, as of Monday 2/18/08 (new IM) will be our intermediary moving forward. As the letter I gave (H)states, it is (new IM) that he should contact now for any emergency, (DD/DS), and financial concerns. And to re-iterate - once he is ready to stop drinking, commit to a program of recovery, and re-build our marriage I will be willing to talk with him.

~Julie


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Sounds good.

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Sorry, just thought of something else: I'm going to need his address to have him served. Should I have (new) IM ask for it? Obviously I don't want her to say "you're being subpoenaed, what's your addy?" but I don't like lying...I could have her ask for it though, so that we can forward his mail as she's going to give him some on Wed. So, 2 birds/1 stone?


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Yes, just have her ask. She will need his address - the two of you have kids together.

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IM change: done. Next: LSA or D.

This makes sense in my mind, how about yours?: I think I should write H a quick note & have IM give to him. A note that says: "H, As my letter to you 1/9 states, direct contact with you while you continue to live a destructive life is far too painful for me. I want for us to re-build our marriage using the skills we learn in our recovery program(s). (DD), (DS), & I love you and miss you, and want you home. Are you ready to quit drinking completely, and commit to a program of recovery? If you are, then I am ready to support you. ~Julie~"

OK?


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??


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