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Joined: Jun 2005
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liz8520 Offline OP
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I cannot believe I am writing this post. I have lurked and even occasionally posted here in the past, but it has been over a year. I read this forum out of curiosity alone. I never imagined that I would be the subject of a post.
My husband had been acting distant from me for about a month or so. I kept asking him what was going on, but he would just say, it's work, or something like that. Well, the day after Christmas break- he sat me down and told me he was leaving. No reason, really- just the ole- I'm not in love with you anymore blah blah blah.....
I reasoned with him, and even unfortunately begged him to stay. He still left. I was very suspicious that he was cheating, but still trusting that he may just be under a lot of stress.

I went online today to check my cell phone bill usage and noticed exhorbitant text charges. Since neither of us use text, I was immediately suspicious. I got a detail and their was the proof in the pudding. He has been texting, receiving texts, calling, and receiving calls several- I mean SEVERAL times a day since November 9th. Every day. From one number

I call the number and ask who it is. I get hung up on. I call back tell her who I am, who my husband is, etc. She hangs up again. My cell phone rings. Guess WHO??? My DH.
Why am I bothering his friend, he asks- because, you know, that is all they are, you know.

He swears that she is married and her and her husband talk to him about our marriage, and they were just trying to help him through a rough time. I said oh, ok, I can see that. But I am sure you can understand why I would need to call her husband just to verify that. Can I please have his number, because she just keeps hanging up on me.

That was enough to set him off. He ranted and raved about how I was not to 'bother' them and that is why he did not tell me about his new 'friends' because he wanted to have someone to talk to about our problems. I then told him that either he could give me his number so I could call, or I would get it myself.

That did it. He confessed as much as he felt he had to. He told me they had feelings for each other, but had never done anything <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Whatever-atleast I finallly knew the truth.

He talked to me for a long time, and confided in me that he had decided to end it with her after we broke up- and that he really was thinking he might want to make it work with us. (we had discussed this possibility before I found out)
I told him the only way I would consider even discussing reconciling is if he agreed to NC for life period. He said he could understand that, and would not have a problem with it. We talked for a long time, and in the end, he said he just needed time to think.

What do I do?????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />


me:33
H: 44
Married 5 years-together for 8
2nd M for both.
S14 & S12 from my 1st marriage
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,643
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Hi,

Welcome to MB. It is late, and problem not many people will be around. Hang in there. There are lots of people on here who can give way better advice than me.

You are in a safe place and just know that they will be here.

Take care of yourself and I am sorry you are hurting.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 847
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You must absolutely contact the OW's husband ASAP! Your WH's speech to you was to buy him some time. THe two of them might even get their stories straight to warn the OWs betrayed husband that a psycho paranoid wife may try to contact him.

Find out OWs name and address. Anything you can get on her so you can EXPOSE these two for what they are. Find out if she's a coworker and expose them at work if this is so. Tell your family about the affair before he gets a chance to make up a story about YOU.

Also, protect your finances-- make sure he can't wipe you out to support his affair. This happens A LOT and yes, even with WHs who's betrayed spouses would swear up and down they'd never pull something like that on their family.

Do not have sex with your husband without protection (if you decide to sleep with him at all). You should have yourself checked for STDs.

Read everthing here when you can.

Understand that you are much more powerful than you feel right now. I know exactly how you feel right now and I want very much for you to understand that you are NOT alone, you are NOT helpless, and that you are NOT at fault for his choices. Also understand that he is LYING about his situation. You will know he is lying because his lips are moving. You absolutely must watch his ACTIONS before you take anything he says at face value.

More of us will be able to help soon.

Joined: Jun 2007
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thank, Mo

I'm glad you are here to help


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
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I totally agree with Mojo

Also I'd start exposing where it will affect him as well. You know the drill. Friends, relatives etc...


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
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Hi Liz,

Sorry that you find the need to post here...

Your H is following the WS handbook to a "T". The good thing here is that most WS will pretty much follow the same script so you have some idea of what to expect.

My best advice for you would be to give the Harley's a call and schedule an appointment with them ASAP.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 276
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liz8520 Offline OP
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I am a SAHM and he had agreed to pay my expenses out of pure guilt I am sure. I homeschool one of my boys, so I am terrified of exposure. It has taken every ounce of willpower not to pick up the phone and call everyone he knows, but I know he will cut off the financial help if I do that. Gosh, I am in a really tough spot.


me:33
H: 44
Married 5 years-together for 8
2nd M for both.
S14 & S12 from my 1st marriage
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 9,015
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(((((Liz)))))

You know he is having an affair. The "Fogspeak" is right out of the "Wayward Spouse 101 manual."

Do as you have already been advised. Open a new bank account and transfer all assets other than the minimum needed to remain for bank drafts, etc. into the new account that ONLY you have access to. You husband will get angry, duh, and try to blame you for "sabotaging" any chance at getting back together. Calmly remind him that you had NO SAY in his choice as to how to "deal with his perceived marital problems with you" and he has the same "no say" in how you deal with the need to protect yourself and your family from him and HIS choices.

Next, get the name and number of the OW's spouse immediately. If you know her name, or have a number, cell phone or other, there are ways to get the information. Once you have the information, DO just as you told your husband, call her husband for verification of the "fogspeak" you have been hearing and ask the OW's husband if he "approves" of his wife having an affair with your husband. DO NOT allow yourself to waiver on that point. It IS an affair, even if the OW's husband denies any "possibility" that it could be an affair.

The next step, if your husband wants to continue playing the "affair game," is further exposure. So get together a list of "who needs to know" and be prepared with PROOF. The phone records you have are a start. Start digging into bank records for expenses, credit card statements, etc.

Get ready for a "battle," IF, and I do mean IF, YOU want to try to recover your marriage despite the tremendous hurt you are feeling.

God bless.

Joined: May 2002
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Hi Liz,

You need to talk with a lawyer and protect your finances. Your H can't abandon you and the kids.

There are several lawyers that post here regularly and I'm sure that one of them can give you some basic guidelines.

Don't let the fact that you are a SAHM keep you from doing what you MUST do to end this A. I know that this is very scary for you, but if you do nothing, then in MHO, you are taking a greater risk in having your H "cut you off financially"...

Hang in there!

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
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Read up on Plan A, and get going on that as well.

Clean the house.
Get yourself spiffed up. Smell good and look good every time he sees you.

Be your best self whenever he is around, even though it "feels" wrong, even though it is tough to do.

Make him want to be around you. It will also help to bust up the affair by confusing him in wondering what he's doing, why he was thinking negatively about you.

Don't love-bust when you are around him. If you need to vent your anger, come here and yell all you want - do not yell at him. State your needs to him in calm tones, tell him you want him to stop his affair and stop contacting her forever.

Tell him you want him to write a "no contact letter" and that you want to read it and mail it, as a condition of reconciling the marriage, when that point comes.

Read up and start your Plan A.

SB

Joined: Jun 2005
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liz8520 Offline OP
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What are some examples of no-contact letters in case he decides to try and work it out?

How long do I wait for him to "think" I feel like a complete moron sitting here waiting on my husband to decide which one he chooses. I am like one of those weepy, needy women on the bachelor. How do I do this without looking and feeling completely pathetic??


me:33
H: 44
Married 5 years-together for 8
2nd M for both.
S14 & S12 from my 1st marriage
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
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liz,

Please call and make an appointment with the Harleys. They will advise you on exposure: How, when, and to whom. The other spouse will certainly have to know, but who else knows will depend on you H's willingness to end the affair and protect the marriage. Right now you have absolutely no way to support yourself, so you need some expert advice.

Buy a copy of "Surviving and Affair" and start reading about Plan A and B. Here's the NC letter in SAA:

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she's been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)


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