YES

Here's one more from me....


Sally,

Think about it... did I steer you wrong with Military One Source?....No...

You've been given great advice by alot of people here...

I think you're afraid to do what you know needs to be done... You're the only one in your situation... you have to make the choices about what is "the right thing to do" in your situation.

NOW NOW NOW! Is the time be STRONG and conquer your fear...

Don't be afraid to ACT...If you do nothing... guess what happens.... that's right .... nothing... And it probably gets worse...you'll get steam rolled by your wayward husband wating for SOMETHING to change... You have to make the changes... changes for the benifit of yourself and your kids...not changes in him... Think of it this way... Right now YOU are the only sane one in your marriage and YOU have to be the one who steps up to the plate and makes SANE choices durring this time of chaos...

That's called COURAGE... (The mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty) GOT ANY? I think you do... You just have to dig down and get it... Right now!

You're right... you can't end the affair... He has to...

Read the Carrot and the Stick of plan A by Pepperband... the whole post...

Here it is...


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=


BE STRONG...BE COURAGEOUS

Sally,
I am so sorry that you are having to go through all this. I am sure that any spouse that is cheated on feels so much betrayal, but with just going through a deployment and then it all ending like this has to feel like even extra. I don't think that one can truely understand that unless they have gone through supporting a spouse while deployed. My husband (I don't know yet if he is actually cheating, just that he wants out of the marriage when he gets back) is just leaving for nine months and it kills me to think I could do all this for him while he is gone and then come home and still just turn his back on me and the marriage. Others here act like what is the big deal taking care of everything while he is deployed when if you were alone you would have to take care of anyway, but at least to me it is much different and maybe you understand that. Anyway, I don't have any background to help you as far as your marriage and aren't sure what you are even looking for right now. I know that it seems like you feel divorce is your best option right now and getting slammed for that. Don't really feel I can give advice on that but wanted to let you know that I think you should be able to vent here and not get all this flack. I know that I really just need a place to talk and get support. I do appreciate any feedback on what I should do as far as my situation, but my biggest need right now is to have others to talk about this with. So, I just wanted you to know that you aren't the only one hurting and stressed to the max, I can't stop that pain for you, but willing to listen. Lit

I could post many more from other people that have given you super advice... but what's the point?

Like Melody said.. "is it groundhog day?"


Melody... correct me if I'm wrong but aren't you a military spouse?

I'm pretty sure the answer is yes...

I'm active duty military... 23 year's of military service...

RIF...Is a reservist who's currently in Afghanistan.

There are lots of people here who want to help you who are very knowledgeable about the military.

Speaking for myself… with 23 years of military service… I’m not just pulling answers out of my A$$ that may or may not be right…

Here’s some things you need to do…

1. Expose to his C.O. and his Chain of Command. And I don’t give a damn if his C.O. is the ghost of General George S. Patton… do it…

2. Go to the Family Service Center and get some help… Tons of resources and help are there. MAKE THIS A PRIORITY TO GO…In the Navy it’s the “Fleet and Family Service Center”…. I’m sure the Army and Airforce have an equivalent. See what can be done if he’s not supporting you financially. What can be done if he’s abusive. What can be done if you have a Legal Separation Order that says your primary residence is… and he won’t leave… See what can be done if you’re afraid that he’ll physically harm you. Etc etc etc…

3. Go to the legal office on base. (It may not be necessary after you go to the family support center but it’s an option you have.)

4. Educate yourself … read! Read about marriage builders principles. Read MB post’s ( The carrot and the stick is a great place to start)

5. Work on you and stop obsessing about him… YOU CAN’T CONTROL HIM OR HIS ACTIONS SO STOP TRYING… Instead work on what you can control… yourself and your actions… make yourself a better person that is an attractive alternative to the other woman.

Sally,

Listen to the people here. You’re getting great advice but you need to listen, learn and implement…

[b] YOU CAN DO IT.[b]

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

lit1022 - I am going to tell you a story. Last week, I sat in my husband's military honor ceremonies. Yes, honor - by the 5th medal I thought I was going to puke. Honor! I sat there quietly - waiting for it to be over. The moment were the clouds opened up and sun came shining through was when the Gov. stood up - thanked the soldiers for their deployment in Iraq - then thanked the wives. She said - "It is you that paid the heating bill and the mortgage, it is you that fed the kids, helped with homework, got them off to school, it is you that sent carepackages to your soldier - thank you for all that you do so your soldier could serve his country." At that point - I cried - one army wife gave me a tissue and held my hand. I then looked over and another wife was crying. I then grabbed her hand. I then turned around and saw that each Army wife was crying - I grabbed the hand behind me. This is what I would have done at our monthly support meetings - it was time for that again. All of a sudden each wife grabbed each others hand. The Gov. stopped her speech and said - "I see all of you wives holding hands - that is wonderful - I know you were there for each other." That made the entire day for me. It is not about what he is doing - it is about you and how you conduct yourself. I had honor during this deployment. And so should you. My husband doesn't appreciate the sacrifices I made - but to tell you - I could care less. I cried that day because I was upset that he didn't care - but I know in my heart I did my best and he can never take that away from me. There is a 90% divorce rate for deployed soldiers. Realize this is not you. They are so lonely over there - something happens to them. Hold you head up high, fight to save your marriage, if it does not work out, at least you know you did everything you could do to save it. I suspect there is someone else or he is just screwed up. Deployments magnify any issues someone has...esp marriage issues. Work on finding out what those issues are and if they can not be resolved - know that you did what you could to fix things. I am here for you if you need me. My involvment in military wives does not stop because I am no longer a military wife. I am here if you need me. PS - Everyone in his unit is having issues. You are not alone. The Army will try to hide it - but know you are not alone.

OK - so I think I am doing PLAN A - I am being wonderful to him, taking care of myself, exposing him to his CO. What else do I need to do? I jsut found a x rated text message on his work phone and I am sick. He is so sexually involved with this woman I do not stand a chance. What do I do? He looks at me with total disgust. I told him that I could forgive the affair but I can not forgive him walking out on the kids and me. He says he cant find the love for me anymore. He doesn't even know how to try. HELP! What do I do? Is it too late?

Hi Sally...

You've seen me post before to you and another military spouse--Cincvhouse. You posted to her too, remember?

You also advised her well.

Look at the comments I made to her about the "how" to talk to the CO.

You are understandably devastated right now, but make sure you get one thing clear with yourself first... You are trying to fight for your FAMILY, as well as yourself.

You're not "in love" with your husband right now...recognize that. It's the reason you're feeling thoughts about tossing in the towel.

These are the same feelings your husband had that enabled him to justify his affair...

These feelings and the loneliness and anger are powerful and can lead you down the wrong road...

Find your power and face your fear.

Do you really think your WH would hurt you?

By exposing you are asking for HELP, not trying to hurt him. If you understand that, you are recognizing your OWN value and power, Sally.

Who knows what might happen to his military career, but it is not your responsibility to shield him from the consequences of the truth!

I too am so fully aware of the sacrifices those at home make, and have made numerous "speeches" to that effect, both to the spouses when at home, and also to the servicemembers while deployed.

Let us know how you plan to approach this w/ his CO (who I'm assuming is a general).

L2F

One question....Do you want to save your marriage????

I am sorry but I seem confused on this issue. YOu have posted numerous times you want a Divorce, you want him gone and now you are talking Plan A???

If you Remember in your first thread I told you not to make any hasty decisions based on emotion. Have you changed your mind????

Sorry to sound hard, but I find your posts to be confusing. What is the best outcome you would like to see in all of this?????

not2fun

I don't know. This thing that is in my house right now is ugly and crewl. He is not the man I married. I want the man I fell in love with - the reason for these 2 beautiful children. I want him to love me again - which he says he will never do. I want things to go back to normal - but I know they will never again. I am trying to give it one more chance - but even today - he ran away to see her. How can I want this marriage. Help me understand why I am willing to work on something that seems so dead.

((((Sally))))

Ok....let's work with your reply...

You say "I want the man I fell in love with"

You say "I don't know"

YOu say "I am trying to give it one more chance"

These are all statements saying you want to fight for your marriage. This is good...it gives us a starting point. Now, saying "I want my Marriage back. I am willing to fight for it." does not mean you do not have the right to change your mind. It just means that you are willing to do everything possible to salvage it. And that is a good place to be because if YOU or he decides to go Plan D, you will know you did EVERYTHING in your power to save it. You won't second guess your decision later on.

Am I correct in this thinking? You want to save your M?

Ok, I will answer with the assuption that it is.

"Your house is ugly and cruel"....I am so sorry. I am sorry you are in this God-awful situation you did not ask for.

"I want him to love me again- which he says he will never do".....fogspeak, WS babble....we have all heard it...Heck I hear it all the time...it's a killer that's for sure, but think your WS as the alien or drug addict or drunk, which ever one floats your boat (my favorite is from a wise man, Mark...he says to think of the WS as the teacher in the Charlie Brown specials... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />..the one you can't understand that talks like this...wah wah wah wahhhhh.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. This analogy makes me giggle...which helps with the pain of the babble)

"Help me understand why I am willing to work on something that seems so dead".....because you have a history with this man, you loved him once and deep down you know you still love him (not the alien though), you have two beautiful kids that deserve a whole family/home, you don't want to end up bitter....there are a mirade of reasons. And they can change everyday. That's ok. It's normal to feel this way. Remember, its a rollercoaster. Yeah, we didn't ask for the ride, but we got it anyway. It sucks I know. But do know that all of us are here for you and want to help you. We can help you through this walk through the valley of death.

Now, that being said, I am not a VET. So I can encourage you, pick you up when you are down, listen as much as you need, but my advice will be mimial. If you have seen my thread, I am only @ 3 months from DDay myself, and am dealing with all the same (well, kind of) things you are. And I have not been the most stellar of students at times <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />, so I won't be offering any advice as far as what to do in Plan A or Plan B.

So keep your chin up and chest out...and be on time to class...

(((Sally)))

you have people that care.....

not2fun

Not2Fun,
Great post...

Sally,
Listen to N2F... Maybe you can relate to her better than you can relate to me.

And just to clarify... I'm not trying to encourage you to get a divorce... I hope and pray that your marriage is salvageable, but there are no guarantees. What I was trying to say about getting a legal separation or filing for divorce is… It’s a strategy that might be used to help the affair die a quicker death and may help your wayward husband wake up… Once you have a legal separation…. STALL…Do nothing to help the divorce along. And if at a later time you want… you can stop the divorce.


The only answer I can give you is why I’m fighting for my marriage… I still love my spouse… even though she’s being a cake eating, faithless, deceiving cheater right now.






You seem in conflict… not sure if you want to save your marriage or not… but I think deep down you do want to save your marriage… That’s what N2F is trying to get you to see… (do you want to save your marriage???) That’s the first question you need to answer to figure out what direction you need to go…

Look at N2F’s signature line…


Sally,
Being conflicted and having your feelings change from one moment to the next is pretty normal… I’m sure there’s a lot of good advice out there for this. N2F could surely explain this better than me… LOL…

Sally,

(((((Hugs for you))))

It will work out one way or another… things will get better…

Keep your chin up… And Keep Smiling (It makes them wonder what you're up to) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Amazing...


"Not2fun,
great post"


Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....we don't want anyone to know I can do that from time to time....they might think I'm LEARNING something.......LMAO

But thanks...

OK... I'll keep it on the "Down Low"... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />...LOL

And...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm smiling like a [censored] eatin briars.... Just to keep ya guessing...

Sally - Thanks for the reply, sometimes I really feel quite alone in all of this. I don't have much time to write as I was busy all day getting ready and will leave tomorrow to go and visit my husband. He flies out then next Sunday. I am so hoping things go well during our visit. I still need to work on getting the cell phone records and then figure out who he is calling. But for right now I am going to try and really enjoy the time we have together and hopefully send him off with all good memories. I know that you are strong and will get through all this and I will check in again in a week. Lit

Not2Fun - thanks yes great post.

As for me right now. The past two days I have fought to do Plan A. Family activities all day and night. Now it is Sunday night - he has gotten really angry as the day went on. He finally was sitting on the couch after we put the kids to bed. I asked him what is wrong. He said, "I have to go to her!!!" I said, "Go I am not stopping you." (I know you are all going to be mad at me for that one.) "It is your lawyer that is telling you to stay to get custody of the kids, but I am not stopping in your way - stop blaming me." After 2 hours of talking - he left crying. I told him that the marriage is not the issue here - the issue is that he does not have God in his life and he is so scared of his mortality that he is confused. I think he is mentally ill from the war. I think that he faced death and this affair is his way of trying to deal with everything. I told him that he needs to find something to believe in - what ever religion he picks is fine - because all he is doing now is following the devil. "But find something!" I am not an overly religious person - but ordeal is bringing me face to face with my faith and the fact that he does not have faith is the reason why he is where he is. I can't help him - he has to help himself - just like you can not help an addict unless they decide they need help. Believe me, I am making it hard for him and giving assistance, but for correcting himself - he has to do that.

As for my marriage - guys I am trying - but for now - I have to face the fact that it is over. I love him - but not the type of love he wants right now. Right now he wants xxx rated mindless sex. I am lonely too and I want to be loved - but he doesn't see me that way. Oh and by the way - I am a 5.7, 130lbs, 36C, knock out. He sees me as the mother of his children only and not sexy.

I really think he is going to explode because he is so confused and she is pulling the strings. I have to protect my children and me. I let it be known that I am concerned for my safety and that I do not feel comfortable with him in the house to everyone. I actually feel better that he left tonight. Let him figure himself out, let the mystical affair die. He is going to lose his honor and family for this - but so be it. I just don't want to be the reason why he feels like he is trapped. I told him tonight that I am scared of him, he says he would never hurt me, but I see way too many news articles on situations gone bad.

OK so tell me if I am doing anything wrong. Give it to me if you think I am wrong.

I pray he leaves me alone right now to heal and move on with my life. If there is hope in the future - I will work on the marriage - but not right now. I will not speed the divorce but let it run it's course.

You are doing more of a "Love Must Be Tough" plan. And that is okay.

((((Sally)))))

I hear your pain. I really do. This is why I say not to get the D yet. Your emotions are on a high, sensitive speed right now. I know, I am in the same boat. Even today I was ready to throw in the towel.

Now, as far as asking him what is wrong, don't bother. You already know the answer. All you gain by doing this is ending up arguing and LBing and getting no where. Yes, you cannot control him from going to her. I personally won't yell at you for saying it, but I can imagine the way you said it, in a judgemental yelling tone. Am I right??? That there is a LB.

Honestly, you don't know if see's you as only the mother of his children and not sexy. Heck, maybe he does find you sexy and that is why he is mad and wants to go to OP. Just to remind himself why he wants her and not you. Maybe he is mad that he finds himself still attracted to you. He is going through MAJOR conflict right now. We BS have no idea what is going on in their foggy little brains.

So, what Plan A stuff have you been doing??? Do you know what his EN's are???? Lets figure that one out together and go from there.

Are you seeing a therapist?? What about depression??? Are you seeing any signs??? What are you doing for YOU???

We know he is a mess. But what about YOU????

not2fun

ps...and stay connected here...people really want to help you....let us do that....((((Sally))))

Have you considered trying Marriage Builders? Why not try to save your marriage before just throwing in the towel? Marriage Builders has some plans called plan A and plan B, and while there are no guarantees, many marriages have been saved this way.

Have you considered trying them before just throwing in the towel for absolutely NO GOOD REASON? Just a thought...

Sally,
I don't think you're marriage is over. You shouldn’t either. N2F is right… your emotions are in overdrive… as expected… don’t make a decision based on emotions that you may regret later…

After I found out that my wife was cheating, and moving out I went through a lot of the same things you are… I was really hurt, pissed, mad, etc… I was ready to file for divorce and never talk to or see my cake eating wayward wife again… (In retrospect that was my way of trying to hurt her back.)

I haven’t filed for divorce… I talked to several attorneys and I have one that I’m going to use if it comes to that. But I haven’t filed and she hasn’t either… That may be a good sign. If you haven’t filed and he hasn’t either…then that may be a good sign for you too… and may send a signal to him that you want to work on the marriage…


N2F is right on the money… Your husband is in MAJOR conflict. Understanding that my wife is very conflicted helped me a lot and helped me cope with all her fog babble… I think a lot of the things a wayward says is meant to justify in their minds their affair… For example… my ww say’s that she’s extremely resentful about how I handled money. And I admit that I had a lot of independent behaviors that were bad for my marriage. In her mind that’s justification for what she’s doing… She’s said things like… I can’t ever trust you again… You’ve been screwing me over the entire marriage and I’m not going to let you screw me over any more… Then the next day she’ll call me and be civil… She’s in conflict… one minute she’s bitter and ugly… the next she’s not… It’s nothing new… It seems every WS goes through the same thing… conflicted… they’re looking for justification for their actions all the time and when you don’t give them that justification (and quietly start doing the opposite, giving them reasons to stay without saying it out loud.) they start having second thoughts…

It’s been said that plan A is like a whisper… Pepperband say’s in the Carrot and the Stick…. “Like that commercial in the 70’s… If you want to get someone’s attention… Whisper.”

Sally,
Everyone here uses a lot of Marriage Builders acronyms… (LB, OM, OW, WW, WS, DD, DS etc…) If someone uses one you don’t understand just ask… I’ve had to do it a couple of times…

You’re doing great… Keep asking for help… We’re here for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks - Yes - do not understand the acronyms and I need to have a step by step guide on what Plan A and B are. I have been looking around the website - but I can't seem to find it spelled out for me. Would you direct me or summarize A&B for me? So this is a good sign that I want to learn these things. Right?

Reason for my learning - tonight - he came home after being with her all night and day and now he says he wants to try to save our marriage. He says it can not be saved, but for the sake of the children (ages 4&8) he wants to try. Why? Because I am seeking custody and he knows he will not be with them everyday. I also called his mom today and told her to butt her nose into her son's life if she doesn't want this other woman to take him from her too. Guess that hit a nerve. After talking with his mom - he went back over to her house to talk. OW told him to try his marriage and that she loves him enough to let him go. Nice tactic by her. He says he loves her so, and has never felt this way about any other woman. The two of them "love" each other so much. I reminded him of our romance, but that was 17+ years ago. He doesn't remember falling in love with me.

So now, I have been given the chance to have a horrible marriage for the sake of the children. Nice. I didn't answer him on what I wanted. I told him to sleep on things and read SUVIVING AN AFFAIR. I said we would talk another night.

Any suggestions on what I do now? Is what he is saying fog or is there no chance for him to love me again? Do I want to be with this terrible person that doesn't love me but feels pity on me for the sake of the children's happiness?

To answer another question asked of me from before - yes, I am seeing someone to guide me. I am doing fine. My friends and family can not believe how well I am dealing with all of this. I told my mom - it is only good - one outcome is that we stay together and our marriage gets stronger - the other outcome is that I move on and I meet someone down the road that loves me for who I am and adores me. I just need to get through this rough patch right now.

So what do I do and is all this normal?