Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#2025737 02/22/08 04:40 PM
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 658
S
suamico Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 658
We have 4 kids, 1 in high school, 2 in middle school and 1 in kindergarten. I volunteer in my youngest child's class every Monday so I have gotten to know all her classmates. There is one girl that is always getting into trouble (not the only one but the worst). It's the usual, not keeping her hands to herself not listening to the teacher etc. Every child has a folder and the teacher puts the months calendar in it. If the child was good for the day she will put a sticker on that day. If the child misbehaves she will write a quick note. The parent is supposed to check the folder and initial it every day. At the end of the month I put them in their scrap book so at the end of the year the parent has all their work. So I see how they behave once a week but see it on paper every month. Her calender is loaded with comments every month. So back in late December I come in and the teacher has a surprised look on her face. She informs me sue has been pulled out of the school and moved 1/2 hour away. No notice at all; the mom just came in one morning requesting her files. Then about a month or so later I came in when it was just the teachers and my daughter's teacher informed me that Sue's mom was just there and she is coming back. (this would be mid January.) So sue comes back and her disruptive behavior is worse at first and so is her educational behavior. At this point I am feeling a little sorry for the kid because she is moving around and not in a stable environment. Her mom was dropping her off early for the breakfast program. When it is time for the breakfast kids to go to class they are sent in groups according to grade level. They are all supposed to walk together to the class. Sue was not going right to class and was late a lot and it was disrupting the morning routine. (We found out later she was chatting with friends and loosing track of time.) So the teacher first sent a note to all parents about kids being late to class. I had been late 2x so I thought I may have been part of the problem. Sue continued to be late so the teacher called the home and informed Sue's dad about what was going on. That was about a week ago. I couldn't go into class on Monday. On Tuesday my daughter had a dentist appointment so she was out of class for about 1.5 hours. I brought her back and when I was in the office Sue came in. Her mom (whom I have never met) was there to pick her up early. The mom was talking to the people in the office asking if Sue was the only one that was late for class in the morning. The office assured her there were other kids in other grades that did the same thing.

I ended up going into the class yesterday (Thursday). After I got in there the teacher put me to work on stuff she needed done. Then when the kids were gone she told me what happened. She said Sue is gone for good. Sue told her she was moving to Alabama to live with her Grandma so she could be safe. Apparently the dad was beating her! That is why she moved 1/2 north back in December so she could live with the other Grandma. I am guessing the dad promised to change and the mom believed him and moved back. When the teacher talked to the dad he was so mad he beat her. MAN, I was so mad, hurt and angry I wanted to beat the crap out of him and see how he likes it. The school and the teacher had no idea what was going on at home. This is so sad, she was finally doing much better in class. The day I saw her (Tuesday) she had won best girl for the week. She was so proud of herself. Now I sit here and think about her and wonder if she is safe. I am going to have the class make a card for her so it can be sent with her records. I just can't fathom someone beating a defenseless child. WHY do parents do that? I am no saint and I have raised my voice to my kids (if you ask them they will say I yell) but to physically abuse them, never. They are our heart it would be like abusing myself. Sorry to rant but this one got to me.


W (me) 44
H 43
Married 19 years
DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
I hate that the teacher shared ANY of this verbally other than the objective tasks of the folder...

I hate that teachers would gossip about other childrens personal lives

if they'll talk about them...they'll talk about you

I hope you share NONE of this with any of the other parents...

it's NO ONES business at this point....

this is not about ignoring abuse....it is about teachers that are in positions to protect children and their privacy and sharing it with ONLY those that have a direct impact in fixing the situation....

ark

Last edited by ark^^; 02/23/08 06:57 AM.
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 123
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 123
Dear ark,

I respectfully disagree. Suamico was a volunteer working in the class on a long-term basis. As such, she is a member of the school support community. All such volunteers and members of the support community should be trained in child-protection. This should include training in the detection of the signs of abuse in a child. All members of a school community, whether they be the classroom teacher or not, need to work together to ensure the safety and well-being of the children in their care, and this should include the sharing of information about the well-being of a child in their care. It's not about privacy, it's about safety.

This child was showing behavioural signs that COULD (not necessarily) have been signs of abuse. When the school attempted to address those issues with one of the parents, that teacher was physically assaulted by the parent. The parent presented a danger not just to the child, but to any member of the school community who might have encountered him.

Also, you don't know, there is always a chance that a child will return to a school where they have been treated well. What happens in a year's time, if this child returns to the school, and the mother tries to continue, but with a RO against the father? What purpose would be served by keeping these details private from the support members of the school who might encounter the abusive parent? (I remember at my son's primary school some years ago, one of the mothers was attacked by her boyfriend, who tried to strangle her, at 3pm, in full view of all the children exiting school, right outside the school gates. These things do happen.)

The decision to share this kind of information should always be made with the safety and well-being of the child in mind, AND the safety of the staff. I don't believe anyone's interest is being served by keeping these details secret from other members of the school support community. In addition, sharing this information is good training....there was a serious explanation for this child's disruptive behaviour and erratic attendance. Knowing the cause of it can only help people who work with children to be more aware and more sympathetic with children who display this kind of behaviour. How MANY times have you heard of cases where a child was being horrifically abused at home, but no-one intervened because they didn't realise what was really going on, or decided it was not their place to interfere or to ask questions?

I do agree that private, personal information should not be revealed by the school to non-interested parties. But Suamico was not a non-interested party, she was a member of the support community working inside the classroom. The teacher also shared the information with her privately, which IMO was the appropriate way to share the information. In other words, not gossiping about it in full hearing range of other parents in the playground after school, for example.

I would also say that, as a general rule, abuse, whether it be the abuse of children, or adults, sexual or otherwise, thrives on secrecy. The more it is exposed, the better for everyone. The more people are made aware that it is happening in their midst, and how to recognize the signs, the better. What I have learned in my life is that secrecy and ignorance are what enables abuse.

LIR

Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 658
S
suamico Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 658
As a volunteer for the school I had to take a class, pass a background check etc so although I am not paid for what I do I have important duties and responsibilities. I have been doing this on and off for almost 9 years. I am qualified to test children and work with children that have learning problems. Knowing what was going on in that house would have been HUGELY helpful in understanding her disruptive behavior. The teacher and I could have taken a different approach with her if we had all the proper information. I would have come in twice a week if I had to if it meant helping a troubled child. THAT is what breaks my heart. The teacher wasn't gossiping about this child. She and I had been brainstorming trying to figure out what the problem was. We were looking for signs of ADHD or lead poisoning etc. I was actually thinking it was ADHD because she was not doing things to be bad, she really was sweet but completely distracted and forgetful. My daughter's teacher has been teaching for 20 years and I have been assisting for 9 so we both have seen different children with different problems. Once you figure out what is really wrong you can get a better grip on how to help. I know for me I feel bad that I missed the signs of abuse and I think she feels the same way. I still don't know exactly what type of abuse it was but I suspect he was partly physical and more mental. I never saw bruises on her so he was careful about where he hit her. That shows me he is really sick. I know (and am greatful) I will never be in the mom's shoes but I can't wrap my head around keeping my child in that invironment. The kicker for me is Sue said she was going to Alabama not we so I don't know if the mom is going with her. The other issue is the mom is 7 months pregnant. sigh......


W (me) 44
H 43
Married 19 years
DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 658
S
suamico Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 658
Quote
I hate that the teacher shared ANY of this verbally other than the objective tasks of the folder...

I hate that teachers would gossip about other childrens personal lives

if they'll talk about them...they'll talk about you

I hope you share NONE of this with any of the other parents...

it's NO ONES business at this point....

this is not about ignoring abuse....it is about teachers that are in positions to protect children and their privacy and sharing it with ONLY those that have a direct impact in fixing the situation....

ark

This teacher was not gossiping with me, she and I have been working all year to figure out what was going on with this child. The key to helping a child like this is figuring out what is wrong. I could see the pain and disappointment in The teacher's her face when she told me what happened. I thought we both were going to cry. It is hard to face the fact that you missed the signs. I am sure there are other things she has been told by other parents that are personal and private. She does not share those things with me. This was something we both were trying to figure out so we could help Sue. Now if Sue comes back again we will have a better grasp on what is really going on so we can help her.

I am a teacher's assistant that also happens to be a parent of one of her students. I keep contact with my daughter to a minimum and she knows when I am in class I am a teacher's helper not mommy. I would never share any of this with any other parent. Just like I don't tell any parent what the other kids scores are in the testing. I don't even tell them what their child does, that is the teacher's job. To tell you the truth I found that accusation quite insulting.
I AM one of those that have a direct impact in fixing the situation. Just because I don't get paid for what I am doing doesn't mean I don't work with the teacher to help in the learning process. I don't just show up and help with play time. I test the children and work with the ones that have trouble.


W (me) 44
H 43
Married 19 years
DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 123
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 123
I think you and the teacher acted completely professionally, Suamico. I also work for a school. It is really hard when you find out something like this about a child who you feel you could have helped. You both did the right thing.

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
This was handled professionally and was not idel gossip. To suggest otherwise is misinformed.

Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 658
S
suamico Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 658
Thanks, I am still thinking about her. I am going into the class tomorrow and I suspect it may be a little quieter but not in a good way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I know there is nothing I could have done but I still feel bad that I missed the signs.


W (me) 44
H 43
Married 19 years
DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
OT: My stepmother wanted to get rid of my H because he was the only person who stood up to her. She got her church friends to sign a letter she wrote and sent to Children's Services, stating that my H was abusing our D (he wasn't), when D was in 1st grade. CPS threw it out and suggested we sue my stepmother, but I didn't, to protect my dad. *sigh* Long story short, the rumor mill had a field day (and we eventually had to move). When D was in 3rd grade, though, we attended an open house. While there, D's best friend's mother (in a different class from D) was approached by the friend's teacher. The teacher told friend's mother that my D's father was a child molester (by then the rumor had morphed from abuse to child molestation), and that she should stop letting her daughter play with ours. As with everyone else, this friend's mother didn't want to get involved, and didn't even tell us of the event for over 6 months; even then, she only told us because someone else had overheard it and told us, and we asked her. By then, when I went to the school to try to do something, everyone claimed no memory of the event.

There also was a woman who lived on our street, and she approached every new family who moved into our neighborhood and warned them to keep their kids away from my D, and warned them what my H 'was.' And every person who I could get to admit to it, that she did this, refused to testify for me, so I could stop her. So we finally gave up and moved, away from my dream home and dream job.

btw, suamico, I think you did the right thing, too, trying to help. We have to protect the kids. I just wish people would communicate more before believing everything they hear - and spread.


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5