I personally don't want to continue the thread jack on Brooke's thread. I may be told i'm trying to control people, but i'm not. Anyone is free to post here or there.

but here is what i want to say....

i signed up in Dec 2003. I did not confess until March 2004.

For a long time, as i saw others come here and confess so much quicker i would beat myself up as to why i took so long.

right now i'm thinking.... that time spent, i started to learn a lot, i had a chance to get my head together, my DH had a chance to see in my actions of those four months that something was changing. it was all actually a good thing.

i know others will say everyday you don't confess is another day of betrayal, and that is fine for you to state and re-state a million times if that makes you feel better.

i just wanted to state my experience.

in retrospective, i'm finally able to say, "you did good FL" obviously never being unfaithful is the best thing, but I did good picking myself up out of the mud and turning first myself around and then my marriage.

And here is what I take from that...The focus remained on YOU...Nevermind that he led a life that was a lie for another four months...Nevermind that the continued deceit compounded the betrayal...What was more important was that YOU "had a chance to get your head together"...

We don't see things the same way at all FLTH...

Mrs. W

I think you did fine.

-ol' 2long

I wonder if he is glad you lied to him for 4 more months? As a betrayed spouse myself, I would not find that acceptable. I seriously doubt it was in your husbands best interest to be deceived for 4 more months.

Maybe it benefited YOU, Flth, but it is not all about you. What was best for your H? Does he feel like it was in his best interest to be lied to for 4 more months?

mrs. w, you are right, we don't see things the same.

thanks 2long. i realize my husbands response when i confessed is very much about who he is at his core. and i must say, i've thought about that a ton too. i am blessed he has the qualities he has.

but i do see how helpful it was to him that i had learned all i had learned before confessing.

Hm...

This isn't like one of those courses in college where, if you 2rn in the assignment one day late you lose a letter grade, if you 2rn it in 2 days late, 2 letter grades.

This is life. None of us makes it out alive. Some of us take longer than others 2 pull our heads out of our wayward AND/OR betrayed nether regions...

If it takes 4 months, should the puller be shot or something?

How long is it supposed 2 take a WS 2 come clean? 4.23498 times 10 2 the zero power seconds? Weeks? Years? (I know that answer will be perceived as "always wrong").

Wouldn't it be better if nobody ever cheated or ignored their spouse's most important ENs? Should they receive a medal if they don't? And at what time relative 2 the non-betrayal?

In the end, what's important?

-ol' 2long

that my DH and I are recovering <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Nor do I see any benefit from delaying since delaying the truth is to delay RECOVERY. It also gives the WS more time to conduct wrongdoing under the cover of darkness, compounding the crime.

For what it's worth, I see anyone who confesses has an advantage, perhaps only in time, in speed and depth of recovery. I think it shows respect and remorse.
My Wife didn't confess, rather had the information dragged out of her, which is a big part of why I still have some issues to work out. I believe that the act of confessing is so much more significant than the method used. Does that make any sense?

BTW -Mrs. W - you've got mail...

Melody - I hope I didn't p*ss you off , but in my opinion the thread was a little out of control. Also, I found your comment to me a bit condescending. I still think you're one of the best! (not sarcasm...)

i realize this may not matter to you but for the record, i was not being an "active" WS during those 4 months ML in the sense that i was in contact with anyone. if that is what you mean by "wrongdoing"

i'm first to agree, i was not yet the model wife, but one cannot just wake up one day and be a model wife, that takes time and action.

put on your own oxygen mask before helping the person next to you. that was the benefit of delaying.

Infidelity isn't a crime in the US. Neither is lying 2 your spouse.

If they were crimes, the BS' recourse would be simple.

But the results would always be bitter defeat for everyone.

-ol' 2long

See, here is how I see it. If someone is harming me behind my back, I want to know NOW. NOT at your pleasure. I don't want to know LATER when the spirit moves you. NOW.

My BEST INTEREST, because I am the victim, should supercede your mood du jour. On PRINCIPLE, it is the best interest of the VICTIM that should drive the timing, IMO.

And the sooner the victim knows he is being harmed behind his back, the sooner he can PROTECT himself.

So my question would be, WHAT IS IN THE VICTIM'S BEST INTEREST? That should be the MAIN FOCUS, IMO. Focusing on SELF is the wrong focus.

Easy...

Inform immediately.



But what if that isn't how it goes?

-ol' 2long

I would also include lying as wrongdoing. And I think withholding the truth about one's life is wrongdoing. But it does give the WS the opportunity to commit more crimes if they are not exposed.


right, and action means telling the truth. That is the first step. That is how one becomes a better person. Feelings follow ACTION, not the other way around.

the best interest of my DH was occuring during those 4 months. his wife was healing to a point of being able to give to him a very meaningful gift. a confession. a confession that included a deeper understanding of all the damage she did because of the work she did during those 4 months. and a wife that could then be so 100% able to be what he needed.

I didn't mean crimes in the strict legal sense, but you already knew that. Adultery is worse than most legal crimes, but that is neither here nor there.

FLTH,

During that 4 month wait, you risked your BH discovering on his own this horrible information. And by not telling, a WS may often need to continue to lie their way out of being discovered when the BS puts a few puzzle pieces together. Lying continues the wayward attitude, even if the affair is over.

It is not better to wait. I'm glad your marriage worked out, but every single day of those 4 months, you were risking your husband finding out on his own.

And I do agree with Mrs. W. From what you've said, the focus remained on you. You can justify it any way you want to make it sound like it benefited him. But it just looks like manipulation to me. You wanted him to see your actions changing before you confessed, so that maybe he might be less likely to leave.

my "feelings" were not all that changed during those 4 months ML.

Being a person of integrity.

I really find this discussion interesting. I think that we're kind of debating what would be best in an ideal situation vs. what works in reality. Mel- I agree wholeheartedly that not delaying confession is the best course, if an affair is taking place. If we take it one step further, ideally a Potential WS should (ideally) confess feelings developing for an OP and establish NC prior to an affair.
I guess that there really is no ideal timeline for a confession other than to say that it should be immediate once "X" takes place. "X" could be something different for everyone....
What the h*ll did I just say?!?...