Well I did a drive by today and saw so many hurting hearts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> And I thought I would give you guys a success story - as...I remember when I was on here - it seemed success stories were few and far between - the truth is - there are TONNES of success stories....but they all leave the boards so you never hear about them.

We are currently 3 years and 3 months past d-day #1 and 2 years 8 months from D-day #2.

We are healthy, we are in love and we are changed, different. We respect our marriage in ways we never respected it before.

Our story starts with a marriage hitting about the 5-year point, 2 kids, and us letting resentment, miscommunication and life get in the way. This lead to vulnerability in our marriage. Soon I started the path of a million BAD choices that lead into an affair (no folks - your WS never makes ONE big decision...its about 100 little decisions that feed from one to the next....so when they say they don’t know how they got there it's usually cause they cant see the 100little steps they made to get there).

I ended up in a full-blown affair with no intention of leaving my husband. Soon I was caught.....and that was D-day (read my story in my sig for more details). Soon after that we came to marriage builders (dec 2005).

We met some of the most amazing people here, mortarman, bob-pure, melodylane, pepperband, aussiewife...people who helped us change....but it wasn't overnight.

A few months into recovery my husband started to grow distant. He started to sleep in the basement, visit singles sites for support. It was very hard as a FWW, as I felt I deserved it - and sadly due to many of the hurt people on the forums, many people supported that theory. Except the above people who pointed out - that this was unacceptable behavior in the marriage.

I started a revised 180 (without acting like a FWW - it had to be revised for me) and continued bettering myself, reading, therapy, learning what failed in ME and my marriage.

7 months post my d-day my husband was now in a full-fledged affair. Was it a revenge affair - perhaps? But in all reality it set itself up just like any other affair. He was vulnerable and in pain and unable to face what recovering our marriage needed. He met someone and eventually left me for her.

But....

1 month later he called me and confessed and realized our marriage was always what he wanted. And we began the 2nd recovery.

This was no easy task- there was a lot of comparisons and thrown hurt about who's was hurt. IT took pep and melody reminding us that this type of argument wasn't constructive. Two affairs were wrong; one was not more justified than the other. Meanwhile we had to rebuild our marriage to something we respected - we had to relearn to communicate, relearn to respect. It was no easy task. Even now we are still learning.

Here we are though almost 3 year from d-day#2. And we are pretty happy. We do not have that "blind" trust we had in the beginning, but we are better for it. We trust each other yes but...if something is off - we don’t let it go - we learned how to ask each other the off questions without accusations and confrontations.

I have personally learned not to be so defensive and argumentative. I’ve learned that dealing with a husband with a temper - stating a point calmly and refusing to give into remarks made in anger (walking away from a fight instead) heeds much better results - I have a husband who apologizes after a fight now...and doesn't escalate into other topics that we weren't even on.

For those of you embarking on the road to recovery. Stay focused on YOU, you can't change your spouses (wayward or betrayed) all you can do is change yourself and accept your responsibilities. If you are the wayward - ACCEPT that you had other choices and you made the wrong ones. Blaming your spouse gets you nowhere - he/she has his/her own realities to face. Accept you hurt them and you need to reprove yourself to them. Look DEEP within yourself to figure out what allowed you to make the wrong choices - not what your spouse did - what YOU did to allow them and FIX those holes in yourself - you can be an amazing person - The scarlet A will go away - it really will. YOU WILL LIKE YOURSELF AGAIN IF YOU WORK ON YOURSELF.

As a betrayed spouse - you have a hard journey - your heart has been smashed. But if you took the risk to rebuild your marriage, and your spouse has also taken that risk, then follow the plans here at MB. Keep your BOUNDARIES (this is most important) and work on YOU. Work on exercises and things that will help your self-esteem and try to included your former wayward spouse in those activities. Work on what you contributed to the marriage - no the marriage was NOT perfect if this happened. Listen to some of the blame your FWS is telling you, and don't take it as your fault - but some of it look at yourself and see if you did contribute to the state of the marriage. DONT take responsibility for their affair - IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT - they have to accept that - but look for the things you ARE responsible for - poor communication, a temper - use the 5 needs and see. Fix those.

And as you fix things, as you recover - YOU WILL MAKE MISTAKES - YOU ARE ONLY HUMAN. Don't feel bad - just pick yourself back up and try again. CHANGE IS NOT EASY - but if you want to have a fantastic marriage one day CHANGE IS NESSESSARY.

And the pain you are feeling now as you recover - when people tell you in 2-3 years it changes... it truly does. At 2-3 years things are not 100% fine in remembering the affair, but things are good - really good. The pain is not really there at all - only when you think long and hard about it - and for the most the affairs are passing memories, as you are involved SO much in the respect and building and constant learning and caring for your new marriage you rebuilt.

HANG IN THERE EVERYONE. Yes not everyone has success stories - but there are ALOT out there born from the marriage builders programs. PERCEVIERE and CHANGE YOURSELF. YOU ALL CAN DO IT.

lol - im done sounding like an infomercial. And I want to say hi to all of you I love and miss. Sorry I don’t drop by often - but its just not a place I like to come back to =)
xxxooo

edit

Thank you, I wish more would come back and share. I hope I get to come back and share a success story too someday!

HI DORRY!!!

so nice to hear your update, i'm thrilled for the two of you. and thanks for stopping by!!

Hi Dorry! *waving*

Tell Sprint hi from us, too. Good to see you passing by. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Dorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bless ya ,Dorry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Dorry,

Glad all is well with you.

Who

Hi Dorry! So glad you are doing well. Thanks for the ray of hope.

I'm so glad to hear you are both well. Thanks for stopping by.

Dorry,

Good to hear updates like this!

When I first arrived, it was some of your journey that helped me a tremendous amount, since I could see things from my then WW's perspective a bit better and knew that once OM was gone, things could and would change for the better. I even sent links to some of your stuff to my wife in the early days and have linked to some of it in one of my ongoing threads.

Though I came along a year and a half after you did, you helped me without ever posting to me directly. Thank you!

And thanks for the update, which I just know can be an example for some of those currently hurting so much as to what is possible.

Again, thank you.

Mark

Hi, Dorry! Yes, please do drop in every once in a while! We miss you, girl!

I'm so happy that you and Sprint are doing so well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Tell him hello from me, too!

Hi Dorry!!

Dorry,

Good to hear from you and thank you so much for posting your recovery status. You have provided great insight and shown how recovery is possible. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It is a hard road to recovery, covered with many bumps and curves designed to throw us off track. With determination and learning how to bring out the best in each other, we all learn.

Again, thanks. Your story breathes new hope into this board.

take care,
L.

Hi Dorry,

You were one of the first responders when I came to the board...thank you for your encouragement.