I heard about this site from someone I know so I thought I would come here and see if anyone could help me. I cannot get on the computer every night but I will respond when I get a chance after this post.

We have 4 kids. One is in college and one is a senior and will graduate this year. My Husband has asked for a divorce. We have been married for over 21 years and I am in shock. I want to save my marriage but he is not sure he wants to try any longer.

Around three years ago he lost his job. He found another job but he was only home weekends. He almost quit it because he hated being away from home but there were not any jobs like his where we live. I talked him into staying with his job and so he did. He found another job closer but he still is 250 miles away and is gone during the week. He has looked for a job here but the only job he could find paid half of what he makes now so we could not afford it.

He comes home every weekend but it seems to have taken a toll on him. I knew he was unhappy and last week he got very upset with me. We were having sex and I told him I really didn’t like doing something we were doing so I told him I did not want to do that. We stopped doing that and we continued for a while and then he stopped and said he did not want to have sex with me anymore. He feels like he is violating me and it makes him feel like a horrible person. He then said I should find a man that I like instead of a man like him.

We had been to a marriage counselor earlier for sex problems. He has been dissatisfied with our sex life for a long time. He told me and the counselor that since I use sex to control him and withhold it from him he is not sure he wants to be married anymore. He thinks that I do not desire him which is false. I do desire him and I am very attracted to him. It is just that at times that seems like it is all he cares about.

He is angry that we are living apart. I wanted the kids to go to school where we live so he accepted it. He said that if I really loved him I would not want to be apart from him. He said he would never allow me to be away from him he would want us to be together so now he says he wants a divorce.

I have family members living in the city where he lives and they keep an eye on him for me. His cell phone never has any numbers from anyone other then our family so I know he is not cheating. He sounds more depressed than anything. I am sure he is not having an affair but I am more worried about his state of mind.

He says that he is now convinced that he is not worth being my husband. He thinks that me and the kids use him for his paycheck and could careless about him. I had told him it would be horrible for the kids to move there so now he says he is giving up on the marriage. He says I should find a man you love and respect and want to live with him and want to have sex with him. He said that I have convinced him with my actions that he is not worth it so he wants out now. He said I chose the kids over him and he understands why I did that, because he said he is not much of a man. I think the world of him.

I am open for any suggestions. If I am being a lousy wife I want to know. I love this guy and he really has been a good man. I feel caught in the middle since the kids do not want to move. He says he understands they don’t want to move and since my husband says he is a loser that people take advantage of he does not think they should move for him.

He really just seems like he thinks I used him. All I want is his paycheck and he does not like the fact he lives in a crappy apartment while we live in a nice house and drive better cars than he does. He said he worked so hard to make us happy that we have all used him. He said he wants to move on with his life and give me my freedom.

Please help if you can. I don’t know what to do but I am open to listening and taking advice.

I would agree with the counselor. This sounds like extreme depression beginning.

I'm sure he feels like he has lost control since he is "forced" (not by you, but by circumstance) to work away from home. I think the first thing would be to get him looked at, both physically/mentally for depression. Then I would strongly consider the lower paying job or moving to be near him. Obviously this is important and he probably feels alone when he is not at home.

Next, you may want to do what you can to strengthen his feeling of self-worth and that you value him. I'm not saying that you aren't doing that now, but he obviously has a very skewed view of himself and needs extra attention and patience.

I'm just picking up on that because of all the "I'm so terrible, you deserve better" talk, but then he also follows that with "I want a divorce" which doesn't go together unless he is looking for the Martyr card. All you can do is simply convince him that you do want him and help him get the medical help for his depression, whether that is counseling or medical chemical help.

As for the sex issue, that may be his attempt to "regain control" of something in his life. Regardless of that though, if there is something you don't enjoy, then you should never be guilted or obligated to go that way. If it's something you are unsure of and might want to try, then be open minded, but never give up control of yourself at that level.

I think Sex is important, but generally sex issues are just the excuse, not the reason for issues. My life is not as fulfilling as I might want, but I've discovered that it is more of a lack of connection then simply the physical act. I would never consider divorce over a lacking sex life, though a lacking emotional life does make more sense for divorce. My opinion and feelings so take it for what it's worth...

I hope this helped a little at least... Good luck.

MU,

I came to this site many years ago because I felt quite abit like your H seems to feel right now. So I am going to lay it on you just as if I were he. I might not get it all right but I hope I can give you a clue as to what you are facing.

1. There really is no reason for him to remain married to you is there? He doesn't really have a home, he has some place to visit and frankly he is right, you do want his money but you don't want to be inconvenienced by moving to where he can find a job.

2. He is now simply a visitor with priviledges when you decide to offer them to him.

3. He has taken a huge hit emotionally to lose a job at his age. I am betting he feels like a complete failure although he now has a job, he has no life.

4. He is missing the kids growing up and he sees that he really is NOT needed in their lives or yours for that matter.

5. If he feels you use sex to control him then that is what he feels, but I would also say you have exerted alot of control by sending him off and not following him, because it was convenient for you. I know you have children, but my family grew up in the military and I went to 14 schools before I graduated high school. So did my sisters...we have all been successful partly because of the moves not inspite of them.


6. You said
Point out where he is wrong. If he divorces you, he can have a life, he might find someone who wants to be with him and appreciates him. When was the last time any of your children thanked him for what he does? When was the last time you did? Would you want to live in his apartment? Would you change places with him and leave your family to support them while he stayed where he was comfortable surrounded by his kids?

Now I realize this sounds as if I am picking on you, but you cannot make changes until you know what you need to address. There are many tools on this site that can help you improve this marriage and I hope you take the time to read them.

I am guessing at your H's age, but I would say mid 40's to perhaps a bit older. Good time for a mid-life crisis. Good time to start looking at your life as you are getting closer to the end than the beginning. What do you think he sees as his future? He sees YEARS of that apartment. He sees YEARS of not really seeing the kids. He sees years of being a stranger in his own home. Why would anyone sign up for that??

I will relate a story to you. I used to travel extensively. I had been gone for almost two weeks on this trip. We have three children. I literally worked days and nights to finish my work early and catch a flight home a couple of days early. You know what my wife said when I walked in the door? "What are you doing here? You are messing up my schedule."

MissU, please think about this. This situation can be changed but it is going to take time and effort, and yes my bet is he is very depressed, but the reasons for it are not a mystery.

Please think about this carefully. You need a plan, and you need to evaluate what is really important to you.

God Bless,

JL

My mother used to tell me that when the kids are grown and gone, it will be you and your husband - alone - in the house -

So...you need to nurture that relationship so that you HAVE something there - a friendship - a closeness...things in common...

You've put your children first, and that's part of the problem. Your job is to put your husband first, and your children second.

You've taught your children what marriage means to you by putting it second. They will use that as a gauge in their own relationships.

Get him to a doctor for meds for the depression, for sure.

But then, I have to agree you really need to consider moving. This decision has cut him to the core - everything he's supposed to be, on top of losing his job and the self-respect that went with it, are now meaningless. You are indeed, getting along just fine without him. Not without his paycheck, but without him. He is right. Think about what his life is like. Every day, M-Th, he leaves work, stops at a restaurant, eats alone, and goes to a hotel/apartment, where he sits alone, watches tv alone all night, and then goes to sleep. Then he makes the 3 hour drive, to find out you guys have been living the life he's supposed to be part of, without him, and doing just fine. How can he not hate his life?

Do you and the kids talk to him every single day on the phone? Do you plan special events every weekend that don't involve housework or honey-do's? Do you greet him at the door with a kiss and a hug every Friday night, and thank him for the sacrifice he's making for the family? Do you have a great meal waiting for him every Friday, at which you and all the kids sit down and talk to him about what he did all week and also what you did? Do you have special makeup parties for any birthdays he's not home for? Do you get your family in his city to spend time with him, invite him over, do things with him so the time apart isn't so lonely and like a prison sentence?

Do you see what I'm saying? His life sucks! And I agree that moving kids is often better for them than staying somewhere for the stability and same old friends. Moving is phenomenal for teaching them adaptability, better people skills, working over adversity, self-confidence...

I'm sorry, but I can't give you a pass on this one, unless you've been doing all the things I described above. Throughout history, families have moved because of the father's work. Are you sure you're not moving because of you? This is a time to be honest with yourself. Your kids are about to lose their father.

Miss Understood,

I think you've been given some very good advice already. It is important to understand how your husband feels, and he has probably felt this way for a long time. I agree that you not living with him would have taken a toll on his emotional well-being.

I don't have anything to add to that. I just wanted to drop by and encourage you to let your husband know how much he means to you. If you want to save your marriage... you have the power to do so. He feels you don't really need him. Now that you're faced with losing him, you can probably feel just how much you do need him - not his paycheck, not his support... but HIM.

If you can do this in a dramatic fashion - like making the decision to move the family to be with him - it will likely go a long way in helping him reconsider his desire to leave the marriage.

He is probably really starved right now for some sign that you value him as a person. If you show him that... who knows what might happen?

A supportive and loving wife is SUCH a powerful positive influence on her husband. That should be you. That can be you.

HI, MU, welcome to MB! I am sorry to hear the circumstances that brought you here. You are getting a lot of great input that I hope helps you with awareness and insight into the situation. And I think the MB plan will help you turn this thing around into a life that you and your H will enjoy.

That said, I know how painful it is when a spouse says they want out, and they are willing divorce in order to make that happen. Especially when you have kids to tend to and are trying to appear okay when you've just been hit with a train wreck. I want to encourage you to read the article What To Do When Your Spouse Leaves.

You're not alone, hon. As you see above, many of us also have faced situations that we didn't know that we were brave enough to. You can do this!

(((MU)))

MissU,

How are things going? Have you had any discussions with your H?

JL

Sorry for the two-by-four, but it sounds to me like you put your kids and their schooling ahead of your husband when you insisted that they continue to go to school where you live. Surely there are schools near where your H works? Why not move and send the kids to school there? Are the schools where you are now THAT much better than the ones near his work? To the point that having your children be the product of some pretigious school system is more important than your marriage?

I have a buddy who lived/worked in a community with a great local school system. He lost his job. He found a new job halfway across the country. The wife and kids moved to this new area with him. Sure, the kids had to leave their prestigious school system and their friends, but I'd be willing to bet that their exposure to this new place, making new friends in a new school, is actually enriching for them. Kids are incredibly resilient.

People move all the time, both with and without kids. I changed schools when I was in fourth grade, then had to move due to changing jobs a couple times. Instead of dreading it, I looked at it as an adventure. Now I concede it is probably a lot harder when kids are high school age, but after the senior graduates, why not consider moving to where your H works?

I can't say that I blame him for feeling the way he does. It has got to be difficult being away from your family all week long and feeling like you are little more than a paycheck.

Sorry for the two-by-four and my less than diplomatic delivery.