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TMT,
Sounds like your wife may be done at this point!
Are you still willing to do whatever it takes to be the GREAT MAN you said you want to become and to help her heal no matter what the outcome??
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Thanks TST. I'm dying inside, but trying to revive myself at the same time, with God's help.
I feel for TML's wife.
Husband was unfaithful to me before and after our marriage, at least 7 times. I found out 13 yrs into the marriage. Trickle truth for an entire year. Several different d-days, so it was more like a d-year. Difficult recovery.
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Quit expecting anything from your wife. She's not going to be the least bit interested until you stop making it about yourself. All I hear is you, you, you. Absolutely. It is all about what he can get, and very little about what he can do or what he has done.
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TMT,
It sounds to me as if you are ONLY going to X, Y or Z *IF* it will ABSOLUTELY win your wife back.
WRONG attitude.
Immediately, and I do mean immediately, STOP putting conditions on your behavior. I can assure you that this is pushing your BS away. You have put conditions on your behavior towards her from virtually the beginning of your marriage and she sees right throught it at this point.
You appear to be figuring out how *little* you can actually get away with doing instead of figuring out how *MUCH* you can do to show her how much you want her as your wife. I would bet my house that that is how your wife sees you now.
Make a list(you have been given fabulous ideas here) of things you can do to SHOW her(in actions) that you care about HER more than YOURSELF. THEN DO THEM!!!!! Just go right down the list(with a cheerful attitude I might remind you!!) and do them all. Stop waiting to see IF any of them will help YOUR case. STOP worrying about how YOU feel and start worrying ONLY about how SHE feels. You have the rest of your life to get over YOUR feelings but you have a very small window of time here to do right by your wife.
I do not know how the posters here can make it any clearer to you. You are making every excuse in the book to KEEP from taking major steps toward "just compensation". JUST DO IT!!!!!!
Come out of the fog man. The lights are on. IF you want a real marriage NOW is the time.
As an example of what I mean, stop waiting to see if she wants a Post-Nup. Just go do it, present it to her and let her see HOW MUCH *YOU* are willing to do, even if it means NO reward for yourself.
Here's the truth(get ready for it!!) SHE IS *WAITING* TO SEE HONEST AND GENUINE CHANGE FROM YOU. Based on what you are saying, your wife has NO intention of negotiating your behavior and giving you a *chance*. She's already done that and it doesn't seem to have worked out too well for her. So NOW, YOU have to change, PROVE it and THEN she will decide where she is and IF she's going to give you a chance.
Unfortunately, you are clearly sending her the message that YOU are waiting to see if *SHE* is going to change HER attitude towards YOU and THEN you will take action to save your marriage.
BACKWARDS!! And it isn't going to work.
The worst that can POSSIBLY happen if you take the great advice that all these posters have given you is that you will turn yourself into an outstanding, productive human being who will now have the skills necessary to REALLY love someone and your wife will leave anyway(as is her perogative because of your betrayals). And you will STILL be an outstanding, productive, loving human being.
What is it you really want? JUST DO IT!!!
WH2LE I thought I'd just quote this so that it appears twice, as it is fabulous...
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Takola,
You honor me. Thank you. Because I am still a newbie here, I worry every time I post. (I posted here because I am with mopey. This thread is making me want to jump out of my skin.) I wish TMT's wife would post.
Blessings,
WH2LE
Oops! I just read H@23's thread.
Last edited by Wknghrd2LoveEasy; 04/07/08 04:57 PM.
WH2LE
BS(Me)-57
FWH-54
Married-5/26/2001(2nd for me, 1st for him)
DS-30
DD-27
D-Day-05/31/2007
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No, I'm not running from help, I dont want to continue to talk to people who tell me I cant do something. Anything is possible. I just need/ want positive hard nose encouragement. You can call it tough love, but somethings didnt seem as though they were said out of love, but their opinion of how bad a person I am. As far as how hard this road can go, I have the slightest idea, where it will take me, I'm just trying gather tools to be prepared to take it. I just dont want to feel people (who are sincerely here to help me overcome my issues) sticking their leg out to trip along the way. Why would they tell you you can do something when you haven't given a shred of evidence that you can? So far, all you've demonstrated is that you have the emotional response going, are still pretty much in a wayward state of mind and that you are looking for someone else to bail you out of the situation you've created. So, given what you've demonstrated as of the writing of the post I've quoted here, I'd agree with the assessment so far. That doesn't mean it has to be that way. But it does mean you have to own your behavior in a real way, not just casually as if you were caught with your hands in the cookie jar, but in a what I did was really stupid and I don't deserve forgiveness, but I'm asking for your forgiveness fashion. Words are cheap, put it out there if you love your wife. Put your things, your kids, everything out there and say it's all hers, regardless of if she wants you or not. Scary huh? Now you know just a part of what she feels being betrayed, scared.
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TMT...have you ever hit your wife?
I ask because you seem to have some control issues to go along with your lack of sincerity. If you have, I can help steer the both of you towards the help that you need to get away from these issues.
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Okay, TMT:
What have you ACTIVELY DONE to fix this marriage?
I haven't posted in a couple of days. By now, you should have been able to:
1. Make an appointment with a counselor.
2. Written No Contact letters and given copies to your wife.
3. Given a copy of your emails, cell phone numbers, and any passwords to your wife.
4. Set up an appointment to talk to your pastor.
Those four things are at least do-able. Right?
Have you done them?
I ask, because I see you have posted.
Make some phone calls. If you cannot afford counseling, ask your pastor for counseling, and ASK HIM IF YOU CAN WORK IT OFF AT THE CHURCH.
I'm sure they need trees planted, the homeless fed, the church van driven to pick up children for Sunday School, the elderly helped on Wednesday evenings to get to Bible Study, and a host of things that are broken that need fixed or cleaned up and painted. Make yourself useful.
Get 'er done. Stop talking about it and start DO-ING IT.
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Okay, TMT:
What have you ACTIVELY DONE to fix this marriage?
I haven't posted in a couple of days. By now, you should have been able to:
1. Make an appointment with a counselor.
2. Written No Contact letters and given copies to your wife.
3. Given a copy of your emails, cell phone numbers, and any passwords to your wife.
4. Set up an appointment to talk to your pastor.
Those four things are at least do-able. Right?
Have you done them?
I ask, because I see you have posted.
Make some phone calls. If you cannot afford counseling, ask your pastor for counseling, and ASK HIM IF YOU CAN WORK IT OFF AT THE CHURCH.
I'm sure they need trees planted, the homeless fed, the church van driven to pick up children for Sunday School, the elderly helped on Wednesday evenings to get to Bible Study, and a host of things that are broken that need fixed or cleaned up and painted. Make yourself useful.
Get 'er done. Stop talking about it and start DO-ING IT. Hi SchoolBus, Well, I havent done alot. I have spoken to my employer about what my health care covers, then next, Blue Cross. I then searched around and found one really great Psychologist that specializes in Marriage, Infidelity, Divorce, Spiriuality, and only to find out they are out of network, and would cost the same as Steve. I have a telephone appointment however with a counselor that fits some of that tomorrow at 7:30. I haven't written the new contact letter, I actually, have to recontact the person to send them the letter, b/c I dont have her email address to send it to her, so I was a little hesitate about that, but its definitely a can do, just how should I go about the recontact to get the email address. She has always had all my passwords to everything since we started dating. I havent change my cell number YET, but I'm going to this week. I talked to my pastor on Sunday, and he is suppose to be getting back with me on a date, but I'll be proactive again on tomorrow evening if he has yet to respond. i have told my parents everything. I'm not sure if she is ready, If I should just call hers, what do you think. I remember someone saying something about it before, so I had been thinking about it, and I know she hasnt told them yet, but I dont know how she would feel if I told them, again what do you think. Aside from those few things, I've really just had a hard time focusing at work, I not only havent accomplished all the things you asked, but I havent been being very productive at work, so I really need to get this psychologist ASAP.
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TMT
WHY should your wife take you back?
WHAT do you bring to the table? By my previous actions she shouldnt take me back. However, she could allow me time, to make things right or as they should have been. Why should she take me back... there is no honest reason as of today. I repeat, I'm not asking her back fully, only a chance to prove myself. Why Should she give me a chance to prove myself..she shouldnt, but I need it, if this is going to work with the two of us. I will change and become a great man, but if she doesnt give me this last chance, I will become a great man for another woman, and not be in the same household with my daughter as she grows up. I'm not sure what you mean by your second question, could you explain. Basically it's what others have asked you. What are you willing to do? Specifically. How are you going to prove yourself? What PERMANENT changes are you going to make?
BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
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I'm not sure if she is ready, If I should just call hers, what do you think. IMO, don't call hers unless she has agreed to it. Even though the BS did not have the A, there is alot of shame felt for it. There is also embarrassment. This should be her decision, not yours. However she should be made aware that you have been discussing your A with others so she is not blindsided.
BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
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If you have a house, sign it over to her - show her that your possessions mean nothing to you, as part of restitution. I think I've seen this suggestion tossed around once or twice. Personally, I think this not a wise thing to do. Signing over your home is certainly an extraordinary act but I don't think that's what Dr. Harley intends when he speaks of just compensation and extraordinary precautions. Sell the home perhaps and move to a new area away from the OP. Change jobs or even careers if necessary to remove oneself from the environment that nurtured the affair. Just compensation isn't a monetary windfall for the BS. It is acts of good faith (extraordinary precautions) by the WS to affair proof the marriage. jmo What else do people think about this. As of today, she tells me she loves me, but doesnt want to stay to get hurt all over again. So, she would like for me to leave the home after graduation, when she will then file for separation. At this time, i must found somewhere else to stay. Granted, this means she doesnt have to uproot our 11 month old daughter. Is this the typical thing that most people do? What is the term abandonment really mean in court. What type of rights am I giving up with this action. I'm really considering it, but I would really like to know peoples' opinion about how it worked or didnt work for them. To be even more transparent. I typical make after taxes and things are taking out about $2300 a month. $787 goes to mortgage $333 car payment $175 car insurance $160 family plan cell phone $90 Electric $100 Gas Bill $310 Deeply Discounted Daycare That 1955, and we still havent eaten, brought baby products (diapers, food), put gas in the car, pay minimal on credit cards, and/or medical bills, or student loans. I dont know where getting a new place with fit into that. I must be living in the homeless shelter, b/c mother lives 2 hours away, and the rest of my family 2 states north. And if I stay with friends, I'm going to have to fork over something. On top of that she is being told not to get a job. I need counseling, with is going to another $160 a month, if I go only once a week. This was the stupidest decision I've ever made!!!
Last edited by TooManyTimes; 04/08/08 12:36 AM.
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I would suggest that for legal advice, you either speak to a lawyer or find out the rules for your state as they are all different.
Finances...I would get rid of the car as it eats up too much of your income (both with insurance and the car payment). I also would strongly suggest getting a part time job as well.
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What else do people think about this. As of today, she tells me she loves me, but doesnt want to stay to get hurt all over again. I was betrayed by my former wife. I didn't know it at the time, but everyone here suspected it. When she said she wanted to move out, wanted space, etc, I couldn't eat or sleep for the better part of a month. I think I lost about 30 pounds in 3 months I could eat. Eventually after a few weeks, I could sleep again because I was just so exhausted. It's only by the grace of God that I didn't die in my car. I questioned everything and wondered what I did wrong, how I had failed, when she was just having an affair. So then, almost three months later, I found out about that too. So, she would like for me to leave the home after graduation, when she will then file for separation. At this time, i must found somewhere else to stay. Granted, this means she doesnt have to uproot our 11 month old daughter. Is this the typical thing that most people do? What is the term abandonment really mean in court. What type of rights am I giving up with this action. I'm really considering it, but I would really like to know peoples' opinion about how it worked or didnt work for them.
To be even more transparent. I typical make after taxes and things are taking out about $2300 a month.
$787 goes to mortgage
$333 car payment
$175 car insurance
$160 family plan cell phone
$90 Electric
$100 Gas Bill
$310 Deeply Discounted Daycare
That 1955, and we still havent eaten, brought baby products (diapers, food), put gas in the car, pay minimal on credit cards, and/or medical bills, or student loans.
I dont know where getting a new place with fit into that. I must be living in the homeless shelter, b/c mother lives 2 hours away, and the rest of my family 2 states north. And if I stay with friends, I'm going to have to fork over something. On top of that she is being told not to get a job. I need counseling, with is going to another $160 a month, if I go only once a week.
This was the stupidest decision I've ever made!!!
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Do I want to commit actions that signify I'm encouraging divorce? Wouldnt i have a negative reaction by doing things that accepting of divorce and seperation? Is this what everyone is saying that they did, or I should do?
Logically, I was thinking that I would want to keep telling myself I have another chance, so that it helps me keep my drive going to achieve some of the tougher goals. For instance, I've always said since my graduation, I wanted to gain another five pounds of muscle, but it hasnt happened I think b/c I didnt have anything to drive me to that achievement. Or I've heard people say they didnt lose want until their children made a comment or something like that. I think people need a driving force sometimes, and if dont accept what maybe, but look on to what could be, wouldnt I be better off...?
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I am not suggesting that you encourage divorce. You have legal questions that you want answers to...most likely you can find them online. As far as another job and the car, that is just sound financial advice.
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To be even more transparent. I typical make after taxes and things are taking out about $2300 a month.
$787 goes to mortgage
$333 car payment
$175 car insurance
$160 family plan cell phone
$90 Electric
$100 Gas Bill
$310 Deeply Discounted Daycare
That 1955, and we still havent eaten, brought baby products (diapers, food), put gas in the car, pay minimal on credit cards, and/or medical bills, or student loans.
I dont know where getting a new place with fit into that. It's really too bad that all WS don't look at these type of consequences while they are pondering infidelity. I'd get a cheaper car, if not lose that one completely. There are many running cars that are maybe kind of old, but will get you around. With a cheaper car, your insurance will be less expensive as well. I'd also look into buying out the contract on the family cell phone plan. Cell phones are very nice, but not a necessity. For emergencies, you can pick up a pre-paid cell or even a phone card. If your wife has been told not to work, why the $310 for daycare?
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i am going to assume the daycare is for while she is in school full time.
you say this is the stupidest mistake you ever made?
no, you have made several stupid mistakes, this last one just finally bit you in a** but good.
tell us, if your wife wasn't finally leaving you, would you be so motivated to change?
and, you need to change because it is the right thing to do. so, if your wife wants divorce, then you have no motivation to change?
good lord help the next woman that gets involved with you then!
yes, you should have thought of finances before unzipping your pants. if she wants you to leave, grant her that. she deserves to have the house for her and your daughter to live in. go to a therapist that is covered by your insurance because you aren't going to be able to afford to pay for one out of pocket. not sure what state you are in, but child support will probably cost you anywhere from 17-23% off of your gross minus fica, for one child.
you will have to pay at least 50% of the child care as well.
you made your bed several times over, you may just have to lie in it. you will either have to stay with a friend or move back to family.
if your wife does take you back, IF, i sure hope you have learned your lesson. don't ever screw her over again like this. i think a little time on your own, moved out, and really feeling the consequences of your multiple actions might good for you.
mlhb
God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.
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Take on a 2nd job - you need to be bringing in enough to cover the costs of divorce worst case scenario.
Get your resume in circulation for a better paying job. focus on your head and heart instead of muscle mass for a while. You have a baby to take care of.
Motivation? Let it be doing the right things for the right reasons, instead of what it will get you - after all - what it will get you is what got you into this mess in the first place.
You'll find the counselor to be dirt-cheap compared to lawyers.
Last edited by KaylaAndy; 04/08/08 08:13 AM.
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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On top of that she is being told not to get a job. IF you were SERIOUS about helping your wife heal and doing whatever is necessary to facilitate that, you would NOT be reading her thread. You would, instead, allow her the support and help she needs. I figured that comment on your wife's thread would prove important. And I did not tell her NOT to get a job. I told her to consult an attorney. How unfair it would be for her to put up with all the s%hit you have pulled in your marriage, and then get a great job and actually have to pay YOU something. IF you were serious YOU would be less concerned with taking care of yourself. You do not yet COMPREHEND the level of betrayal you have committed. I wish you did, because your wife NEEDS you to "go there".
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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