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I'm back.

One of the concerns I have is that you focus here a lot on what to do for the divorce - how to protect your finances, etc.

While that is important, and it does have its place, the main thrust of your life right now while you are still living with your wife should be

PERSONAL CHANGE

I hope you understand that.

Because if you expect to save your marriage, there is nothing else that will do it.

NOTHING ELSE WILL SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE EXCEPT PERSONAL CHANGE.


You must come to that realization and accept it, and stop everything else in your life.

Stop worrying about money.

Stop wondering what your wife is doing - because YOU cannot and do not control it. You control only one person in the marriage - yourself - and you have done a completely rotten job of that. (Sorry, the truth is what it is.)

Stop thinking about "what if" scenarios.


START:

Focusing on the idea that you need to take personal and positive action in your life to rehabilitate your mind and soul.

This affair was not about your wife. It was not about the sex life you two did or did not have. It was not about how much your wife weighed. It was not about how pretty your wife is. It was not about how much your wife spent. It was not about how much time your wife let you have out with the boys. It was not about your wife....anything.

This affair was was about issues within you that resulted in you allowing your personal morals to degenerate to the point where committments and vows to others meant nothing. Issues within you that caused you to focus on only what you wanted and felt, to the total exclusion of the needs and desires of others - including those you actually loved - despite the fact that the whole time you KNEW you did not want to hurt them, and did so anyway. Issues that made it far more important to pursue a temporary "fix" of pride and glory, of sexual conquest - and to ignore the pain you were causing to someone who loved you, and in the same breath, to yourself, although you never even saw it coming until now.

Lots of personal issues, right there in that paragraph.

Because, TMT, you have lots of personal change to take care of.

Don't sweat the small stuff - and believe me, if you work on the personal change, this divorce stuff might just take care of itself. You COULD make enough change in the right direction - if you made REAL CHANGE - that the door could open a crack on your wife's side. That would be the correct door - one that you don't want to throw the key away on, right?


If it were me, I would make a move in the direction of some sort of post-nup. I would hand write it myself, and commit to it, and ask her to delay a divorce for a certain period of time, asking her to allow you to show her POSITIVE change. I would leave it up to her to say yes or no. It is in her hands - you've messed this up, and she has every right to say no. You could draft a post-nup, and agree that after a certain period of time if you do not demonstrate clear and positive change to her liking and satisfaction, you will sign a divorce in accordance with the post-nup....just buying you a little time to make some changes. It might make both of you feel a little more stability in terms of finances and risk if things don't stabilize in the marriage for either of you.

But then, it's on you - and you don't have much time anyway, TMT. But you have to drop your defensiveness, and move ahead to the change phase, now. Unfortunately, you do not have the luxury of sitting back and taking your time.

I don't know that she would go for it. I have not read her thread, but most say she's done. But she still says she loves you. Perhaps there is hope. I'm always optimistic if there is love.


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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So tell me, why should the unfaithful party get ANYTHING in the case of a divorce. You break the marriage, I (as well as others) believe the unfaithful party should walk away with either nothing, or nothing more than what he/she had when entering the marriage.

Because they may be legally entitled to, despite what they might really deserve in the eyes of a BS.

TMT, before you or your wife sell, sign over or liquidate any marital property, you should each consult with an attorney.

You should also consult with a marriage professional or better yet, the Harley's themselves. If your marriage has a chance in hell of surviving this, you will need a plan.

You can read the material on this site, buy the books, read and post on the boards and basically "wing it" all by yourself, but your chances of success will be greatly diminished.







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Originally Posted by Enlighted_Ex
What I'm saying is that if one is really remorseful, they would be willing to give up any marital property, sending a clear message that they have betrayed not only their spouse, but the family. That they are willing to abide by the decisions of the betrayed. That they let go of any assets built up during the marriage, continue to shoulder any debts created in the marriage, and work on themselves, figuring out how to survive on their own as well as continue to support the family they created and betrayed.

It is action such as this, consistently done that sends the message that the unfaithful spouse owns his/her own behavior, recognizing that the decision is ultimately up to the betrayed spouse as to where things go from here.

I think anything short of this is just entitlement, I.E. "me" mentality.

I agree with you here. I'm not disagreeing with you on any of this, actually. What someone is legally entitled to is another matter, though. My point is that, either way, he's not looking at keeping all the things he lists as possible losses if he signs a post-nup. He's just not being realistic with that expectation. Most of it will be gone anyway. That's the stark reality of separation and divorce that he needs to realize.

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Originally Posted by ba109
You should also consult with a marriage professional or better yet, the Harley's themselves.

I agree that a professional is called for. This is way, way beyond self-help at this point. I'd also go so far as to say that it is way, way beyond phone counseling. Depending upon the numbers you accept, between 70 and 90 percent of communication is nonverbal. All of that communication is needed for a counselor to help in this situation, and this man needs face time with a counselor. He also needs quality individual therapy, because serial infidelity, lying, and manipulation of this sort is often coupled with behavioral and psychological issues. These issues aren't worked out on a message board, over the phone, and doing self-help books. In fact, it takes years with a good therapist. Personally, I suggest a clinical psychologist. Do not go with a MSW, it needs to be someone trained and skilled with psychology.

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Originally Posted by Enlighted_Ex
TMT,

Let me add one more thing to drive this home.

Affairs are abuse, plain and simple. You need to own this one. You speak about your pastor or priest, so unless your vows meant nothing, you have violated a foundation of your faith, desecrated a sacrement if your Catholic.

According to biblical teach, marriage is God's metaphor for His relationship with us, and you have abused your wife by breaking your vows, pure and simple.

I think you need to let this sink in, your behavior up to this point has been abusive.

If you are not willing or able to accept this, then there is no hope that you will ever progress to a better place with respect to your wife.

You may still never get there because she has closed that door. Frankly, if she has, I would not blame her.

But if you want any hope, you need to accept that you have done this. You may not understand it, but understand it's one of the most hurtful things you can do to another human being.

Start there.

This is excellent advice.

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Well, I havent done alot.

That's the problem. Start doing a lot of work focused solely on yourself and your behavior, and not on her and what she's doing.

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I have spoken to my employer about what my health care covers, then next, Blue Cross. I then searched around and found one really great Psychologist that specializes in Marriage, Infidelity, Divorce, Spiriuality, and only to find out they are out of network, and would cost the same as Steve.

I strongly suggest the best counselor you can get, but if you cannot (really cannot after you cut expenses for things you don't need) afford that one, get one that is in-network.

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I have a telephone appointment however with a counselor that fits some of that tomorrow at 7:30.

Well, that's a start. What type of counselor?

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I haven't written the new contact letter, I actually, have to recontact the person to send them the letter, b/c I dont have her email address to send it to her, so I was a little hesitate about that, but its definitely a can do, just how should I go about the recontact to get the email address.

If you know how to contact her, you should be able to get the letter to her without any further contact. Mail it to an address.

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She has always had all my passwords to everything since we started dating.

Ok, after the post was going so well, you set off my BS detector again. It is buzzing loudly, because in your first post you say, "My wife caught me the first time when she found a private email I was using. From that email, She found out that I had been having sex with 2 different women, and still contacting a person that she forbidded me to talk to."

Now, let us try again. Give her all the URLs and passwords for every single account (including IM, message boards, and chat rooms) that you have. Period. Do not clear out your history, emails, or sent items in any of those accounts. Do not, no matter what it says. The lack of history, sent items, and received items is a red flag that you are still being dishonest. She will see it that way. No exception unless it is your MB one (small exception noted for that one). Please don't say that she's always had them since you were dating, as that directly contradicts what you say in your first post. It isn't helping your credibility.

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I havent change my cell number YET, but I'm going to this week.

Do it ASAP, with no excuses for a delay. In fact, you need to change your cell number each and every time contact happens, too.

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I talked to my pastor on Sunday, and he is suppose to be getting back with me on a date, but I'll be proactive again on tomorrow evening if he has yet to respond.

I think this is a great step, and your pastor can be a source of important spiritual guidance. However, keep it to personal spiritual guidance. It isn't about what your wife does or doesn't do, it is about your path. A pastor isn't a very good marriage counselor, in general. Remember that part, as well. There are some exceptions, but as a rule they aren't very good at marriage counseling and individual mental/behavioral health issues. Spiritual, yes.

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i have told my parents everything.

What you need to do is write a letter to your parents outlining everything you have done. Do not make excuses for your behavior. Do not justify it. Just list out everything that you have done, including the lies. Print two copies. Take them out, and (if and only if your wife is willing) put one inside an envelope and seal it in front of her. Address it, put a stamp on it, and mail it. Put the other copy in a second envelope, and hand it to your wife for if and only if she wants to read it. If she doesn't, that's fine and accept it. If she rips it up and throws it away, that's fine and accept it.

This is so that she can know (without relying on your credibilty, which doesn't exist) what you have told your family.

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I'm not sure if she is ready, If I should just call hers, what do you think. I remember someone saying something about it before, so I had been thinking about it, and I know she hasnt told them yet, but I dont know how she would feel if I told them, again what do you think.

Given where your wife is and what she wants (which is nothing to do with fixing the marriage), I strongly suggest that you not contact her family. Right now, that is her safe harbor, and it will only come across as manipulative from you. She will see it as you invading her safe harbor. Do not contact her family without her enthusiastic agreement.

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Aside from those few things, I've really just had a hard time focusing at work, I not only havent accomplished all the things you asked, but I havent been being very productive at work, so I really need to get this psychologist ASAP.

Seems to me that you need to really sit and think about your priorities, and adjust your efforts and time distribution accordingly.

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Well, the main reason I was speaking of details of divorce was after reading peoples post, it had me thinking of best and worst cases.

Actually today I had my first 2 hour session. And have another appt. on Thurday.

I think she will help me alot. My have the opportunity to attend 20 session through my insurance at the copay rate of $40.

Also, someone posted a control diagram or something on my wife's post, and my wife and I went over that today, and I presented it to my counselor. I allowed my wife to highlight what she thought i had issues with.

http://www.uic.edu/depts/owa/power_control-wheel.html

So, in her opinion I have with...


Intimidation
Abusing pets

Using Emotional Abuse
Making her feel guilty

Using Isolation
Controlling who she see, or what she does

Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming
Everything in that topic

Using Economy abust
Making her ask for money
Not let her know about family income

So, if you print and highlight those things, I have about 2 full sections to workon, in just those areas. So, this was great to find out.

Love is there, it just hasnt been show very well.

Well, next up,

Thursday: Post-Nup, Cell phone change, Second Session

Friday: Working 12+ hours... maybe find that third accountibility person.

Saturday: Family gathering for Baby's Birthday.

Bye for now...





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TMT.....

Now you're talking.

And just so you know if you don't already .....your wife's complaints are considered "abuse". Let that sink in and then start openly apologizing as you go.

It would serve you well to order that book "How Can I forgive you" by Janis & Springs. You can probably have it delivered to your door for less than $15. It will show you what steps to take to go after "genuine" forgiveness, which is what your wife needs to heal regardless of the outcome of your marriage. If you do this for her, it'll also help you to feel truly forgiven. If you do this, don't skip the steps or do it just once. She has A LOT to forgive you for and with a serial cheater, my guess is it'll take awhile for her to forgive in layers, and years, years, to trust again.


Last edited by mopey; 04/08/08 09:04 PM.

Husband was unfaithful to me before and after our marriage, at least 7 times. I found out 13 yrs into the marriage. Trickle truth for an entire year. Several different d-days, so it was more like a d-year. Difficult recovery.



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Originally Posted by TooManyTimes
Logically, I was thinking that I would want to keep telling myself I have another chance, so that it helps me keep my drive going to achieve some of the tougher goals. For instance, I've always said since my graduation, I wanted to gain another five pounds of muscle, but it hasnt happened I think b/c I didnt have anything to drive me to that achievement. Or I've heard people say they didnt lose want until their children made a comment or something like that. I think people need a driving force sometimes, and if dont accept what maybe, but look on to what could be, wouldnt I be better off...?

TMT
Want a driving force?
READ some of the BS stories here!!! QueeniesNewLife, Phoenix4, Hopeandpray, LASunshine and many many more.
There, you will read minute by minute the suffering that they went through.
TMT, I am a FWW and when I started reading all of these stories, I could finally started to understand a little bit of his pain. When I was reading I tried to put myself in my H shoes, I was devastated to realize what I had done to him. For the past 15 months I have made my BEST efford to help him heal, and even thoug a lot of people tell me that it has been a long time, I do not listen to them cause I WILL be here for him all the time that HE needs to heal no matter what!!
See TMT, me and you can only IMAGINE what they are going through and the pain that they are feeling, we could NEVER understand that feeling completely because we have never been there.
I would ALWAYS be grateful to God and H for giving me another chance to recover my M!
If you get another one, please don't blow it off, and be patient with her because recovery is VERY hard.
I will be praying for you and for your wife.
God Bless.
A

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Thanks Angie1718, and I've read your post as well. Its so hard for me, I'm up all night, and I cant eat, and I just multiple that by 10, and even then I can only imagine how she feels. I pray that God is comforting her where I have failed to.

Actually, she sort of gone to another male for comfort. The next day after she found out, one of the guys that study the same subject as she, she began to look him up online. I had never met the guy, nor had she ever mention this person as being in the study group. I asked her about her looking him up, and she claimed it was nothing, and she only saw him in her professors office. She never looked up anyone else from this group, or even talk about him. This was April 1.

So, two days ago, Apr 6, I'm calling her to go to lunch, and I go to the science complex, and I find her in a room with just her and him, and I can tell by the look on her face she was embrassed, b/c I'm calling her, as I walk in and she is talkin to him. That night she admits to being attracted to him. Again, I knew nothing of this person before she find out about my phone conversations.

Today, I drop her off to class she has at 1pm, at 1:02. I go home to get my bag, and decide I wanted to go to her professor and asked if he graded her paper early like he told me he would, and I find her not in class but again with him in a room. This is only 1:30, so she never went to class.

So, I asked her again, feeling like I already knew, are more than just friends. Answer is still "no". Later tonight, after we laid the baby down to sleep, she asked me how I'd feel about something regarding a hypathetical (sp.) situation, and of course I'd be upset. So, I ask her, has she told him that we are having problems, and are getting a divorce. She does this slight grin when she is about to lie, and she did it! So, I ask her specifically what she said, and she only admitted to saying she told him "just pray for my marriage". I asked if he knew she wanted a divorce, she said "no", I could tell they both were lies. She started to ask me why I wanted to know, and why I would even ask, did I know something, had I talk to someone.

Lately, she says something like "well, it doesnt matter we're getting a divorce remember", when we cant agree on something. She had been saying this to me 3 or 4 times a day about different issues.

Well this was my chance to say it first and I did unfortunately. So to be smart I said "Why do you want to know why I'm asking about him, remember your divorce me anyway" I knew that I probably shouldnt have said that and it hurt me more to say it, than it did for me to her it. I was so sure she was lying though. She gets mad and storms out. Of course, I know I've made her upset, and I cant help but follow, I apolgize, we take a shower together and after the shower she later admits to "only" today have been talkin to him about our problems, and telling him we are getting a divorce. I tell her, that when I talked to that woman on the phone, I told her about issues, and it made me feel great to have someone that "said" they understood, and was in my favor. I asked who else has she told, and I think that gave her a realization that turned to him since finding out the hurt, b/c she has only told her sister and one mutual friend, out of all the people she could have talked to it about. I feel like I've pushed her into the arms of another man.

I've also noticed that she has been reading all the old emails from the second affairs, and I think that is playing an another part in her emotions running up and down.

So is now in the other bedroom, and I so wished there was someway I could comfort her. YES, I know, its not my place anymore, I lost that privilege. I just think that if she continues in this hurt state of confounding in him, and not Him, that I will probably not have a chance in hell. I mean, I know the grass looks green. It doesnt have to look much better than the lawn I have, cuz I have no grass as of today. But I did spread some seed smile when I completed some task.

Well...Im done venting... please pray I stay encouraged, focused, worry less and trust in the Lord.

Last edited by TooManyTimes; 04/09/08 05:12 AM. Reason: I replied to the wrong person
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Rather than reply on your wife's thread, let's address the violence issue here. btw - your explanation on her thread did not really help your case - it just demonstrated clearly the root cause of your marital difficulty.

There is the same core fundamental root in the psyche of someone who abuses animals and people who have affairs. It's a developmental problem that I firmly believe can be resolved. So I recommend you discuss and work through the issue with the therapist that you're working with now. Kudos by the way, for taking that step.

The fundamental developmental gap is empathy. Sometimes children are not taught this skill, or the skill is not nurtured as part of childhood survival - playground, home, whatever.

I had a niece who went through puppies like crazy. One she had tied a leash on, then took it down the slide with her, and the leash got hung up on the top with the dog strangling on the line below. It died. That could have been classified as an accident, but her parents missed a teaching moment with this little girl - 3 at the time, to teach her empathy and care for her pets. They got her another puppy at age 4. Our families were at the school watching the guys (my husband, her dad) beat each other up on the tennis court. She kept pulling the puppy's ears, just to hear it yelp. I took the puppy away from her, pulled her to my side and took her hand and showed her how to "touch nice". The minute I let her touch the dog without me controlling her hands, she got this expression of pure defiance on her face and yanked that puppy's ears so hard, my own impulse to slap my nice was hard-controlled. I took the puppy away from her again at which point she tattled to her mom that I was taking the puppy. Her mom looked at me like how dare I interfere with her parenting responsibilities - I handed the puppy back to my sister in law and said, "animal cruelty by a 4 yr old with parental permission is still animal cruelty. Don't do it in front of me or I will keep the dog from a premature death like the rest of your pets have met." We were not on good terms for a while.

When you "feel for" someone else's pain, you would do anything to prevent it. Controlling your temper is a maturity thing - it can be developed. I have a border collie who would give her life for any of us, or the children in the neighborhood. If I so much as tickle my son, she's working her way between us, even though she's 13 yrs old and now spends most of her life tottering between the space under my desk and the back step. She has empathy for her family. And she has been a big part of the development of empathy by my husband. While he was not violent, he wasn't careful with how he treated his family or his pets. But he is now.

Empathy will help you set aside your worries about yourself to take care of giving your wife what she needs.

Work closely with the therapist on this skill because it will help you so much no matter what happens. You are going to need this skill to not lash out at your baby. Imagine this scene one of my neighbors experienced - twin daughters, 2 yrs old - somehow got their diapers off and started painting the walls poopy! Imagine if you'll beat your dog for an accident, what will you do with your daughter in this situation? You can't say, "well that's different" - you can't - because your temper is your temper, and your reaction to stimulus is predetermined by split second triggers instead of thought.

That's how important this skill is!


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Why do you need to keep tabs on what her professor does?

TMT,

Again, this is about YOU. You have hurt this woman, maybe harmed her, and you want to drag what she's doing out in the open...for what?

When are you going to really focus on what you've done?

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The only thing I drug out in the open is our life, if you notice, I actually talk about events and things that happen. How can you or anyone else here get an understand or anything else without knowing what is fully going on.

I shouldnt post anymore about what we openly talk about at home. This may give you too many sides to look from, so I will no longer go read her post, therefore if anyone else has anything to respond to what I just posted on her post, post it here.

Lastly and again, I'm was being as open and honest as possible, so that everyone can fully read me, and understand me. If I were to truly to get help I must not be in denial about anything. I ask questions, and I try to answer question towards me honestly.

We have session with the psychologist together on monday, and starts separately after that. then we come back together when she has enough info about us individual.

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No, I see that you have dishonored your wife, repeatedly.

You admit that you have lied, repeatedly, so why should we believe you over her?

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Don't mean to be rude you but can believe whatever, whomever you wish, in the end it doesnt matter. Your opinion is still going to be controlled by what information you recieve and your obvious view of that person. I was the wayward spouse, so I in most peoples opinion here it seems as I do not deserve... ___________ you fill in the blank. Respect, grace, mercy, trust... whatever.

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You know my H was a serial cheater and lied to me about numerous affairs, and other garbage for 17 years.

After the initial d-day, which stretched into a d-year, with three more "confession sessions" and after each one telling me "that's all there is" and lying about some of those details, an inconclusive polygraph test, and lies by him still 4 months after the polygraph he says to me......

"I am upset that you don't know when I'm telling you the truth and when I'm not."

My jaw dropped.

Be patient. Don't get too defensive when your wife or someone here doesn't believe you, because you're capable of lying.

It'll take some time to prove that you're trustworthy in all things. Your wife will not be able to distinguish when you tell the truth and when you don't for quite some time.

And the worst thing you can do is to expect her to before you prove yourself. That's asking for the impossible. Who in their sane mind would automatically be able to trust a proven liar? It doesn't matter what you are, or are not, currently lying about.

Buckle up. It's going to take awhile and you'll need to carry the biggest part of the load for now. If you want your wife to heal with you that is.


Husband was unfaithful to me before and after our marriage, at least 7 times. I found out 13 yrs into the marriage. Trickle truth for an entire year. Several different d-days, so it was more like a d-year. Difficult recovery.



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You misunderstand me, I think. I have not said, and do not believe that you should be denied the things you stated.

I most certainly believe that you deserve grace and mercy. Trust is a different matter. That is something you earn. Only God really knows your heart.

So, in light of that, what are you doing to regain anyone's trust? Badgering your wife on her own thread is not going to do it. Harrassing her at home for things she's confided here doesn't do it.

Telling one story while she tells another doesn't do it.

Cheating on her and lying for years on end doesn't do it, either.

You are right that my trust in you means little. But you will not get the help you need if the folks here cannot believe what you say.

As long as you harp on her deeds instead of really taking a hard look at your own, and, I'd suggest, letting your wife go so that she can heal and grow, in the Lord apart from you, you will not gain you anything.

If you do those things, however, your marriage may have a chance in the long run.

Walk in the truth, even if the truth is not evident to us. God knows, and that's what is important.

PS. I honestly hope the best for your wife and you, and I have prayed for you, and will as often as I think of you two. At this point, though, I'm going to bow out.

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TMT,

What are you doing today?

Joined: May 2002
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Joined: May 2002
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I'm writing because, I have been the a cheating spouse for the past year. And she needs some real support, wisdom, and unbasis (sp.) knowledge.

TMT - just a reminder from your first post. The support your wife needs, and deserves, is the right to say anything she wants to say on HER thread AND that you NEVER post on her thread.

If you can't do that, then you are not serious about wanting "another chance." And that IS my very reasoned opinion AS a former Betrayed Spouse.


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Don't mean to be rude you but can believe whatever, whomever you wish, in the end it doesnt matter. Your opinion is still going to be controlled by what information you recieve and your obvious view of that person. I was the wayward spouse, so I in most peoples opinion here it seems as I do not deserve... ___________ you fill in the blank. Respect, grace, mercy, trust... whatever.

Another reminder, if you want those things, EARN them, don't "expect them to be simply given" when your past actions would argue for NOT giving them.

Key thought: Forgiveness does NOT remove consequences of the adultery and it does NOT mean that a marriage will survive unless "respect, grace, mercy, trust," ARE reestablished. This is a case of the "requirements" of recovery that involve "do as I DO, not as a I say" that gives a reason for a Betrayed Spouse to consider recovery as an option.

DO you want to be married to you wife?
DO you really intend to make needed changes?
DO you really intend to "conform your life to one of 'Christ-likeness?

It's time to CHOOSE, TMT.


Joined: Jan 2006
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TMT,

Okay, two lists:

Good list.

You contacted the counselor and had a session, made the arrangements with the insurance. Good job! I was really glad to hear that you feel like you made a connection with that therapist too - that will be important for you.

The fact that she gave you a list of your bad qualities? While it might bug you, it is PRICELESS, GOLDEN, WONDERFUL. She is willing to offer you the ticket to her needs, TMT. She has put in writing the exact plan for you to address in order to fix what she sees as "broken" in the relationship. Go to work on that list, and really read it. Ponder it. Delve into yourself and understand what it is, why you behave that way, and what you can do to change those behaviors.

You are still in the home. I think that is important. You need to pair this lucky event up with behavior that matches your intention. Take advantage of the fact that your wife is allowing you to remain in the house - even though you are not in the same room. This is really for your advantage, and I think you are not focused on this fact. You have a HUGE chance here to show her every single minute of every single day the changes you are making. You can go home, do some housework (YES, YOU CAN), fix at least one thing, and then take some time out to take care of the animals instead of abusing them. I think that if you start moving in the direction of putting your hands on the creatures in a loving way, you might find that compassion and empathy that you currently lack for them. If it is a dog, give him a bath. Take him for a walk. You need the exercise and the 15 minutes of thoughtful meditation, and you need to bond with him. Do it for yourself, and ultimately you and the animal will bond. Back to the idea - you are in the home - take the time to make your moments with your wife valuable. MEET HER EMOTIONAL NEEDS WHILE YOU ARE THERE. FOCUS ON HER, NOT ON YOURSELF. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, YOU ARE GIVEN THIS ONE SINGLE CHANCE, STOP THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF. I was yelling at you, I want you to hear me. It's important.

The bad:

The control issue is bad. This really goes to YOUR FEAR. I have to give you a little "old lady" advice here, so excuse me this one time.

Every time you feel the need to control her, follow her, or tell her how to "be" - ask yourself what YOU are afraid of. Because, TMT, that is really what you are trying to control. You are trying to keep her from doing something that YOU FEAR. Get to the fear, you answer the problem, and you won't need to exert that ridiculous control.

You will also feel a lot less stressed. It is extremely difficult to micromanage someone else's world, isn't it?

So stop - take the time to address that fear head-on, face it, speak it aloud, and tell your wife what the fear is, instead of controlling her and telling her what to do. It is far more attractive, and far more loving to do that.

Hurting the pets: Geez. Cut that garbage out. Period. Get a grip - and listen to Kayla on this topic. She hit it on the head. Nobody can respect this behavior, and you CAN control yourself. You MUST control yourself.



Plans for action?

Focus. Personal Change.

Read that list she gave you. It is GOLDEN. It is the roadmap of personal change you need to walk.


And don't freak about criticism. It is how you will grow. Lots of times the things that get you the most angry on here do that to you because they really do hit closest to the truth - and that is what makes them so hard to hear. Listen to those posts a little more closely, and ask yourself "does this hit too close to home?" before you respond. Weigh the advice more thoughtfully, because most of the people here worked hard to get to the point of helping you. What they say might hurt, but losing your wife and family will hurt worse. Listen, THINK, THINK again, and before you reply, ask someone else if what the person has posted might be true of you or your situation. Watch for others to understand/post, too, before you reply - the combined posts often lead you to more understanding. Take your time, but work fast............I hope you know what that meant.

Schoolbus

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