RB



Larry

RB,

You sound like a very good man.

RB65,

You are amazing.

I second that.

I know for 6 months, I was out of my mind. I could just barely hold the facade together long enough to get through a work day...then I would go home and fall apart. Sometimes I wouldn't make it that far. Thank goodness for tinted windows. Even now, those 6 months are a blur, like a half-forgotten movie I wasn't even involved in.

I would imagine that RB is going through something similar, as we all have. He appears to be handling it masterfully.

Good luck to you, RB. None of us deserve this.

Not amazing, just hanging on for dear life by a thread.

About contact with coworker, this was about a week after d-day. I actually think it was a good eye opener for her to find out that she wasn't special, she was just the flavor of the month.

Well, I'm off for a little run to help clear my head before we have to take DD12 to dance class and then out to dinner.

We'll be the judge of that!

Enjoy your evening!

Krazy,
Yu are exactly right. I've never been one to show my emotions too much. I tend to keep things to myself. But, even if it sounds like I'm doing okay, I am still struggling with everything 24/7. It will proably be a long time before this starts to get any easier.

RB...

What a picture of "Grace Under Fire" you are...WOW...AMAZING GRACE...

I am humbled by you...

I'll be praying for you and your family!

Mrs. W

RB,

My goodness, so much input going on here!

And the moderators threatening to shut down the rowdy crowd.

Those 7 points are so spot on, you sound like a very mature MB VET rather than a new arrival.

With your wife's acceptance with all of them, you are back on your way to rebuilding your M.

As far as the OC goes, whatever decision you both reach will be the right one. GOD BLESS YOU BOTH.

Now on a different note:

""She did tell me that her friend from work put her in contact with the other 2 women this guy had victimized and they told her a very similar story to what she had experienced.""

Because this OM was her boss in the company and there are two other woman victimized too, a sexual harassment lawsuit against the company would set everyone up very comfortably. This could be an option...I'm just saying!

Stay strong.

kirk

LOTS of pain nerves in the pocketbook!! If you're gonna kick 'em, aim for where it hurts...

Why should performances of The Nutcracker be limited to Christmas?

Just to add something concerning:

""Claiming Mary was a WW just because Jesus was supposedly conceived without man is not a fact, it is inaccurate, and it is offensive to many Christians.""

This reminded me of reading "The Last Temptation of Christ" by Nicholas Kazantzakis, from which Martin Scorcese made the movie.

In the beginning of the book, Joseph had a very hard time with Mary's pregnancy, thinking he was a BH.

The book was "offensive to many Christians" too, as was the movie. But the book was good and very powerful.

kirk

RB65,

I'll add my two cents although I realize you have ben hit with a barrage of posts.

Before my w and I were exclusive, and before our M, my W was date raped by what was a very good friend to both of us. The resulting rape resulted in my w becoming pregnant by this OM.

My W decided to leave for the west coast to be with her estranged father, and ultimately give birth to this OM's child.

It was a strange time for me as I could not understand this position, but she came back after the birth and never told me anything that had happened.

About two years into our M, my W finally told me the truth of why she had moved 3 thousand miles away. She gave bith to this child and put her up for adoption.

Upon learning this, I offered to go find the child and adopt her as my own, assuming she had not already been adopted. My w refused as she never told OM about the child because she did not want him in our lives, ever again.

As I sit here I'm looking out my back window looking at out neighbors young children bouncing up and down on a trampoline and gigling with child like laugter. I wished so many time over the decades of our M that I could have been the paternal father to this innocent child of my W's rape.

It's hard to sit back 40 years later and say I colda, shoulda, woulda.

My eyes well up just contemplating all this. That happens when you get older, you tend to look back instead of forward. Who looks forward to old age .?

My point in all of this, is that child was half of my W's. And with the deep abiding love I've had for here all of my life, HALF wouold hav been more than good enough for me. It would have made me ecstatic!!

Take time to mediate with God, ask him for the next right thing to do. He will not deny you in your time of crisis.

Prayers going up for you tonight!!

All blessings,
Jerry

RB,

I have been following your post since the first day you brought your broken heart and anger to this forum. You are a giant of a man! I could barely work for weeks after D-day. Only God got me through.

Jerry,

Yours is a wonderful, introspective viewpoint for RB. thanks for sharing. I am always amazed at the wisdom and resilience of most people on these forums.

Say

I agree 1000%. Your wife is a very fortunate woman.

Shine

What you were willing to do for your wife was admirable. Though you were not faced with the same situation as runnerboy. It is easier to come to terms with you wanting to raise your wife's OC. Shine you had, and this in no way diminishes that your wife became pregnant from date rape. You did not have to face her betraying you.

Runnerboy's WW's pregnancy is due to her affair. Your wife did nothing to embarrass you. She unfortunately made a bade decision on who to date.

The Road,
I undertand what you are saying, however, in your own words:
.

We all make bad decisions in life, and the we have to find a way to live with the consequences.

I'm just saying that forty years later, I wish i coulda....

All blessings,
Jerry

Wow, I can't read this thread fast enough to keep up with the posts.

I just want to add that as a female, I feel very sad for your wife. I can only imagine what she too must be going through at this point in time. I can't help it, but I just feel sorry for the WS's too sometimes. To know what devastation you have caused must be a heavy burden to carry.

She has just committed the most horrific mistake of her life and has hurt the people that she will find that she loves the most. And now the hurt will extend far beyond her own family, and extend as far into the future as she lives. Tragic.

Have you thought about this: perhaps OM and OMW would want the child. Just a thought.

RB,

You are a man of great strength and compassion. I wish you the best in your situation, whatever happens.

As for getting through this time, I would STRONGLY recommend some antidepressants until at least the birth of the child. Trust me, they can be extremely helpful allowing you to function normally through all of this pain.

Also, the next thing you need to do is call up a family attorney and know your rights. You don't want this OM to be able to get involved in your life at all, and it would be nice to get some money out of him as well and hit him where it hurts.

Rb65~

My heart literally aches, and I have a knot in my stomach, reading about your situation. It's been over 5 years for my dh and me, and yet it never gets any easier for me to hear of another couple going through this. My heart goes out to you and your children as the unwitting innocents in this mess, and even though it's 100% of her own wrongdoing-- my heart also goes out to your wife. Being where I've been, I can't help but have deep empathy for her.

I'm a fww. My 7 mo affair resulted in a P when I was a couple years younger than your wife, so I know the double whammy of an OC, and later in life P. Our dear com were in their mid-late teens at the time. My dh and I are raising my oc, as our child. It was completely, unequivocally his decision.

I love your list, and admire your strength, and ability to have a clear mind to think of such wise requests, in the midst of your turmoil!

I think you are smart not to make any rash decisions, and thankfully, because abortion is not an option for you-- time is on your side.

I think you are extremely wise not to run out and tell om about oc right away. Depending on the path you decide to take, regarding the oc, the time may come for that, but it's a very good, sound decision to keep quiet for awhile.

It's good to give yourself that breathing space to aid you in deciding what is best for you, your M, your com, and oc.

I urge you to visit with a family law attorney, to get some good solid information about adoption, and hopefully some good references for adoption agencies, and also to find out all the ins and outs on what it would mean, should you choose to raise the oc as your own.

Further rb, IF you were to begin to lean toward raising this oc as your own, PLEASE don't let anyone ever even intimate you'd be a doormat, cuckolded, wimp, weak, or any of the other garden variety insults that tend to get thrown around by some people who are completely clueless. I always want to say to these people, (so I guess I will now, lol)---- Call me a slut, whore, stupid wench who got her cake and ate it too-- I can take it, it's okay-- it ~was~ all true, but don't make ridiculous, thoughtless assumptions about my dh who is a shining example of a man and human being.

That said though, rb65, you already are a giant of a man, as saynomore said!! You want to attempt to save your marriage, and keep your family whole-- with what you're facing-- that is amazing!!!! I don't want you or anyone else to think I'd think less of you, (or any other man for that matter, faced with a ww w/ oc), if you chose not to raise the oc as your own. I understand the enormity of such a thing, this is probably not doable for many to most people, and there is absolutely, NO SHAME in that!!!

If you don't think you can raise this child as your own, and love him/her with all your heart, unconditionally, it's best you go the adoption route.

Though again, this is where time comes in handy, because given time, and as your wife shows true remorse,( I pray), you may very well find yourself falling in love with this child, even though at this moment the thought of him/her might understandably disgust you. I'm here to tell you it CAN and HAS happened. With some bhs, it happened while baby was still inutero, with some it took till the day the baby was born, while others... weeks after the birth.

I hope I'm not out of bounds here, and hope this lines up with MB principles given this situation, but in a decision so big as this, I believe since you want to recover with your wife, it is very important you POJA this decision about oc. Imo, true and lasting recovery will not happen if either one forces the other's hand, and I think even a compromise will harm the M. You both need to be as enthusiastic as possible with such an overwhelmingly big, life altering decision.


rb65, I don't know if "K" still posts, but he would be an awesome resource for you, as someone who has been in your shoes. His story is truly inspirational, and he can give you a lot of no nonsense, common sense information about your situation. He's also among the select group of people around here that I consider hugely versed in marriage building. Besides, I think what other bhs with ww/oc have to say to you would carry more weight than what I have to say to you as a fww w/ oc.


I want to say one more thing to the 'doubters' on this board.... I invite anyone here on this board who finds such a situation as mine unfathomable, to come visit in my home for even one evening, to watch the interaction between my dh and my oc/our dc. I can absolutely guarantee with complete certainty-- every witness would see the genuine, unabashed love of a father for his son. It's so blatant, there would be no doubt in your mind!

Since my dh doesn't post, people here have always only had my word, on how things have turned out for us. I so wish he'd post, but I bet there would still be doubters, and I know why.... because it's so unbelievable!! It's something that goes so far against human nature.

Anyway, rb65, I'm sorry... I didn't intend to make this so long winded, and I'm also sorry if I in anyway offended you with my obvious biased bent on this situation. It's hard for me not to be so hopeful and pro-raising oc as your own, because it has worked beautifully for us. Rest assured, you will get nothing but support and admiration from me if you go the adoption route. I offered adoption to my dh as well.

Any questions for me, fire away. There's certainly more involved, than what I even described here.

Be well, and take good care of yourself.

~ad

edit: double post... because I really SUCK at posting/editing on the new format!