Of course you aren't. Been there up to and including the initial stages of thinking there might be an OC, which turned out to be a false alarm. Basically, I fell back on whatever dignity I could muster and faked it till I made it. I made the decision that there would be no divorce irrespective of OC or not, unless my wife wanted it and at that, I would attempt to dissuade her. Because she choose to break her vows had nothing to do with whether or not I would, so I told myself, so I didn't. Many years ago, I took a vow of honor and family above all. I never expected to find that vow tested as it was. I won't say I passed with flying colors, but I did pass, so my wife tells me. After all the hoo ha initial stages were over, I found this site, which has helped me through the clean up, a process that looks as if it will take a lifetime. BUT, I have discovered from the process of trauma, that the process of maintaining a relationship is a lifetime of work anyway. Never thought of that before. Understand the concept now and frankly, with or without an affair by one or both parties, a lifetime of work is what is required, at least in my opinion.

It seems to me that you need a cheerleader on your side, someone you don't know, looking over your shoulder and encouraging you. Me and some others here will so do to the best of our ability. Out of the blue ATTABOYS are always useful toward keeping one's focus on the straight and narrow process. You have demonstrated clear thinking. So here is an ATTABOY.


There have been many threads on here that track the negative emotions for the OP especially when the WS is committed to fixing what they broke. In your case, you have the ability to serve up revenge as a cold dish.

One serious moment, please. I posted this before, but in all the heated moments, I think the idea has gone by the wayside. There is good reason to insure that you and your wife know the medical history of the OM. This is for the benefit of the OC. The secrecy of Adoption process is starting to crack because Doctors want as complete a genetic history of biological parents and grandparents as they can get for medical purposes. If you are going to go after that anyway, which means a limited contact with the OM, possible through an Attorney, you might as well go for the money even if you don't need it. You don't have to call it revenge, you would just be allowing a person to benefit from the consequences of their choices, aka, the pucker factor. It might be worth your while to discuss this aspect of the situation with your Attorney, who at this point seems a fount of more details than one could ever imagine.

All the best.

Larry

Apparently the OM is a serial cheater. Why would anyone want to allow a child raised by such ilk as that if they could prevent it? Emotions are all over the map, which is normal at this stage, but the one emotion that seems constant is that the OM is a flaming jerk; a cretin of the worst sort.

Larry

Is this KNOWN??? The only tyime I saw it mentioned was from some second or third hand person that had nothing to do with this situation. Until I know this, I put the OM in the same boat as the WW. All WS are flaming jerks...every last one of them. What puts him in this extra special category that precludes this WS (OM) from raising a child but affords it to the other WS (Runnerboys wife)?

I agree with MKE. At least it should be written down with all the other options to be explored. Your wife needs to know that that is not only a valid option but might end up being the best, or even the only, legal option, available. I heard even fathers in PRISON had rights over children they produced. I had a tenant who had to bring her kids to prison to visit the "father". He had rights. This man has rights too.

**edit**

RB,

You're not obligated to feed the trolls here. I'm sure you can figure out what decision you are going to make just fine regardless of what some anonymous posters on an internet forum think.

RB made the comment as a statement of fact that he discovered while investigating. So far, he has been so rational and level headed, I consider it likely that he had solid reason to advance the notion. If you read RB's words carefully, I think you will see the direction he is likely to go based on his goals, which preclude giving the OC to the OM under any condition. His Attorney seems able to provide him with solid legal advice for any and all alternatives.

Over the next some months, RB's wife is going to have new life grow in her body. Irrespective of how that child got there, she is still subject to the same emotional bonding any other woman usually has for the event. I consider it highly unlikely she would agree to give up the child to the OM to the point of certainty. So why even bang on it, considering the reality that RB and his wife are starting to build around each other. One major consideration is that the other kids would be devastated by having their sibling moved a thousand miles away.

It is RB's life - and his family's life - and he is adament that the child will NOT go to the OM, period. So why beat up on it, ain't gonna happen.

Larry

rb i know things have to be so mixed up right now for both you and your w. i am really happy to hear that she is commiting fully to rebuilding your marriage.

i would 1st like to touch on this issue of adoption. now although i agree that it is a very selfless and noble thing to do it may bring more emotional backlash for your w then anyone imagines.

i pushed for this option pretty hard with my w. she did listen but never coould really get behind it. for me, as i believe would be the same for you or any other bh, it would be much easier as we are not the ones carrying the baby inside us. and since the baby does not have our blood running thru his/her vains we will not truly bond with it until after she/he is born.
making it easier to give the baby up then our favorite car.

your w on the other hand is/will be feeling this living critter in her. teh morning sickness, kicking in the middle of the night, giving her heartburn up the ying yang, back pains and of course all the emotions of the birth itself. for her their will be no difference then with any of the other 3 children she has birthed already. she will separate the om from the baby and take her motherly possesion of it. giving this child up will be as hard on her as giving up any one of her others. even if she did adopt teh baby out immediately after birth the lasting emotional trama may in fact end your marriage down the road.

for your own com it may cause them to wonder how their parents could give up this innocent baby and give them wonde of could you and your w eventually give one of them up or turn them aside. no wi know that you would never do this but giving the baby up could put your w in such a state that she starts to withdraw from the rest of the family

and giving the baby up to a niece that lives close by (IN MY HUMBLE OPINION) would be the hardest way and most emotionally crippling ting that could happen to your w. the thought of having her child so close and seeing this child at holiday and family get togethers would be devasting. i can not see her being able to hold her child (remember that if no one else knows where the niece got her baby) YOUR W will. then being able to hold her and not put her to bed and watching her be taken away at the end of the occasion. not good in my opinion.

next i would like to touch on cs and the signing away of parental rights by om. and this one has me in a tail spin. 1st let me explain where i am on this issue. i am a firm believer that a child knowing his/her bio parents is a good thing. barring an abusive (physically or verbally) parent. i am a believer that bio parents should be emotionally and financialy responsible for a child they created. and here it comes.......BUT.......in these situations there are so many damn varibles.

ok let me start with my experience 33 yrs back. a gf ends up preg.. we go separate ways. she gets invovled with another guy (friend of mine) and they plan on setting up house. i stay away figuring that the baby will know 1 dad. and also that i will not be paying cs. baby is born, 1yr&1/2 goes by and papers come to the door for cs. establish dna (blood test back then) go to court and am awarded cs and visitation.

now i think that if i take visitation she will hate it and drop cs. that is my plan. so i take one afternoon. well the plan was thrown out cause all it took was about 5 minutes and i had bonded with my son. so now heaven and hell couldn't keep me from exercizing my right of visitation. i know, i know i was such a butt head. i end up paying cs for 20 yrs and have a great relationship with my son.

fast forward to the year 2001. w has an A with co worker and ends up preg. we keep the baby. mm/om says that he will stay away if he doesn't have to pay cs. if he does he wants a say in the childs life.

from my from my earlier experieces i feel om should be responsible and if he wants a relationship with the child it is his to earn or loose.

there are many reasons for me wanting him topay cs. revenge, responsibility, my age, health issues, the size of my family and the consequences if something should happen to me my w would need all she can get to support all those kids.

i am thinking that should i pass on i don't have much and my com should not be hampered and their inheiritence shoould not be comprimised.

now i have to tell you the thing i did not see was my w's emotional distress with having to share her child with another household. although we have all gotten into the ruetine of visitation my w would had so much anxiety over her baby crying because she didn't want to go for the visitations was enormous and really inhibited our recovery.

my w also had a very hard time with om's w trying to be a mother to her baby.

as far as the cs goes. it has never been enough to make it worth feeling like i stuck it back to the om. it hardly covers the day care costs. now maybe if she had fooled around with bill gates it would be a different story instead of a bus driver.

om was constantly bitching about the money. it actually got so bad with my w, that about 2 years back i had her to offer om to sign off his parental rights and she would drop cs. he denied. and she told him to never [censored] about cs amount again.

anyhow i think after reading about the financial status of both parties the amount om will probably be paying will not fullfill any revenge feelings you may be carrying.

in hind site i think that bringing om back into our lives may have been the wrong thing to do as far as my w's well being is concerned.

quite frankly i am ok with the way things are except for her anxieties.

on the topic of holding the oc different from your com as far as the inheiritence stuff goes. i think that given the depth of your heart and the compassion you carry with you that will disappear in short order once you bond with the child. you will see her/him as a gift and yo will be amazed at what this horrific situation has been able to teach you about yourself.

don't know if tis helps or confuses you. it is just the way things worked out here.

i guess what i am saying is to talk with your w about how she would feel say om wanted visitation and she had to say good bye to her baby for a weekend.

well i would like to right more but grace is nagging me to take her to see kung fu panda.

the way she's nagging you sure can tell this apple didn't fall far from the tree.

RB has told us that he has consulted a family law Attorney, so I suspect he is getting great LEGAL advice from that person for his specific situation, which is likely to be way different from your tenant's. I suspect that RB is in a better position to know if the OM is "Not so bad," or not so good, than either of us.

Larry

Larry...take a chill pill. I asked if it was known the other man was a serial cheater. The only reference I found was not from the parties involved.

And since it is a legal consideration regarding adoption and the OM...it is not "period"...it needs to be considered.

I have been following your story since I discovered and have some questions for you. However, I'm wondering if I may personally ask them to you via email? If you don't mind that could you let me know..

Thanks.

K~

Pops, you have written some wonderful posts in this thread. Thank you for expressing so well why I think RB will be better off without OM in his life. I myself would not gamble on if OM will/will not want visitation.


luvinmygirl, why don't you just POST your questions here like everyone else? Why not share your story as well?

I completely agree with this.

NC with the OM at ALL is the best thing for the marriage and by extension ALL the children.

I can see why RB thinks adoption isn't an option here - as all the kids know I think it would be a horrible situation for them to be separated from their own flesh and blood.

This really is a hard case.

RB, I posted a warning to you on Restitutions thread for you and I will repeat it here. I would be vary wary about giving out ANY personal information here. Your situation calls for extreme vigilance. You may decide you don't want OM to know about this pregnancy and you would do well to maintain anonymity here. The Internet is full of wackos who try and glean little pieces of information here and there to try and identify people. They have no other motivation than to screw with the lives of strangers. This forum is a perfect place for such sicko's.

luvinmygirl, if yours is a genuine question then you should post it on this board. And I do not mean to offend or accuse you but I hope you can see the danger here.

excellent advice in such a delicate case.

faith as you and most know om is in our life. like i said i am fine with it but fullhouse (fh) has some hard times.

the one thing that i would give strong consideration to now that it is hindsight is moving on without him.

rb i know exactly how hard it is to not want to seek revenge and i have stated how strongly i feel om should be responsible.

i want to tell you that imho you have to work really hard to not do anything because you want the revenge. i can almost promise that in the long run it will be a double edged sword.

once you form a bond with thi sbaby you will also feel some remorse when she/he is not able to attend on eof your family get togethers because om has visitation if he takes that option.

Pops contary to your Rhodes position.

road i would be happy to continue that discussion BUT THIS IS NOT THE PROPER PLACE (THREAD).

if you go back and carefully reread what i wrote here you will see the answer is no.

then we can continue on the Ky ruling thread if you wish

I wanted to ask some questions not here because, quite honestly, I'm afraid of being ripped into, based on some of the things I have been reading. And the reason I am afraid of that is because I am the wayward spouse who is pregnant with OMC. I am in the same boat as RB's wife. My situation is a bit different because now I am officially divorced (very very hasty decision on BOTH our parts) and very much want reconcilliation with my ex. He on the other hand cannot get past the hurt, anger, confusion, etc., which I can understand. Yet he is not, in my opinion, at a point where he feels like he can address the issues without taking great offense to a part in which he played in the affair.

I have gained very good insight from Pops and have appreciated the words he has shared with everyone. I very much admire the choices he has made. I am aware that RB's situation is a very delicate one, as is mine, and very much appreciate the dedication he has for making his marriage work.

Again, the reason for not wanting to ask my question was simply because I'm leary of being jumped all over.

It's ok..

K~

"full of wackos who try and glean little pieces of information here and there to try and identify people. They have no other motivation than to screw with the lives of strangers. This forum is a perfect place for such sicko's."

I can assure you I am not any of which you just described above. I do appreciate where you are coming from though. Some situations, however, are more sensitve than others and I'm afraid... That's all..

luvin -

Hope you will start your own thread. And yes, I'm sure you will hear some things you don't want to hear.