Just a question...

I went out with a guy, we had a really nice time. But, as we were chatting, he mentioned that he was not looking for a serious relationship. This was after he pursued ME, and I decided to go out with him. I am attracted to him, physically, and I like HIM.

I am not looking for M anywhere in the near future, but I would not rule out a serious R either... so should I go out with him again...he asked me to, I said sure, or should I just call it a wash?

So this is my question... when saying, "I am not looking for a serious R", should someone like me, who would like an exclusive R with someone, not necessarily M anytime soon, just leave it at that, and stop seeing the other person? Is he just playing me, or is he just not wanting a serious R?

In a nutshell, when someone says that they are not looking for a serious R, should I just step away from them, or should I still see them, because we have fun, and play it by ear?

He is calling and texting me everyday, so I do not know what to make of it.

Thanks!

My advice, take it or leave is...
stand back and let him pursue, it makes you more attractive to him, its something guys like.
Then if he's just a player and not really looking for anything but a good time, he'll go away.

Sadmo,

If he is not looking 4 a serious R, just remember your boundaries and do not let this person cross them to the point that YOU end up getting hurt.

For me, if I tell someone I am not lookiing for a serious R, I am still on the mend from my previous R, but I would like to enjoy female company as I start to date again.

Nevertheless, I cannot even date, much less heal, given my D is not yet final!

The only date I will have is with a divorce support group at this point!

Thanks...
I do not intend to get hurt, but he has been pursuing me, and it is boosting my self esteem, especially since I am attracted to him! We do talk a lot, and I enjoy his company. He is respectful, as of now, and I do appreciate that.
I do like him, but I do not want to be 'chasing' after him at all...especially since he said he is not looking for a serious R.

I will go out with him again, and see how it progresses from there!

A couple of possibilities pop into mind.

The worst possibility is he could be married--unless you know otherwise.

Another possibility is he still wants to date other people for a while, play the field and he doesn't want pressure.

He could also just be nervous. I don't really remember the R word coming up on first dates.

The last possibility that comes to mind is he's a Romeo, and his statement is fair warning that he'll break your heart. Romeos are like the male version of mermaids. They chase you, they make you think your special, until the thrill of the chase is gone. Then, they move on. Mermaids do the same only they don't "chase" they lure.

I think what really has me worried was he tells you "I don't want a serious relationship, then he pursues you aggressively, in a way that would lead you to believe you were the One for him. That triggers all kinds of red flags for me since I personally fell for this kind of ploy more than once when I was young.

If you suspect he's really a Romeo type, you can try an experiment. Delay replying to his texts and calls, and see if the frequency or urgency of the messages increases. The, if you're up to it, start initiating contact with him, and see if he backs off. Any man with mature intentions that texts a woman every day will be pleased if she initiates contact.

He may also just be worried that he's been coming on too strong and made that statement hoping to relieve any pressure (real or imaginary) that he was putting on you. People say dumb things all the time. I like GGs experiment.

Women are from Venus.

You like this guy but are willing to throw him to the weeds just because he said one sentence that confused you. Instead of throwing him to the weeds, why not simply ask him what he meant when he said that.

If he is looking for a friend right now, maybe he would be a good friend... If he just got out of a long relationship, maybe he is not ready to hop into another one right away. There are a few scenarios where the guy would be justified saying this albeit it is kinda weird to say it on the first meeting.

Here's a novel idea...

ASK HIM!

Seriously, just ask him and clarify your own position. Get your respective decisions out into the open.

You: "I'm not looking to get married, but I do prefer to date on an exclusive basis. I'm not interested in playing the field, and I really don't want to be one woman out of many in a man's life. If that doesn't gel with where you're at right now, then we're probably not a good match."

And I'll provide an alternative viewpoint; ratchet your expectations down to zero and just have fun with him. If grows to really like you, other arrangements may be possible.

Here's my philosophy in a nutshell. I'm ultimately looking for a LTR and possibly marriage. I realize that not everyone I date will be a candidate for that. I don have the expectation that everyone that I date will be a candidate for my goals.

Make yourself irresistible to him and see what happens.

Dutch - I think our perspectives can be complementary. It's okay to have personal boundaries w/re to what kind of behavior your willing to tolerate from the other person, and not have any expectations of an outcome.

I think it depends on what you are looking for. If you are looking for a "serious relationship", then you would act one way. If you are not, then you'd act a different way. So, what are you looking for?

I used to "look" for relationships, until wiftty beat me into recognizing that it's much better to not look for them, but to let them find me. When I met J 14 months ago, we both were not looking for relationships, we both were happy on our own, and but we both were open to the idea of a relationship if one came up and bit us. For the first few months, we dated casually, meeting other people along the way, until we finally decided that we did want to start an exclusive relationship. I guess by now it has grown to be "serious" .

Bottom line is, figure out what you want, and don't be afraid to ask him what he wants. Saying "I am not looking for a serious R" is a copout - the question is not what he is NOT looking for, but what he IS looking for.

AGG

I'm with Seabird.

To me experiments = games

I'm sure you don't want anybody playing games with you, so don't do it yourself. I'd say tell him something similar to what Seabird said if that's the way you feel. He's fairly agrresively pursuing so I think that talk is appropriate even though it's early in the R.

I also understand your feelings. I'm in the same place. I'm not looking for my next W, I want to move very slow, but I also prefer to date exclusively. I guess it's sorta of a fine line, but I've decided not to even explore it until after I enjoy my summer of Golf and DS4.

Good Luck

I don't think "experiments" as I laid it out counts as games.

It's not an attempt to manipulate this man's affections. I'm not suggesting she play hard to get in order to enhance his thrill of chase. I'm suggesting a very short-lived period of observing his response to certain behaviors to determine if he's a Romeo type.

The problem with asking what he means is that if he's a player, or Romeo type, he'll be truthful but dishonest. In other words, he's likely to say "I'm just no ready for anything serious." Hmm. He's saying he doesn't want a serious relationship, but that word "ready" leads women to believe that if she's the right one he'll be ready, and after all, he's been text messaging every day, so signs are she's the right one.

My suspicions are already high because he said on the first date he didn't want anything serious, then comes on super strong afterwards. Now, that's game playing.

He can't take anything from her that she doesn't willingly give. That's how I understand boundaries.

WOW! Thanks everyone for the feedback! I like a lot of what everyone said... I just got kind of thrown off by his whole point in telling me that, so SOON. I just did not want to have a big R talk about it, again, so SOON... and since I am newer to the dating scene, I wanted some advice.

I KNOW how men LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! to talk about R's, and I do not want to even want to talk about anything like that at this point. I told him that I was not looking to JUMP into a serious R, and he said that he knows what I mean. I guess I should have elaborated a bit more THEN... but, I did not.

We seem to get along well, I enjoy talking and texting him, and I do enjoy his company. I will just see where it goes!

Thanks again everyone! :-)

Sadmo, Did he say he didn't want a serious relationship? Or that he didn't want to jump into a serious relationship? THese are two entirely different things. "I'm not looking for a serious relationship" falls somewhere in between the two.

If he doesn't want to jump in, he's probably open to one, just wants to take it slow.

When I was dating after my divorce, I was clear to be honest and tell the women I saw that I may consider seeing other people, and not to consider this to be an exclusive relationship unless I said otherwise.

Some couldn't deal with that and ended it right there. Others understood.

I wasn't trying to sleep with all of these folks, as it clouds the issue.

But dating is just that, dating, and it's best if you date many people before developing a deeper relationship with one of them.

Maybe he's just, gasp, being honest!

I agree Enlightened

"I wasn't trying to sleep with all of these folks, as it clouds the issue."
WOW!!

That's the first time I've heard that much sense come out of a man's mouth that wasn't a counselor!!

I agree one hundred percent!!

Dating is about going out and having fun with each other and learning what each other is like and all about!! Then if they are truly a good prospect, settling down into a more serious type of relationship.

I agree that initially, dating should be kept "light" and not serious. I disagree that dating many, many people is the only proper method to start with though. I suppose some people are better multi-taskers and that sort of tactic works well for them, but if I like a woman well enough to ask her out, I'd rather focus on her exclusively. Not in a serious, committed relationship kind of way. I just find that trying to keep several women on the hook at the same time distracting and difficult. I don't believe in making comparisons between potential matches, because I think people should be regarded independently and on their own individual merits.