W and I put our house up for sale (I should say I did) post affair. It was up for about 2 months after dday 1, then dday 2 happened and I drastically dropped the price of the home (after some friction from WW). Our realtor wants to meet us tonight to give us a proposal from a potential buyer...if it is close to the listing price, we will be selling. Sounds like they want very quick posession and we will have to get a move on to find a new place. We have contemplated moving everywhere from 30 minutes away to towns 16 hours away. Looks like we will be going to a town that is about 30 minutes away from our current location. W has stated that she will quit her job (she has some contact with OM where she works now...he doesn't work directly with her, but she works in retail and OM's boss is a customer of hers)...so, she will be looking for work in the new town that we are moving to. I will probably look for new work myself (when WW started her A, I was stressed out from work and not meeting her EN's at home),,,I resent my job, so time to move on to greener pastures as far as a career goes.

I'm just curious as to how other members of MB handled their relocation, and how much of an affect did it have on your recovery of the M? I'm not going to be naive and say that moving is going to be the saviour of the M, but I would like to think that some distance from OM, and just a bit of a "new start" in a different town would be beneficial toward recovery.

Any advice and/or similar experiences from you guys?

Its a good idea to move away from triggers if you can. Dr Harley, for example, recommends moving to another state, if need be, to ensure no contact. Whatever you can do to minimize the risk of resumed contact will be helpful, introvert.

intro,

Anything that you are able to do that can keep your W from having contact with OM will help with recovery. Relocating helps ensure that. It helps a WS because without contact, withdrawal happens quicker, the BS have a better opportunity to spend time with the WS meet their needs. It reduces certain triggers for the BS, there's less anxiety because the BS feels that it's less likely that OP will be around the town for WS to bump into accidentally.

There are cases on MB where families have moved across the country, to another state, quit jobs, and others that still have OP still in the picture. What you will find is when there is NC, the M recovers quicker and the BS's recovery quicker, feelings of love enters the M sooner.

How are things going? I hope the removal of the RO has helped the two of you in this process of recovery?

Blessings.

S&C

My response to this would be dependent on how you define "relocating".

My wife met OM while online gaming. It was an MMORPG that we'd played jointly for about a year prior to her affair.

After her affair, we stopped online play for about a year and a half. We slowly got back into gaming over the next few months...on a totally different gaming platform.

It avoided the triggers for me, it negated the odds of accidental contact with OM...it worked out great.

While this may be "virtual"...it still reflects the benefits of relocating.

Thanks S&C.

W has been staying at the house since the RO was lifted. Things are going okay, but I'm triggering like a friggin' maniac. I NEED TO GET OUT OF HOUSE< AND THIS TOWN !!!! Everywhere I turn, I'm triggering right now. I'm really starting to think that if this sale goes through on the house, and if we are both quitting our jobs, why not relocate further away than the town 30 minutes away? W's family lives in the general vicinity of the town we are thinking of moving to, and I think she would probably learn to resent me if we move too far away. She says, "I'll go anywhere you want to go", but I can't help but feel she will blame me for being distant from her family at some point. Personally, I've always been able to just "up and leave" as far as relocating goes, with really no worries (W seems a little scared of going a far distance from where she has lived her whole life). To be continued I guess....

intro,

I can't remember, is your W's family aware of the A? Would you be able to stay with them for a while until you both get jobs? and can settle in? Don't stay for long. Have a plan on how long and a definite move out date.

Moving away can be scary but a recovered M might be worth it. Unfortunately, the move away from family may be one of those consequences of the A. If her family is aware of the A then maybe they can be supportive of the move away.

Maybe her next session with Jennifer will convince her of that.

Good luck and keep posting with your updates. Have you considered journaling your progress and stuff that happens? I did and after a while I looked back at it and was surprised to see how things were getting better. It happened so gradually that I didn't always see the changes happening. Just a thought.

Blessings.

S&C

BTW - The triggers started to lessen (not go away) after my W was through withdrawal and the A died. I still get them every once in a while, but not near as much.

Yes, I exposed the "A" to everyone. In fact the day I discovered WW was with OM in a hotel out of town, WW's sister and her husband spent the night with me at my house to comfort me...didn't stop WW from having sex with him that night or the days following though (WTF?). After 2 months of a false reconciliation (WW only admitted to a one time PA), I found out the rest of the disgusting details, and found out that W was still wayward (by breaking contact), I exposed it to her family again.

If the sale goes through on the house we will be fortunate to make enough money from the deal that we can either buy right away (if we get jobs in whatever town we relocate to), or we can rent for as long as we need to (until we get jobs)...then we can buy again.

A couple of the places that I have in mind have a lot cheaper housing markets than the town 30 minutes away...which is another big factor in why I think we should go to one of those places. That way, we can pretty much quit our jobs, get a place to rent (really cheap), then go from there.

Also, W and I would both like to further our educations and this may be a good way to get that under way. It will eat up some profit from the house, but obviously better in the long run.

I don't really think that there would be a need to stay with her family...to answer your question (after rambling).

Introvert,

We moved from Fl to TX after the A. Looking back, I can't imagine we would have lasted if we hadn't moved. We went from a suburb of Tampa to a verrry small town. It's great, I thought the "small town" of old was lost forever...not so!!

I hope you both make a choice you're happy with. I know that not having the environmental triggers anymore feels like a ton lifted off our marriage.

We came to an agreement on the sale of the house, so looks like we are moving. W is pretty upset about the whole thing (she didn't really want to sell...just went through the motions to please me I guess). I keep trying to tell her that there is no way I can live in that town or in that house and still try to recover...it's too hard for me to do. She is upset, but she just forwarded me a text message she recieved from her sister saying that the sale of the house is a good thing, and the house just has bad memories for us, and a move will be good. It seems that W is happy about her sister's encouragement, which is good. Now, it's just a matter of chosing where to go. We only have about 5 weeks to figure out what to do, so I think a move to a town 30 minutes away from here may be the answer...that way I can keep my job (for now) and we can get approved for a new mortgage and buy another place right away...I think this way would reduce some of the stress W is feeling about the uncertainty and being too far from her family.

Intro,

Both my W and I quit our jobs and moved 1100 miles away 2 1/2 months after her A.

For us, the moving away was much harder for me than for her as I really enjoyed living there so I was giving up more, my job, our life, our home. Though, this process actually was very good for me because it made her see how much I was willing to give to her. When she violated my trust it weighed on my taker a bunch. It turned the tides and forced her to make choices without an A partner right there for her. I'll explain this better below.

My wife to this day will tell you it was the best thing we did to save our marriage. I don't truly understand the wayward mind so when she says this I can see it in her eyes that she understands her state of mind during this time and why it was the best thing for us to recover.

After moving she realized the addictive nature of affairs. After moving 1100 miles away and 6 months after the A I found a letter that my W wrote to him. In the letter she stated how she looked at his picture and missed him. It was at this time that I knew that this was about way more than me. Even after quiting our jobs, moving 1100 mile, and buying a new house she had saved a picture of him through all of this and would look at it to make her feel better.

For me, because of all we had done(moving, quitting jobs, new house, new jobs) when I found this out everything became easy for me. I had the OM's email so I emailed him that she could probably use some support right about now(after our argument after finding the letter and picture). I sent him our new phone number that he didn't have. He called her that day. She was with her mom and her mom knew what was going on. My W chose not to answer it. She couldn't blame me anymore. It was all about her and she knew I wasn't going to snoop on her anymore and enforce NC, she needed to do all this to earn my trust back. It was on her now.

All in all, it was the right thing to do. It ended the A. It gave us a fair chance to recover and that is all I ever wanted. It also caused us to make serious changes in our lifestyles. Things we would never have considered in the past now were on the table and caused us to change. And change is what was needed and people can get stuck not wanting to change.

I would really recommend renting. We bought a house right away as we were concerned about the kids settling in and trying to have some normalcy in our lives. It wasn't the right thing to do and we made poor decisions. We should have rented and taken our time until we were further along recovery and better understood our future directions. We have since moved to our HOME.

I wish you the best. It won't be easy. Ending the A is huge and gives you a chance.

Well, we accepted the offer on the house...new owners will take possesion very soon. We are going to look at another one tonight in a different town...it seems the one we have our eye on is up for possesion the day before ours gets turned over (very ironic). We'll see how it goes tonight.

Aloha intro,

Glad to see you keeping us updated.

Have you and your W been able to read HNHN or SAA yet? And have you both taken the EN Questionnaire yet?

Is she warming up to the idea of moving yet? And lastly but just as important are you two spending time together thats fun and not about the relationship?

Again thanks again for updating.

Blessings.

S&C

Ciao S&C,

I have read about 1/3 of SAA. I decided to hand it off to W so she can catch up, then I'll continue to read it (just thought it would be better for us to go back and forth with it, so it would seem like we are reading it together). HNHN is still in the mail...Should be arriving any day now. Yes, we have finished all of the questionnaires and have read each others and discussed them in detail.

She seems to be okay about moving (today anyway). She was pretty upset the other night when we were getting offers...counter offering...getting offers...etc... The house is worth quite a bit more (market value) than what we are getting, and I think she was feeling a little bit like she was being pressured (by me) into selling the house at a discounted price. Me, I am more willing to sell it for under market value than I am to live there for however long it takes to sell it, and trigger every day while I'm there. It's a no-brainer for me, and the M, to get the #$%@ out. After I explained to W that I am 100% committed to recovery, and that there is a greater chance of that happening after we move, she seems to be happier with the decision. IMO alot of her emotion that she was showing about selling the house was not so much the fact that we are selling, but the fact of WHY we are selling. NO "A"....NO NEED TO SELL AND MOVE. So, I'm sure guilt is a factor.

We haven't really been able to go out and do any "fun" things yet, but this weekend is supposed to be nice weather, and I'm sure we can get out to do something fun. We have however been spending the evenings together...it's been nice. I'm still pretty moody, but I'm trying to control it better, and W has been supportive when I get moody. I do however feel that she could act little more remorseful for what she has done instead of waiting for me to trigger. It just seems to me that if once and a while she said "I'm sorry" out of the blue, instead of waiting for me to show my sadness and hurt, I would be less prone to feeling down....you know, being proactive towards me, instead of just reacting. But, it's something I feel that I don't want to ask her to do...if I ask her to say "I'm sorry" (on a whim) then what is the point?

Thanks for chiming in S&C.

intro,


This is good.



I certainly understand your point.

What if you don’t get exactly what you want in the remorse department? I’m not saying it’s going to happen, but what if…

In her mind she has said I’m sorry every time you trigger. And she’s sincere about it. Now you are looking for an out of the blue apology. She has no idea that you have this expectation. Because she has no idea, she doesn’t say it. Can you see where I’m getting too?

You have this expectation that she isn’t aware of, and you will only get resentful, because she doesn‘t say “I’m sorry” without you getting triggered.

It’s a vicious cycle that will be damaging to your recovery. May I suggest, that until she shows other wise; that she is remorseful and sincere when she apologizes. And if she ever, “out of the blue”, comes up to you and says “I’m sorry” then you have the icing on the cake.


It would take someone else to educate her about her need to do that. I remember thinking the same thing. But I looked back at my journal after about 9 months and realized how many times my W apologized over that period. I had overlooked the number of times she apologized while I was waiting for the one time I wanted her to say it out of the blue. I realized that she had been apologizing all along.

JMHO.

Blessings.

S&C

You make some really good points S&C, thank you.

I guess my real problem with W's apologies is that it sometimes feels that when W apologizes when I'm "moody" or "triggering", it almost feels like she is apologizing not just because of what I'm going through and what she's puting me through... but maybe that she's apologizing because she feels she has to deal with me when I'm triggering ( if that makes sense). Kinda like she is only apologizing because she is effected (because of my moods)...not because of how her actions have effected me.

Like when I was upset the other night when we were bargaining on the home sale...she cried, hugged me and apologized. It just seems like she does it in times that are hard for her to go through. Maybe I'm looking too much into it, but I look deeply into EVERYTHING now...just how I am now.

She does seem sincere in her apologies though.

intro,


Yes that makes sense.

Take this for what it's worth.

She is apologizing because she is affected. But you can assume that she is apologizing because... It hurts her to see you in such pain. Or you can assume that you are such an inconvenience to her that she apologizes just to shut you up.

Her body language would revel a lot about that. But you say she seems sincere; so her body language to you seems to support that she is sincere about her apologies.

She has no real clue as to how you feel. Unless she has been betrayed, she will never know (don't do anything so she will understand how you feel ok?)

Time and consistency will be the real determining factor for you. As long as she doesn't go back to a trend that signals another A you two are ahead of the game.

God Bless.

S&C

Our move had nothing to do with geography (H had his affairs overseas), but even without the vital aspect of helping ensure NC, the move additionally made me feel like we were making a fresh start. It was something to plan and work on together.

W and I took a look at a house last night. We both loved the place. We have been spoiled in our last couple homes (we had them built for us). After spoiling ourselves with new homes, we were kind of leery about buying a used home, but this one has everything we need. It would be nice to get into a house that has all of the landscaping and everything done already (we are sick of doing all that stuff ourselves lol). It seems strange for us to be considering buying the first one we have looked at, but we have done so much research on homes in the area, and can't find anything that is comparable price wise with as many upgrades as this house. It's pretty safe to say that we will be puting in an offer to purchase the house (pending inspection, of course).

My father phoned last night (he and my mother live a couple hours away)...he was pleased to here that W and I are moving and are going to try to recover. He has always been so keen to jump up and help with moving when W and I move, and offered this time to help too. I suggested (risking insulting him) that W and I should just hire some movers to do the move for us this time...that way W and I can go through this with a little less stress considering everything that is going on. And, because my parents would be so eager to see the new house, I suggested to them (as I have suggested to W, with her family) that we would like to take a few months to just be together as a couple with no outside interference or distractions. That means no family "pop-ins" and/or weekend visits...just W and I. My father was quite receptive about the idea (even though I know it will be torture for him not to see the new house and go through it with a fine tooth comb lol).

Anyway....that's the update for today.

I think 30 minutes might turn out to be a little close, but you can brainstorm some other options.

One would be just moving far from her family, but I see that as a last resort if nothing else will work for you to heal.

If her family is about 30 minutes away from where you are now, then if you found a house 30-60 minutes away on the other side of them, that could put up to 1 1/2 hours between you and the A site, without being out of reach of your IL's.

Get wild and crazy, and see what you can come up with.

Today's relocation update.

W and I went to the house that we are interested in last night, and signed on the dotted line. Can't wait to get a fresh start in a new town, new "home"...with new friends, neighbors, etc...

The old "house" is killing me to live in right now, but within 3 weeks we should be in the new "home".