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My DD summed it up after my A when she saw her father fighting for his marriage and was convinced we wouldn't make it.

She said "Dad you've got b**ls."

RB is a real man.

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Originally Posted by TheRoad
It's not about keeping score. What was done can not be undone.
BH can never get even. A RA will not make him even. Or getting a MOW pregnant will not get him even. He can only accept that WW ended it.

BH has to eat it to save his family. Do not condem him for recovering. I just don't think that his WW will ever fully realize her being pregnant by the OM has done to her BH. Who knows how having an OC will cause the OM to react and effect them and the COM for years to come.

Her words do not hold much to me because she got everything in the end.

It's mostly just differing perspectives, but I have to agree with TheRoad's take on this.

rb65 is simply learning how to acquire a taste for [censored], just like all the rest of us BH's are ...

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I say good for him and I ADMIRE his strength and courage.

I agree 100%. His resolve and courage are astounding.


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Eating it to save his family? I sure don't see it that way
Oh, I surely do. He does have to eat a lot of cr@p here in order to recover his marriage.
Something he said about his weekend (which btw sounded nice in many respects) has me a tad bit worried about RB. He used the phrase "what more can a husband ask for." Well, frankly...a lot. Given the current set of circumstances that he finds himself in...the cr@p he needs to wade in because of his wife's actions...it went pretty well. But there is a lot that a husband that could ask for that does not include the cr@p sandwiches he must munch on now. He is doing the admirable thing here...no doubt...but he is not lucky to have the woman that he has(affair, pregnant) and going through the things he is going through.

The bar has been lowered.

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yep.

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What RB's wife did is beginning to pale in comparison to all the DJ's that are opined upon on HIS thread.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

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Originally Posted by Dealan-de
What RB's wife did is beginning to pale in comparison to all the DJ's that are opined upon on HIS thread.

yeah, I am sure that an affair and getting pregnant by the AP pales in comparison to people, while honoring the strength of RB, clearly see that this is not a situation that anyone would feel lucky to be in. I am certain that isn't crazy thinking!

IF your partner has an affair...gets pregnant and you decide to stay and raise the child for your family's sake...you deserve a lot of credit. But it isn't an ideal situation where one could consider themselves lucky. Lucky would have resulted in an affair never happening...lucky would have that be his child in her womb...not the OM's. What he is doing...what every BS that decides to stay is doing..is taking a lousy situation and trying to make the best of it.

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*Slight T/J on Anger issues*

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Pops, you are absolutely right about my anger. I have worked so hard to control any angry outbursts as part of plan A since that was a real LB for my wife. I find that I have gotten pretty good at not “blowing my top” and keeping my cool. I think the next step is finding a way to express my anger in a way that is not destructive so that I don’t keep it all inside and let it fester.

RB65 - Good on you for not allowing your anger to fly at your wife. I KNOW how hard that is, but it will be best in the long run I believe.

I have not DJ or AO since 3 weeks after the last D-day, but it's tough, and keeping it in seems self destructive.

I'm proud of your fortitude. As BobP and BigK often say, "It's a hero's gig."...

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(when i stopped allowing my anger to control my heart) things became much easier.

Pops, could you share a bit about how you went about controlling your anger? What did you do specifically to alleviate the caustic thoughts? I'm only about two months since latest D-day. Does it just take time? What the he!! can I do to stop this?

Thanks. T/J over.
If you'd like I can move this to my thread, but I thought there might be others reading here that could benefit as well.

Peace out,
TTH


BH(me): 40ish
FWW:(ILMH) 28yo
DS 3yo
Married 7yrs
Together 10 yrs

??? Spring '07 - Adultery Begins
8/25/07 - 1st D-day (week of our anniv.)
8/07 thru 5/08 - About a dozen D-days/Gaslighting/Flaunting/Fake Recoveries

She finally quit on...

1/1/08 - First real NC attempt(Maybe?)
3/1/08 - Told me OM is an A**hole.(Hope?)
5/3/08 - D-day (Admitted to PA once)
5/4/08 - Latest D-day(Finally confessed to multiple EA/PA in our home)
5/8/08 - Present
Struggling to hold on

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is taking a lousy situation and trying to make the best of it.

I quite agree.

You see though, I quit eating ca-ca sammies a long time ago.

While there are issues that arise that truly do suck, the intake of poo is not an infinite meal.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

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what every BS that decides to stay is doing..is taking a lousy situation and trying to make the best of it.

Amen, medc.


BH(me): 40ish
FWW:(ILMH) 28yo
DS 3yo
Married 7yrs
Together 10 yrs

??? Spring '07 - Adultery Begins
8/25/07 - 1st D-day (week of our anniv.)
8/07 thru 5/08 - About a dozen D-days/Gaslighting/Flaunting/Fake Recoveries

She finally quit on...

1/1/08 - First real NC attempt(Maybe?)
3/1/08 - Told me OM is an A**hole.(Hope?)
5/3/08 - D-day (Admitted to PA once)
5/4/08 - Latest D-day(Finally confessed to multiple EA/PA in our home)
5/8/08 - Present
Struggling to hold on

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that may very well be the case in your situation...and I am happy for you. For me, we are talking about the here and now of this situation.

I imagine that time dulls the sting of infidelity...but I can NEVER imagine a time where I would be happy for my spouses transgressions to the point where I would consider myself lucky. So, over time, as Myrev says...the sandwich becomes less and less offensive to our palate.


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I imagine that time dulls the sting of infidelity...but I can NEVER imagine a time where I would be happy for my spouses transgressions to the point where I would consider myself lucky.

It does dull. Where did RB say that he was happy or felt lucky about his wife's “transgressions”?

What he said was:

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I know I’m lucky that at times like this when I start to feel tired, she jumps in and picks up the ball.

I took that to mean that he knows he’s lucky because his FWW recognizes what he needs as opposed to other FWW who seem to never get it. He said nothing about he’s lucky because of his wife’s transgressions.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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did I say he used that word PM????? Or did I use that word myself in reference to his "what more can a husband ask for" comment(which to me speaks to how "lucky" or blessed he feels to have what he has). My posts are here and clear if you care to read them.

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Something he said about his weekend (which btw sounded nice in many respects) has me a tad bit worried about RB. He used the phrase "what more can a husband ask for." Well, frankly...a lot. Given the current set of circumstances that he finds himself in...the cr@p he needs to wade in because of his wife's actions...it went pretty well. But there is a lot that a husband that could ask for that does not include the cr@p sandwiches he must munch on now. He is doing the admirable thing here...no doubt...but he is not lucky to have the woman that he has(affair, pregnant) and going through the things he is going through.

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which to me speaks to how "lucky" or blessed he feels

Gotcha. Thanks for the clarification that "lucky" was YOUR word.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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My dh has not only said he's lucky to have oc in his life, but that oc is a blessing and a gift to him. And not just once, but many times.

I know most just sit and shake their heads at such a notion, saying, "uh huh, yeah right..."

Unbelievable, but true.

I don't expect anyone to get it. I DON'T.


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Interesting conversation.

I don't recall anyone saying RB was "lucky" to be in the situation he is in. It has been stated by many including myself that his W is in fact doing all she can do, given the situation, to make the marriage as good as it can be. He is too. In that regard RB is "lucky", it doesn't happen all the time around here.

I will say also that I don't think the recent descriptions of his status and dietary habits, is accurate. He has, had, and will have choices to make. He is working on the one that seems most viable to him now. He could have walked would that have been better to all of the commentors? I don't think so.

The situation is clearly NOT what anyone would want. I would guess this is even true for his W. But, RB's current situation is one he has chosen. Opinion's about his dietary habits really are not consistent with a man who has and will have freedom of choice.

I also don't agree that his W is "getting away with it", or "having her cake and eat it too". From what I have seen in life, his W will pay a heavy toll for her decisions, and the payment will last the rest of her life. RB on the other hand, has and will continue to earn the respect of his children, even from the OC as the years go on.

In fact the real danger in this marriage will likely be how his W handles paying the toll for what she has done. It is self imposed and she cannot run from it.

You all can speculate all you want but I do know
Quote
there is no pancake so flat that it doesn't have two sides.

It seems to me no matter how any of us would run RB's life, or even his W's life, bookkeeping of pain, perpetuation of guilt, and who owes who, will lead to unhappy lives on the part of both of them. Even marriages, with no infidelity, no trauma such as has been inflicted here, end badly when one of the spouses spends their time bookkeeping, or making sure the other "pays the price" for failure.

I agree that this situation requires accomdation to a situation that is very difficult, but don't forget RB has other options, he prefers to try this one first. I think he is wise to do so.

What is done is done. The issue he faces is whether he would be happier with her and his intact family or without her and his split up family. The answer to that rests with his intial decisions and subsequently her decision to try and repair the damage she has done, to the extent it can be repaired. It seems both are on board with giving it a good go.

God Bless,

JL

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Lucky...I don't buy it. Thankful for the child....yes, I get that.....BUT...do you think he would do it all over again...that he would let you have an affair and get pregnant just so he could be blessed yet again? And if the answer is no...then IMHO...it isn't a blessing or a gift. It is making the very best out of a bad situation.

See...to me...if something is truly a blessing or a gift, I would want to see my son and everyone else be equally blessed. I can tell you that I pray that my son NEVER knows what it is like to have his wife knocked up by another man. That is not a blessing.

Just my opinion.

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I agree with your entire post.

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Medc,

AD, does offer something interesting to realize. Her H has reacted in a certain way. Others would leave. Still others would leave and extract as much revenge as possible. RB has chosen his way to address this.

Who is to say what "joy" the OC has brought into someones heart? I surely cannot. What is even more amazing if it meant losing the OC, many would not change the past. Others would in a heart beat.

I agree that if it is a "blessing" why wouldn't we want everyone to have such a blessing. But, perhaps the "blessing" is very personal and really could not be shared by everyone? We don't know.

I could imagine that the OC has brought something to AD's husband, that he was missing. Perhaps the whole experience has brought AD to her husband in a way that did not exist before and he finds wonderful although very painful as well. I don't know.

Until I came to this site many many years ago, I could never imagine such things, but then again that is why I chose my login name, I am surely "just learning" many thing I did not know were possible or even good. Hence, I have learned to "reserve judgement" on such situations simply because they seem to bring about amazing responses in people.

I will admit that of all of the people that have affected me since I came here, people like AD, Pops, Kimmy, K, Facing choices, tigger, and others have had the most profound affect on me. Why? Because the situation seemed so tough, and yet they have overcome it, and prospered. Truly amazing, and not something I could have conceived of years ago, and certainly when I was younger, say 30's, 40's or even 50's.

OK, I'll step off my box now.

God Bless,

JL

Last edited by Just Learning; 07/15/08 10:07 AM.
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medc~

There is no explaining the unexplainable. I don't think you'd even buy it, if you were to hear it straight from my dh's mouth, in person, and I don't blame you. I'm only telling you what he has said, many times, and completely unprovoked from me. I even said to him, the first few times, "you don't have to say that you know, I know you love him, you have absolutely nothing to prove....", but he is adamant and says, "NO... he IS a blessing and a gift to me." I'm sure it surprises even him, and maybe that's why he says it often... as if he's amazed and doesn't understand it himself?

Of course he'd never, ever wish this situation, (my A & oc), on himself again.

I guess for him, it's for whatever reason, been relatively easy for him to separate the situation that brought the child about from the child himself.

It's like how pops views his Grace. Do you believe pops?

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In order for a BH to be able to function in the face of situations like we are discussing, I would think that self-deception would play a huge role in self-preservation and/or sanity maintenance for the BH.

I think Bob Pure said it best when he referred to it as "turd polish".

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