OK, so let me fill in you guys on everything that happened since I originally posted my situation in my original thread. You guys obviously know what happened in the thread, but I'll try to remember that was said on the outside.

So, I created the thread Sunday night. Monday, she came by for me to see our son. Now, this is the day she came over and there was dog poop and mold on the kitchen counter. Anyway, I had left my computer on all day and left the thread up. I had to work late and so she was here at the house cleaning and so on and got on my computer and saw the thread.

So, I call her when I got home. She left getting tired of waiting for me. I text her that I was working late but she left her phone at her Mom's. Anyway, so we talk and she starts asking questions about what I was doing. I kept saying that I am trying to save our marriage. She asked for specifics and I told her I contacted family and friends for support in our marriage. She asked what I told them and I said the truth. She yelled about how everyone already knew. I said, that's OK because I was only telling them so I could ask for the love and support.

Just to remind y'all, she moved out the last Sat. of June. That Wednesday, she called my house phone 4 times leaving messages about how she wanted to talk to me, how she's my wife and she loves me. One of the messages she was flat out crying. So, I talk to her on the phone and she says she's moving back and that she wants me to go with her to her sister's in Austin (we're in Houston) so we can talk about stuff away from everything. I told her to come over and she did. She started making comments about how she's afraid that I'll kill her and leave her on the side of the road once she tells me everything. Well, she ends up telling me then which was, "I slept with him... in April.... in May..... and June" I was stunned but wasn't surprised. I was only surprised that it was an ongoing thing where I thought it was probably a one night that went too far. I told her, if we're going to work, he can't be in your life at all. She acts a little freaked, says that maybe she rushed to a decision and decided to go to her sister's for the weekend by herself.

So, back to the recent, she tells me on the phone that that Wed. was a moment of weakness. That she just missed home and came back but realized it was a mistake as soon as she got back.

The next morning rolls around. I'm on the computer before I leave for work and she calls me a couple of times on both my cell and home phones. I just ignore them. I few minutes later, I hear my front door open and close. Yep, she came over. She bashed the site and everyone on it, told me she thought I was stronger than that to join a "cult". That's all I remember form that 1 hour conversation is her bashing the site. I just listened and when she asked anything I just said, "Anything I'm doing is only to try to save our marriage because I love you," or, "I'm doing anything to try to hurt you." Now, she defends that Dreamthing in she thought it was awful that everyone jumped down their throat just because he/she had a different opinion.

That night, she brings our son over so he can spend the night with me. She bashes the site more (this is the day the OM posted as well) and I don't remember much of that conversation again. I know she's complained a few times about how everyone can twist anything she says and bash her for it. She also said that I please change my username and post elsewhere she doesn't know what I'll do next to her. She starts to COMPLAIN about Dreamthing now saying how he/she is been saying hurtful things.

So, she comes over last night so my son can spend the night over again. We talk again about the site. Now, this is the day she changed her username and started saying some weird stuff. I responded with, "WHERE'S MY SON?!!!" She texted my phone telling me, "Geez, he;s right here next to me, I'm just messing with these people on the board." Anyway that night, she says we win, that she's the bad guy. She complains again about everyone on here and how they're losers have nothing better to do than sit on the computer, yada, yada. She says she's tired of crying over me all week over the board and she's not going to do it anymore. She said she's cried for years over me and she's just going to stop. I said I have no problem with her posting everything on her side of the story so people can get the full picture. Her: "Why would I want to air your dirty laundry to a bunch of people on the internet that doesn't know either one of us?" She said that, if she had been the thread starter talking about me, that everyone would have bashed me from the start as well.

She tells me she thinks all my efforts (flowers sent to her work on her bday, cooking a nice dinner for her one night when she came over, etc) are only because I'm competitive and want to "win".

Somehow her Mom comes up in the convo, and she tells me that her Mom hates me right now. Now, a few weeks ago, i called her Mom and she said something that just set me off and I b****** her out. I have apologized a bunch since. But, last night, my wife says that she still dislikes me over it and, these boards have pushed her over the top, especially since I called her a dingbat on here. I told her very calmly that I would love to talk to her to air our our differences. She yells, "You think she'll talk to you?!" "Don't sit there and expect a phone call from her!!!" Why do you care about air differences with my mom? I don't care if your family hates me!!" I just repeated the same things calmly, "If she hates over stuff, I would love to talk to her so that I can clear the air and air out any differences.

She asks if she can take a small piece of furniture, I said, "It's OK. I can't stop you. It's yours." She responds, "You don't have to be rude!!" Me: "I didn't mean to come off rude, it's just yours so you can take it if you need to." She grabs it and storms off to the door. I ask if she needed any help and she said, "NO, I don't need your help!" She goes to her car and puts it in.

So, she comes back in and her attitude switches. She starts asking me casual questions about stuff. But, the talk turned back into the site again. LOL!! She says she feels forced by everyone on here to do the questionares I gave her (EN's & LB's). I reiterated that she didn't have to do them and, if she did, she could go at her own pace. I wasn't pushing her to do them.

I asked her why she even cares what these people on the internet think of you. She said she doesn't but worries, even though I have a mind of my own, what things I would listen to or how involved I'd get in it.

Anyway, I don't remember what we were talking about, but she started getting louder. I calmly asked her if she could tone it down a notch. She got all pissed and stormed out. She says, "You say you love me but you complain about me on a piece of paper!" I asked what piece of paper. She said on my desk. She storms off out the door and drives away.

No more than 2 minutes later, the house phone rings. It's her. She sounds different again. She apologizes for messing with mr friends on the internet in the afternoon and for letting her emotions get the better of her that night. She said she will try to control her emotions and not let her tone get out of hand. I asked her what piece of paper. She said the EN's questionare I had on my desk that I barely worked on.

Well, now get this. She started to back track her whole story. How it's been nothing but an EMOTIONAL affair. That, that Wed. she came back to me, was just her trying to push me away by acting like she's coming back, telling me she slept with him so I would not want her anymore. She tells me how good a liar she is and how good an actress she is (she was a thespian in high school). But, she just keeps telling me it's been nothing but an EMOTIONAL affair. I asked, "So, you lied to all your friends and family?" her: "No! I've told them from the start that it was an EMOTIONAL affair and by two best friends have met him." I just said OK. She goes on about how she denied herself having a guy friend all these years because of my "jealousy".

She comes to pick my son up this morning for school, and she tries to ask me questions about which people have contacted me back on my expose. I didn't answer. I just said I don't feel like talking about it at the moment. She asked me to tell me what's on my mind and I said nothing really. She said, "Fine! We'll just act business like and just talk about our son only!" But, then she starts asking me questions about my weekend last week in a much nicer tone.

Anyway, haven't heard from her since. I know she's freaked over this site and even more freaked that a) she's not doing anything to get under my skin and b) doesn't know what's going on in my head because I've done mostly listening when she's been over.

I apologize for LOOOONG post, but that is just about everything that I can remember that's happened the last few days that I haven't been able to post since they were on and could read.

There were lots of people following your thread. You probably don't have to post all those details for them to find you here, maybe you can be a little more discreet IF you think that there's a chance that you will be followed again. KWIM?

Glad you're back!!!

WB and thank you for getting us up to date.

Hope you are doing well today.

I was going to PM or email a bunch that posted in the original thread and invite them over, but I couldn't for some reason.

One thing I remembered since I posted last night...

When she came over yesterday morning to pick our son, she handed me her EN's questionaie that she filled out.

The PM feature on these forums has been disabled so we can not PM one another.

And you'll only be able to email those that have their email address on their profile and/or signature IF it's a current address for them.

But the word WILL get out and they will return to help you.

Check out that EN questionaire carefully. Are you fulfilling those needs? What about your questionaire? Did you fill it out too and give it to her?

MenOut - consider me a bit "dense," but I don't know who you were in a "previous thread," although I do have a suspicion that it was a fairly lengthy thread.

"Fog."

"Guilt."

"Emotional."

"Taker."

Just some words to think about to put her "back and forth" into some perpsective. Recovery is a loooong process, and you are not there yet. "Destablizing" the affair and allowing some sunshine to begin to dissipate the "foggy thinking" is where you still are.

You are doing fine, and none of us does it "perfectly," so continue doing what you've been doing.


"Actions have consequences" is a reality too. Her actions AND your actions (such as exposure). There beneficial consequences and negative consequences, but there most often are no "easy" consequences. We "take action" usually from either an "emotional standpoint" or from a "rational standpoint." You are choosing the "rational standpoint" and it WILL have the "immediate" consequence of triggering emotional reactions from your wife. Keep focused on the "long term" consequences that accrue when the "fog" does start to lift and she begins to once again be in a position to make "rational standpoint" choices.

God bless.

Now is not the time for bitterness and suspicion. Watch the ACTIONS (such as actually filling out a form she "said" was stupid) not the words. Filling out the EN form is NOT "the answer," it is a "starting point" in beginning to understand how each of you "ranks" your own perceived needs AND it provides an insight into how each spouse "feels" that their needs are being met by their spouse.

INFORMATION is what you are after right now, not a "recovered" marriage.

Well, I'm not really fulfilling them now that she's moved out. I was trying to (had a real good idea of what needs I was not meeting before the questionaire) before she moved out.

I sort of filled my out. When I sat down to do it, all I could think of is our relationship since I found out about the OM. So much has happened over the last 2+ months, that it was hard remembering how I felt of our relationship before.

You're right. I shouldn't have said that. I should be happy she DID fill it out and not think of what other motives that MIGHT have been behind it.

IMHO, I think it is time to change the locks on the doors... or at least put password protect on your computer. She no longer has the right to come in and out unannounced and without knocking.

MenOut,

Keep one thing in focus...

It is what she DOES rather than what she says that is real.

She says you are done, but she filled out the ENQ.

The other side of the coin will also occur quite often in that she may say she wants to work things out, but continue with OM.

Act based on what she does and not what she says.

Make a serious effort at a superb Plan A as intense and complete as you can muster the strength for. Have a plan that you can execute no matter what she does and you stick with your plan. Try not to react to what she does or says but act based on your plan while watching her actions.

Nothing you will say to pursued her will suddenly turn things around and make her fall at your feet begging forgiveness. It will be little things you do to make deposits into her Love Bank that will produce the most results while at the same time stating as you have that you are fighting for your family to remain intact.

Make it about the FAMILY instead of just the marriage. She has checked out of the marriage, but the family is still something she will accept. Over time the two might become one and the same.

Beware unmet expectations! When you do something with a preconceived idea of how she will react to it is when your hopes will be dashed and you will question your plan. You work YOUR plan until you are out of gas.

You ACT on your plan while watching her ACTIONS...

Skip the trying to figure out what she is thinking and don't constantly try to make adjustments. The things you do right will have such subtle responses from her that you WILL miss the things that are working and also the things that are not. Tweak your plan solely on what you learn and understand, not because of her reaction.

You act and let her be the one to react...

Steve Harley uses a story in illustration that is worth repeating:

You stand beside a raging river needing to get to the other side. It is too deep to wade and the current is too strong to swim safely. There seems to be nothing you can do to reach the other side.

You pick up a rock and throw it into the water and see it disappear beneath the torrent. You throw another rock after it and it to vanishes without a trace. No matter how many rocks you throw, you see nothing for the efforts.

But if you think about what is happening you will realize that the river is not making the rocks vanish into nothingness. They are piling up on the bottom of the river even though you don't see any sign of them even being there.

You throw rock after rock and watch as each one seems to be lost. But you keep throwing those rocks, one after another and just understand that they are having an affect.

You throw 499 rocks and none makes so much as a noticeable change in the river's course. The flood still overwhelms each one. But then you throw the 500th rock and just the very tip of it appears above the surface. You now have a beginning to build on and before long each rock makes more difference than the one before and soon you have the beginning of a bridge to the other side.

Recovery of your marriage is your goal, but in order to do that you must first save it. Save it first and fix it later. Don't try to fix it in order to save it since working on fixing what is broken will result in having nothing left to fix.

Work your plan and KNOW that it is working even when you can't see it. Plan A her socks off. Meet whatever ENs she allows and avoid all love busters. It WILL make deposits into her Love Bank even when you don't see them. It is how OM got to be OM, even if she didn't realize it was happening. It is how you can do the same even if she doesn't realize you are doing it.

I'm cheering you on and praying for you even when I'm not posting.

Mark

Easier said than done. The house is one we've been renting out from a family friend of her and her Mom. So, I'd have to go through him and everything. Not saying it can't be done, but it's just not as easy as just changing the locks out today or whatever.

Hi MO,

I haven't read your other thread, but I think you are taking an admirable stab at remaining calm and rational -- something that may frusturate your WW incredibley, but that she desperateley needs right now. Continue to be a rock of stability, and to meet her needs as best you can in your circumstances. Like Exodus says, you may not see immediate improvement, but your efforts are not in vain.

Best wishes,

slh

I posted a thread titled for your wife, I don't know if she'll respond or not.

good news on the EN. I would like to harp on something early and probably unneccsarily.

Stay away from other women. Your very vulnerable to the first woman to come along and sending the slightest signals. I am not a weak person, but i have to admit i made this mistake myself.

I also have a problem with Porn, I dont think I'll ever be "cured", but its something my W is helping with, and will continue helping me with.

Good Luck to ya!

bobby

Thanks, RMX.

I guess you can try anything but, I'm thinking some of what other's posted in my original thread were pretty revealing and moving. If those posts can't through to her, I don't know what can. LOL!! But, I really do appreciate the effort.

I'm REALLY trying to stay away from other women. After she confessed, I had thought about seeking a one-night stand if only to make me feel better. But, I'm come way off that now. I'm still married (legally and in my heart) and will live my life and any decisions I make based on that.

BTW I was just in houston and boy did they stick it ya'll. You pay gas tax, registration and on top of that the sam houston tollway .. OUCH!

I was jumping all over the city (greenspoint mall) to gessner, harrisburg, even way out in pasadena and beaumont, y'all just love sprawl!!!!

we arent going to accept toll roads so easily here!!

Quick question...

Should I suggest to the OMW that she should expose to all his and her friends and family as well?

Or suggest that she take action to not allow her kids around my WW?

I dont feel confidant in any answer i could give you in regards to that question. Sorry.

Someone else will have to help you with that one.

1. Should I suggest to the OMW that she should expose to all his and her friends and family as well?

No - unless asked.

2. Or suggest that she take action to not allow her kids around my WW?

YES!

RMX said:


Oh, yes, indeedy, RMX, it hurts to live here in H-town. When my dh worked for GE, he was travelling 40+ miles one-way on the Sam Houston (Am I ever glad he went back to NASA!). And don't even think about leaving the house or work after 10 AM and before 5 PM, unless you plan on being in a car or building with the AC set to "Arctic". The heat will kill you.

MO said:


MO, I can't encourage you enough -- continue to hold tight to your convictions regarding feeling married, both in your heart and legally. There will be many ups and downs on the road ahead. Once Plan A is fully engaged, and your focus is on meeting your WW's needs, there may be times when your Taker starts nudging you, reminding you of all of your unmet needs. And the small attentions of an appreciative female, no matter how innocent, can be an invisible lure that your neglected heart will find hard to resist.

No matter what, hold fast to your marriage and press onward. You can do it!