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She came over a little while ago to drop off our son for the weekend and she barely even looked at me. She said hi and bye is a happyish tone, but just walked off like I was no one.

How the hell am I supposed to try to fill any EN's if she doesn't give me the time of day.

Last edited by MenOut; 07/19/08 03:35 PM.
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She said hi and bye is a happyish tone, but just walked off like I was no one.

I am ashamed to say, I have done that myself. She could either be (A) trying to get some sort of reaction out of you, or (B) not necessarily behaving that way on purpose, but she may be trying to protect herself.

MO, this is going to be tough. Buckle up. You will have more of this ahead than you know. You need to remain steadfast and calm throughout every interaction with her. I know it is raw, and it hurts. But consistency is key here. Don't force it on her, but when you do see one another, be positive. Every interaction is a building block -- don't let the lack of progress you are seeing tear you down before you even get into first gear.

Take a deep breath, and remember, you will have to see her again when she comes to pick up your son. How will you act then?

Yes, this is hard, but you can do it!





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as you fall.

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I thought of calling her just to say "I Love You" but I don't know. Maybe it's pushing it.

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I think it is pushing it. You are hurt, and needing reassurance right now. It's very possible that she would sense that and consider it a sign of weakness and desperation. Which would, in turn, make you feel worse, and make her feel trapped.

Don't get me wrong--there is a time and place for telling her you love her.

Where exactly are you in Plan A?

slh


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Have no idea. When she still lived here I was giving her all kinds of things to try to meet her needs. I was more attentive when she talked, I was around all the time (me always being in the game room was a BIG issue), I tried to be more affectionate, etc.

I knew she was moving out around the 1st of July so I was trying to show her how good I am and how I've changed as much as possible before hand.

Ever since that infamous Wed., things have just been all over the map.

I came on here last weekend and basically have been in exposure mode and witnessing as her and OM blasted me and everyone else on here through my thread.

I still have some exposing I need to do. I want to tell her Aunt (religious) and her sister as well as the family friend of her and her Mom that owns the house we've been renting out.

Last edited by MenOut; 07/19/08 04:13 PM.
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Geez! I've written at least 5 posts to you, and then my computer locks up and shuts down each time. I am so sorry.

I had a list of Plan A links that I think you would enjoy reading -- they are informative and empowering -- but as I have about a minute and a half before this computer crashes again, I am going to wait and hunt them down plus post them again another time. You may want to visit the Plan A forum and do some research on your own. Regardless, the first thing you need to know is Plan A is for YOU!

I know your son is with you this weekend; try to keep up a good outlook for him. I know it's hard.

I'm sending this off before I lose it, too!

slh


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I have some Plan A stuff on the first couple of pages of my Musings thread linked in my sig line.

For an example of a long distance Plan A see Queenie's thread.

For an example of an intense and well done Plan A see TooMuchTooSoon's threads from late last fall and through early 08. Those too are linked in my Musings thread, though they are nearer the end of the thread. On pages 4, 5 and/or 6 I also have some links, a few to stuff here and some off-site links that were of help to me as well.

If you look for the notable posts/threads thread and Pep's Notable posts thread, there is some really good stuff linked in those, though a few of the links have yet to be fixed after the recent upgrade.

The Notable Posts/Threads post can be found at Notable Posts/Threads. In that post are some great links including Pep's Notable Posts. So much stuff to read you'll be here at least a year if you try to hit it all. If you find any links that are broken, you can try to find them by looking at the specific forum around the dates of the original posts or drop Justuss a line and maybe they can get fixed piecemeal, though it really takes quite a bit of work to fix them all.

I assume you have read the top few posts pinned to the top of the Just Found Out forum. If not, check them out. I refer to WAT's Quick Start Guide and Longhorn's thread.

Mark

Last edited by Mark1952; 07/19/08 10:41 PM.
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Thanks, Mark.

I've read a couple TMTS's saga and am starting to get it a little better.

Just seems so daunting. I mean, to talk about dealing with this for 6 months to 2 years is crazy.

And to just think, it seemed I had her back. She was coming back me and was going to "break his heart" and I gave her the ULTIMATUM of he can never be a part of her life again. The boom, out the door again she went. Of course that was before I got to this site and I know it probably didn't mean it was over between them two but it was something and I feel like I blew an opportunity.

The next two weeks haven't been good. The first week was one where I reacted to not having expectations met every time she was over (again, before I came here). This week had the whole fiasco of me starting to expose (once I posted here), her coming across this site, her and OM posting and getting BASHED, and her complaining to me all week about it. But, the week ended with her handing me her ENQ.

So, a little confused. LOL!!

Her sister and BIL are in town. Her, her mom and sis quickly dropped by so my WW could give me our son for the weekend. They looked in a hurry, so I knew they would be out for a while and her BIL never goes anywhere with them. he just stays at my MIL's house. So, I drove over there and talked to him, told him of the A. Me and him have never got along very well. But, I talked things over with him, asked for his and her sis's support for both of us and shook his hand telling him I REALLY appreciate it as well how I appreciate him listening.

My WW called me asked how I got in the house (front door was unlocked and my son just opened the door, he told them I dropped by) but never asked why I was there nor acted concerned.

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Hey Mo,

Glad to see you here.

Just catching up w/ your sitch.

princessmeggy,

Your thread on general II is a danger.

Esp. this part..."Lots of people were posting before it was locked on GQII."

I know what you're trying to do, but if I found it, so can his WW.

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Hey, MO. Glad I found you! From what you've said, I think you have her terrified that you have this whole support system behind you, and she's just stuck floundering around like she always has. She really can't get over the Internet thing, can she?

Well, good. Let her stew. Her fear is the only thing that's going to make her willing to meet your boundaries, such as getting rid of the doofus OM.

Just keep taking the high road. As long as you do that, you'll never get messed over, kwim?

Use this time alone to do some reassessment of your life and your plans and your future and who should be in it. And, if WW should be in it, in what capacity? Get a firm picture in your mind of how you would be willing to take her back, and don't deviate from that. If worst comes to worst, the judge at your divorce trial will see what a strong, respectful, insightful person you've been.

Which brings me to your son. I suggest you spend some time trying to envision all possible outcomes of all this as regards your son. She keeps, you keep, you share, what will work? The more you've come to a decision about, the stronger you can be when you have to deal with her. Every little piece of the game she plays, just keep referring back to what you want. If what she's offering doesn't fit that picture, politely decline and tell her that won't do. You'll eventually reach at least one of your possible conclusions, for better or worse. I'm suggesting this because I want you to make the best possible decisions for your son. It's always possible that you might end up with primary custody, if your marriage doesn't work out. So it will help to know what you're willing to accept.

btw, Howdy! N, S, E, NW, NE, SW, or SE?

Good luck!

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Originally Posted by RMX
BTW I was just in houston and boy did they stick it ya'll. You pay gas tax, registration and on top of that the sam houston tollway .. OUCH!

I was jumping all over the city (greenspoint mall) to gessner, harrisburg, even way out in pasadena and beaumont, y'all just love sprawl!!!!

we arent going to accept toll roads so easily here!!
RMX, I'm in Houston, and I resemble that! lol! Houston sprawls because we haven't got so much as a hill in our city, so we might as well just keep spreading out. Oh, and keep away from Gunspoint - I mean Greenspoint! That was supposed to be our golden section, but it got filled up with apartments, the apartments got filled with low income people, the malls/homes started getting vandalized on a regular basis, and basically that entire part of town is off limits.

Anyway, *waves* Hi MenOut! I had no idea you were in Houston! Now I'm wondering if I know you guys! (yeah, right, in a city of 4 million people)

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Originally Posted by MenOut
Quick question...

Should I suggest to the OMW that she should expose to all his and her friends and family as well?

Or suggest that she take action to not allow her kids around my WW?
Heck yeah! The more pressure the better!

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Originally Posted by catperson
Originally Posted by RMX
BTW I was just in houston and boy did they stick it ya'll. You pay gas tax, registration and on top of that the sam houston tollway .. OUCH!

I was jumping all over the city (greenspoint mall) to gessner, harrisburg, even way out in pasadena and beaumont, y'all just love sprawl!!!!

we arent going to accept toll roads so easily here!!
RMX, I'm in Houston, and I resemble that! lol! Houston sprawls because we haven't got so much as a hill in our city, so we might as well just keep spreading out. Oh, and keep away from Gunspoint - I mean Greenspoint! That was supposed to be our golden section, but it got filled up with apartments, the apartments got filled with low income people, the malls/homes started getting vandalized on a regular basis, and basically that entire part of town is off limits.

Anyway, *waves* Hi MenOut! I had no idea you were in Houston! Now I'm wondering if I know you guys! (yeah, right, in a city of 4 million people)


T/J

I'm heading that way in the next two weeks and i have to go back to greenspoint mall, so I'll make sure its during the day!!

You don't want to know me, I only show up when there is a computer problem, and after 3 hours on the road (I-10) I am NOT the most sociable person. LOL

End of T/J

Good job in the BIL. You are doing so well!!
Endless pressure, endlessy applied smile ... with grace!




Last edited by RMX; 07/19/08 11:19 PM.

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I wouldnt expose unless the OMW wants too. Sounds like you are on a good path Men. As for her not saying much there could be several things going on in her mind. Especially if MB hit her that bad she might actually be considering that we arent a 'cult'

OK RMX so you me and the kids can pack up a day trip to Houston in 2 wks???? *sorry t/j*


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princessmeggy,

Your thread on general II is a danger.

Weird, I went back to edit it and someone had already done it for me with no notation that it had been edited. I suppose/hope it was the mods. frown


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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BTW, I emailed OMW again, told her everything I know as well as what OM posted in my original thread (with a link if she wanted to read herself). I only suggested she take action so that her kids don't continue to get involved in their affair.

I'm also going to email my MIL with the same info.

I keep going back in my mind to the phone convo I had with MIL to expose. She tells she only thought they were good friends but, when I made some comment how WW has lied to both of us she responds with, "No, she hasn't lied." Then I say, for us to work on our marriage, things have to end with them. She responds with, "I don't know how she can give up that friendship."

When I mentioned the A to her BIL, he didn't act shocked which was surprising. He just went, "Ah."

Oh, lived in Sugar Land all my life and now in Missouri City.

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MO,

It's not unusual for the in-laws to want to make their children "happy" and to go along with the affair. Too often they have absolutely NO backbone. Sorry that's happening to you. Try not to get into anymore arguments with her, though, because she will change her stripes right back again when your marriage is recovered - and she will be ashamed at her position at that point. Then, the three of you will have to sit down and have a talk about what happened and work out the problem at some point down the road. MIL can't see that right now, but all too often we do see it here at MB.

Your WW is playing out the usual script. She doesn't want to give up the "friendship". The lie about it not being a PA is just that - a LIE. She can't believe that you told on her, and she is absolutely freaking out.

See, WW has told her mom that she and OM are just friends, mom wants to believe that, and so MIL is on WW's side. MIL wants her baby to be happy!!! And her baby hasn't actually "cheated" on you - they are only "friends"!!!! At least that's what your WW has told her. Now that you have exposed, your WW is trying to go around and clean up the mess.

Only she is freaking out because she cannot unring the bell.

She KNOWS people will never believe her lie - that she lied about having sex to pi$$ you off. PUHLEASE. That is SO high school. She has regressed in maturity at least 10 years and you can tell her I said so, and no, I don't have to know anyone personally to see that kind of BS (and I don't mean betrayed spouse!).

Stick with Plan A. wait it out, because the panic you are seeing is also typical!


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Man, put my son to bed tonight and nearly lost it.

I laid with him in his bed for a little while, he laid in my arm, his head on my shoulder and I was telling him how sorry I was that he was going through all of this. I told him that I will fix it, mark my word.

But, I nearly lost it when telling him that. I was half heart-broken and half PISSED off at her for what she is doing. I got to a point I almost said f-it, I'm just going to just divorce her and get full custody of our son and be done with it all. As heart-broken as I am over what I'm going through, it's 10x more for what he must be going through in all of this.

I'll give him this, he is a STRONG kid, especially being only 4 yrs. old, and I admire him for it.

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Originally Posted by MenOut
Man, put my son to bed tonight and nearly lost it.

I laid with him in his bed for a little while, he laid in my arm, his head on my shoulder and I was telling him how sorry I was that he was going through all of this. I told him that I will fix it, mark my word.

But, I nearly lost it when telling him that. I was half heart-broken and half PISSED off at her for what she is doing. I got to a point I almost said f-it, I'm just going to just divorce her and get full custody of our son and be done with it all. As heart-broken as I am over what I'm going through, it's 10x more for what he must be going through in all of this.

I'll give him this, he is a STRONG kid, especially being only 4 yrs. old, and I admire him for it.

Welcome back, Mo. I was apprehensive about posting to you because I fear your WW or the OM would watch who I post to in attempt to find the new you. But I just had to respond today.

Take your anger and your hurt and MAN UP for your son. Transfer that negative energy into postive actions and plans. You are the only sane person in this situation. The only one who can protect him. He needs a hero and I vote its you.

You've already shown great strength and calm (like father like son) where most have buckled to their knees. Its time you layout a plan and follow it. Reacting to emotions will get you nowhere, and will leave you AND YOUR SON a victim.

Have you read all about Plan A? Have you read the "Carrot and the Stick of Plan A" yet?

BTW: Have you changed ALL your email passwords and locked down your computers yet (Login & IDSID PWs)? Please do so. I wouldn't assume certain folks don't know your PWs, esp after the recent show of interest in your actvities here.


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Yea, it was a brief moment a felt like that. I said I NEARLY broke down. I didn't because my son didn't need to see it.

I haven't been able to find the "Carrot" deal you've mentioned but I've read some of Mark's stuff and I'm understanding it a lot better. I just have to make myself the man she's always wanted me to be.

Funny thing is, I bought an PDF book about marital crisis, separation, infidelity, etc online a few weeks ago (by Nancy Wasson PhD) and it basically was telling me the same sort of stuff which I was following. I've done A LOT of self revelation through all of this and realized things I needed to be better in as a man, husband and father. So, I've really concentrated on that stuff. But hey, sometimes the situation gets to me.

I even bought a dry erase board a few weeks ago to hang over my desk. I wrote "My Goals" on the top and have key points under it. It's one way to keep me focused. This is one half of it...

1A) Successful, Happy Marriage
a) Listen, listen, listen
b) The small things matter the most
c) Be there emotionally
d) Find quality time together every day

2A) Be A Better Me
a) Positive, Confident, Happy, More Spontaneous
b) Less dependent on others
c) Take care of myself (physically and health-wise)
d) Control my emotions

3A) Be A Better Father
a) Accept him for who he is
b) Learn more about autism
c) Do more with him every day
d) Teach, teach, teach

4A) Be More Religious
a) Have more faith
b) Attend church more

The other half will be more job, financial stuff or what not, but I haven't done it yet.

But, I get it. Show her I'm the best man she can find to meet all her needs without doing anything emotional that will scare her off. That way, when the fog lifts, she knows exactly where to go to. Do I have it right?

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