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#2101418 07/31/08 09:02 AM
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I talked with a lawyer about custody and/or getting our son back into HIS home, as well talked with her about getting a restraining order against OM, and she told me there is NOTHING I can do unless I file for divorce first.

So, do you have any suggestions now on what I can do?

Just for reference, this is what you told me in my original thread.

Quote
mog,

BTW...unless there is a custody agreement in place you BOTH have equal access to your child. SHE does not get to call the shots and BESTOW visitation upon you. Allowing such sets a terrible precedent. It's akin to conceding custody to your adulterous sick wife. Your child deserves better and you are the only remaining moral parent he's got.

I am attorney and I suggest you seek local representation to assist YOU with figuring out this mess and exploring your options. Until something is hammered out by your attorney (NOT YOU as you focus on marital recovery and not ligation)...you ALLOW nothing less than 50-50 custody.

If she won't "allow" this (as WW's are entitled dirtbags who think they get to call all the shots and think they can abuse you, take your kids and make you PAY for their continued misconduct)...THEN you MUST impose it.

The way you do this is...if she keeps your son 4 days and then "allows" you visitation, then YOU get 4 days. If she keeps the kid 8 days, then when she finally comes to her senses and allows you to see the child again...YOU get 8 days. Just don't give him back. She has NO RIGHT to keep him from you nor any LEGAL right to make you give him back (as long as you are FAIR hence the equal day approach). IF she denies you all visitation because she doesn't like you standing up for yourself and your rights to your child then you document THAT too and she'll end up LOSING complete custody of your child based upon the Parental Alienation laws. Typically, with a WW there is some initial hostility to such a plan...but once she meets with a lawyer, such lawyer will INSIST that she not make the mistake of denying you any custody or visitation.

Don't allow her to manipulate and gaslight you into accepting anything less than your RIGHTS allow. Stay calm and insist upon them.

Another upside. IF she ends her adulterous affair and you get a shot at recovery. Standing up for yourself garners her respect and will aide in recovery (because you won't appear the wimp that totally put up with her crap and ate it too). "Maning Up" as we like to call it pays dividends in recovery (marital as well as individual since YOU will respect yourself more looking back someday regardless of the outcome).


REGARDLESS, I still think you should be filing a restraining order against OM prohibiting him having any contact with your vulnerable child.

Mr. Wondering

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MO...

Mr. W is out of pocket for most if not all of the day today...I will let him know about this call-out...Hopefully he will be able to answer you later this afternoon or sometime this evening...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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I appreciate it MrsW.

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Mrs. W,
I was wondering if you would be willing to talk via email with my FWW. I think she needs to talk with someone who has been in her shoes to help her understand how to process her feelings and work towards recovery in a healthy way. I don't know yet if she will go for it, since I probably won't hear from her again until tonight, but if its ok with you, I'd like to at least give her your email address.

I'll wait to hear back from you, of course, before I do so.
Thanks

-Andrew

Last edited by andrew3; 07/31/08 10:50 AM.

ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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Mrs. Wondering,
I hope you don't mind, but I gave my wife your email address and asked her to contact you about what she is going through. I think she needs to hear from someone who has BTDT and recovered a happy and healthy marriage.

Right now, I think she is scared of "going all in" to the recovery process. She is afraid I will just leave anyways and she will have opened herself up to her own pain for nothing.

Thanks,
Andrew


ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
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Now just living and loving again.
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Don't mind at all Andrew...Funny I thought about posting and telling you that you could do that on your "bell" thread...I hope she does contact me...

MO, I am going to call Mr. W and remind him that this post is there...Sorry yesterday was so busy for him...

Mrs. W


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FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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[first off- I'm a tax lawyer that doesn't litigate at all in my state let alone yours...YOUR attorney needs to really direct you on what your rights are there]

That being said:

I don't know why you have to file a divorce first before filing a restraining order against OM. Perhaps because your wife has joint custody and can take the kid wherever she chooses until you file for divorce but that doesn't make sense to me. YOU are his parent and YOU, individually and jointly with your wife were she on board, should BOTH have the right to file a restraining order against OM on behalf of your son. You'd likely file it on behalf of yourself and your son. You are his advocate...so why not. Even if you LOSE the restraining order hearing you'll, at least, get the opportunity to put OM and maybe your wife on the witness stand to defend themselves regarding this situation. OM's entire criminal record will be admissable and IF you ever get divorced and have a custody battle down the road you will be on record trying to protect your son, your family and your marriage from this dangerous likely child molestor interloper.

I also stand by my custody advice above. She drops your son off for visitation with you...you take as many days as you can up to the amount of days SHE took. If she wants to negotiate a 50-50 schedule...then consider it (unless you want and can handle 80-20 primary custody...then do it as that boy needs protecting from OM and your WW). If she won't negotiate, just insist upon the equal days doctrine. If she refuses to drop him off to you then you've eventually, when and if you do file for divorce or custody, got a parental alienation claim. Courts don't like parents withholding children from their parents especially if you live down south in states like Virginia, the Carolina's, Georgia or Texas, to name a few.

Start saving your money. This is going to likely get expensive. Maybe shop around a bit for a more aggressive attorney. Pitbulls won't focus on what you can't do.

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

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Well, here is the deal. I have no way right now of taking care of him during the say. He has to get to and from school as well as be taken care of after school while I'm at work.

So, I'm not sure how I can work out anything. I want to insist he spend the day with her and her mom (school, child care) and then I pick him up nightly so that he is home every night and then MAYBE we can work on alternating weekends.

I don't know where she gets off determining herself when I see him. She's already written down the nights and weekends I have him in August. It's 4-3 in her favor every week and, again, most of those days are just me having him at night after I get home. I mean, how much time can we spend together when in a couple of hours it's his bed time. We get up in the morning, I get him ready for school and then she picks him up. So, a total of 5 hours or so to spend with him while she spends every day with him regardless of if it's my "night" or not.

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You are going to have to fight this out in court.

The lawyer you have does not seem to be a good fit for your needs. Time to shop for a new one.

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Try "redoing" the calender giving yourself 50-50 by maybe adding in a weekend day or two. She's wayward, she'll likely love having free time on the weekend to spend boinking OM.

You don't have to agree with HER calender. Redo it and label it "proposed" new August 2008 calender showing an indication that you are willing to work with her to co-parent your child but acknowledging that less than 50-50 doesn't work for you. If she fights with you, you indicate OK if you think 4/3 is fair...YOU take 3 and I'll take 4. Not so fair is it???

Of course, I think you should have 100% custody as I KNOW your wife is not a fit parent right now. If she were she'd be at home working on her marriage. Despite what anyone says, there is NO better way to raise a happy well adjusted healthy child than within a two parent married home. Affair relationships are SICK and children exposed to such a fantasy relationship end up with huge intimacy issues not to mention higher risks of suicide, child molestation, drugs, etc. She's driving her and your son's future into a brick wall and she's TRYING to seem happy about it. It eats her soul and won't stop until she repents and comes home. No matter where she goes...there she will be.

Do what you can on the custody issue. Standing up strong for yourself behooves you. Women, such as your wife, are attracted to strength. It's actually a good Plan A move to demonstrate strength and not allow her to treat you like a doormat. You just have to do it calmly...without yelling or anger.

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
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Originally Posted by MenOut
Well, here is the deal. I have no way right now of taking care of him during the say. He has to get to and from school as well as be taken care of after school while I'm at work.

Assuming you don't pull your wife's head out her behind and you end up divorced, wouldn't you find a way to handle primary custody and get your child to and from school and after care??

Your wife is NUTS right now. She COULD just move away or, if you are in certain courts in certain southern states, you could end up with primary custody as some jurisdictions (depending on the judge) are very likely to give a BH primary custody of their children IF they ask for it AND they can handle it.

YOU MAY be in such juridiction so you might as well start figuring out how to be a single parent and make accomodations.

Options:

Can you carpool and maybe take the kid to school yourself somedays and others with another single father or something?

Is there Latchkey options or a grandparent or other relative that can take your son in after school???

I seem to recall that he is autistic so I realize this may be problematic.

But what would you do if you had to....because you have to NOW.

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
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and again..

demonstrating such abilities ALSO is a good plan A move as it shows off your abilities to be a good father. Your child has special needs and no one is going to care about him (nor your wife) quite like YOU can.

That is a plus on your side of the balance sheet.

OM - potential child molester

vs.

BH - Good father, loves me despite what I've done, history, demonstrates strength even in the midst of turmoil (he is a rock upon whom I can rely), etc.

Mr. Wondering


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Quote
I talked with a lawyer about custody and/or getting our son back into HIS home, as well talked with her about getting a restraining order against OM, and she told me there is NOTHING I can do unless I file for divorce first.

Did you ask about filing a legal separation agreement? Some states have them and some don't. THEN you could go for the TRO in the temporary orders.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story

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