Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 10
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 10
Ok so where do I begin. Well I am a husband who had his wife cheat on him. She cheated on me with a close friend of mine which makes this double hard to cope with. To make matters worst she got pregnate with his child. I never in a million years would have imagined her cheating on me. We have 4 children together 1 daughter that is age 12 and 3 4 year old triplets. I got a vasictamy after the triplets and a little bit later she got pregnate with the newest girl. I knew there were small chances that sometime vasictamy doesn't take or it grows back. I just figured this is what had happened. from my brief thinking about it at the time I remembered that we had had a lot of sex kinda recently and she was kinda far along when she found out about it. Anyway continuing on I felt the whole time that this was my child. What am I saying it wasn't even ever a thought in my mind this was my child. Anyway, we had been getting further and further apart largely my fault as I had my nose stuck in my computer playing computer games like World of Warcraft and such. She would leave like 30 mins after I would get home from work to go out with a friend to take a break as she takes care of our triplets and now the new little one all day long while I am at work. I at first knowing she needed a break didn't mind much and gave me time to play my game here and there while I let the TV baby sit the kids. I know I am a horrible father but needless to say I am changing all of that but more on that later. After a while though I sensed something was missing in my life and that was my wife and my new child again still didn't know. Our friend who was someone that my wife had dated briefly a very long time ago and his family would come over alot prior to my wife getting pregnate. We will call this friend John. John started playing WOW and other games with me our families would go to water parks and camp out together. John's wife was a little bit of a psycho path and they were having some troubles of course him getting sucked into playing WoW with me made it worse. well some time after our new baby we will call her Sara was born John's Wife cheated on him with his best friend since Kindergarden (ironic I know). So anyway this is the back story. Fast forward to today in the past several days I have installed a keylogger onto my wife's computer after feeling something was not right. I got her passwords to her myspace account and started looking at personal message most of them from John and what I saw completely devestated me. Love messages back and forth nothing really graphic but enough that I knew something was not right. I immediately called my friend at work to confront him. Again my wife had left with the baby to go out supposedly to the store. He of course completely denied everything and magically as I was explaining to him that I see his messages to my wife and hers back to you the messages disappeared. Before the messages disappeared he tried to explain that his X wife has been trying to start crap and getting into his account and my wifes account. When the messages all of a sudden disappeared I knew this couldn't possibly be true not to mention his X wife didn't know jack about computers and couldn't pull something like that off. I pretty much let it go at that I fortuantely had already copy and pasted some of the messages and read most of them before I called him. Magically my wife shows up a little while after getting of the phone with John. I try to confront her about it but she denies it and refuses to talk about the subject because our oldest daughter was in the other room and I was starting to get heated. I agreed that this was not the kind of thing to talk about around our child that would understand full well what was going on so I backed off. I then continued to monitor what the keylogger picked up of course my wife stopped using the my space account pretty much so no more evidence there. However I caught something on the key logger where she had logged into her cell service webpage to send a text message to another phone. The message was sent to Johns phone the message read ur daughter has I temper I just tried to take somethign away from her and she is pissed. The thing is when I came home from work that day (this being the day after the first confrontations)she had told me about how Sara acted when she took a piece of paper away from her. Needless to stay I was completely crushed I didn't know what else to do. I love my wife with all my heart. I had in the couple of weeks prior to this started to see just how much I had ignored her over the years and made her feel less than my wife. Desiding to try a different tatic than confrontation I tried to just talk to her about how I felt in general started talking and broke down we had a pretty nice talk. That night I couldn't sleep kept going into our room where she was currently sleeping with the baby and just watched her sleep and how beautiful she was wrote her a sappy letter on the computer, prayed to god for strength and wisdom. Was led to go in and kiss her I did she sorta woke up I started talking and crying to her telling her how sorry I was for making her feel like I didn't care about her at all that she was anything less than my wife. Anyway later that moring I confronted her ask her to level with me and come clean She did and told me everything. Now comes to my problem LOL sorry long winded but I guess these stories usually are. Anyway She wants to work things out says that she does love me and I love her and the actual affair has been over for a little while even though we continued to hang out with John even going on vacation with him and his kids who have btw because good friends with my oldest daughter yet another kink in this chain. Anyway my first reaction is that she is going to have to stop talking to John. She says she can't competely do that because of Sara being his daughter and refuses to keep him from her. She has no plans to ever let her know that he is really her Dad and neither do I. It would hurt our kids and Sara too much. So basially at this point only my wife, John, and I know about this and this is the way we wanted it to stay. This is why I come here to post. Here are my problems.

1. I love my wife dearly and want to make this work
2. I love this child now knowing that she is not mine is affecting me but I can't allow that to happen I don't want this child to feel an less loved. Just not sure how I am going to do that.
3. John is now kinda stuck in our lives even though at this point I really could care less for him. Part of me wants to care because he was a friend but at this point another part just can't get past hating him right now. Don't know what to do about this

I guess I am looking for any advice someone that might have had something similar happen. I love my wife and I want to stay with her mainly because I do love her but also for my kids. Things I worry about now is Sara I don't know how I should treat her I do love her how can you not love a baby and it isn't her fault she didn't ask to be born into this horrible mess. But I just see my self when she gets older going to punish her for something she might do wrong and not feeling like I have the right to do so. I don't want this child to grow up and think that her Daddy (Me because at this point we all agree John included that I am going to be the childs father as far as she knows and we are never going to tell anyone) had didn't love her as much as my own fleash and blood children because again she doesn't know. Anyway I am going to get off her now hope to get some direction please help here.

Last edited by Telperien; 08/01/08 06:46 PM.
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 1,094
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 1,094
welcome and sorry you have this mess to deal with. your marriage can work but it will take a lot of work and education from both you and your w.

after 20+ yrs of marriage and 6 kids together my w had an A and we are raising our oc. check out the time line at the bottom of my post.

this can work out but here are some major things that need to happen. read all you can on this site. your w has to cut john out of your relationship. you should do the same. why would you want to remain his friend after he did this with your w? which one means more to you? your w and mother of your children or your WoW buddy?

get a dna test to determine paternity of the child. talk with a good family attorney to find out all of your legal aptions. and i am not hinting at divorce as your only option. there are many more.

once the dna is determined you and your w will need to make some very tough decisions together. will you take on full legal custody of the child? if john is the bio father should he pay cs? if so he may gain visitation and stay in the childs life. if you do not seek cs you can keep him away from your family in most states.

generally it is recommended by the Harley's that the om should be kept out of the picture. BUT there are many people who have survived this nightmare and rebuilt their marriages with every imaginable scenereo you could think of. some with visitation some without.

quite frankly you seem to have told this story like it is no big deal. it is hard for me to get a read on how devastated you are over this. it seems like your attitude is "whatever dude".

don't just take it for granted that the playing rules in your situation are set in stone. they can be changed.

one major concern i have is since your w has been telling john about "his" daughter and she has obviously had her around him is what does she have the child refer to john as? daddy, uncle john, bo diddly? and what does the baby know you as?

and i don't mean that in any derogatory fashion.


me-59 ww-55
married 1979 - together since 1974
6 kids together 15,19,21,23,29,30
my oldest son 37
d-day (confession day) memorial day 2001
oc born 12/20/01
now 8 grandchildren
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 10
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 10
Thanks for your reply. I guess the reason my story seems to be told matter of factly is that I am kinda numb at this point. I really don't know what emotion to throw out there and to be honest I am kind of afraid to show any emotion what so ever at this point. As for my comment about John and any sympathy it might have indicated I had for him because he was a friend know that its more like 99% I want to beat the living crap out of him and 1% the other or less that 1%. But there are kids involved and my most important priority at this point other than fixing my marriage is protecting my children and the child that I thought was mine and that I still love dearly. What I can't at this point come to grips with is my wife refuses to completely cut John out of the oc's life. She nor I nor John (and I say John but this is coming from my wife not John as I haven't spoken to him) feel that this child should never know that I am not its father. I can understand where my wife is coming from on this having grown up without her real father for most her life, but at the same time I just don't see how that will work. At this point the baby is really a baby was only born in Feb. So the baby doesn't call me or John anything. This is just the thing I don't know how this is going to work. She has basically told John she will not cut him completely out of this childs life. Keep in mind this affair was pretty short and ended before I found out about it I didn't really find out until after the fact. When I think about all this sometimes I just want to punch something and I am not a violent person at all but I need to get me a punching bag or something because sometimes I am afraid I am going to punch something and hurt myself or something... anyway... Not that it excuses my W actions any and she doesn't want me to excuse it she knows what she did was wrong, but I know that I basically stepped out on her emotionally for years.. at the time I of course didn't see it that way but I do know that in a way I had an A on her just not with OW but with the computer and getting absorbed into my own little world with all my online friends. Again I know its not exactly the same thing but at the same time I have all of these emotions of anger and betrayal I also have all these emotions of guilt because I do love my wife dearly and I know that I hurt her for years which I know didn't help her at all in resisting this A. So I do feel some of the blame here. No I didn't put a gun to her head and pull the trigger but I did load the gun so to speak.

I can not really separate from my wife nor do I want to I love her dearly I honestly believe her when she says that the A was over and is over and that she loves me and wants to make our marriage work. I don't want our kids knowing anything happened at all or that anything is really wrong I want my kids lives to be as normal as possible. To top all of this off we are in the middle of dealing with a forclosure on our house so I haven't been able to devote all my energy to dealing with this because I have to make sure I keep the roof over my kids heads. I feel like I am going to explode. Everything is really just a big blur right now and I don't know how to make the world stop spinning.

oh and forgot to answer your last question she always refers to me as daddy when dealing with the baby not sure how she plans to refer to John. All things I have a hard time wrapping my head around and my W doesn't seem to know how all that is going to be handled either all things we are still hashing out here keep in mind I found out about all of this like Monday of this week and got her to admit to it on like Tuesday so it is all still pretty new at this point.

So let me ask you because as I said the children are right now a top priority how do you deal with oc not sure in your case if you thought oc was yours at first or what your situation is but you said you are raising oc. One of my biggiest fears as far as the oc goes in this case is she will grow up and feel that my love for her is different than for my other children and that something is missing there. Yes I know in a way things have changed and the child I once thought was mine isn't really mine but I do still love her and don't want this to affect my love for her. So how are you dealing with all of that? Does the oc know? Do your kids know? My kids are 12, 4, 4, 4 and they don't know and I want to keep it that way.

Last edited by Telperien; 08/01/08 03:35 AM.
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
You will need to see a lawyer.

Most states use to determine paternity base on the law of presumption. The husband of woman is considered to be the dad to the wife's child. It could not be proven otherwise. Some laws on a state by state basis have been changing due to DNA testing being able to prove paternity. This may come down to a court fight to exclude the OM as being named as the dad.

You have a councilor that is not pro marriage. I would drop her and use the Harley's, or someone that works as they do. This councilor is only about making your WW feel good about herself.

Their needs to be no contact not just between your WW and OM but between families as well. Because as the children interact it will require parent contact thus NC will never be achieved between WW and OM.

Stop calling the OM your friend. XF. It's one thing to slip and have an affair. But to bang the spouse of a friend, family, or relative.

As you read here on MB you will see how NC is important to not just end the affair but to keep it from restarting. As you see your WW has not gone through withdrawal for the OM, and never will. She is still putting the OM's needs before yours.

You can allow the OM into your life. You can chose to keep him out of it. You would not be wrong to keep him out if that is what is best for you.

I think that for your marriage to recover you will have to move. Your WW will not willingly do anything to go NC with the OM. Your councilor will not make WW face the damage she has done and be responsible to clean up her mess.

"Our friend who was someone that my wife had dated briefly a very long time ago and his family would come over alot prior to my wife getting pregnate"

This is proof of why there must be NC. You should tell your WW this. WW kept an old BF in her life. Feelings rekindled, OM knocked her up. Are you going to wait for feelings to rekindle again and the OM knocks up your WW for the second time while she is married to you. It will be impossible to have NC with the OM parenting OC, other child, with your WW.

It has always be said that a man that lets a W keep an ex boyfriend as a friend while married is only increasing the odds of having his W have an affair.


Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
Tele,

Your W has had two deep relationships with OM. How many more does she want to have?

Yes you were foolish to focus on a game rather than your children and your W.

However, Your have is showing little respect for you if she insists that OM be in the baby's life while letting you work to support this child and her.

As for loving the child more or less. Let me offer you a thought. You have a choice concerning this child that you did not have with your other children. You don't have to rear this child, you don't have to support this child, you don't have to educate this child. If you choose to do so, I think the child will understand you had choices and you chose the child. That is a strong statement about your feelings and commitment to this child. In short, the child is special but in a positive way with regard to your relationship with it.

This is all very new to you, find a pro-marriage counselor. Read all of the articles on this site, and then I would recommend buying Surviving an Affair, by Harley.

Finally, I would strongly recommend that you listen to Pops. He knows his stuff.

God Bless,

JL

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 10
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 10
hmm ok still over whelmed here. Where to begin in response to the previous comment. I don't have any MC yet so this business of allowing the OM to have contact with the child is not coming from MC it is coming from discussions that I have had with my W. Ok let me say that I kinda feel like my hands are tied here. I don't have money for many of the options that people are talking about everyone says go get a lawyer, yeah that costs money that I don't have notice my note about trying to dig my way out of a foreclosure on my house. I can't make it financially separated from my wife and neither can she... OM is in worse shape that us also but anyway. Leaving is only going to draw attention from everyone else in both our families and more important than that my children I can't afford having them know and effect them. As for the MC I am talking with my W about it she doesn't think we have the money for it which we don't however my insurance at work will cover it and we have met our OOP limit so I am looking into this stuff now. My hope is that if we can go to an MC it will help me in this battle about NC. Just out of curiousity I would like to hear from the other side of the coin on this. Is there anyone out there that was in a similar position to my W and what is your take on all of this. Did your marriage survive? what did you all do?

My relationship with my W has strengthened a tad bit with us working together to stop this forecloser working together on something in our marriage is something I am not sure we ever really have done much sad to say.

Note to anyone else out there reading just now getting into a marriage don't learn this the hard way work together on everything from day one and don't get absorbed into your own things and your own world if you can't incorporate your spouse into that world its time to cut it out and find a new world that you can incorporate them into.

Thank you all for taking the time to add your thoughts to my situation. While I may not have the means to do everything you suggest it is all still very helpful. If for nothing else than to have someone else to listen since I can't very well talk to anyone I know about this right now.

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
Tele,

Call out to Autumn Day, and to Tigger. I think Tigger is moving right now. But, they have both been in your W's situation. There are a few others. Pops, and a few others have been in your situation. You can read their threads here, but call out to them in a post and put their names in the title. They might pick it up. Weekends are slow here so have some patience.

God Bless,

JL

PS: I think MarineMom is in your W's situation as well.

Last edited by Just Learning; 08/01/08 05:39 PM.
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884
Tel,

Well, I am a FWW who has an OC where the xom never knew of the pregnancy, let alone our sweet Abbi. She is now 7, and we are still going strong. In my opinion, you need to make a boundary of NC with the OM. Your WW is being a cake eater right now. She is enjoying still being M'd to you, but gets her fix of the OM through the contact. You CANNOT repair your M with the OM in the middle of it. This is one of the biggest reasons we chose to not even let the xom know when I was expecting. The other was the fact that he was scary! He threatened my H's life, and stalked us till he was forced out of the military and so forced to move back home to his mommy. Anyway, has life been a bed of roses, yes, thorns and all. It is NEVER easy to be married, and when you have adultery added into a M, it makes it that much more work. BUT, it is worth every effort. We just celebrated our 19th anniversary back in March and my H is getting ready to retire from the military after 20 years of service. As my signature line says, we've been together for nearly 23 years! It is worth it, but your WW needs to want it too.

You can go to a lawyer to see what they can do for you without a retainer and such. Do some research on your states laws in regard to your situation. If you don't want the OM involved, and your WW agrees(I know, she doesn't at this moment, but she needs to be willing to do what she can to save your M if that's what she truly wants) your state may have a law that unless YOU contest paternity, OM may not have a leg to stand on. In other words, if you claim this little girl as your own, the court will most likely stand by your wishes. Check out family law for your state. It was that way in the state we lived in at the time Abbi was born, and so we didn't have to do a single thing.

As for your WW's fog, well, I was not in a fog at the time of D-day. I didn't go through withdrawl, and other things I strongly feel your WW is/will be going through. Read up on everything you can find on this site. It was a Godsend for us back on D-day. We are now 8 years past that time, and still very much in love. If you have any specific questions, please feel free to ask. I am more than willing to answer them.

Good luck,


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 10
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 10
uh one other question kinda of off topic but I just noticed that every one of my posts has a big ole smiley face next to my name how to I change that because I for dang sure ain't smiling right now frown

nm I think I found it. And thanks Tigger for the reply. I guess I am trying to look for a way to approach the subject with her. I truely believe she wants us to work but she is hung up on this child not knowing its father. I believe this based on what I know about her own childhood. I know we both need counseling and I am sure we both need some individual counseling as well still trying to work on that one but I basically don't want to get into fights about it at this point it seem counter productive to me because then she just shuts down and doesn't want to talk anymore and I have actually been making some good progess in getting her to talk to me about things not just this. We have never really talked other than when we were dating of course but somewhere along the line we just kinda both became like confortable shoes to each other and never really talked about much of anything meaningful. I can so see the error in that line of thinking now. Having seemed to have made some progress I try not to push the subject too much but I do bring it up some.

Last edited by Telperien; 08/01/08 06:45 PM.
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Tell WW:

In a perfect world you get everything. You had an affair. You do not want to kill the OC or let OC be adopted. You want to keep the OC, and use the OC to keep the OM in our lives.

I would of preferred that the OM did not knock you up. I am willing to try and raise the OC as my own. I can not allow the OM to be involved in our lives any more.

We can agree on keeping the OC. But not the OM. This marriage can not survive with the OM. I will no longer share you with the OM.

Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 1,094
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 1,094
>>>>>>>So I do feel some of the blame here. No I didn't put a gun to her head and pull the trigger but I did load the gun so to speak<<<<<<<<<

this is b#!!cr$p. dude you are responsible for the 1/2 state of your marriage. your w is responsible for the other 1/2. BUT YOUR W IS TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR HER A. THAT WAS,IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE A CHOICE SHE MADE. NOT YOU.

now since the oc is so young the decisions that are made now will as to changes in your roles will not be remembered.

next great while your w is around you she refers to you as daddy. so what does she say when she is with her OTHER LITTLE FAMILY?

oooook let's take what your w wants since obviously she gets to call all the shots. she wants om to be involved . can you deal with that? if so and you want to have a solid M then YOU need to set the ground rules.

get the dna test done. you don't need om for tis since your w has admitted to him as the potential father. just you ,oc, and w will determine that you either are or are not 99% the father.

if you end up being the dad then case closed. your w has no more contact with oc, or your w. EVER cause he OUTOF THE PIPCTURE.

if you are not the dad then a new set of rules must apply expecially since your w will insist on om being a part of everyones life.

you find an attorney and and he is sued for CS. that is the least of his responsibilities as a father.

if he chooses to have a relationship with the oc (which mst all men do for varioous reasons once they have to pay cs) he will be granted visitation time with the oc by the courts.

there is NO MORE of this stuff where your w takes oc over to spend time with her and om. done, kaput, nada, no mas. period.

you, a neighbor, grandma, aunt, uncle, friend, brother, sister, or the drunk down the street handle all exchanges and interaction between om and oc until a time when you are 100% sure your w has NO feelings at all for om. no sympathy, no well he means good, no hey i have to tell him about her medicine, nothing.

OK maybe not the drunk.

the attitude between your w and om has to be strickly business like. and that doesn't mean monkey business. they already had that part.

YOU will need to be prepared for your w's moodiness when things don't go perfect. say if om cuts childs hair (may sound trivial but to a mom it is HUGGGE), i s10 minutes late returning oc, just doesn't show up and oc gets disappointed, up untill the age of about 5-6 oc may be crying and begging not to go which will break your w's heart. does he let her watch R rated movies, whatever his habits are around oc, who knows alcohol, drugs (even minor ones, what type of other women he will be having around the child, does he ALWAYS buckle her in her car seat. ALL upsetting issues for a mom


>>>>>>>>>>>>W doesn't seem to know how all that is going to be handled<<<<<<<<<<<

that is exactly why you have to help her and lay out where YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE going to be.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>One of my biggiest fears as far as the oc goes in this case is she will grow up and feel that my love for her is different than for my other children and that something is missing there. Yes I know in a way things have changed and the child I once thought was mine isn't really mine but I do still love her and don't want this to affect my love for her. So how are you dealing with all of that? Does the oc know? Do your kids know? My kids are 12, 4, 4, 4 and they don't know and I want to keep it that way.<<<<<<<<<<<<

teh answer to the 1st part of your question is i can't answer that. only you can. only you know where your heart truly lies and what kind of man you are.

for me,,,,,,,it's a no brainer. om pays cs and has visitation. fact is that grace just went for her 1st 2 weeks summer vacation ever and my house has a huge void in it. she is MINE (not biologocally but in every other way) and i love her the exact same as each of my other 7 kids.

nothing has changed except that now paternity is in question and until it is established without doubt you should be carrying on as if nothing mattered with that little girl.

you know i have 5 grandkids (soon to be 7). and although i don't have the finanacial responsibilities for them (well for some of them) i love them and want the same things for them as my own. they are mine also.

Ok so i'm a vey possesive person. sorryyyyyyy.

part duex,,,,,,,,, no matter what the out come of the dna test YOU have to realize that the A was between your w and om and THAT is where your anger, hurt, pain and all the other emotions should lie. the baby is just a result of that action and still needs to be loved.

section trey........yes oc knows. she has been having visitation with her bio since he had to start paying cs. oh what a coincidentence (sp).

yes my herd knows. it was quite the party when dad finally had his nuts cut off after mom and i had our 6th baby. the all knew i was incpable of making any more brotha's or sista's

and the coup de gras, numero quatro,,,,,,,,,,, your kids should not know at this time. not UNTIL DNA HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED FOR SURE THAT YOU ARE NOT THE BIO FATHER. then and only then do you tell them the truth.





Last edited by pops; 08/02/08 08:54 AM.

me-59 ww-55
married 1979 - together since 1974
6 kids together 15,19,21,23,29,30
my oldest son 37
d-day (confession day) memorial day 2001
oc born 12/20/01
now 8 grandchildren
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 1,383
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 1,383
Telperien--

I don't have a lot of time this morning, but wanted to at least chime in and ask-- Are you saying your W wants Sara to have contact with om, because he is her bio father, BUT that she doesn't ever want Sara to know he's her bio father?

I'll get back to you later when I have more time, but in the meantime... couldn't agree with Tigger more... slim to NO chance your M will survive contact with om! Especially if I did read correctly, and you're planning on the scenario in my first paragraph. No way in H-E-double-hockey-sticks-- not gonna work! Also, NO way it will remain a secret. It's hard enough to make a M work, with legal, no monkey business, out in the open contact,with CS,(such as w/ pops), but with a situation such as your W proposes... again NO WAY!

Will be back.........


Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 10
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 10
Well yeah that is pretty much the idea which I have questions from the beginning just exactly how she expects that is going to work out. To which she says she doesn't know. I have told her that what I see happening is that Sara will get confused and it will end up causing her emotional harm down the road. Ok I am going to have to change subject for a bit because I have to step back from this or my heads going to explode. Let me talk about something else that just happened. Aside from the NC thing other things have been going much better. We have been talking more about things that we have done to each other that hurt us and about fixing things we have been moving in a positive direction for once and she had started to be affectionate with me when before she never really was and always kind pushed me away (well I say she never really was actually she used to be very affectionate unfortunately I was the exact opposite and did the same thing to her that she was doing to me later on). So last night we were watching TV not really doing much just being together. I started kissing her and she was kissing me back nothing major just some little kissing and holding each other I started slowly trying to make it something more and got pushed back she stated she wasn't ready she has trust issues with me as well like I am not going to go back to the way I was previously which I understand but at the time to me it has been so long since I have been really intament that I really needed her so of course I got hurt and then I said some pretty hurtful nasty things to her and stormed out of the house. I came back a little later after I had cooled off (which for me doesn't take that long usually I am unable to stay angry for very long its always been that way with me) Of course we talked and I could tell she was hurt well I say we talked but we argued not really bad like we had in the past but it was a little argument still. I just feel like I just lost all the progress that we had made in the last couple of days. Like we just took 2 steps forward and then 3 steps back. I know you might be thinking how could I think about being that way with her so soon after finding out all this stuff but the truth is my need for her and desire for her at the moment was overriding any thought of what had happened I just knew that I dearly missed my wife's presents next to me and wanted to be with her and everything else in the world just kinda disappeared from thought at the moment. My question is for anyone out their that had an affair and those that were stepped out on that have made their marriage work how long did it take for both of you to want to be intament again and did one or the other of you ever feel ready very quickly while the other was not kind of thing?

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 10
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 10
Since the other side of this story has now been posted I feel I need to respond. It occurs to me that I have made this too easy for all involved. I was willing to accept OC as mine and I still am that hasn't changed. I was even willing (although not ideally and not at first) to allow OM to have contact with OC). I have thought about some how R'ing all of this with everyone involved including OM since we were supposedly friends (to my W if she is reading this I know you said that OM was never pretending to be my friend, regardless of this being true or not doesn't really matter at this point because that sure is not how it feels to me now). I do have a strong faith in God and his ability to work out any situation. So in a way I feel like anything is possible given TIME which is the key here. I can't say right now if I will be able to forgive OM. As a Christian I should forgive I know but I am in no way near ready to do that right now. I think I have been pretty reasonable thoughout this whole thing. I haven't flew off the handle and when and hunted him down like some guys would (doesn't mean that I am hurt any less than someone who would act irrationally). I have agreed to keep this secret and while I know my wife was trying to protect herself, I also know that it wasn't just herself she was protect she was protecting the kids. At the same time I think if she were really protective of the kids she wouldn't have done this to us in the first place, but it happened no point in hashing that out, other than allowing my thoughts to be heard and not keeping them supressed inside of me all the time because that isn't healthy either. I agreed to keep this secret for numerous reasons of my own, I am ashamed to let anyone know, I feel like a failure as a H as father to my kids. I don't want my kids to know and if they are going to know I don't want them to know until the are much much older and mature enought to handle it. This includes the OC. I am more than willing to work on my M including working on myself and the things I have done that have damaged my M. I have removed all computer games from my systems I haven't been playing any computer games. It has actually been a little more than a week now which for me is a feat in an of itself. I know I was obsessed with it. And this change of heart didn't happen because I found out it actually was starting to happen weeks before. I so wanted to quit. It was running me into the ground. My biggest problem was I had really nobody there. I felt like I had nothing else to do. No adult to talk to except for my friends in the game and the ones that I worked with. My wife would leave the house every day I came home from work and be gone until around midnight. I don't want my wife to feel like I am pressuring her now. As much as I want to be sexual with my wife I am afraid. I am afraid that when the time comes I won't be able to. Afraid that when it comes down to it I wont be able to get this picture out of my head. Afraid that I will then be hurting my wife. The thing is I am not asking for sex but if I just try to hold her I feel like I am getting pushed away like I am not wanted. Then I have to wonder in the back of my mind does she not want me anymore because she still wants OM. I know she says she loves me and wants to work on our M and I truely believe she does so I am not talking about that. If I kiss her I feel like she is being repulsed by me. I know she isn't ready for everything I don't think when it comes down to it that I am ready either but you have to start somewhere. I have backed off in the past day or so because I am tired of being hurt which I know is not intentional but is happening just the same. I am also tired of feeling like I am in this race alone that I have taken the first steps off of the starting line and I am moving forward trying to work on things and change things but feeling like my partner is still standing at the starting line. Yes we have admitted the problem, yes we have come clean, yes we are here and willing to work on it, however I feel like that is all just the starting line. At some point you have to cross it and start the race. I have asked that if I am going to accept the OM being in the OC life that with our situation if that requires my W to have any C with OM that I be present. This isn't some sort of punishment for my W or OM. I know my W is seeing this as me not believing her when she says it is over with OM. It isn't that at all. Its not knowing. Not knowing leads to questions which leads to other things. I don't want there to be any questions. I feel like my request to have ANY contact with OM only happen when I am around is more than reasonable. As for others and getting MC. We can't afford any of that. Unfortunately it isn't going to happen I am sure my W and I need MC and I am sure that we both need a C just for ourselves but I am not Donald Trump. People can say if you really want to work on your marriage you will do it. It isn't that simple folks we have 5 children now one has been diagnosed as autistic. There is no spare money. We don't go out and do anything really together or with the kids because we don't have the money to do it. If we do anything its something that doesn't cost anything to do other than maybe the gas to drive the kids to the park or something. Right now the only think we can do is allow God to be our C and MC. Which I honestly feel is the best MC you could have. To my W there is no plan I feel as if we are floundering around. Yes progress has been made but I still feel we lack direction we are moving generally in the right direction but without a map and compass to guide you, you cna simply travel North and expect that you are going to reach the place you are wanting to get to that is somewhere north. You have to know something more than we need to head north. Anyway I have been rambling long enough for now.

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
I believe I read your WW's post here.

She has been told and I tell you that there must be NC with the OM. Your WW is still deep in the fog and is trying to find ways to justify keeping the OM involved by using the OC.

A marriage can not have 3 adults. You must insist on NC with the OM for you, WW, COM, and OC.

Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
Completely agree with The Road. NC is imperative and NC is very hard when there is C with the OC. YOU be the dad, YOU raise the OC and leave OM out of the picture. IMHO that is the ONLY way your M will heal and your COM will be kept innocent of this.

As for the SF stuff, exactly what is your WW doing to help your M heal?


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 810
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 810
T -

Read and responded to your ww side.

Quote
I have asked that if I am going to accept the OM being in the OC life that with our situation if that requires my W to have any C with OM that I be present. This isn't some sort of punishment for my W or OM. I know my W is seeing this as me not believing her when she says it is over with OM. It isn't that at all. Its not knowing. Not knowing leads to questions which leads to other things. I don't want there to be any question

Will she not accept this offer ? I am thinking you are being too lenient. NC with OM for life is the bare minimum even if you have to be intermediary.

Is the OM married ? If so - his wife needs to be pulled into the picture.

Why would you believe her that the A is over? Cmon - she carried his baby and deceived the paternity - what is there to trust?

You need to get yourself some legal advice even a free initial meeting with father's right advocate to see where your jurisdiction laws.


Me:52
W: 52
Married: 32 yrs
2 Sons (29 & 23)
1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 10
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 10
I can appreciate the fact that everyone on here has something to be upset about. I also understand the whole NC business. However I also know that life doesn't always work with a cookie cutter solution. Just about everyone on here is screaming NC, get a lawyer, get a MC. You know all that stuff would be wonderful in a perfect world but we don't live in a perfect world do we. If we did there wouldn't be anyone here at these forums would there. I wouldn't even be able to get a lawyer even if I felt I needed one when I say I don't have money I am not joking or understating anything. Same goes for MC, would love to. I think that both me and my W would benifit from one on one C for things other than our marriage but that cost quite a bit a money that again we don't have. To answer your alls questions no my W has not disagreed to the terms that I mentioned so everyone please stop bashing her. I don't see how this kind of behavior toward someone that is on here seeking help, helps them in any way? Especially when you don't know the person and can't possibly know every bit of the situation. OM is not currently M. OM's X is a nut job and to be quite honest the last person on the planet that I want to hear about this is his X. I fear for what she would do to my family. So no this is not going to help anything by talking to her. Better for me and the safety of my family to say as far away from her as possible. I had hoped my wife would come here and actually get some help. I realize people have it in their minds that they are helping but going off on someone that already feels horrible for the huge mistake they they have made doesn't make them want to do anything but run and hide and sure as heck not seek help. I am not trying to single out anyone in particular I am not mad at anyone here I am just making an general observation from someone who can step back and see how some things might be seen by someone else. I do think this site has alot of helpful information I don't think that it is the end all be all of making your life and marriage right. It is merely a tool. The only thing I believe to be a 100% flawless guide for life and marriage is the Bible. I was going to tell my wife about this site when I first found it but honestly after seeing in general how people that are WS are burned at the stake here I desided not to. I still wanted to use some of the information and forms and exercises on this site with my wife on our own because I could see that they would be helpful but I knew if my wife started posting here and got a 2 x 4 to the skull that she would not care to listen to anything that this site has to offer. When people come here asking for someone to talk to about there issues especially when it comes to an Affair they are scared, confused, embarrassed, ashamed. This is for both sides. They certainly don't need to be meet at the door with a baseball bat and bashed into submission. I am sorry if I sound harsh I am not trying to be but one thing I learned in this whole situation is keeping stuff inside of you not expressing how you really feel is damaging to yourself and those around you that you love.
As for what is there to trust. I have thought about this long and hard yes I know my trust in her and our M is shattered, but if you refuse to ever start trusting how can you expect to ever build trust again. If you start to ride a bike for the first time and fall and break your leg. Of course you aren't going to trust you can ride that bike again but if you never get back on and try again then you will never ride a bike. I for one want to ride that bike bad enough that I will have to trust myself and the bike enough to get back on it and try again. I will be more aware this time and cautious but I still will have to let go or my trust issue and get on that bike again or what is the point in anything?

Last edited by Telperien; 08/14/08 03:38 PM.
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
Telep,

If your W is posting here, what is her posting name? I would like to speak with her if I could.

God Bless,

JL

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 10
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 10
you already have said something to her. If I recall. Also from the beating that she recieved from people here I find it hard to believe that she will be back. Might as well post what you are going to say here because while she may not post here anymore she might read my posts.. I don't know.

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 49 guests, and 65 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux, I.P., Alex82
71,727 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,545
Posts2,322,787
Members71,728
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5