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Joined: May 2000
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Mike C2 Offline OP
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Hi,

I never thought I'd be making this post.

My wife as been distant. Jiust when through her email and found love notes with a co-worker.

I'm sitting her shaking.

She is on her way home, probably/definitely from being with him.

I plan on sitting her down and confronting her.

I read the rules of confrontation.

any advice? Do this immediately?

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Mike,

I'm so sorry.

First, print out emails so you have hard copy.

Put away hard copies in safe place.

Drink water and breathe.

Calm yourself.

Yes, state that you just found out about her A as soon as she comes through the door. If you don't feel okay with your self-control, ask her to go for a walk outside to discuss.

Breathe more. Drink more water.

Listen and repeat...don't react. Give yourself time, ask your questions, even if you need to stop and write them down first.

LA

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Save hard copies of your evidence.
Then expose everyone. OMW, WW's parents, WW's siblings, Human Resources at work.

Tell WW she has to go NC and leave her job being OM is a co worker.

Joined: Dec 1969
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Hi Mike,

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I would suggest that you do nothing for now, if you can contain yourself. It's better to deal with this with a plan then to ad hoc it by reacting to your emotions. If you do need to expose/confront---I would suggest doing it only with your wife at first.

I'd be more comfortable giving you advice after hearing what's been going on for the last few years, where you're at, where you think you're wife's at, etc... And I'll close with the usual advice---it wouldn't hurt to get a session or two with one of the Harley's before you do anything.

Steve used to always tell me to not react during these situations. You need to stay calm, and not make any huge decisions. Act. Don't react.

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Yes I agree, if you can then hold off a bit with the confrontation, give yourself time to think this through.

You want to be calm and do this the way you want. You want to be proactive, not reactive.

You want to have evidence. You may want time to gather more evidence. You don't want to tip your hand too soon.

I am so sorry.


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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Mike,

I agree with the others. Get hard copy and then do as K suggested. You want to act, nor react. Actions take planning. Get the data, then look at it, and then make a plan to act on.

What has been your situation the last few years? That is important for us to know. Also, when you confront your W, what is her reaction. That will also be important to know.

Hang in there Mike.

God Bless,

JL

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What did the emails say?

If you confront her, be ready for denials unless you have pretty solid proof, like explicit sexual emails, etc. Waywards will do anything to avoid getting caught.

If you don't have proof before you confront, you risk driving the A further underground, I did this and it ended up taking me several months to really prove what I already knew.

Get ready to hear things like: "oh it was nothing, we were just joking around" "ya it went a little to far but NOTHING happened" etc. Then brace yourself for the "I love you but not in love with you" and the "I need space" type of babble. If she goes down that road, you can pretty much be sure that she is actively engaged in an A.

DO NOT give away how you know what you know. Perhaps the best thing to do would be to not reveal that you know anything (unless you really DO know) and start up a relationship talk and see what she says.

Liars will eventually trip themselves up. I don't want to give you the impression that I think you should ignore your evidence or your instincts, but I do think you should be careful not to show your cards to quickly as doing so can make the truth harder to get to.

Sorry you are here, read up on Plan A and everything on this site about infidelity. Commit yourself to following these plans, and realize that the most important thing you can do is ACT with a purpose according to these plans. This is a very traumatizing event and it will be very difficult at times to NOT lose your cool, but the more you can control yourself and act with your mind instead of react with your heart, the better off you will be.


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:::while waiting to hear back from Mike:::

{{{{{Tyk!}}}}}

LA

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Mike--

I can't top K's advice, but did want to stop by and say how very sorry I am to hear this. Will be thinking about you--

Kathi

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K, JL, et al,

Excellent advice.

However, I went with the "You f'in# wh$%^ get out of my house, and took the kids. She relented and left and the kids and I went back last night. Then she showed up this AM and wouldn't leave, so I packed and split. Maybe poor legal tactic, but I couldn't stay under the roof.

All three kids were cursing her out (14.14.17) She sat their dry eyed and said she was sorry.

Usual story I guess, she'd been distant, even though we were having sex twice a week. I noticed she would cut off the computer as soon as I entered the room. Put in a keyboard monitor.....almost puked, don't have to go beyond that.

It's a janitor at the school she works at. I talked to his wife and him....f&%*k...he's a nice guy :-(

However, he had lied to his wife to try and get back together, so I filled her in.

Anyway, confrontation with wife...I chased her down on the side of the road...had a spirited conversation...she denied...finally admitted. I called everyone in her life, pastor, sisters, cousins, mother.

Today we had a very unfortunate scene about "who are the kids coming with" brawl. All the kids wanted her out. She sat there like Buddha and wouldn't move. Finally I packed...Son came with me, but I told him to hang there at the house. I'm going to leave the state for awhile. Let her janitor BF keep up a 1.6 million home...

So, sorry for the program here, but I'm done, could never get the pictures out of my head, and besides a lot was said and she was pretty Icy. Alth I heard she melted down after I left...

So....legal advice? :-)


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Mike,

I'm so sorry you've joined the BH club, but it is refreshing to see a decisive BH who won't be a doormat for his WW.

Although you were advised to move slowly ... I think you did EXACTLY the right thing. You confronted both your WW and OM. You exposed to everyone of importance, including your children, and you have chosen to move on with your life.

You seem to have the wherewithall to hire the best bulldog of an attorney in your area, so no need to seek out legal advice from a Marriage Building forum ... talk to your attorney and take his/her advice to protect yourself, your children and your assets.

Good Luck and Stay Strong!!!

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Well....I didn't want to lawyer up and get nasty.

I just called a guy who is a lawyer/mediator. He is calling her right now before she lawyers up, so hopefully we can be amicable.


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No legal advice here, not my strong point. So, I take it your plan is to head to divorce? Not trying to second-guess you (IMHO, reconciliation is not for everyone, for some people divorce is the best path), just wanting to be clear.

This really sucks...esp. after the efforts you had put in on improving things. Again, I'm sorry that it has come to this...

Kathi


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I've just gone through this process but there are things in your favor that I don't share with you.

First, you're strong. I was a doormat. You did exactly what I wish I had done.

Next, you have older kids. Teen kids will get their own say in the matter and I can tell you, having been an older kid that went through this with his parents, that it doesn't matter how she paints her affair, it was still a betrayal of their father and a destruction of their family.

They will likely side with you for many years because it's tough as an older kid to go through this and not be angry at the other parent for a loooooong time. It took my dad and I years to mend our relationship because of his cheating.

File for divorce on ground of adultery. This does create "fault" in no fault states and you will come away in a much better position than if she files for bs reasons like "irreconcilable differences".

I'd throw in mental cruelty into the equation since adultery is emotional rape.

Save hard copies of your evidence.

Don't look to crucify her.

I know you're angry. Any chance of reconciliation and forgiveness?

I know that the mental images are very painful, but they do subside with time.

How old are you?

The kids will be angry, but deep inside they want you guys to make up.

I'm just offering food for thought. All kids of divorce dream of their parents making up. The older ones have the mental capacity to acknowledge it isn't possible, but you and her are the people they love most in this world, so it's a natural desire to want to see the two people they love most be together.

Just chew on these things. I know you're angry. But set that aside for a minute to hear the voices of those that have walked the path before you.

Not telling you not to D. Just weigh your options and think of them carefully before reacting.


D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Hey Mike,

I've pretty much given up on these forums (****edit****), but came back because an old (stubborn) friend is in crisis.

Act in haste. Repent in leisure.

So, in the last 24 hours, you've decided your marriage is over and you need a lawyer. Does this sound like a deliberate, well-considered decision, or does it sound like an emotional response to a bad situation? Are you acting or reacting?

Your initial response is hardly novel, nor is it damning for your marriage. It's not like I didn't expect it either (:-)), but I was hoping you might keep a lid on it so that you could take some time to evaluate what you want and work a strategy to get it.

My advice is still the same. You need to calm down in this maelstorm that you find yourself in. You need to truly evaluate whether you want this marriage to continue---and it should probably be based on how you've felt about it for the last five years, how it affects your kids and your extended family, and what benefits you and your wife get out of it. Don't evaluate it on the last 24 hours or since the affair has started. You need to evaluate your ability to forgive---you've shown some great strength in this area in the past, even with all your lovable bluster. And you need to get some good help to start forming a plan and executing on it. For the help, I would call one of the Harleys. If you need me to recite the number for appointments, I believe that I still have in memorized.

I'm truly sorry that you find yourself in this situation, old friend. My best advice that I can give you is to slow down, and try to look inside of yourself to see what you can do with this situation. You shouldn't worry yourself too much about what her current reactions are---because this stuff is all typical. We've read it a 1000 times before, and many of us have lived it as well.


Last edited by Dufresne; 08/07/08 05:54 PM. Reason: defamatory
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Hi Pom,

No chance of reconciliation.

I'm 46.

The kids hate her.

I got a lawyer/mediator, he just called her, she didn't mention mediation, just listened about going forward.


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Two thoughts. She's talking about going forward cos there doesn't seem like any other choice, given that the whole thing has blown up and out within a couple days. No time for anyone to think. Please give your separation some time before you head into court; I don't think it's good for your kids to be railroading this the way you are.

Second, about your kids. They are MAD at her, but they don't hate her. Please don't put your own onus on their shoulders. For their sakes. If you take the reactionary route here and stay on Defcon 4, they will feel they have to, also, to stay in your good graces. Please slow down and let them digest this, probably the biggest upheaval in their whole lives. Let them see you act with dignity and thoughtfulness, so that they can see from you that the high road is always the best path, no matter how badly you hurt.

Talk to them without anger in your voice, do not voice your own disgust with your WW to them; they need to determine how they feel on their own, without your or her guidance, 'k?

Right now, they're desparate to figure out how they are supposed to feel. Please slow down, give them some time to react and feel, and show them how a level-headed, respectful person handles adversity, so that they can mimick your actions in their own adulthood.

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Excellent advice. But I already went b@tsh!t, so that shot isn't on the table.

They hate her, or are mad at her or whatever, fine with me right now, as you can imagine.

I said a number of times to them when she was gone, don't worry, you'll be safe, we love you, etc.

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Originally Posted by Mike_C2
Excellent advice. But I already went b@tsh!t, so that shot isn't on the table.

They hate her, or are mad at her or whatever, fine with me right now, as you can imagine.

I said a number of times to them when she was gone, don't worry, you'll be safe, we love you, etc.

Question: Have you exposed the A to her superiors at the school? If not, I suggest that you don't, unless (1) the A still continues and (2) you want to continue your M.

Leaving the home probably wasn't a good idea. I suggest getting back there and fighting the battle from there. What you're doing now is not going to help you during the D proceedings, if things do proceed that far.

BTW - your reaction, while angry and over the top, might just be what's required to break that A-bubble your WW created around her.


ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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Wow, I thought I was reading my on d-day story for a second there. The biggest difference was that I didn’t find out by checking emails, I found out when I walked in on them in the act. But, my reaction was similar to yours.

All I can add to this is just slow down and don’t make any final decisions until you have a chance to cool off and think this out. You have done a great job so far by exposing this thing to anyone who would listen. I don’t know if you’ve exposed to their employer, but if you haven’t do that immediately. I called my WW’s and OM’s employer before I went home after finding them and they were both fired the next day. She was mad as h&ll but it caused reality to rain down on the 2 lovebirds like softball sized hail. Within a week, she went from icy cold to begging for a 2nd chance.

Again, I commend you on what you’ve done so far. I am convinced it is those BS’s that take action and send an immediate message that “I am not going to take your crap and you can hit the door if you don’t like it” that have the best chance at recovery. Also remember that recovery sometimes means a better marriage and sometimes it means getting yourself out of a toxic situation and improving yourself for the future. You may be surprised at how her attitude will change when the pressure of your exposure, the contact from your lawyer, and the anger of your children finally hit home with her. Give it a few weeks before you make any final decisions.

By the way, my kids(19/16/13) were furious with their mother and said they hated her for several weeks after d-day. But, what you will find out is that they don't really hate her, they hate what she did. When the dust settles, kids of all ages want their parents to work things out. That may or may not be possible, but you won't really know until the dust of exposure and reality starts to settle. Your WW is probably in shock at the moment and really doesn't know what to do. If the marriage has been good for a lot of years and this is a 1 time thing, then you may be surprised at how your feelings will change in time. It's usually best not to make lifechanging decisions when your emotions are all over the board. Be patient with yourself and make sure you make the best decision for YOUR future and that of your children.



BH(me)-44
WW - 43
DD20
DS17
DD13
d-day 4/18/08
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