For a legal stand point you have weakened your case by moving out of the house. WW can claim abandonment. Which puts her in a better position to keep the house, get primary custody, CS, and alimony.

Move back in.

It appears to me that you are getting some "canned" advice that really doesn't fit your situation.

Your children are nearly adults and can choose who they want to live with ... abandonment shouldn't be an issue in this case, so you haven't harmed yourself by distancing yourself from this train wreck.

Also, we hear here all the time that it is the BH's choice whether they WANT to recover the M or not, right up until the point when the BH actually chooses to exercise that option ... then everyone jumps in to say "slow down".

It's your life ... stick with your personal boundaries, whatever they may be.

I do have one question, since I wasn't around when you posted previously (I'm assuming years ago) ... what brought you to MB then? Is this a 2nd A by your WW?

Hey, Mike. Sorry this has happened.

I agree with K and Cat. Slow down. If you don't want things to get nasty, take some time to calm down before talking to a lawyer or even a mediator. Your wife isn't going to be the most ameniable negotiator right now. Nothing like two agitated, angry people coming to the negoitating table.

Second, you need to fix the situation with the kids. You lost control in front of them, but that doesn't mean you can't go forward in control. Don't talk badly about her. Don't say how much she hurt you. They know she hurt you, but when you say it, their conflicting loyalties surge to the top. When some more time has lapsed, try to see the humor in your dramatic response, which I sense may have been out of character for you. If you can, enjoy the irony of her having an affair with the janitor. It's kind of like my dad having an affair with his secretary. It's so cliche. The only thing more cliche would have been the milkman. Oh, I forgot, they don't have milkmen any more.


Don't leave the state without getting legal advice. Plus, your kids need you around now. The one can drive, I assume. So they can have access to you whenever they want. Stick around. If you leave the state, I do think the case that you "abandonned" the family will be strengthened. Also, check about the age where the kids get to choose with whom they live. In my state, at age 13, the kids can state a preference, and the court will take it into consideration.

I don't think anyone is telling MC2 not to get divorced if he wants to. We're just saying don't make any decisions when your body is pumped full of adrenolin.

When something traumatic like this happens, our bodies go into "Fight or Flight" mode. This is not the time when we think clearly or evaluate well. We react to an immediate threat as if it were a wooly mammoth bearing down. Only, that's not the situation. Just consider Mike's behavior in the last 48 hours or so. First, he went into full Fight mode. Then, he goes into Flight mode and thinks about leaving the state. Unless he lives in Rhode Island, that is running away. (Personally, I think running away has it's place, just not right now.)

Unfortunately, some people regret their decisions to divorce, throw their spouse out of the home, eviserate said spouse, telling everyone and the cow, make a powerpoint out of the emails, add music and post it on the internet for all to see, or make a YouTube video. But, then, it may be too late.

Believe what you wish, but since I've been around here the BH's who have successfully recovered, either their marriage or personally, took DEFINITIVE action IMMEDIATELY.

The ones who "took it slow" wound up in months of limbo he11, while their WW's continued to humiliate them by rubbing their face in their continuing A.

I have a feeling, but would like to know whether this is Mike's first time as a BH or is this a repeat performance by his WW, since apparently he was an active MB poster some years ago.

If this IS his second go round, then I trust his judgment to go straight to Plan D.

IMHO, if he goes SLOW now, after the initial blow-up, he will have lost his tactical advantage and will find himself MUCH worse off in the long run.

Interesting. I guess I side with Dr. Harley on this, and opt for not making any major decisions in the first week. But to each his own.

Mike, I am so sorry... but you know the drill: "Listen to K" is the best advice anyone on this forum has ever received.

****edit****

OMG Mike, this is the one post I never expected to see... I am so sorry...

You were there for me when I had my D-day 8 years ago, so if I can give you any moral support, let me know. I'll give you my e-mail if you need it.

Other than that, I am just speechless... This completely sucks.

AGG

I think the only thing we're suggesting he slow down on is the divorce proceedings: costly, emotional, deadly to the kids. You've already done all the important stuff - expose. You can always divorce her next month. Just let your kids have a chance to breathe before you cut their lives in half cos you're so mad, and make sure this is really what you want, after you've let the emotions wane.

You are free to give/follow whatever advice you chose, but given the status of K's "recovery", which is a product of his definition of "MarriageBuilders" ... I'll stick with my own experiences and instincts.

About which I doubt you have a clue.


Some folks on here still do try 2 offer Marriage Building advice. Maybe someday if I can find copious amounts of free time, I'll look their posts up and point them out 2 you.

Reacting the way you advocate here is definitely not MB. Why is that? Well, if you think about these si2ations for a minute, you'll recognize that both the WS and BS have 2 face their issues at some point, either 2gether with some kind of recovery plan, or on their own, while they try 2 put themselves back 2gether after what they've been through.

There's no workaround. You have 2 face it and work through it.

Plan FU is like hitting the hard reset button when a piece of software isn't behaving 2 your satisfaction, rather than trying 2 find out first whether the problem can be corrected without trashing what you're working on at the time.

People who've been married a long time know what I mean. Plan FU without trying 2 fix things is like hitting the reset button when you haven't backed up your data. You end up starting over again with the very real possibility of having the same problem crop up again because you didn't learn anything the last time.

As for a WS humiliating the BS? Seems 2 me you're saying that's one of the primary justifications for a speedy and decisive reaction.

But nobody can be humiliated without their allowing it, particularly when they know that their own well-being isn't determined by the selfish and s2pid actions of others. Selfish and s2pid people embarrass themselves - but it can take them a few years 2 realize it.

OT: Just heard a coworker went 2 the emergency room...

-ol' 2long

MR, have you heard something I haven't? Last I heard K was still happily married.

**EDIT**

Please email the mod directly if you have questions or comments about a specific action.

Thank you, Revera

**EDIT**

Please email the mod directly if you have questions or comments about a specific action.

Thank you, Revera



OT: my coworker is under observation. At least it wasn't a heart attack.

-ol' 2long

****edit****

Perhaps Mike would be more appreciative of advice than commentary on moderator edits.

Mike,

Ok! Here is my advice. Listen to K and others to slow down. Let me offer you the reasons why.

1. I think it is clear to the meagerest of minds, that your W KNOWS you are more than a little angry. Yes, even your W's mind right now.

2. I think it is clear that most of us have a clue how much work you put into the marriage.

3. You may change your mind as things cool down.

4. However, you may not.


Now look carefully at 3 & 4. Rushing can screw up #3. Rushing can screw up #4.

It is your call whether this marriage has a chance or not. But, if I were going for door #4, I would want it to be EXACTLY how I wanted it. The settlement, the dealing with the kids, support, everything I would fight tooth and nail to have it MY way. I am not saying ruin her. I am saying have it MY way.

You see I don't fight to "win", I fight to completely end the problem. To do this, you must be clear headed, you must evaluate, you must decide on what you want in your way, and you must decide PRECISELY how and when things are going to happen.

You are too emotional to do a good job of this. Calm down, think, let things settle out, and THEN ACT.

Leaving the state is bad. It is bad for your kids who now more than ever need your support. YOu may think they are old enough to handle things, but even teenagers know enough to be afraid of the unknown, and by leaving you are throwing them into the deepend of a very very deep emotional pool. Don't leave, move close by if you must. But, those kids of yours need you now more than they have ever needed their Dad.

You don't have to worry about your W knowing she messed up big time. I think she has that figured out if nothing else. You don't have to worry about her misreading your feelings on the matter, I think she has that figured out as well, or at least as well as you do.

What YOU have to do, is take care of those kids, right NOW! Get your A$$ back in the game and help them.

Am I making myself clear???

God Bless You and your family,

JL

Update

First off all, what the h3ll happened to this place? I don't need to log on here to find 2 pages of intramural flames.

That aside, thanks to everybode who gave advice and sympathy, especially my old friends K, JL, Kam and AGG.

I'm at my sister's in another state. I was suppsed to comedown here anyway this wee, so whether that constitues abandonment or whatever.....ah, I don't give a fudge. I can't be around her.

My 17 year old son, god bless him, took the opportunity screw with Mommy by having a blow out party last night at our bonfire pit, 40 kids, underage drinking, four cop cars....in the middle of it some guy rolls his car on the raod in front (unrelated). He keeps calling me with laughing updates. Very uncharateristic, he is the perfect child, but I have to love him for acting out.

And I think the family got a taste of life without Daddy 6 hours after I was gone. I called my wife in the middle of it to say WTF and we has something of a civil exchange.

I'll check back in and finish

First, you do have my sympathy for your wife's infidelity. That out of the way, there is so much wrong with the attitude that I am picking up from your last post that I hardly know where to begin.

First: "laughing updates"??? There was nothing funny about what your son did. This was his very bad choice, and the consequences could have been much, much worse. Actually, you might not have seen the last of the consequences. And why are you linking his actions to your wife's infidelity? Did you not raise him as well? I see you letting yourself off the hook, big time.

I understand children very well. Right now, your son is exploiting the situation between you and your wife. It sounds like you are giving him permission to do so. If you allow the family dynamic to become you and your kids against your wife, I predict more of this "acting out". And you won't find it so lovable.

PK

Okay....so....I woke up this AM....thinking...something bad happened? What was it? Did someone die? Then I remembered....

I'm in the fantasy right now that I'm going to go home and she is going to crawl across the floor and we are going to be on our honeymoon again. I do have to go home I guess, now that I think abouyt it, before some sort of life without Daddy routine gets normalized.

Her sister called me and gave the opinion that we should stay together and move out of state, which is actually doable and would probably "work"

I could be open to reconciliation, but I can not be open to a year of watching her be lovesick and cold to me. To make the outreach and be rejected would almost be D-2....

Help me out....that is what it would be, right?

PS: backstory. No affairs, I came here...Jesus....1999? just to work on the marriage because she was sort of cold. I guess she has been withdrawn for a long time.

(sigh).....