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I am so sorry to hear about your situation. A thought occurred to me.

Is it possible the OW really only wanted "free sperm donation" and then back to the lesbian lover so they can have the baby together?

Sick, I know, but possible. It doesn't excuse either of them. But it might be possible that she won't want your H to be part of OC's life or anything more than her increased disability payment. Boy, do I love to pay for OC's out of my taxes.

You should look at the house. Great medicine for you, one way or the other. I thought about moving to my own house many times when I found out all the junk my H had done and the OC.

Protect yourself emotionally and financially (sounds like that won't be a problem). Your H has a long way to go to earn your trust and even your desire to stay in the marriage. Recovery is long and hard work. It requires determination and committment from BOTH parties. But it can be done.

We are 4 1-2 years post D-day with OC. Things are going great, but I will never be the same. Our relationship is better than before the A, but I still think about the A in some way everyday. It just doesn't hurt like it did before.

My H has spent enourmous energy to do his part to repair the marriage. But he didn't get with the program, really, until about 9 months after d-day........when he finally stopped all contact, for any reason, with OW. Everything was done legally, and we are NC. That is the best thing for our family and our marriage. Others feel differently and contact can be done. You can love OC, but it is always rough and drama filled with OW.

Watch for the inconsistencies in your H's actions. I wouldn't expect that he will be able to go cold turkey with OW, even though he may tell you he is NC with her. They are still wayward thinkers for a long time after they were wayward.

There is alot of support here. I didn't find MB or any other site until about 6 months into the crisis. What a help it would have been to have the input of those who had gone before me into the nightmare.



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Yes LBelle, I did think that she may have used him to get pregnant only to go back to her old lifestyle. I think I even mentioned it in an earlier post.

How did you get your H to go NC? Was it his idea, or did you give him an ultimatium? My H would not turn his back on his own child, I guess in some way that shows he has a little bit of good character. Not that that's going to do me any good!

I really don't have a problem with him seeing his own daughter, but I want as minimal contact with OW. I told him he could bring the baby here, she's the innocent one in all of this. I'm sure at first she wouldn't like the idea of him bringing her home.

So LIE to her.........he can say he's going to visit his cousin or someone else. He had no problem lying to me all this time!

Then bring me into the picture, When he goes to pick the baby up, I want to be in the car waiting. Then I would have a little bit of control of their relationship.

I told him That IF (and that's a big IF) we stay together, there's going to come a point in time, sooner, I think than later, That I will have to have contact with the OW. FOr the sake of the baby. I can't even believe what I'm writing.......this is so sickening to me. And the fact that I'm even thinking about letting this child into my home, proves just how distraught and unclear my thinking is!

H keeps callling me from work, like nothing is going on. I don't even want to pick up the phone! And yes, there have been times that I have chosen not to pick up and talk to him. He then just calls my daughter's cell phone (she'll be 16 in a few weeks)and asks her what I'm doing. I was physically sick when he called, and asked my daughter "what I was doing" SHe said "She's puking her guts out, what do you think she's doing?" SHe is very mature and on my side about all of this. I haven't asked her to choose sides, but she's old enough to know right from wrong, and to make her own decision. Sorry for the long rant...........it does help me to get it out. I appreciate everyone's support.


Me: BS-37
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really don't have a problem with him seeing his own daughter, but I want as minimal contact with OW. I told him he could bring the baby here, she's the innocent one in all of this. I'm sure at first she wouldn't like the idea of him bringing her home.

So LIE to her.........he can say he's going to visit his cousin or someone else. He had no problem lying to me all this time!

Then bring me into the picture, When he goes to pick the baby up, I want to be in the car waiting. Then I would have a little bit of control of their relationship.

I told him That IF (and that's a big IF) we stay together, there's going to come a point in time, sooner, I think than later, That I will have to have contact with the OW. FOr the sake of the baby. I can't even believe what I'm writing.......this is so sickening to me. And the fact that I'm even thinking about letting this child into my home, proves just how distraught and unclear my thinking is!
look THIS is what we are all saying to you. IF your H wants C with the OC then he needs to do it legally. He needs to request DNA and get legal visitation and CS set up. OW will have zero say so in where he takes the child and who the child will be around IF it is done legally. Too many of our H's have thought OW would be "reasonable" and they have made themselves the puppet to the OW/puppetmaster by allowing her to dictate who/what/where/when/if visitation will take place. IF your H is the legal father (DNA DNA DNA) then he has RIGHTS. OW can throw fits, she can drag him to court over and over again however the fact remains he has rights.

If you decide to remain married to him, it also protects you and your COM's inheritance rights to get this done legally. He also needs to ensure via a will how much if anything OC will inherit.

We agree this is his deal and he created it. We are trying to help you protect yourself and your COM.


Faith

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I understand what you all are saying about protecting myself and my kids. But, please keep in mind, I have only known about this for 4 days. A million things are rushing through ny mind at once.

I will do what I can to protect myself and kids. H works out of town during the week, and is only home on weekends (no, OW is in a nearby town from me)Him being gone gives me a little more time to figure out what I want to do.

I just have one question............How did you all get your H to have NC with OW and OC?


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I'm sure at first she wouldn't like the idea of him bringing her home.

So LIE to her.........he can say he's going to visit his cousin or someone else. He had no problem lying to me all this time!

You are not sure you want the marriage - I understand.

Here is what can help you decide >>> your H does the required actions to EARN his place at the head of the table.

He gets a court ordered DNA test. You both need proof this is his child if you even consider contact with the child or child support. If you do NOT seek DNA proof - the reason should be no contact - EVER. You should not expose your own children to OC and present this baby to them as their sibling - without PROOF.

Why tell your children Daddy made another baby without proof?

It is entirely possible it's NOT your husband's DNA. Looking like your H is not enough proof. If this OW was trying to get some free sperm she could have "done it" with several men.

H and you decide if seeing OC is worth the hassle.
If you and H decide together and can both be enthusiastic about the decision you get COURT ORDERED visitation - that way OW's desires the baby not be seen by you as well means zilch!

Do NOT hand over the power to decide who can hold this baby where OW and OW alone has a vote- if it is actually proven to be your husband's child then he has the right to have the child in YOUR home (if it turns out to be your eventual choice).

Your H , once determined LEGALLY to be the bio dad, can exert his rights to parent this child - and OW will have no say where he parents the baby( in your home with you and your own children)

Even if you decide to divorce your H - try to force a legal DNA proof if your children are going to be exposed to OC.

It's so important - you cannot imagine the dirty tricks that can be played on you without this protection.

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Originally Posted by hurtmomof2
I have only known about this for 4 days. A million things are rushing through ny mind at once.

YES!
Understandable


You are trying to decide "what to do" without first having the facts about the situation

and right now - we do not trust your WH or the OW to supply you with the facts

Get the facts in hand BEFORE deciding "what to do"

Any decision you make before you know the facts is moot

You are filling your head with questions such as: "Should I allow my children to meet OC?"

You cannot make this decision without the facts .... this is MOOT until you have the facts

Get it?

Facts are not emotional - you are emotional
hug


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Just to make a small corection........I never said that the baby looked like H. Just thought he looked a little like my son. Can't really tell who they look like at that age.

I do honestly believe that it is his child. They had a full blown affair, which included vacations, eating out, gambling at the casino. He even took my daughter to Toronto for a weekend, and when she got in the car (MY CAR) by the way. He told her OW was coming along. I'm not sure what he said to my daughter, but she never told that OW went on the trip. I just found out about the Toronto trip a few months back.

I'm not a stupid woman by any means, but he does travel with his job, so it was very easy to cover his tracks and say he was on a business trip.

The Toronto trip infuriates me to no end. I finally put all the pieces together. He wouldn't go to counseling, so he moved out for 6 months, and I did have him served with divorce papers.

He swore up and down to me and my kids that he was not seeing her anymore. Which, obviously he was.

When he came back home, I called OW and told her to stay away from my family, or I was going to sue her for "Alienation of Affection" I guess her mother works in a law office, and told her that I could do that if I wanted. She got scared. Only thing I accomplished with that was a short term break-up.

My H is a big fat liar and I can't believe anything he says. I wish he would stop calling me. I told him I need time to think.

He does he wants anyways. Apparently the rules of society don't apply to him. THere are other things he has done (not illegal) but things like speeding tickets all the time, tickets for not wearing his seatbelt........I could go on and on..........it's not even worth my breath! He just called a little while ago while I was on the phone with my mother, I clicked over and I said I have to call you back. Why? he says. I said because I don't feel good! I have Lupus and this has caused a major flare-up. I have no intention on calling him back. What Facts do I need to know? He cheated, that's a fact, he's a liar, that's a fact. Only fact I don't know for sure is whether he's the father or not. By putting me through all this, what difference does it make if he's teh father or not? Damage is already done. Obviously if he's not the father, it would make things a lot easier financially. I do think it's his, and even if it's not, doesn't chsnge all the hurt he has caused my family.

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wow. I think you need to get a plan together. First, like everyone says, you need to protect your family financially.

Then you need to decide if you want contact with the OC or not. If you decide to have contact, then it needs to be on your terms. You need to determine the schedule of contact, the terms, etc. Contact should be arranged by you, not hubby and OW.


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Easier said than done. I do appreciate all your advice, and I do know that I have to make a stand for myself.

I don't know what your experiences with your H's were like, but my H is not someone I can boss around like some 5 year old child.

I did have her phone number, but after I called her she had it changed. I don't know her number or where she lives.

My H is not going to give me that information, so how am I going to be the one who's calling all the shots about visitation?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not some doormat that he can walk all over.

I'm tryong to look at the big picture here. Let's say the situation was reversed and I had the baby.........Would I want the father's wife to be telling me how it was going to be? I probably wouldn't want my baby around her at all.

There's nothing I can make my H do or not do. If he chooses to be uncooperative, all I can do is make my stand and leave the marriage. If he can't be reasonable and see my point, then I don't think I have much of a choice, except to leave him and take my kids with me.


Me: BS-37
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I totally understand where you are coming from about your H. My H sounds much like him and an attorney on top of that. Conflict is his business. He does get what he wants.

I couldn't MAKE him go NC. I couldn't make him even give me the last name of the OW. He wouldn't tell me the location of the secret apartment he had where he and OW would hole up while he was supposedly "working late or traveling for hearings". I didn't even know what state OW lived in for about 2 months. I never did get the phone number and I never talked with the OW. (Based on countless other experiences, they lie anyway and say things to hurt you. It is not very helpful to talk to them.)

But I got all I wanted (and more)later when he stopped thinking like a cheating, lying man and started thinking like a man who had grievous injury to repair and felt remorse for his actions.

All of this stuff has to come from your H. I know you can't make him do anything. HE has made his choices. YOU now get to make yours. You do not have to stay in the marriage. You can go. You do not have to worry about contact or no contact with OW or OC. You do not have to stay married to the man who has ripped your soul apart.

But you can stay. It can work. It will be hard.

Don't decide now. There is no reason to rush. That is the main reason to get yourself protected from further harm (financially, emotionally, etc.), so you can take some time and see what you really want.

No one knows what to do at the stage you are in. The wracking pain is all consuming, even if you don't have lupus on top of it. Getting control of the pain is a full time job right now. That is expected.

All I wanted for the 1st year was a road map that would tell me which way to go and where it would lead. I had no idea what I was doing. I was so low and squashed with grief and pain I was practically underground. PTSD for sure, initially.

That is what people are giving you info about. The road map. You don't have to get on the road yet, but see what the map looks like.

Contact is only an issue if you and your H are going to stay married. You have to make your choice and he will have to make his. It can't be forced either way. All people in the equation have to be considered, not just OC. All the situations have different factors. Some situations require NC. Contact can be handled in others. CS should be planned on.

You and your H will have to be united on the C/NC issue, should you stay married. Without agreement, turmoil is the outcome.


You have time. You don't have to decide anything today. Get well. Get stable. I know that alone it a tall order.

You can always get divorced. You can take your time to see if your marriage can be saved. If you want it to be.


Last edited by LBelle; 08/20/08 12:26 AM.

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Thank you so much for your reply and encourgement. You really hit the nail on the head about everthing I was feeling. You pretty much described every emotion I was feeling.

You also seem to understand that I (like you)can't control what my H does.Nor can he decide what I'm going to do. You're right I don't have to make my decision today, or tomorrow.

I have mixed feeling about staying in the marriage. I guess I still love him, there is no on/off switch when it comes to feelings. Yes he did something horrible..........but the day before I found out, I loved him, when I found out the next day, of course I was devastated, but I can't turn my feelings on and off and say I no longer love him. I am upset, angry, humiliated. embarassed. the list goes on. He just called a few minutes ago, He asked "do you want me to leave you alone?" I said YES. I think that shocked him a bit. He is going to see with his own eyes that I'm a lot stronger than he thinksI'm capable of. Whatever he anticipated my reaction to be, I am going to do the complete opposite.


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I have mixed feeling about staying in the marriage

every BS does have and should have mixed feelings about staying with a former cheater

it's an ambiguous position at best

love does not go away right after D day

respect and trust fly out the window almost immediately

recovery of both respect and trust takes time (counted in years - 2 to 3 years is average)

you can still love a person and make a rational heart-breaking decision that they are too dangerous to remain married to

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1st let me say that you are showing to be a strong woman who is discovering how independent she can be.

imho one thing that most bs's learn through their ws's actions is just how dependent and vulnerable we had allowed ourselves to become. maybe not intentionally.

next with all the emotions that are streaming thru your mind you seem to be making very rational decisions and plans for you and your childrens future if they are needed.

you should not have to "force" your h to do anything. he should be doing things because "he" wants to repair he damage he has done to the marriage.

you said he is in a state of not knowing what to do. BULLPUCKY.
he knows exactly what to do but is using stupidity as his excuse

no man gets to be "very" successful in this world without having some (doesn't have to be much) common sense and "legal" advice. if your h is saying ha has no idea how to break contact with ow for any reason it is because he still has emotional ties to her.

sooo, what needs to happen. YOU NEED to set down your boundaries. whatever they are. YOU NEED to determine what YOU feel YOU can live with.

once you figure out if YOU can tolerate, be it C or NC then give those boundaries to your h and it is his job to decide whether he can live within them.

the ladies here have given you excellent advice and i will second the "get it done legally w/ dna being the 1st step" advice. you can never tell by physical appearances. trust me on that one. with the diversity in my family you would never guess me to be the grandpa to some of the kids in our little melting pot.

oh one more thing. you said if the sit was reversed you would not want fathers w around your child. this is point on but who the _______ cares? (insert your own adjective). ow choose to have a child from a mm and by doing that she also gave up 1/2 her time with her own child to him and his family if they decide to inforce their rights to visitation thru the courts


me-59 ww-55
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6 kids together 15,19,21,23,29,30
my oldest son 37
d-day (confession day) memorial day 2001
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you said he is in a state of not knowing what to do. BULLPUCKY.
he knows exactly what to do but is using stupidity as his excuse
hurray




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It is not morally correct to deny a child that has nothing to do with the lies of man who cheated on his wife.

HurtMomof2... I am sorry for what you are going through. As some of the other posters have stated, you do not have to make a decision today. However, If you choose to forgive your husband and stay in your marriage, you have to forgive and love his child just the same...because it is now a part of him and your marriage. To deny this child means your marriage would still be a lie.

As others have said, get the facts and set up visitation dates... you can also have your husband agree that he is not allowed to pick op the oc without your presense.

God Bless you with your situation and remember joy and peace will come evenually.

Last edited by girly7329; 08/23/08 06:28 PM.
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Pep,
Thank you for all your advice, you are quite knowledgeable.

I just have one question, and please don't take offense to it, I really am curious.............You have been registered since 2000, and say you are 12 years into a successfull recovery, and are happy in your marriage (good for you) Why are you on this board after so many years later?

I don't want you to think I.m being bitchy, I'm obviously new to this forum, and new to my situation. The only reason I ask is because I'm wondering is this going to take years to recover from?


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Originally Posted by girly7329
It is not morally correct to deny a child that has nothing to do with the lies of man who cheated on his wife.

HurtMomof2... I am sorry for what you are going through. As some of the other posters have stated, you do not have to make a decision today. However, If you choose to forgive your husband and stay in your marriage, you have to forgive and love his child just the same...because it is now a part of him and your marriage. To deny this child means your marriage would still be a lie.

As others have said, get the facts and set up visitation dates... you can also have your husband agree that he is not allowed to pick op the oc without your presense.

God Bless you with your situation and remember joy and peace will come evenually.

Girly,

Everyone has a different opinion about C and N/C. It sounded like you were trying not to be judgemental, but you did judge anyone who is NC as being amoral people who's recovered marriage is a lie.

Is that what you meant to say?

Have your felt the full ramifications of your H having an affair with an OC? It is an extremely difficult situation, especially if one or more of the affairees have children. Everyone's good must be considered when decisions are made, including BW and COM. Their happiness must be included or the marriage will fail.....whatever those decisions are.

There will be NO denying that this child lives and is her H's child. They will likely be paying CS and more for 18 years or more, even if they are NC. But that doesn't mean the child must be part of their family life for them to be "moral" people.

In a situation like this, there is no one who get off pain free. No one. There is plenty of hurt and pain to go around. There is no "good" answer that makes anyone happy. The damage was done by OW and MM and everyone pays the consequences.

I do believe that just about every single woman and man know how to NOT get pregnant. Extra precautions. Extra protection. The stakes are very high with a MM/MW. I know accidents happen, that's why you take extra care. Married couples do it. It is possible. But when an OC is a result, someone didn't care enough to take those precautions, lied about what they were doing or tried on purpose to get pregnant.

That is why there is no pain free answer. And I really don't think you can say someone is moral free if they choose to not integrate the OC into their lives, especially when they will be bringing OW and all that drama with them. When they can come without OW, that may be different. It is not a crime to have NC.

They will have to make their own decisions on what they are able to live with. Both H and BW. And go from their. It is excruciating to have to make a decision like this when already dealing with the crushing pain of the betrayal.

But to be pushed into contact, threatened with divorce/leaving COM if you don't accept my affair child, or resenting the child when you look at them everytime, spells disaster for the marriage. These are all common scenarios. They happen to BW's all the time.

At the time of the decisions, most BW don't know what kind of trouble the OW usually brings with them for the marriage. They don't want it to survive and try their best to damage it further or get in between the H and BW. Common. Court battles over visitation. Common. Denied visitation after court lays out schedule. Common. More money, more pain and more disruption to original family. Common.

Everyone BW has to be free to make her choice. And that can change over time. 2-5 years to heal from an affair....then tack on the OC. It takes a long time. She should not be judged for not wanting the woman who wanted to break up her marriage and her child, to be in their lives daily.

I am mostly writing this for hurtmom,not against Girly, so you can see that C and NC have to be chosen with facts and realistic expectations.
There are many women who try to make it work for the good of OC. A few succeed. Others have to steel themselves against OW antics because they fall in love with OC and are willing to continue. They are saints and lovely women who deserve respect.

But chosing NC doesn't make you evil. The BW wasn't asked if she thought it was a good idea for H to @## OW in an A, or if she thought it was a good idea to bring a child into the world like this. She has the right not to want that in her life, with or without her H. She didn't make this mess, only has to accept the consequences.


I am sure this sounds like a rant. I guess it is a little. We are NC and it caused me great pain and anxiety to get to this decision on my part. My H chose for himself. He realized OW was not giving up in anyway and wanted to hurt me and our marriage, thinking he would run to her at that point. Maybe one day we will change our minds. When OC is older. I could handle it now, but it has been over 4 years.

Take care, Hurt. People who have gone before you into this disaster feel your pain and want the best for you. The hard part is deciding for yourself what that is. Take your time. And you can take your time!


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Originally Posted by hurtmomof2
You have been registered since 2000, and say you are 12 years into a successfull recovery, and are happy in your marriage (good for you) Why are you on this board after so many years later? The only reason I ask is because I'm wondering is this going to take years to recover from?
The general timeline given is that it takes two years to successfully recover from infidelity.

I would assume the reason Pep is here 12 years into a successful recovery is to give advice to those who need it and show them that recovery is possible.


BH (Me): 33, XWW: 33
Married 1999, No kids
EA: 11/04?-10/07, PA: 05/07
D-Day: 06/07
Divorced: 04/09
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Yes, that.

Also, you'll find if you keep posting here, that people form friendships here and give each other support in all areas of our life. For some of us, this has become (IMHO - at least for me - I can't speak for everyone) this has become my online family and support group.

I'm not dealing with infidelity, but I came here initially to work on improving my marriage... and I stayed here to work on improving myself... and I come hear almost every day to see how my friends are doing.


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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Originally Posted by hurtmomof2
Pep,
Thank you for all your advice, you are quite knowledgeable.

I just have one question, and please don't take offense to it, I really am curious.............You have been registered since 2000, and say you are 12 years into a successfull recovery, and are happy in your marriage (good for you) Why are you on this board after so many years later?

I don't want you to think I.m being bitchy, I'm obviously new to this forum, and new to my situation. The only reason I ask is because I'm wondering is this going to take years to recover from?

Pop's has been here since 2001 - why didn't you ask him the same question? wink

I have learned how to be a better wife posting here. I've learned how to fully deconstruct what happened to our marriage posting here.

I have friends who I first 'met' on these boards that I sometimes see in person (just 2 weekends ago I went to lunch and a museum with one of these MB friends - and the next day I met a different MB woman friend for breakfast - in 2005 I traveled to Mississippi meet 2 other MB women and participate in the Sweet Potato Queen parade) So - some of it is just fun for me

I post here to be of service.
You're welcome hug

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