Hello, I am very sad to be on this board, but I don't know where to turn. I will try to make ths as brief as possible. Last year my husnand of 17+ years had an affair with a bisexual woman.

I asked him to leave the house and I served him with divorce papers. Shortly after, he became ill with a thyroid tumor and told me and his mother that it was most likely 90% malignant.

Ends up that he lied, it was just a goiter, I spoke with the dr. myself. He assured me that he was not seeing her anymore, and told my children 8 and 15, the same thing.

Yesterday I found out that he has a 2 month old baby girl with this woman! We had a death in the family, and my in-laws were in town from Florida, I don't get along with his mother. So my husband took the kids and met with them to see each other and go shopping etc.Apparently at the food court in the mall, he showed hus parents and BOTH of my kids pictures of the baby on his cell phone, then swore the children to secrecy. This is sick, demented behavior!

I have been doing nothing but crying and vomiting since yesterday morning, to add to that I have Lupus, which of course all the stress has given me a "flare up"

He has been working out of town, but is being transferredback home in a few weeks. He says he does not want a divorce, he wants to work things out,go to counseling. But, he wants a relationship with this child. I don't know if I am strong enough to handle this. I feel like killing myself the pain is so great!

I will not, I have my own kids to think about. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I don't know how to handle this. Now, I don't even have the money anymore for an attorney.

I am humiliated,hurt and I can't believe one word that will be coming out of his mouth. He has lied so much, I can trust nothing. He is coming home today so we can "Talk" Please...........if this has happened to anyone on this board. how did you handle it, what did you do. I need help desperately.
Thank You.

You need to take care of yourself first as you are in a state of depression that needs to be addressed immediately. Please, go see a Dr or someone who can help you with your depression as soon as possible.

I'm no expert on dealing with affairs and really don't want to give you bad advice, but with all you're going through, I do not think you need to talk with him today. I seriously doubt he will do anything but try to manipulate you into getting his cake and eating it too, while you continue to suffer, and I imagine you aren't up to setting proper boundaries right now.

I would ask him not to come, to stay in a hotel, stay with a friend, etc, instead of visiting you. You do not owe him this talk right now.

He's a cake eater. He wants both worlds. What about HIS kids with YOU? He's just incredibly selfish. YOU do what's best for you and your sanity. He's still seeing this woman and now there's a baby. I seriously doubt he would co NC.
Hang in there,honey.

Thank you for your replies. I don't need to go see a Dr. because I'm already on medication for depression and anxiety. I have never had to deal with anything so horrible as this in my entire life.

You are right, I don't nttd to have this conversation with him today. Obviously this has been going on for a while, a few more days isn't going to matter at this point.

He works out of town, and comes home on the weekend. It was my son's birthday this week, and his big party with his friends at an amusement park is tomorrow. So asking him to leave isn't an option this weekend. My son should not have to suffer because of what his father did.

This is one huge giant mess he's put his whole family in. I hate him, and I know I shouldn't be saying this, but I wish he were dead.

Hon, you are entitled to say you hate him. He betrayed you hugely and then continued to lie about his R with this OW. Telling your COM to keep a secret this size from you is very telling of his mindset. He is very, very wayward in his thinking still. Does OW live where he is working at the moment? Do you WANT the M anymore? Take your time before making any life altering decisions. Knowing your H wants C with OC is something you have to decide you can or cannot cope with. No one will critisize you if you can't. It is OK to not want C with OC.

Keep posting.

Please read my friend Kimmy's story for an example of a BW that has over come the betrayal of two OC.

Kimmy's story

Thanks faithful. I'm not sure what I can cope with yet. H does not want me to leave the marriage. When he came home last night. he took my face in his hands, said my name, and said how sorry he was, and could I ever forgive him. He said on a scale of 1-10, this is prabably the worst thing that he could ever do to me.

I told him I need space and some time. He took our son to a concert as part of his birthday present. I didn't want to get into it with him last night.

I left him a note to please sleep in the guest room or the couch.
that there was no way that I wanted him in our bed. Not this soon. He's had 11 months to deal with this, it's been less than 48 hours for me.

I told him that we will talk when I am ready, not when it's convenient for him. I have a lot to think about and decide what's best for me and my children. Thanks for letting me vent, it does hrlp. Knowing I'm not the only one who's in this situation.

I advise you to do this yourself (if you know how) or ask a friend who knows how --- YOU need a forensic investigation to discover where the family money has been going. Hire a PI if necessary.

You need financial protection. And you need it starting yesterday.

I KNOW you are an emotional wreck - and it is hard to think clearly - but this must be done - so get some help.

Get the facts of your financial situation - and NOT by asking your WH for the facts - he is a highly skilled liar if he can look you in the eye and tell you he probably has cancer when he does not

Trust not the liar.

Get the facts before making any decisions about what to do next.
Get the facts without telling your WH you are making an investigation of your financial history.


Once you have the facts about the financial losses you've suffered because your husband has been lying and hiding things from you (probably for years) - you may want to hire an attorney to take precautionary steps to cover your backside from future losses.

You can still recover your marriage - but please do not be a fool - take precautions. It is especially important when there is an OC - the infidels tend to think that OC's financial rights supersedes everyone else's.

Not true.

WH holding your face and telling you he loves you is very nice - he probably has the ability to do this while slipping money out of your jacket pocket. OW has had her hand in your pocket as well.

Get the facts about your life. Investigate quietly.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Pep

That's a good idea about the money, however, my Husband ia on paid salary, and it's deposited in an account I have complete access to.

Would I miss 20 or 30 bucks? probably not I know what bills are coming through this house, and what has been paid

I will take your advice and start watching the money more closely/

He has put me in a horrible moral and ethical situation...........my children have a little sister now. Do I let thm go see her, do I forbid it? I have ALWATS been a "do the right thing" type of person. This is so huge, that I'm not sure what the right thing to do is. At leaset he knew enoughh to sleep on the cpuch last night!

Today I have not cried, It's hard to describe how I feel. Sad, numb, flatlined )anger under the surface) indifferent too.

Right now I really don't care, Is this normal to feel this way after just finding out a few days ago?I am so consused, I'm not sure what to do.

If contact with OC is likely to increase family stress and chaos as well as increase the chances of divorce --- then NO CONTACT (with court ordered financial support for OC) is morally a good choice, in my opinion.

Which brings me to this .... is there court ordered child support?
If not, why not?

If you decide on NO CONTACT to avoid all the ugliness (chaos/stress/divorce) there is NOTHING wrong with all the children choosing to meet each other when the OC is 18.

They can enjoy life-long sibling relationships once the OW is out of the picture and OC is free to visit alone (without mommie OW).

This too is morally correct.

There is no reason they must grow up together if growing up together puts YOUR MARRIAGE at risk.

Pep

Do this:

"Husband, this marriage will not continue without DNA proof this other child is biologically yours. You have 2 weeks to put the proof in my hands. Call an attorney to make the arrangements do NOT call OW or this marriage is
O V E R."

How's that for - something "to do" !


BIG ~~~>

Pep

Right now,it's what YOU want,not what this manipulative abuser wants. He put the OC on this earth,HE deals with her. Listen to Pepperband. I know how heartbroken you are. To make you think he has cancer is sick,sick,sick. Let his Mother take care of him. He needs a lot more help then you can give him,honey.
I'm concerned BECAUSE he is so manipulative. What lies will he tell you now to keep you in his life and the OW too. Let HER take care of his "goiter".

this man sounds like a mess and your best chance is to cut him out of your life. you are already going thru a lot now and it might be a good time to just suffer it thru once and for all instead of dragging the pain and waiting for his next nasty move!

Thank you all so much, You have giving me some very valuable advice. He has been home all day, I
am trying to ignore him for the most part.

I have to wait until I have enough money to do something legal,
(sep.Div.) I will write more tomorrow, Right now I am so emotionally drained, I can hardly keep my eyes open

Hello, I'm back with a good night's sleep and a clear head. My husband had an affair with a bi-sexual woman (could have been anyone) What her sexual preference is, is not my business.

I think she used my H and got pregnant on purpose. Not going to defend him, he was certainly a willing participant.

I have heard from several VERY reliable sources that she is back in a relationship with another woman.

So, My H had an affair, and now there's a baby.....can't go back and undo that. I think she may even have wanted to trap him, thinking he would leave me and be with her.

I have decided that I will NOT take this lying down. I will fight for my family.......whatever it takes.

H wants to see his daughter? Fine with me..........bring her to OUR house. THere's no need for him to spend 3 hours at the OW's house. I won't allow it. My kids can see their new sister in the comfort of their own home. I think that's important right now. not to confuse them too much. i am NOT letting H off the hook, this all depends on how the therapy goes. In the back of my mind I am already thinking about plan B.

get the visitation done legally through the courts or you will be the puppets and OW the puppet master.

once more ....

Which brings me to this .... is there court ordered child support?
If not, why not?


Have you seen DNA proof with your own eyes?

Pepp, No I have not seen any DNA results, The baby is 2 months old. I have seen pictures, and she looks a lot like my son.

As far as child support goes, Shae has not asked for any at this point. SHe has a huge disability pension, and will now receive an extra $1000.00 a month for the baby. She claims that she wants nothing from him. but we'll see down the road how far that will last!

The baby does NOT have his last name, I checked. That is about the only thing he's not lying about. When I asked why she didn't have our last name he said that "SHE" wanted it that way, because they are no longer a couple. Yeah, right, I believe that!

She probably wants the baby's last name to be her's so she won't have any trouble getting the benefits for the baby.

The "Benefits" that you and I pay for everyday, when we go to work so our taxes can pay her to sit around all day.

My goodness, this woman has no shame!

I've already told my H to be on alert for the other shoe to drop, when she takes him court for CS! I have already begun to look at some options, like finding an apartment for me and the kids. When I saw the Lawyer last year, I had to bring our taxes, she said he will have to pay me $675.00/week, but that she was going to push for $800.00 I'm just taking it one day at a time, that's all I can do............

Pep is right.

You're waiting for the other shoe?

Right now, OW is jettisoning it into space, so that when it finally hits your house, no one will survive the fallout.

Protect your family NOW.

Insist upon it. If your wh won't, YOU MUST.

Insist on what? A DNA test, a court ordered CS arrangement?

That is HIS problem to deal with, not mine!Is she wants to file for CS, she should go ahead and do it. My H makes a very good living, and I doubt I would even have to sacrifice anything, even with him paying her.

If he can't cut it with his salary, he'll have to take on a second job. I have no intention on altering my or my children's lifestyle in any way. I know some of you are probably thinking, I'm in some dream world, thinking it won't affect me. I am on disability myself, I was a pharmacist, and I fell, and now have terrible back and knee problems.

All that money I receive for both me and my kid's is in a separate account, that H does not have access to. So, If I leave him, I will be able to place us in a decent home, good schools etc.

I actually found A place last night online in my area. I have an appt. to go see the house.

You probably are thinking that he should move out, not me. You're right. But even being in this house that I have shared with him all these years is making me sick.

If we don't work this out, I want a fresh start. I think it's best for me and my kids. Thanks for listening, it does help.

I understand that feeling completely. Even sleeping in the same bed that you shared all those years only to find out he's had an affair. Yup. It's sickening.