This morning FWW informed me that a new member of staff would be joining her office this morning. She had mentioned before that she was interviewing people, but she didn’t tell me that they’d actually decided on someone. I'd actually been given the impression that most of the applications she'd seen had been unacceptable.

I had to question her this morning to find out that the person they chose to hire: (1) would be reporting directly to her, and (2) is a young man, and (3) she'd pushed for the decision with her boss (bear in mind that her A at her last office was with a younger man who she also hired and who reported directly to her).

I expressed my disappointment to her about this, to which she replied that she was sorry, that she forgot to mention it to me. I asked her a bit more about the hiring of the new person, only to find out that she’d actually made the decision to hire him about three weeks ago.

So, in three weeks, it never entered her mind to talk to me about the new employee, and only this morning she realized that she had not told me about it, and only after I started asking questions. I could tell from the brevity of her answers that she knew how uncomfortable I would be about the situation.

Thing is, part of the "comfort level" I got from her job situation was that there weren't any younger guys reporting to her. And now I'm finding out that she actually went out and hired one; even pushed for it.

I talked to her about it again, and she apologized for not discussing it with me beforehand, but unfortunately that's not helping very much. Part of me can't help but feel that she deliberately avoided discussing this with me, because she knew I wouldn't be happy about it.

I believe that I would have to stop by her office and introduce MYSELF to this young man, in addition to letting your FWW know that she is treading on VERY thin ice with her disresptful behavior towards you.

Along with what MyRev said IMO, you should be sure she is well aware of your very clear boundaries and STICK TO THEM! Spell it out for her so she can't say "she didn't know".

Do not give her any wiggle room.

LC

I plan on doing just that. Not that it may help much - the OM knew who I was too. Didn't stop him from coming into my home and scr*wing my FWW.

We'd talked about our boundaries before, but this latest incident suggests that we need to talk about them again. BTW, the usual explanation I receive when situations like this arise is not "I didn't know", but "I forgot".

MiM:

Reviewing in my mind your posts over the years, I remain convinced that your wife is an infatuation junkie. She is hooked on PEA feelings and confuses how she feels in that state with real love. She knows exactly what she is doing and why but doesn't want to tell you as she sees herself as a "Private Person."

Looks like she is trying to figure out how to get around the fence you have installed. In my humble opinion, her slipping and sliding around is going to eventually wear you down to the point where you give up. So far, you have done your best, all that could be asked of anyone. You have honored your marriage.

Take care and all the best.

Larry

MIM,

You have been giving some VERY good advice to NoName on his thread ... do you see the similarities (re: boundaries) to your own situation?

You posted to and helped me when I first came to MB and I hate to see you having to keep dealing with this "stuff".

It's obvious that you know what to do ... maybe its time to take back some measure of control over your own life.

How about saying to your WW:

"Given our history, I'm not comfortable with you hiring a young male subordinate. I will not accept that you "forgot" on something this important. I understand that this will effect another person given that you've already hired this man, but that would be your problem how you address it at this point.

However, I will no longer carry the burden of your "forgetfulness"."

You will have then hit the ball into her court, and she can decide how to deal with it, IF she wants to remain committed to your relationship.

That's almost exactly what I will be telling her tonight when we discuss this issue.

I doubt that she will let the guy go though - that will raise way too many questions about her at her office at this point. But she will know if she does not know already that I am not happy about the situation AT ALL.

I hope I'm not being disrespectful but how is it this guys fault that MIM's FWW had poor boundaries in the past?

Nobody is saying that it's his fault. It's FWW's fault for not thinking of MIM's boundaries.

GOOD FOR YOU!!!

This really isn't your problem to fix ... it's your WW's. I can't comment specifically without knowing a lot more her company and her role in it, but there has to be some way to have this person report to someone else, etc., IF your WW is serious about recommitment, even if it means some level of corporate embarrassment for her.

You see, FogFree is a supervisor in a Fortune 500 company that used to require a lot of travel. Immediately after D-Day we had a couple of long distance meltdowns over her travel, and she cut short a couple of meetings to come home to work on us. However, she left those meetings with her superiors having the understanding that it was some problem with ME.

That remained a sticking point for sometime, until she FINALLY "GOT IT" concerning my boundaries and her priorities. Afterwards, she went back to her two immediate supervisors and took ownership of HER sh1t regarding WHY she had left those meetings early, and WHY it was necessary for her to limit her travel going forward as much as possible.

We are now about 6 months past those episodes and her travel has been cut by at least half (even though she is away for 2 nights now at their annual national sales meeting) and I feel MUCH better about our long term future, BECAUSE she was willing to finally step up and own her sh1t, rather than allowing me to be thought to be the bad guy by her ommissions.

It's not this guys's fault. He's just another unfortunate victim of MIM's FWW's affair.

This new guy is likely innocent, but who really knows (read Dansky's new thread), but that is irrelevant to MIM and his M.

BTW, his WW doesn't have "poor boundaries in the past" ... with this hire, she has proven to have "poor boundaries NOW".

This will likely lead to some level of corporate embarrassment and maybe a confession for her, but its just more consequences of her actions.

Just so you know the translation of the above statements equate to, "It wasn't important enough TO ME to consider/remember."

MIM,

"So, in three weeks, it never entered her mind to talk to me about the new employee,"

IMHO, it entered her mind the minute he walked into the room for the first interview.

If it didn't, then there is something lacking in her genetic make-up.

During your discussion tonight, keep this in your quiver.

Good luck to you and stay strong.

kirk

I agree- she has poor boundaries in her decision to hire the guy and I'm not defending that. I just don't legally see how they can terminate someone because he's young and his boss had an affair in the past with a younger man.

Although they could make up another excuse- everyone can be fired for something in reality.

A new hire is easier to get terminate in many cases.

But should he lose his job??

Perhaps he can be transferred? Or she can?

Perhaps everyone should quit trying to accomdate HER and SHE wises up and learns better to protect her marriage.

Otherwise, it don't matter a hill of fart pills WHO she hires.

Dealan-de,

Hate to thread jack here, but where does one get those fart pills? :RollieEyes: